How is it that you can be the most supportive fucking person in your family; the only one out of all your siblings that does everything for your parents, especially your mom and the one friend that everyone seems to call when ever they need a fucking shoulder to lean on or ear to chew off but, when you have a fucking problem, everyone acts like you don't have the fucking right to every be upset over something! All I hear from everyone family and my so called friends is drama, drama, drama and bitching, bitching, bitching about every fucking they 24/7. But, when I get a little stressed out and need someone to talk too I get treated like I'm a fucking mental case and everyone has better things to do than offer an ear for me! What the fuck! I'm the only one out of my siblings who doesn't take advantage of my mom and does every fucking thing for her! My other siblings literally only call my mom when when they need a fucking baby sitter! My mom would literally only see my brother once a fucking year on Christmas and that's a big fucking maybe if he didn't have any kids for my mom to baby sit! My sister only calls when she can't find one of the usual two dozen other fucking losers she calls first to get them to do something for her! When she has a friend to keep her company or someone else to give her money for something; we won't hear for her for fucking days on end! I do more for my mother in one week than my siblings have done for her in the last six months! And no it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm living with her because even when I was on my own for six fucking years, I was over her house every other fucking day helping her clean, do laundry, food shopping, run errands or just keep her company and I earn my fucking keep around here by doing that same shit every day, even having dinner ready most days if I'm home at dinner time and food shopping with money out of my pocket and doing their fucking laundry besides my own! And friends?! What fucking friends?! I guess everyone is so used to me (Rachel) being "old reliable" when it comes to having someone to talk too that I'm expected to all of a sudden not be human and have no feelings of my own! I've done nothing but screw up my fucking life. Quit one job after another because I wasn't happy and still don't have a clue as to what I'd like to do at 38 years of age. What a fucking loser! No job, still living with my parents, no car, over weight and no social life! I wish I had the fucking balls to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger and I don't want to hear how other people have died and would have given anything to keep on living so I should be grateful to be alive, o.k.! Fuck you too! I've literally gone to St. Patrick's Cathedral (Church) and begged on my knees in church, begged in prayer for some kind of sign to be sent to me, giving me a clue as to what I should be doing with my life! I've both watched on television and heard stories about people who were positive that they were sent some kind of sign letting them know what direction their lives should be going in. I want that same sign! Where is it? I feel like my life is just going around in circles and I'm just taking up space on this planet! Everone else has gone on and gotten married, had families, started careers and I'm just a big fucking loser! I have nine more weeks left of unemployment checks! I'm going to see what happens in those nine weeks! I don't want to settle for another low paying job just for the sake of working! Because that's been my cycle for the past couple of years! I quit one job because I want to find another more "rewarding" job or a job I feel I should really be doing, all so I can panick at the last minute and just settle for any job once again, only to repeat the same fucking cycle the following year! Once again, waiting for that fucking sign! I can't do it again! Damn it! I really want to have the balls in another nine weeks to be able to end my life! I'm not waiting for the sign or maybe that was supposed to be the sign all along?! Maybe I'm supposed to end my life so I can be made an example to other people; like in my family?! If I end my own life, maybe my nephew will straighten his lazy ass out and start doing better in school and maybe my sister will get off her lazy ass and decide not to be on public assistance anymore and finally decide to make something of herself! If I ended my life I also won't have to worry about how fucking fat I got, or being 38 and single! I won't have to worry about shit and I can just rest in piece!
WTF?! Just when I think I should; for the umpteen millionth time, try and fight may way through the social anxiety that's plaqued me most of my life and try and not be so anti-social; I'm given another reason why I prefer and luv to be alone! Drama, drama, drama! Will I have to be dead before a day will actually go by and I wont have experienced any kind of fucking drama? I'm not talking about the drama that comes along with the good shit that's currently going on in your life! I'm talking about the never ending bullshit 24/7! I don't mind listening to and I don't have a problem with people I know telling me they had a bad day or are having some kind of emergency or crisis in their lives and just need a shoulder to lean providing that isn't the only reason why you ever fucking call me! But, please spare me the neighborhood gossip bullshit, whom isn't speaking to whom, whom is fucking, sucking, cheating on, going to prison, coming out of prison, giving the finger to, might be talking about to whom or some other silly ass, baby shit that has absolutely nothing to do with me! Or the same fucking complaints you've had for years on end and obviously just love the sound of your fucking voice repeating itself over and over again or think I may just luv repeating the same fucking advice for the gazillionth time like Dr. Fucking Phil! I'm tired of seeing people I care about being taken advantage of and taken for granted by other people I care about! I'm tired of how much time and how many years of my life I've wasted doing absolutely nothing for myself, because of the huge guilt I felt after feeling like I would be abandoning someone or leaving them to take care of everything I was never asked to help out with in the first place! I'm tired of watching other people I care about waste their lives, because their just lazy and just don't give a shit and I'm tired of watching other people I care about have to suffer the consequences like having to pick up after or clean up the messes of those other lazy and just don't give a shit people! WTF ?! I'm really, really, really, fucking tired and you know what?! It's just doesn't seem worth it most days! The desire to just become one of those selfish, lazy, two faced, users who only give a fuck about themselves and their own needs is starting to look better and better every day! The only thing having any compassion or conscience gets you these days is a kick in the ass! I can fucking stop everything, any time I want, no more bills, no more hating the fucking job you have, no more worrying about the future, no more being to fucking fat, no more crying, no more depression, no more listening to everyone elses bullshit and best of all; removing myself permanently, only forces the people in question to have no other choice but to deal with shit themselves! It seems like such a relief, such a weight off my shoulders I can almost feel it!
Wow, I completely forgot that I had this journal on here! We're talking about what? Almost three years! Holy shit! Anyway, it really helps looking over old journals, online, written down, however you do it; wanna know why? Because it reminds me of what a loser and waste of life I've been! Sitting around feeling sorry for myself! Enough is enough already. One of my friends who frequently runs into one of my exboyfriends, just informed me that, she was told he is now engaged! I know he's been going out with this woman forever, at least five or six years. I broke up with him nearly a decade ago! Almost a fucking decade "ten years" ago! What a fucking loser I am! I can count on one hand, well less than one hand; how many dates I've been on since then! Not relationships! Dates! Single Dates! I've put myself on the back burner for to fucking long! No more feeling sorry for myself! No more low self esteem bullshit! I could've been married already right now if I wanted too! If I hadn't procrastinated! It's always the same bullshit with me. I'm unhappy with myself (weight), job, lack thereof, financial status, relationship status! Enough already! I need to get on with my life before I become retirement age!
Feeling really hopeless lately. I hate everything and everybody. I don't want sympathy. I don't need sympathy. I just want to vent. I hate my job, my life, myself. I'm in my thirties and given up the solitude of my own apartment to move back in with my parents, nephew and pregnant sister in order to pay off some bills and get back on my feet again. I hate my job and can't decide on what the hell I'd rather be doing before I reach retirement age. I've gained a ton of weight since having surgery two years ago and keep from stuffing shit into my mouth! What a patheric loser. The only thing worse than all of this is the pathetic way I keep feeling sorry for myself and whining about it! I know what I need to do to make things better but, everytime I make an attempt at the right thing the depressions kicks in and all I can think of is killing myself. I find myself trying to convince myself how much better off I'd be if I just ended my life. I could use the Christmas bonus I'm supposed to get from my job to leave it to my mom so she wouldn't have to worry about burial expenses.
Pregnant again! No not me! My sister! No job for atleast two years now, refuses to get one, still living under her mother's roof paying no rent, contributing absolutely nothing, in her thirties, has a thirteen year old son that my mother raised, and she's pregnant again with no plans of marrying or even moving in with the loser that got her pregnant. He's only in his twenties and already has children by not one but two other woman, all of which he also never married and pays no child support. I can't understand for the life of me how someone can have such little regard for other people. She's never been grateful to my mother for keeping a roof over her lazy, unworking ass, or showed any gratitude to my mother who has come home from work, standing on her feet, nine hours a day, for the past thirteen years of her grandsons life, make sure he's fed, homework is done, gets in the bathtub, does his laundry, makes sure he gets to the dentist and doctors appointments, and even has to give my sister a list of questions to ask the doctor! My sister has only ever "baby sat" her own son! As soon as my mother is in the doorway home from work, my sister is like "o.k. I'm out of here!" If it wasn't for my mother, her ass would be on the street! She's left home three times to run off with three different guys and came crawling back when they kicked her lazy ass to the curb! And did I mentioned two of those times she left home was when her own son was a baby! And she didn't so much as say good bye to her own kid! She just left him with my mother and said "see ya!" Why am I so concerned? Because I have very valid reasons why I should have stopped speaking to my mothers years ago! Why I should have left and never looked back! But I decided to not only swallow my pain, forgive her in my own mind and stick around, but, I have done nothing but support my mother financially, emotionally and physically (as far as raising my nephew was concerned), seven days a week for the past thirteen years! And not matter how much I tell myself to mind my damn business and get on with my own life; it tortures the shit out of me to constantly see how little respect and gratitude my sister has for anyone, including her son, except for herself and whatever guy she happens to be screwing that particular week!
Well at least I was civil to him! "Him" referring to person I cast off about a year and a half ago as any kind of friend. I know it was a year and a half because he reminded me when he called me at work this afternoon, saying he finally relocated my telephone number. I kept it short, sweet and very civil, no promises of talking to you soon. Yes, I guess I can hold a grudge. For anyone reading this, here's the scenario: a year and a half ago, I returned above-mentioned person's telephone call, only to be told by them that they were presently on the other line with their "boss" and could I hold while they finished up the call! Sure, no prob, except for the fact that they never put me on hold, allowing me to hear the rest of the conversation with said "boss", (obviously on a separate telephone!), they proceeding to tell "boss" as follows: "listen can I call you right back I have my MOM on the other line!" His what????????? Reminder: I am only and have always only been a platonic friend to this person, or thought I was, the above person is married with children and I was at the time friends with wife as well. Anywho, when my "male" so called friend returned to me on the line, I asked why I just overheard him refer me to his "boss" as his mother?! He claimed it was because he didn't want his boss to know he was on a personal telephone call. Coincidentally, right after I hung up with him I spoke to another friend of mine, whom I informed during our conversation that I had just spoken with "Mr. My Mom's on the other line!", a mutual friend of ours, and went on to tell her (yes this other friend is a she!) about the funny MOM reference he gave me. Surprise! She said he asked her if he could call him back because his "MOM" was on the other line! HELLO!!!!! What is going on here! What was that all about. I could only believe that for whatever reason, he didn't want either one of us to know he was on the telephone with the other! For what reason?! I never had or intended for anything to happen between the two of us and I'm pretty sure he never had anything going with my other friend either and he's fully aware that my other friend and I speak and hang out on a regular basis. When we go visit him, his wife and kid; it's the "two of us" that go visit them! I know, I know, "why didn't I question him?" "Why?" because as a person, I don't trust very easily to begin with never have and have to work on it if I ever plan to in the future, but, I felt so violated, as a "supposed" friend of this person, by the entire situation, that I just decided to cast the person off forever! I also felt that I would be giving this person some kind of power if I came of as a whining "why did you do this to me" tantrum!