Blurty for When it comes to being lucky she's cursed.

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Thursday, September 16th, 2004

Subject:I know I don't know you
Time:9:32 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
Music:Maroon 5.
Blah I'm exhausted. 6ams are killer. If it wasn't for those damn classes the rest of the day it wouldn't be such an issue. I don't know where my time goes. There just isn't any. I'm always running all over but tomorrows Friday and its my easy day.

Morning practice also sucks because of the bug population. Its West Nile waiting to happen. I have over 20 mosquito bites right now that itch like crazy. And some of them are where the boot goes so I can't get to them without taking it off. Not like I don't mind losing it for awhile. Hopefully next week I lose it for good but I don't think that's gonna happen though. I did some PWB exercise in the pool yesterday and it hurt. So even if I lose it, I'm gonna be struggling trying to run on real ground. I'm tired of the pool though. But I've started working out with some of the guys from the basketball team so at least there's some variety and entertainment. And people to push me. I worked out with them for like 30 minutes with them yesterday and I'm hurtin so I'd like to keep that up no matter what happens.

I found out the T is apparently going to graduate one day. Somehow he'll finish with me which makes me wonder how I can't get out of here early. I think I'm done considering pursuing anything there. We have nothing in common outside of being in the same department here. I ran into him at a distributor last weekend and kinda had alot of shit confirmed by that so I think he's a bad idea. Jenna's got a new boy and I'm sure he has friends...

I'm off to finish a recruiting project and then its time to relax. 5:30 comes along way too quickly....
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Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

Subject:Another year over
Time:12:38 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Wow have these 2 years flown by or what?
I've got time to kill so lets break out the new years survey to sum up another school year gone by.... )

So that's it. That's my year. Another one in the books. Another year closer to being grown up. Scary shit. Time to relax and revel in the nothingness of the rest of the week....
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Saturday, April 3rd, 2004

Subject:Give me one good reason
Time:11:50 pm.
Mood: lazy.
Music:Michelle Branch.
What a crazy night I had last night. It was exactly what I needed. I made some new friends. Namely one who I used to hate. I figured we'd go right back to hating each other sober but she just called me to see if I wanted to go out with her and some of her girls so maybe we're actually going to be friends now. I haven't really decided if I actually trust her though.

Michael wasn't around again but I talked to one of his friends. Early enough in the night not to say anything. I think he was on phone with him shortly after we were talking so its even better that I didn't run my mouth. I'm pretty sure now that it was a stage he went through. But its okay. I still think he has a split personality and it wouldn't surprise me at all to see him revert to this next season. Its a long season and I don't need the aggravation. I wish he woulda shown up though. I was thinking about T most of the night and figured if Michael was around I could get some info out of him. Cruel, maybe but who cares. He owes me.

Comment of the day......I was feeling super lazy today which means I made no attempts at controlling my hair. So I come downstairs and one of my roomies looks at my hair and asks how did you get it to look like that? I just looked at her and she tells me she's never seen it curly before. How long have we been roommates let alone known each other. My hair is quite wavy. Granted whenever I don't straighten it, its usually up, but shouldn't the mere prescence of the straightner out all the time tell you my hair isn't naturally straight? This confirms the girl lives in her own little world. But that's why you just have to love her.

Seeing as though we lose an hour of sleep, I think I may just call it a night.....
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Friday, April 2nd, 2004

Subject:Why do good girls like bad guys?
Time:6:51 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
Music:old school know where its at.
Good song. Even better question.

Its been a long week. There's really nothing else to say. Just alot of waiting and uncertainty ahead. What else is new right?

I had a good heart to heart with Jenna today so I feel alot better after that. Kovs helped too. I love them and I can never thank them enough for getting me through the week.

Our game tomorrow is cancelled which sucks but its just as well. Physically, I'm pretty close to being able to go without a problem. Little rusty but I have doubt I can do it. The day after, well that's another story. But mentally, I'm nowhere near ready to be on the field. I can't get past the fear of getting hurt. I've been playing on this so long, I never had to worry about getting hurt. I wasn't going to blow out my knee so what could I possibly do to make it worse? I can blow it out now. Not that I was invincible but in my mind, nothing that bad could happen. So I've got a few more weeks to get it together.

We had a really good debate in one of my classes today. I didn't even care about the topic but I was getting heated. I miss debating stuff. I'm kinda looking forward to my next debate for another class now even though I have to defend something I'm against. It'll be a learning experience anyway.

I need to come up with some plans for my night. I've got all weekend off and I plan on taking full advantage of that...
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Sunday, March 28th, 2004

Time:6:40 pm.
Today has been absolutely awful. I can't do this. I'm not ready for it. And the worst is yet to come. The whole waiting part. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep saying good-bye.

The only good that has come out of today is that I saw that I really do have the best friends ever. I can never thank them enough for all they've done for me.

I have so much work to do but I think I'm just gonna sleep. That's all I want to do because I don't have to think when I'm sleeping.
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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004

Subject:Please allow me to complain for a moment
Time:11:21 pm.
My head hurts, my knee hurts, my lungs hurt, and my abs hurt. Sleep would take care of all that assuming I stop coughing long enough to sleep. But I have 354454.5 things to learn about the knee. I'd be in real bad shape without my 2232 crash courses in specific injuries. Damn school. Can I drop out yet?
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Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

Subject:"I don't know if you can ever stop loving someone once you start, even if you end up hating them."
Time:11:26 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
Story of my life.

I hate tennis. Its so fucking boring to sit there for hours and watch them lose. Which I suppose isn't any different from any other sport but I've grown to hate tennis. At one point I apparently really liked tennis players though. But in the end, tennis meant too much and it led to the one relationship in my life that meant anything falling apart. Obviously there were many problems but one of the 2 fights I distinctly remember was a result of tennis. And yet today still broke my heart for him. Why do I care if he's happy? And if I'm the one who said it wasn't everything, why doesn't it occur to me there's plenty of other things to make him happy?

This is why I'm so glad the newest prospective in my life is a retired athlete. No more of the fucking moodiness that inevitably arises following every game. I know, I know, I'm one to talk. Hell, I'm moody now when it comes to any discussion of hockey and I'm out of season. And I was hysterical some nights after games. But at least I didn't take it out on the world. I don't think I did anyway. Hmm I don't think I've ever dated a non-athlete so maybe that theory is wrong.

I wonder if my cold is actually bronchitis. Whatever I've got is providing a nice ab workout so I'm off to bed.....
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Sunday, March 21st, 2004

Time:10:18 am.
Mood: sore.
Eat and greet with the recruits went pretty well yesterday. I was the official meet'n'greeter. We needed to find our girls so the route we went with was to go table to table and ask who the kids were there to see and then pointed them in the right direction or the coach in the right direction. We did find a few of ours. A whopping 3, one of which I did not like. I talked to one who wasn't there last night and its looks like she's going to commit to us soon. Yay for having a team!

I went in for treatment for my knee after brunch and they suggested taking it easy for a few days and no running. Hadn't really planned on running anyway because of this cold that I'm not convinced isn't bronchitis or something like that. Took a nap, watched the games, hung out with Chris for a bit. Pretty good day. And then the roommie came back and wanted to go ice skating. So sprained knee, sick, and all, off I went. I must be the dumbest person ever. Needless to say, I came back and crashed by 11:30 last night. And woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus.

So what's on the agenda today? Iy was supposed to be doing some work and getting lots of rest. But then Meggers twisted my arm and convinced me I really do want to go shoe shopping this afternoon which means I need to tackle that paper now.....
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Saturday, March 20th, 2004

Time:12:37 am.
Mood: exhausted.
When did I become such a lightweight?

And why am I thinking about Ant so much? And why the fuck did I have a dream about him? When do I get to see this boy again?

My former roomie hates me. That's cool. Supposedly I hate her too. According to my recruit who heard it from her prospective. Nice huh? Who even gives a fuck?

Wasn't too fond of my recruit though. Might be able to replace LL though. Every team's gotta have one.

Speaking of recruits, who doesn't love having a roommate who works in athletics with the assistant AD and gets you dragged into recruiting fairs so early in the morning. Wasn't thrilled but then I remembered I just submitted my app for athletic rep to Student Government so I better get used to it. And then I saw one of those NCAA Student-Athlete commercials about how there are 360,000 of us. Not alot when you think about it. Its really kinda cool and I love hearing those commercials. Makes me feel special. So this is the least I can do right? If its something I love, I should pass that on. Especially with only a year left. I can't redshirt this season even if we don't know what's going to happen to us. I can't give this up.

I also need my voice especially with this thing tomorrow so I should call it a night before its gone for good.....

Oh one more thing. Can I tell you what makes me most nervous about tomorrow? I have to dress nice so I was thinking of wearing a skirt because I like to make it a point that female athletes can be feminine. Or at least that I can clean up well. But that makes me nervous because of my knee. Haven't worn a skirt yet. The only time I even have had shorts on is to go to the gym where noone cares. I know its not a big deal but it kinda is. Especially with the latest setback which has it swollen. But I know I should just suck it up and be proud of the battle scars noone's even gonna notice.
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Sunday, March 14th, 2004

Subject:I feel so alive
Time:3:46 pm.
Mood: happy.
There's NOTHING like parade day in Scranton, particularly parade day, aparment 12 style. I had more fun yesterday than I've had in a real long time and I loved every minute of it. Its such a let down to know its a whole year away now.

I was even happier that in my drunken stupor(s) I wasn't looking for either of the boys. I went out for a bit Friday and saw some of Michael's "friends" but he wasn't there. I didn't want to see him anyway but I had been fully prepared for it. I kinda wish he had been there though. More so I won't end up second guessing myself. As long as he's around them, I know its better this way. But when he's not out with them, I feel like being one of those guys was just some phase he went through. Matt confirmed for me that he wasn't like that until the last few months. Never even smoked.

I should just take that for what its worth though: that my I didn't grossly misjudge him or fall for some act he put on for his first few months here. In my heart, I still feel that there was something there and I want to blame them for putting us in the spot for all that has happened to happen. Really I suppose is what it comes down to is the fact that whatever I felt was there really wasn't because if it was, I should have been enough to keep him away from that. The fact that my feelings on the situation and subject is enough to say that I read too much into something. And in the end, it was his choice to do all that and my choice to walk away. And deep down, I know I had to. Getting out then kept me from getting hurt. Not that watching this all happen was easy but it came before I got attached.

I guess the challenge now is to keep all of that in mind. I saw the rest of the boys again which is when I began to wonder if that friendship really is over and it was a stage. But I was thinking of another boy during the drunken stage of my day so thats a good sign. I just need to stay strong.

I also need to get my act together with school. I was too sick last week to care. I'm feeling really good today so hopefully I'm getting better. Didn't wake up naseuous. Ate something and still felt good. Makes me happy. But as a result of doing nothing yesterday, I have a pile of work to do now. So off I go.
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Sunday, March 7th, 2004

Time:11:00 pm.
Mood: sick.
Back again. Didn't mean to disappear for months but break was crazy, school was crazy, and the computer was in the shop for over a month of that. Yeah gotta love technology, ehh?

So let's play the catch up game. In 100 words or less. Not that I'll actually be counting. Let's see what's happened since December. Well, Michael is officially in my past. . But I've learned to let go. I think. It's been easier since the season ended and I don't see him much. Granted we still have class together but its easier. The other one has managed to stay in my past for 9 months now which is probably my biggest accomplishment. So its the single life for me which is probably what I need. I should be finishing up PT this week. We have no coaching staff right now but I'll be fully cleared to begin playing catchup there too. 8 weeks of strength and conditioning to make up. I'm feeling good though. Better than I have in about 4 years. I might be changing my major. Well, adding one. Suddenly I think Education would be a good thing to add. I've got 800 meetings this week and I'll make a decision after all that.

I've learned to stop asking what next? In the past 3 months, I've had 4 people close to me diagnosed with serious illnesses all with more questions than answers. I've had surgery. 3 other friends have also had surgery. I'm 19 years old. My apartment should not in any way shape or form resemble an infirmary but of the 8 people I just mentioned, 3 of us live here. I hate to complain like this. My apologies. It was a weekend full of bad news and its beginning to take its toll on me. Particularly because I went back to school and will be dealing with most of it on my own.

Where is this snow of which they promised? Granted I loved the spring weather but I'm exhausted and its occurred to me I have quiz tomorrow I need to read for as well as reading for all my other classes and I have no energy. To top it off, I've picked up some germ. Basically, I have no appettitte half the time and then when I do, I feel sick after eating anyway. I ate about an hour ago and I'm ready to die now.

So there's my update. Now that you're all hoping I disappear for another 3 months, I'll be going to finish unpacking now. Much more interesting less dramatic weeks ahead. I promise.
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Thursday, December 11th, 2003

Time:3:32 pm.
My entire day thus far has been consumed with math and kines. Shoot me now. I still know nothing.

And I really don't care. Yes it would suck to fail them both and end up with C's when I was carrying an A all along but a C will work for me. Fills all the prereqs I'll need. So who really cares?

I'm very confused about lots of things right now. I just don't know anymore.

Can Plan Be a Bitch next semester start now? Can I just do an about face and go for the friend? I know that's a real bad idea and not really fair to the friend there but they made me crazy the first few weeks so can't we all just be made crazy now? If dating a teammate would have been good closure, wouldn't dating his best friend do the same thing? Ignoring the fact I directly set myself up to get hurt, it works.

Since I tend to put myself in those spots all the time, its not a huge issue. I'm not those girls from the other night. If that's who he's looking for, I don't get any further from it so its time to move on. The last few months were a complete waste. Again. I never learn.

Just like I'll never learn math but sitting here.....
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Wednesday, December 10th, 2003

Subject:1 down, 2 to go
Time:8:56 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Music:Stacie Orrico.
To remove or repair that is the question? I'd prefer repair but if it failed, I wouldn't want all of that to have been for nothing. That's alot of time and effort to be told sorry, we're removing it now. Enjoy your second surgery and billionth round of pt. With my luck, it won't even be an option. It'll be more down the lines of what the fuck did you do? We reconstructed the whole thing while we were at it.

Anyway I have no exams tomorrow but I'm burnt out from trying to get a jump start on all the shit I need to know for Friday. Shoulda just gone to the bar instead.

Its 9 pm and I'm saying shoulda gone. Should go is more like it. But it feels like its later so I will be good and stay in and learn things. Or get good sleep since tomorrow's gonna be a looooooong day of studying.

I found out I have to go off the painkillers 2 weeks before surgery. Time to start learning to live without them now before I get home and go to work. No alcohol either. The entire Christmas-New Year's holiday falls into this period. No drinking, no pills, long hours at work, insanity in general at home. Good tiiiiimes. Anyone need a DD?

Things to do, confirm dr appt, study, study, study, laundry, study, study, and study. Good.

Why is it when I want pants to shrink they get shorter everytime but the waist/ass won't change? Odd request I know but I love my sweatpants collection and have neither the desire nor funds to replace them but I can't roll them to fix the sizing on top when the length is getting shorter. I'm not that short....I should do nothing since I'm sure I'm gaining the weight back. Or will over break anyway......
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Tuesday, December 9th, 2003

Time:2:42 pm.
Denied. All 3 of you at once. I won that one. Outnumbered all around. Why that brings me any joy at all, I really don't know. Why I would say that in front of one of them in particular, I'm not really sure. Ulterior motives I suppose.

He knows though. He has to know.Very awkward situation. Which I really should be trying to see the asshole in him for.

It has occurred to me that most of the problems I fixate on can be directly linked to alcohol. Yet I continue to drink. They all drive me to drink and then I drive them away as a result. There's a definite pattern. Vicious cycle I tell you. I need to break it.

I also need to study since finals are this week........
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Monday, December 8th, 2003

Subject:As the light declines
Time:4:00 pm.
Things I need to remember:
~Don't talk about people who are anywhere in the same building as you. Maybe even the same campus is a safer way to go.
~People who are sick should be sleeping, not going out in the snow at 1 am.
~When you don't drink for a few weeks, your tolerance drops.
~When you lose 10 pounds in a month, you probably can't handle as much liquor.
~When the last 2 occur at the same time, you really should count on not handling as much alcohol and not attempt to drink as much as you did the semester you were going out every night of every weekend. Although, this won't be applicable anymore given the amount of food and alcohol I injested this weekend. I probably gained back the 10 pounds.
~Before getting excited about the fact there's a trail of footprints to step in instead of having to make your own path through the snow, realize that people who's feet are twice as big as yours probably also have a much longer stride length.

All in all, a good weekend. And there's still another day left in it. Thank god for catholic schools.
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Sunday, December 7th, 2003

Subject:I have hit the wall.
Time:12:22 am.
Mood: contemplative.
Music:Bring me to life.
I look and feel like I haven't slept in days. Which is pretty close to accurate. And I'm gonna start paying for that. I think too much and I don't think straight. Bad combination.

I never fucking learn. Passed on a golden opportunity last night. And I know its for the better. But I hate knowing I missed it. And that it isn't a bad thing to have missed it. I don't know. I don't know what I want anymore. More than that, I think I'm scared. Of what, I don't know.

Blah. I don't feel that great so I think its just time for bed. Lots of shitty decisions in the past 24 hours. Lots of things to consider. Grrr. I hate that I think so much.

But it has been a fun 24 hours. Been a real good time...........I needed every last minute of it.

Everyone wants to go skiing this weekend. I want to go learn but I can't. So if they go tomorrow, it will be a lazy day of me lying around doing nothing. Again. Its going to be a long weekend at this rate. I almost fell on the ice today. Fell last night. Its not like I can make it worse now. Its after they fix it i have to be careful. Maybe I'll just lock myself in the apartment and hibernate all winter......
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Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Subject:Turn around....
Time:1:17 am.
So I think hell week is coming to a close. One test left. One road game left. Paper, journal, and finals next week. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Semester really flew by. Scary stuff.

I've become nocturnal. Although I don't sleep during the day either. I'm kinda afraid to attempt to start catching up on sleep because that's when it will hit me that I'm beyond exhausted. I will sleep for days if I start trying.

Quick updates.....2 days of class, 6 classes, 3 finals til break. No idea how many hours at work since I think I'm taking on a few extra days just to get the total up.....I know the decision I want to make on mystery boy but I haven't acted on it. Maybe because I think that decision I should make is the other. But follow your heart right?

I think I need to try and get some sleep. Another long day tomorrow with the away game but at least I can sleep on the bus. That team makes me crazy half the time though so I'll need some extra patience. Of which I have none to begin with when I'm tired so good night all.....
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Monday, December 1st, 2003

Subject:Give me back my fantasies
Time:6:12 pm.
Mood: sick.
Music:Swing Swing.
Words don't even begin to express how much I don't want to work the TR tonight. Even though it means seeing my favorite eye candy. Bright lights make my head hurt worse. The gym has bright lights. The office has bright lights. I will be sitting in the damn hallway. But I've got papers to type so I need to be in the office staring at the bright screen. I've dimmed mine and shut off some lights here.

Its a good thing I can tape ankles in my sleep because that's pretty much what I'll be doing. I'm just so out of it. And this is purely a head thing. I sound alright although I think I'm not hearing well so I'm probably screaming. And physically I'm alright. My head just weighs 12 extra pounds although I have no appettite and little stomach for what I do eat. But if anyone comes in with some damn injury to be fixed, I'll scream.

I need to finish my movement analysis. This sucks. I hate school.

16 more classes. Plus 3 finals. 11 days. Not that I particularly want to go home. I just don't want to deal with school. I could sit around my apartment all day and be perfectly content in doing so.

Time to get some shit together and head over to work. I think the tea and cold meds might be kicking in. The pressure is decreasing a little.

Oh....Brilliant move of the day: Decided at work this afternoon tea would make me feel better so I make the tea and as I go to put it on my desk, I don't know what happens but basically I misjudge the height of the desk and let go of the cup too soon and its spills all over. Luckily, it didn't ruin anything but the office smelled like lemon tea for 2 hours.......And I had no tea since I didn't trust myself to make more...
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Sunday, November 30th, 2003

Subject:Back from the Burg
Time:4:32 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music:Christmas music.
And to be quite honest, I feel like I never left here. I'm still exhausted and I still have a shitload of work to do. But other than that, break was nice. I did get to see the family and the girls so all is not lost. Time with the family was very nostalgic which was kinda nice. It's a rough time of year and I think we've come along way to get the point where we share memories rather than sit and hold them in silence. And yet I still do. I don't know why. I think because to be very frank, I don't have the memories. They're lost somewhere. And I'm stopping because I don't need to fall apart right now. I don't know why that just hit me like that right now.

Anyway, I did some thinking. Like always. But as I was filling the girls in on the latest production stage of my life, I finally realized how ridiculous it sounds. So the way I see it, I have 2 choices and I need to make the decision and accept the consquences. One, I can go after this kid no matter what. Girlfriend or no girlfriend. The consequence: I'm setting myself up to get hurt. If he really is the guy every keeps saying he is, he's not gonna just leave her whoever she may be which means I'm putting myself into a spot where nothing good can come my way. Two, I let go and move on with my life. Consequence: If there is a chance, I miss it. Really, I think I missed my chance 3 months ago as it is so I really should just learn my lesson and move on.

My head hurts. My mother stressed me out. Its not my fault there's an insane amount of traffic around shopping areas the first weekend of the shopping season. Or that restaurants in their vicinity are crowded. Or that there's no parking near this building since there's 200+ people trying to move back in. We're spoiled at the beginning of the year since athletes move in early and each team reports at a different time so there's always parking and I think she forgets that we all are coming back at once now.

Anyway, time to either do work, unpack, or find my crew and see how their breaks went. I think choice #3 sounds the best to me...
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Monday, November 24th, 2003

Subject:I'm only pretty sure that I can't take any more
Time:5:48 pm.
Mood: listless.
Music:The Way You Move.
Good song.

Anyway, I went to the gym for a change. Hadn't been there since Wednesday although I was in the pool for an hour Thursday. But I really wasn't looking foward to hopping on the scale given my eating habits over the past week or so. Figured I'd gained back everything I'd lost. Surprise....I lost another 2.5 pounds. I am perplexed by this. I'm doing nothing so how can I keep dropping? I've lost 10 pounds in a month since the season ended. Initially it had to be muscle. But I've gotten stronger so I'm building that back up so I don't understand this. The only thing I can think of is I haven't been drinking. Was at the bar almost 3 weeks ago but didn't have much to drink. But I wasn't really drinking in season either. If I was, it was once a week and I usually had practice the next day anyway. So I don't get it. I've been eating enough though so its not like its the beer munchies making the difference.

Whatever. That's all that's new in my life. I would love to take a nap or go to bed but I've got another 5 hours mininum left in my day. Hopefully practice lets out early and I get an early night. But not too early that I don't do any homework. Nobody better get hurt this time. Lets ammend my I want to be around for injuries statement. I want to be around if there's an ATC there to handle things and teach me all about it. Not me have to make all these calls.

And I still need to pack to go home tomorrow! :) I can't wait to see my girls. I miss everyone SO much.

We had a team meeting. I'm going to be behind when I get back. Spring season starts the beginng of February. I'm anticipating being out through spring break which starts me a month late. Even if I could start earlier, my conditioning is going to be behind. Doesn't make me very happy at all.

Anyway, I will be home this time tomorrow and this does make me happy. Time to pack some stuff, get over to work and do some work...
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Blurty for When it comes to being lucky she's cursed.

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