Jon's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2005-11-04 11:36

I'm am soooo tired. I think my body's supply of vitamin b has been totally depleted. i'm am so tired. so tired. i'm ready to sleep.

btw, the charge was dismissed, and i applied for the expungement papers. all for not paying my tickets. crazy.

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Date:2005-10-12 02:07

here i am, sitting. my mac econ notes are due tomorrow. I have slept 6 hours last night. i will sleep less tonight. i am tired. yet i am awake. this is madness.

college brings madness. i am tired. wired. and in need of more intellect. i'm having trouble focusing. crap.

cell phone bill is enormous.

too much. and laptop was baptized, but thank God it's okay.

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Date:2005-09-22 00:37
Subject:anger management
Mood: discontent
Music:video games

i don't want this anymore
i am disgusted at myself
my mental frame is shot
and why? because i feel out of place?
because i hate being angry?
because i feel angry and i don't know why?
because i'm being insecure?

that's it. i'm being insecure.

somewhere in this part of my soul
i will the sadness away
all the pain they caused
all those words that hurt
all that self-crushing pain
i release you
you're free to leave

so tell me Jon, why do you feel sad?
~because i feel no one cares.
~yes - i wanted help, i wanted someone to understand
but you didn't ask for help
~they were supposed to give it to me
that's irrational - how would they know?
~they're supposed to know...
stop it. you don't need to care about them.
~but i'm sad.
why are you sad?
~i feel hopeless.
~i don't know - i feel useless
~i want attention. i want someone to pay attention to me.
what happens when you don't get it?
~i feel neglected. unimportant. i need their validation.
you depend on them to feel happy? doesn't sound like much fun.
~unless i fill my life with happy people.
even if you do, there will be times when you're alone. can you be happy alone?
~yes...but when i'm around people, i want their friendship/attention.
what do you feel if you don't get it?
~sad. worthless maybe. maybe that's just what i feel now.
and if you wake up tomorrow it'll be gone?
~no...maybe it's under the surface...
so maybe it's true. you want power, because you feel like you don't have any.
~ya. even more so coming back. it's been a struggle. i'm a nobody again.
so make yourself somebody. you can claim the power that's yours for the taking
~yes but i feel so down. i want to be powerful all the time.
you talk so much like a child. will you ever grow up?
~soon enough, jon. c'mon.
okay. lets' work out what just happened there. you went out. did you feel okay as you left?
okay. when did you start to feel bad?
~i think when I say adrianne.
why? what about adrianne that make us mad?
~when i see her, i want her to like me. i waht her to love me.
they why don't you?
~cause she's not interested in me.
dude - why are you hung up on her? what's so great about her that you can't find some one else. YOU HAVE ONE-ITIS!
~okay okay okay. I do. omg. she's like the fish that got away.
~cause she's got attitude. she's a near-impossibility.
dude - you're sabotaging your own game. out of all the girls can't pick up one somewhere else??? go get 10 others, and see if this flower is so special.
~i know. when i'm not around her, or when she's not ignoring me, i'm cool. but she just ignores me.
okay, enough about that. clearly, she's a thorn in your side. know what? you need to forget she even exists. get anyone else. get someone this week, for pete's sake! let's move on. this sadness/despair/anger/frustration.
it's stupid to carry around.
~i know.
so why not forget about it and be happy?
~i want to. i want to use the anger that i feel, and infuse that into other things.
why not give it up, and pursue goals happily?
~cause i'm afraid. i'm scared. of what, i don't know.
so you think people are going to hurt you again?
~yes. i know they will.
that's an assumption that is only partly true. you're holding it true for yourself, and you know it.
~okay, maybe i am. but it feel right.
so feeling sad is right? that's irrational also. why not feel happy and right? isn't that better?
~because it kinda give me purpose-
oh shut up. this is stupid, irrational, and totally irrelevant to the conversation. forgive them, and be done with it.
~you think happiness comes without a price?
well, it's certainly better than what you're doing to yourself. you're all mental - you have the cure. you know it.
~i know.
so why don't you sit down and nlp your way out of it? focus on forgiveness as your trait.
~okay, i will.
you need to cry it out. you're holding it all in...never letting it out.
~okay fine, fine.
see you believed that no one cared. how do you know it was true?
~they never called, wrote or anything.
they did. let's see you remember someone overseas. everyone gets wrapped up in their own world. you shouldn't ignore them just cause. you are responsible for your future. your friends are your choice to make. why not create your own circle of friends? spend time with them, hang out, it'll be okay. you are a happy person by genes. "they" have as much power over you as you let them . you power, for you. is being angry keeping your power?
~no, it's letting them anger me. they have the power.
so, next time you have a social situation that is disempowering, TAKE CHARGE. YOU ARE THE ALPHA MALE. ACT LIKE IT. enough of this wussy crap. get your game down. know your lines. learn c and f. work your ass. study hard. show yourself worthy of power, and it will be granted you. james bond handles his power well - trauma? no sweat. he causes chaos, and mayhem, yet is unaffected by it all. he is immune. his is a god, nothing fazes him: chaos is the absence of leadership. you be the leader. work the room. and sleep more. you're not sleeping enough.
~okay. thanks.
you know we're together on this.
~don't joke.

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Date:2005-09-13 23:20
Mood: cynical
Music:george FM

I'm close to giving up. What is the point of following a religion one so dianetically disagrees with? It's not about believing or not believing.

I just don't see the point in an Adventist way of life. People are not happier, life isn't better, or necessarily any more full than others.

Are we just a few beliefs? Are we just cells of a particular body?

I'm much happier to find out what I want to believe. Why should a person's religion be confined to what is dictated by others?

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Date:2005-09-09 00:45
Subject:Sick to my stomach

Sometimes I find myself
In the worst of moods
Wanting to never be around
Those that care about me
Not that I care
I'd rather run away from my problems
Life's too complicated
Easier to end it
Yet it goes on
What's the point
Of living
Lives of quite desperation
Somewhere inside lies
Drives to power
I want to grasp the thoughts of others
And I'm ready to anything for it
It that too much to ask
Or do you give a care?

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Date:2005-07-23 22:14

ya, so this weekend already feels like it's over. and it's not even 10:30 PM, sat. night. Don't know why. Guess I haven't done too much. You know the feeling of having nothing to do, cause you already did everything you wanted to that day?

Stepping into my flat, I notice how lonely it is. Waving goodbye to my friend, as my car is in the shop at the moment, I am again reminded of just how alone I am at the moment. Why do I long for someone to come home to/with? What is is about my soul that longs for friends, for freedom? I fry up some fish to eat, cause there's nothing else, and with no car, I dont' really feel like walking to the market at 10PM. Not that it's open anyway. Munching on the leftover rice and fried fish, I feel sick. Fish isnt' cooked properly - you know the crust? It's burned black, but the fish is still cold. Ugh. Fried it again. Ate partly, threw the rest away. Sick stuff. I just want someone to talk to, to laugh with. ANYONE.

Why does it have to feel like I'm powerless? No money - won't get paid until Friday. No car till monday- so i'm stuck bumming rides off of friends. And it's not even sunday yet. Guess this is what poverty feels like. I have nothing to eat that won't take 1-2 hours to cook. No vegetables, unless you count a rotten tomato and shriveled, cool bell pepper that's wearing its age well. Threw them away.

It just feels empty. Empty cause I know it's almost time for me to leave. But i'm alone. I don't want to be alone when I leave. I guess it sucks cause it feels like there's no one to say goodbye to. At least at the moment. Maybe I'm tired. Ya. Chronic peoblem. Must get more sleep.

Man snowboarding was a blast - 4-5 hours a day does wonders for your physique. That's why I feel so bad about eating the fried fish. Here I am, nearly as "toned" as want to close. And nothign else to eat but fried fish. UGH.

So my friends, my anonymous, invisible friends whom I hope are reading sometime in the not-too-distant future...being a youth worker is hard. TOo many ups and downs. Good Lord, I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to end this.

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Date:2005-07-17 07:10

The morning sun had been weakly shining through the room curtains. Heh. Strange how you can forget where you are - i woke up thinking i was sleeping at home. (shaun's). But no - this is the last week of holiday for me - the best hopefully. 4 days of snowboarding at mt. ruapehu. Snow's been wet and slushy though, nothing too good for the butt. But today's clear hopefully, and they'll open the rest of the upper mountain. Ruapehu's mainly lava rocks, since the last eruption was in 1995 - ash and steam mainly. Part of the rocks are always exposed, no al-white look like ashland back home. at least, we're not like, 3 hours away. Heh.

So with a borrowed board (with crap edges), borrowed boots, newly bought boarding pants, gloves and goggles (all from outlet stores) we're headed up again.

Ever had chicken broth in the morning? Throw in a little fresh pepper, and chilli garlic sauce...very good...

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Date:2005-06-03 14:45

my fingers keep touching you, yet somehow
we never touch. you're too
ethereal, like most others
here. not that you're real - that's your beauty.
like the gentle slant of your eyes
healing me by single looks
your hands sinously waving
healing hands they are
just you and me, nothing between
we're between nothing
and as i touch you, you move
with every move of your legs
that barbie doll perfection plasters shards of yourself
deep inside the mind we share.
the way your hair blows in the wind
and yet somehow is perfect everytime
it stay with me
and i think of you
far too much for our own good.
i load you up
my avatar, icon, persona, shadow
we're one, and yet you're just bytes.

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Date:2005-05-29 12:58
Mood: discontent

Last night, amongst the lies that are
my dreams kept my tears back

So many times

I've wanted to go home, because
People are cruel, because
I've been hurt, because
This time, it's different

I just want to leave this world of suffering,
This world, dominated by the stench of mufflers
That pumps young, virile 4-cylinder egos
Enthroned with the beats of half-baked hiphop
Leaving the salty tease of lust on the back of your throat
This world, that promises everything to those that
Try to make a difference

and reneges on it's promise

These are my dreams
These shudderings of heart that haunt the light
Hours of my mind
Creating shadows in my night

And as I drive this morning
I wonder how much really
My church would get from this
My little steel and rubber coffin
Cause that guardrail is quite thin
I know it'd be easy
They don't make them like they used to

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Date:2005-04-19 14:21
Mood: uncomfortable
Music:Cherry Poppin' Daddies

okay, so this week is judgement week. this is it folks: my fate will be decided soon. very soon. part of me wants to keep working here, and part of me wants to just throw this church down the drain it's already headed. why does a church want to head down a drain that never ends? lol.

ahh, fall. yes, fall. it's getting colder here. yesterday the sun came up crystal clear into my room; the air just cold enough to never let you sleep properly. my friends here invited me to go snowboarding in june/july for a WEEK. YA BABY! Mt. Ruapehu. No trees there, just lava rocks. Ya. Ouch.

The pathfinder camp went fine - most of the kids if not all, really liked it think. And now my next week will be full on getting ready for the upcoming camp in two weeks! We're trying to squeeze in a year's programming in 6 months - and it's been like running on extra caffeine.

So between dealing with the church, rumors, work, play, and attempting to date, i'm just doing my thing...just doing my thing. And i can't wait to go home. a new set of problems. lol.

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Date:2005-04-08 14:10

My week’s almost over, and yet not begun…too much happens to accurately record all the time.

Post-move, I’m adjusting. I’m telling myself to clean/finish unpacking my room on Sunday *laugh* but I doubt it’s gonna happen, because I’m not only rock climbing with a certain someone, but also working on playing for TWO weddings. *sigh* Brian McKnight is not foreign to me, but its as if I can just pull them out of the air. Well, we’ll see. Hopefully he’s not to hard to play. Violin, thank God is just Canon in D and several hymns. Between that, rock climbing, and cleaning my room, I doubt I’d have time to secretly go to Sunday church. lol.

This week has been a major shift in my personal habits. I’m actually sleeping early for once. Yes. Usually in bed by 11 PM, which is shocking for those who know me. Strange, I know. Never before in the past two years has this phenomenon happened. It’s compensated with the fact that I have no access to the computer after 10, which is the time I come home most nights. Shaun is already sleeping. The only reason I’m on tonight is because of the youth roadtrip, which I’d be on, but can’t be on, since I’m on for Sabbath School. Can’t have the pie and eat it too.

Speaking of those who know me, I just want to shout out to all of you who are reading, or thinking, or remember me. At home, at southern, cali, anywhere you are. I love ya’ll and you should really come down and visit me. Seriously, the past week I’ve been dreaming of nothing but home. But strange enough, going back in the dreams is really weird. Everything happens wrong. *laugh* Guess this year out is really twisting me.

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Date:2005-03-24 00:26
Subject:easter camp
Mood: content
Music:nothing. blissful nothing.

my sun's long gone, but the day still shines on me. of course, thanks to e2, the best tasting red bull of NZ. you know, there's nothing like a poor, crap movie to calm you down. that plus some ma po tofu. hehe.

work is shaping up well. cell group ended today with a lot of sweat, and tired muscles. guess that's what happens when you go rock climbing. hehe. strange that a rock-climbing spot would be an underground christian witness. they are done by primal, a CCC group that's soon spreading internationally. gonna go check them out next thursday night. it's a youth church, completely run by youth. very fascinating.

the day's been a rush of preparations. you know, like the tension that happens before any event? ya. that's it. getting up in 7-8 hours, furiously packing for 5 days at Tui Ridge, and shopping, and racing the 4 hours down there - all in the name of youth min. and strange thing is - it's been exciting.


perhaps the work is growing on me. perhaps it just cause it doesn't seem like work too much anymore. it's life. which, of course, could be looked at as sad, and encouraging at the same time.

did you know, that Caesar Augustus was the first one to declare the first 12 days of Advent? Course, it wasn't Christ's advent. Prophecies about Caesar were fulfilled, and in recognition, he declared himself the "saviour of the world" and the Advent season. intersting isn't it?

btw, if you want a great topic to discuss check up a ministry for porn addictions. nice stuff. it's been getting a lot of respect from Mars Hill Bible Church and adult entertainment companies alike. They handed out over a 1000 Bibles at the AEE in Los Angeles ( or was it Vegas? not sure)

is this a new facet of ministry? "jesus loves porn stars." instead of picketing and shouting condemnation outside of the convention, this is subversive ministry. getting inside the house. talking to the "stars." working next to the Devil's own. like Jesus did. "Who is this Man? He is nothing but a wine-bibber, and interacts with sinners." -Pharisees.

very fascinating.

on that note, i mentioned it to one of my guys, Josh. he then volunteered the question "is masturbation bad?" heh. how to answer that? 'yes, if you're thinking about sex. no if you're not.'
funny thing is, no one talks about it. no church has the BALLS to talk about it. heck no. lol. you know, pastors have been voted out, or kicked out of their churches for being caught with porn. and yet many of our pastors, even the venerable Doug Batchelor has done drugs. Their reputations couldn't be higher.


well, i'd better go, it's 12:45 am and i'll be home by 1:15 if i'm lucky.

did i mention that i'm moving? no more 13 chablis. i'll be temporarily in St. John's Bay, near Mission Bay, with two of the coolest guys - Sean and Wayne. 2 of 3 identical triplets. sweet as.

and the Piha boogie boarding souveniers are still there - the sandfly bites. you can't die from anything in NZ, but they will itch to hell. man.

to all a merry Easter, an awesome weekend. Remember not the eggs, the bunnies, and all that. Remember our Lord. "He is not here, He is risen."

much love. one God.

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Date:2005-03-12 01:11
Subject:twas the night after chaos
Mood: exanimate
Music:mental signing "Caught Up" - Usher

twas the night after chaos
and all was still when
the sound of the printer
too quickly begins
the typing of keys
with the stirring of tea
the mental fights over
this chaos 'round me
tomorrow saves not
nor rest will be found
but surely and slowly
my world's run agound
on rocks of the seashore
too soon to appear
if sunday's disasters
come to pass, i fear
already confusion
has taken our minds
it's swelling our heads
and shrinking behinds
so i type and i pray
as i hope for release
to sleep the last hours
just for a days' peace
but no, not for me
a lone soldier am i
to die is to live
i cannot just lie
down and let go
to loosen the grip
of my mind on my soul
but i already slip
i fear i'll fall out
and into that space
where dreams are all real
and where nothing is space
to never comes back
my mind floating ever
some day it just murmurs
"if only, if ever."

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Date:2005-03-07 22:22
Subject:word salad
Mood: complacent

hello my pen is maximum can we get some king!
people kiss my lips but when horses fly we don't...
have to hide pull up the cars over your head and make me happy.
problems kick pigs in the rearview mirror so if we sleep now?
tomato is not the spell to feel love to me fall downside "net"
marshall candy lips chocolate kisses false red and sick
by good again shall see riddance eyes dark and flossing
mystery skies sink ships licking popsicle sleep not

night guys hehe.

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Date:2005-03-04 23:08
Subject:Another Day Another Dollar
Mood: recumbent

Another Day Another Dollar
Nothing has changed much.
Headaches are still headaches,
Mistakes are still mistakes.
No life is still my life because
All work no play makes
Jon a dull boy
Though Improv is coming round
Still's much to be found
For time spent by myself is time
Wasted, savoured, indulged.
I just realized that.
But good news:
Improv kicks off on the 20th,
Brentwood Pathfinders are on track for this year
And we just might be also
Our Goat Island trip is a little behind
Youth cells are taking off okay
We'll see how that goes
I'm starting another study group
So that makes two
All nights this week except Sunday and Thursday are taken
I've lost 3 kgs (6+ lbs) almost
Slimmed down, bulked up
Joined a band
Studying in a children's ministries course
And I'm teaching SS tomorrow.
Wish me luck!
Have a great weekend.

Check out our improv church!!

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Date:2005-02-27 22:57
Subject:the critical point.
Mood: discontent
Music:nothing as usual

there is a point in a person's life, or career or mind where they're isn't the reaching of a critical point. while sometimes it may come only after years of labor, for some it is a choice or a single day where one is at the worst of stress.
perhaps this is a wakeup call for life. life is so busy now. everyday i'm preparing for something. for bible studies, for comittee meetings, for seminars.

so last night, i didn't sleep. i wanted to. but i didn't want to. i wanted to keep going. and i don't know why. i keep working, and working, and working. i just stayed up and kept going going going. then i slept. and now i'm so tired...and in the midst of doing all this to myself, i cannot but help asking why i did it.
what for? is this life? just an endless round of life, going and going somewhere, the venerable rat's wheel. i have to get out.
but the question of life then is: "if you get out of the rat race, what will you do then?" perhaps i'll be able to work with creating low level SES housing. perhaps in interior design - creating living spaces as art. perhaps i'll be a dancer, if there is any muscle left in my body...or perhaps i just should not do any of that...

be a dancer. be an interior decorator. be all those things i could be. ideally. and realistically. perhaps. but what happens when all that's over? what do i live for? be a writer - i seem to update this journal enough. lol.

i don't think the answer is in being something, accomplishing something. that's all bull. but what should i base my life on? have as life goals?

thing is...the real world needs money to live on, food to eat, a place to live. so i get those first...then start on diversifying lol.
and what then? what if i travel the world. what if i am a dancer, rockclimber, snowboard liftie, beach bum, a rock star, and do/become/accomplish everything i ever dreamed of?

where do i go from there? what if i was the next oprah, giving away thousands of dollars, hundreds of homes, cars, food. is that it? it this all there is to life?

of course this is leaving God out of the picture. even with Him, though....i guess i'm just tired. i'm so tired. nothign changes, really. people are people. you know the one victory i thought i had. the one question of following Christ? it was a fluke. a fake - some cousin marked her paper for her. i can't believe it. that is so mean.

plus i feel like im' getting no where. i have succeeded only in pissing people off, and becoming friends with rebellious 15, and 16 year olds. yet where does that leave me? i can take them on camps, i could talk the most intriguing speeches, the best songs, the coolest rides, all witha "christian" twist.

for what?

i'm just entertaining them. and nothign changes.

nothing changes about how the church meets. nothing is done about how life is lived. nothing is done about the pain that is so much around the world.

that protitute is haunting me. i cannot help myself anymore. this world sucks. no one cares. Christianity is like some stupid ostrich sticking it's head in the sand of rhetoric, non-caring, materialistic, greed for "souls" in the endless pursuit of "becoming holy." bullshit.

how dare we think that lonely we are making a "world" of difference. we are only patching up holes in a leaking boat that is going nowhere fast. and no matter how many sermons we preach, no matter how many satellite series' we do - who's gonna help these things? who is going to help those girls?

how can we say we're christians, and yet leave them? i walked by them. condemning myself. and i can't beleive it. how sick is this? how twisted is this? the pretense of godliness and the essence of evil being the same thing.

now there's a thought. so you think, while i try to sleep my assimilated pseudo-guilt/hopelessness/exhaustion away. wish me luck anyone? heh.

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Date:2005-02-27 03:12
Subject:night sounds

so it's like 3 am here. and i wonder why i'm stupidly doing this. i'm at a net cafe, 20 minutes away from my house. i don't wanna go home. i wanna sleep here, or sleep somewhere. just not at home. i love being in the streets. the night aroma of jasmine, or plumaria is so nice.
and since i'm not varying the beginning of my sentences, i must be tired.


i'm here.

you know those images that you see that you never forget? tonight i was walking the streets of downtown auckland. we passed by a "massage" parlor. and i'll never forget the three girls, probably not too much older than i, sitting on the sidewalk. just sitting. on break, i assume, but sitting, and doing nothing.

so this is the first time i see a prostitute up close.

i felt so sad. so terribly sad inside. it was as if there was no hope, no love for them. no one cared - we all just walked by, pretending not to see. one sat alone, smoking. another sat with the third's head on her lap. sleeping on the street. dresed kinda like they were clubbing, but you coudl tell. their vacant stares were like looking through a telescope to hell's aftermath. nothingness and void. frightening. very frightening.

have a night guys. i dont' know if i will.

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Date:2005-02-26 00:36
Subject:something good
Mood: predatory
Music:cricket and cicadas

so tonight was our first improv performance - in front of a live, Papatoetoe crowd. It was cool stuff...a bit strange though. We weren't in the "zone" to speak. Improv just didn't go as well as it could have. No CROW, no scene...though there definitely were parts that made it funny. We're hoping in the future that we'll do much better - we'll need to for Improv Church.

And tomorrow's a BIG job...sabbath school BREAKFAST which means getting up at 7AM in the morning. Then I have to SING for song service, PLAY "His eye is on the sparrow" for special music, ACT in a puppet show, and then PLAY piano for a closing song. WHEW.

On to potluck/church lunch. I think I'll have a chompo bar. hehe.

After that, set up and prep for PATHFINDERS from 2-4pm!
And after Pathfinders, we schedule: cell group, possibly a jam session, next meeting prep, and Pursuit Leader meeting to run schedules...God help us.

I'm gonna step back into SAU an old man. Grey hairs. Drinking tea. And totally drained. I'll have to walk around with an IV in my arm just to function. Heh, perhaps I'll get "old guy" status/handicap for my grades.

I'm running on lots of some b vitamins, guarana, and yes, some caffeine! WHOOO HOOOO. Let's get going!

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Date:2005-02-21 12:44
Subject:touching redline

Wow...yesterday was scary.

Do you know what it feels like to agonize for someone? To wish or care or suffer for them so much that it actually breaks you down?

Yesterday was like that. Emergent Church, a book which talks about emerging worship/vintage worship programs has a chapter on attitudes of the church. very inspiring, and at the same time, very tiring - since we'll never get that here.

Thoughts of that, plus frustration and physical exhaustion = me being sick for the rest fo the day. Totally - body aching, headaches, no energy, internal pain. it felt as if i had the flu! or a mild case of it at least.

so today, after sleeping in till 10, i hope i'll be better. gah, the last thing i need is to be stress-sick.

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Date:2005-02-20 13:16
Subject:emergent churches, ramen, massages

This week's been stressful...but it's over for now. Funny, how times of rest are no longer dedicated to specific weekdays. One feels stressed - to day is my day off...i had to push hard to get the light from my mid-back. and finally i feel okay. However i do not have the energy's like i get so tired.

I feel so much for my guys. Combine that with the non-changing narrow minded people who i have to please, plus a pastor who seems too much to skim over real attitude changes for mere words....ugh.

I wanna go home. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of feeling the burden of responsibility. I don't want this anymore. And yet i do. Finding time with my kids here, but it's just so sad...i wish i was not this - there's no compensation for support. Someone that believes the same way you do.


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