roar blah grr   
09:50pm 26/06/2003
mood: moody
music: Matchbook Romance: Promise ( this song explains my feelings)
Ummmm blah im bored.......i feel really yucky.Aunt flow is down for another weekly visit.Errrrrr........Today I went to walmart , it was ok i didnt get anything though.Today was just not my day.I think its because i didnt get a nice sleep last night adam had called me and kinda scared me....Didnt get much sleep and had nightmares when i did sleep, but yea i almost hit two cars today only one time would have been my fault , i started crying and my mom laughed at me.I felt like an idiot, but my emotions are crazy this week its not my fault.I talked to robert while i was waiting for my mom to get out of walmart, i feel like hes getting sick of me it might just be me but i dont know.I feel bad when i talk to him some times because i dont trust him, when he tells me the way he feels i always think hes lying to me.Although everyone else seems to tell me hes a loser and to leave him because i can do much better , i just cant seem to let go and it makes me feel stupid to tell him how i feel because i cant trust him enough to belive what he says to me. but yea enough blabbing about robert, i think im going to check my email and try to make this night some what interesting.later later
i feel like shit   
03:27am 18/06/2003
mood: depressed
music: no music my life is down the shithole right now.
yea well my birthday was ok i'll talk about it some other time. Im feeling all depressed right now , me and robert broke up hes really an asshole to be but i cant seem to ep that in my head, my feelings for him arent changing not yet at least, but i'll be ok.And as my away message says.......i hurt so bad
no ones here to make anything better
i just have to go on living with this pain untill it slowly goes away,its alright i'll be ok i wont hurt this bad tomorrow..I gave my everything and all i got back was being hurt and broken.I hate feelings,i wish i didnt feel love or hate, or touch or brake, i wish i was a feelingless blob of nothing.
i love you even if i shouldnt.

But yea i feel like shit and im going to bed.write more some other time.
ooh i cant wait   
10:34pm 13/06/2003
mood: anxious
music: im watching tv...
dude my birthday is in like 10 hours or sompthin,I cant freakin wait!!!I hate damn birthday suprises every one keeps sneaking around me and like acting like im not supposed to know what there saying and it makes me mad!I am very very very nosy and i want to know everything.tomorrow is also sarahs gramas birthday so she will be on her gmas computer all day and will probably read this so sarah if you read this I LOVE YOU! haha but um yea what did i do today nothing!well actually sarah called and woke me up at like 2 so i talked to her and then i called my mom and she was busy so then i sat there and watched tv and played on the net then jessica came home and we talked and then i called my mom again and we talked she is taking me to del taco for my birthday lunch isnt that hilarious!? ah its wonderful though i cant wait to eat that veggie works burrito...mmmmmmmm yummy...Then we went to cvs,the post office, craft and suffs and then winn dixie, i got this spray in hair spray dye stuff that washes out in black i cant wait to try it.I also got some other stuff nothing wonferul just little things, after that i came home and made a little pizza thingy then kaley called and her and jason came and picked me up and we went to dairy queen and ate some food and also saw jessica.Kaley and Jason crack me up thier hilarious!Im trying to find sompthin to wear for tomorrow but i have nothing that i like! grrrrrrr but uh yea i think thats all for tonight or well for the moment.happy birthday to me ooh oooh happy birthday to me oooh ooooh,(thats my birthday song to myself).love yah
blah blah blah   
09:32pm 12/06/2003
mood: drunk
music: um no music watching tv duhhh
my burthday is in liek less than two days considering i was born into this hell like world at 8:41 in the morning.Im so extremly bored on this dull thursday night.I should be happy that my birthday is coming up but im not, this years birthday will suck alot of ass.I wont be getting alot of presents(wich really doesnt bother me that much) and i wont get to see my 2 best friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!My sarah will be visiting her grandmother because its her birthday too!!!! And my Robert....He will still be at camp untill MONDAY!!! i dont think i can live that long without him.Its already been like 4 days i think since ive seen him!I miss him so so so much.Jessica is making me think that he might come home for my birthday.....i hope so damn i hate birthday suprises.grr i cant wait for my birthday!!!!!!but yea right more later
time to lay in my bed and watch tv, wooo hooo dooo goo
grr,blah, and double blah....   
10:27pm 08/06/2003
mood: scared
music: the ataris- so long astoria the whole cd
Today sucked alto of fucking ass.After i went to the grocery store craig called and said he was at my house and wanted to hang out so i came home and we hung out and we went to the pier and subway and all that, it was going all good for most of the time but then we were walking back from the pier to craigs car at subway and craig said sompthin about robert cheating on me with sigourney.....He said that robert was "fucking" her and that he thought i knew and that he didnt know we were still dating....This really did upset me alot but then we got to subway and ashley,lee,and eric asked if i was dating "bob" and i was like um yea and craig blurts out yea i just told her that he was cheating on her she didnt know and they all acted like they didnt know what he was talking about , ashley said that sigourney was just a tease and that she wouldnt do that.....Eric said that he doesnt really hang with robert all that much so he didnt know for a fact that it was true but didnt think that robert would cheat on me and at least not with sigourney.I came home a little later and told my mom and jessica what they all said and jessica thinks that craig was just lying because he wants me and we wants me and robert to brake up .I never really thought craig liked me like that anymore or whatever but it is a possibility.Im nto srue who to belive because robert was the so called player back in his day, I never really thought robert would cheat on me because i thought things were going great the way we were but then again he is robert.Im just so confused i really wish he would call but im doubting the fact that he will call tonight , i really wish he would though because i reallly want to talk to him.Damn this week isnt going very well.I hope it gets better and i hope to hear from robert and hope he tells me the truth. but yea thats all i really have to say tonight besides my birthday is in less than 6 days now....much love
later later
grr to the world   
04:44pm 08/06/2003
mood: lazy
music: no music right now but it will be techno in a second...
well today is a nothing day i slept untill like 4 and am going to g to the grocery store thats about all i will probably do today....Yesterday sucked, it sucked alot.Robert left yesterday but first before he left he camke over to see me for a little bit .He woke me up and got me out of bed and then me,him, and jessica went to dairy queen he got a nasty chicken strip basket(he liked it) and a misty for himself and one for me.After that we all came hoem and me and robert feel asleep on eachother while jessica played on the computer.It was a nice nap.Then after our nice nap he left, he left to go to church camp....:(Later on while my mom, jessica, and i were watching "the gift"( wich was on ok movie i guess) he called and told me that he wouldnt be here on my birthday wich is in 6 days , I told him he was lying to me and he continued to argue and tell me he wouldnt be here and that he had already givin me my present , but really although i love my presents all i want is him....So ofcorse once i got off the phone with him i started to cry, wouldnt you if your bf wouldnt be here on your birthday?But yea I will probably right more later but im going to leave to go to the store now, so yea much love
ah summer....   
04:40pm 29/05/2003
mood: bored
music: the ataris-a wont spend another night alone.
damn summer has sucked so far....Ive done absolutly nothing so far.The first friday and saturday were ok i guess i had fun then,Sunday was great I got to be with My Robert,then monday and tuesday i visited family in macon,ga.Ofcorse Im having a weekly visit from Aunt FLOW.Grrr.Why do i have to be a woman.I just dont understand.Todays thursday i think i would love to see robert but im not sure if that will happen today.This saturday Village Green is having a garage sale so i have to get all my shnit and pack it up to sell.Hopfully i can get some money....But yea im going to watch tv or sompthin to try to get my mind off of how incredibly bored i am.SO yea right back some other time.
12:07am 23/05/2003
mood: bitchy
music: Happy 2 be hardcore 7 techno music!
Im in super bitch mode tonight, cant help it.Ive just finally gone insane.I hate living with so many people in my house.I go in the fridge to find sompthin to eat and its always gone!Damnit and i really wanted those strawberries.And I also hate it when i go to find sompthin to wear for the day and i have no clean clothes because every one else has worn them and thrown them on the floor.Im 14 and I hate cleaning im not ready to be a "mother type" person Im sick of cleaning every one elses crap.I liked it when my room was clean or if it was messy it was at least messy with my crap.I just dont feel good tonight.The 2 things I want i cant have,my robert and those damn strawberries.I hate it when robert doesnt have his car.I miss my robert and i dont go on well without him.I also think it might be time for Aunt Flow to have a weekly visit!!!!!Blahhhhhh.I hate being a woman!And another thing!Victoria has supposdly run away from home, packed up her stuff and left.I find this hard to belive because i know she will be back withen a day or few.I always have to deal with her drama no matter what.Mom doesnt want her back her because shes extremly pissed at her but i know she'll be back she always does manage to come back.She is just such a drama queen.Grrrr!but yea enough bitching for my little blurty journal.write back tomorrow or whatever.
10:04pm 20/05/2003
mood: horny
Blah today is an interesting day!its my moms birthday!I made her a cake yesterday we will get to eat it later tonight though.Im at my roberts house right now im going to leave in a bit though.... blah roberts just such a mean mean person!But I love him so much!yea I'll probably write more tomorrow or whenever i get my computer back.
so thats all for now
doo doo di doo   
01:08am 15/05/2003
mood: thoughtful
music: stacie orrico- stuck (damn song is stuck in my head)
blahhhhhhhh...........Im so hyper/bored/anxious/lonely/happy/sad/blah!Im all alone tonight for the first time in forever , i thought i would be happy if every one wasnt here but to tell the truth im kinda lonely by myself.Me and robert talked for a long time on the phone i guess you would say.Yet again hes at the triton working.hes an interesting person to talk to on the phone while he works....we talked about alot of stuff,big things, small things, things that really had nothing to do with anything, just weird stuff.Im glad i have him, I feel like i could talk to him about things i couldnt ever tell anyone, he really makes me happy.I know i frustrate him alot though,alot of the time i feel like a little kid around him because i know hes used to different things with a gf and im just different from what hes used to.I know that upsets him and sometimes i think about changing, but i just dont think im ready to change in that way yet.It kinda scares me to talk about stuff like that becuase im not going to do anything untill im ready but with alot of guys they wont wait for me to be ready and im not sure if he can.Blah thats enough talking about that shnit!Sorry to gross out todays journal entry.Anyways Jessica and Victoria are acting differently lately.I always used to think they hated eachother but lately they've been extremly friendly towards eachother....Im shocked.confused,and kinda scared by that.but yea I think its time for me to write a poem and try to go to later later!
10:22pm 13/05/2003
mood: sick
music: no music but im listening to jess and vic watch how high...
Blah, im really bored i just got off the phone with my lovely sarah.She was lookign for a ride to goodwill for tomorrow but i dont think it will happen.Today was an itneresting day, i woke up to victoria screaming at me then i watched catch me if you can, it was a really good movie, i liked it alot.After that jessica got home and i took a shower then we went down to the pier and subway as we normally do.Eric said everyocant hang out there anymore because his managers brother was watching him or sompthin,its all good though.Young boys are so strange today always wanting to fight some one over some stupid little thing,"ooh he looked at me im gonna kick his ass"WTF! People look at me all the time but i dont get up and hit them for it, or like he called me a loser im gonna show him what a loser is.Alot of people make me angry or upset but im not going to go out and fight every one because of it.Get a damn punching bag kids its a good place to release anger!I think I anger my mom alot,but im a teenager its not my fault!She says she wants every one out of the house but the only person shes telling is me and im sick of her yelling at me!but yea what else happend today........I took a shower (as i normally do everyday) and shaved my legs, although i missed a few patches of hair...its ok though i didnt wear anything short to show my legs anyways.Ihave to go to the docter tomorrow,*moans* i hate the docter, they alway make me do stuff, and plus i know im fat i dont want to know how much i gained this week!But its ok i will get medicine for my throut because ive been sick for a lil while(damn craig) and that will make me feel better.but yea im thinking robert might be here soon so im gonna stop typing......later!
12:36am 13/05/2003
mood: bored
music: Rufio- Dont hate me (random music found on my comp)
Blah, Im soooo bored.I should be asleep now like all the other good little kids but i cant sleep.i have to take my mom to the dentist tomorrow and get up all bright and shiny in the morning wich will suck major!But its all good I'll make it somehow.I talked to my robert not to long ago, hes at work.*Mr. bobert gives you gas, Mr bobert gives you food, Mr. bobert will kick your ass with the big sword thingys!!*Dont ask lots of boredom....hes quitting working at the triton though,that makes me happy back to the barn he gos.I just feel alot more safe when hes at bennies,plus it doesnt take as much money to get there cause the triton is out in bumfuckegypt!!So yea that was something almost interesting, i guess.I was trying to think of what i would do for my birthday but i cant think of anything that sounds good.I could always have a pool party like every other year of my life,or i could have a little techno rave type party but theres no room in my house.So im thinking i might just not have a big special party just go with whatever happens...i dunno its all so confusing i hate birthdays(but at the same time i love them)My moms birthday is in like 8 days. I should probly do sompthin for her....She is my mom and loves me oh so much no matter how annoying i get.I think me and the other ten million people living at my house will make her a cake or sompthin....who knows but yea i think im going to color or sompthin since no one is online and all!
later later!
09:15pm 12/05/2003
mood: blah
music: The starting line-Nothings gonna stop us now
well i havent wrote in here since i got it so i thought now might be an ok time to do so....I just got back from the pier we had been there since about 4 (we= me,jessica,and vic and the rest of the peeps down there)Some of those kids down there just drive me insane with all there drama, "i love him, i'll give him a kid if he wants one" goodness gracious what these kids will do for a crush these days.Thats why im glad i have my robert i dont have all that drama with him i mean yea theres drama but not anything big, well i guess me and robert are just different than most teenage relationships these days.I dont care if he gos out and stays out late,i dont care if he does stuff that i dont like,i dont care if he gos and sees his friends rather than seeing me,i dont care if he messes around with other chicks.....well i do care but if he does than its his life he can do what he wants if he wants me in it then he knows what he can and cant do and if not then whatever.I dunno its just all so crazy these days the world revolves around sex,drugs,and gossip.I mean with me personaly im a virgin and i dont see the point in having sex with a guy just to keep the relationship going if i want to have sex with you than i will but the reason for it wont be because i want to have a boyfriend and i want to be cool.most girls are all like "man i wish i had a bf" or like crying and getting thier mood down because they dont have a bf or the bf broke up with them or whatever, but me yea i have one but if i didnt i would be ok i dont need a boyfriend to live.Yea there fun but you really dont "NEED" one to they drive me insane.Im just thinking that ive matured alot faster than most people my age.....i dont need to be cool, i dont need to be liked, i dont need to lie to be popular or whatever.Im just me and i just dont care what other people think!!!!!I also got to see Paco today for the first time in like forever i didnt really know him all that well before he went to jail but i had met him a few times,but robert brought him by today and he was really cool he made me smile,he has star tattoos,there soooo awesome.Im glad i got to wake up to robert and paco rather than victoria,it was a nice little totally confusing wake up.hmm what else almost interesting happend today....nothing really i guess ,well damn im boring........Guess thats all for tonight, much love, Rach
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