the blood in my veins' journal

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Monday, June 7th, 2004
9:07 pm - hmm, what to write what to write
"and even if her plane crashes tonight she'll find some way to disappoint me, by not burning in the wreckage, or drowning at the bottom of the sea. Jess i still taste you thus reserve my right to hate you. And all this empty space that you create does nothing for my flawless sense of style. Its 8:45 the weathers getting better by the hour, i hope it rains there all the time"

^yeah thats straight from my head, didnt even need to look up lyrics :P


why cant i ever find a girl who is nice, and honest, and caring...

current mood: anxious
current music: 504plan - my life in music

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Monday, April 5th, 2004
5:15 pm - yeah...im still alive...
how long has it been...months?

I dont want to write my feelings in this stupid thing...last time i did that they were used against me...but I've forgotten about those people so fuck it...

Things have been really bumpy lately, I don't know what to think about my life at this point honestly. There are some great things dont get my wrong...but there are others that weigh me down. Lets get the negative out of the way first, that way when I'm done writing here I'll have the happy things to relfect on...I really have had enough of this self-induced punishment I always seem to give myself...

I got depressed again lately...I dont know why. I'm seriously considering getting medical help...it's gotten to the point where Im afraid of what I'll do to myself sometimes. It's not neccessarily a hurt myself physically kind of thing...its more mental which is why it hurts that much more...you cant heal a wound on your pride as easily as a cut on the wrist now can you. I've been feeling so many emotions recently, good and bad...but the bad just seem to be much more intense and debilitating then I've ever felt. I know I've had my ups and downs before but this seems different. I can't stand where I am in my life...I absolutely hate it. If you gave me a choice of sticking with my life as it is or just stopping here I'm afraid to think about which answer I'd pick. Probably to continue...I couldn't bear the thought of leaving behind those few poeple that are the only people that keep me going from day to day. Without them I can honestly say I don't know what I'd do with myself. I'm such a pathetic nothing. If I just disappeared I don't think anyone would even remember. I feel so insignificant and pointless.

A feeling of overwhelming guilt also worsens my attitude about my life. My mother tries to do everything to make me happy...but I can only repy the favor by being cold and distant to her. I dont even remember the last time we actually had a conversation. It just seems that I'm stuck in this prison that I can't break out of. Recently I started picking up habits to try and erase the feelings that bring me sadness. To drink and smoke until I dont even remember what being sad feels like. It scares me to think like that. I was never like this before...its so bad i really dont know what to except to wait and just hope this passes like it has before. Why do I have to feel so much...my eyes are almost watering from the words that I am typing. I just have to beleive...beleive this will pass...because without that I have nothing.

Now the positive aspects of my life. Me and Kim have been talking a bit more and I like it. We havent really been friends like we used to be for a long time now. It means a lot to me because I dont have any friends who I can talk to which is why I tend to keep this shit all inside then I'll whine to thsi god damned website every few months because I cant take it anymore. Close friends are rare to me these days. I'm lucky if I have one...

There is one thing that really makes me enjoy my life right now though, probably the only thing besides music. Well, duh it's obviously a girl. She's been so great...shes fun to be with, shes the only person who can make me smile, and I don't mean a laugh haha smile...Im talking about a real smile where I can actually feel myself being happy. I don't know if she feels the same way I do, I think I make her life better( at least I hope I do). She's just so good, and i dont know why but I just have this driving feeling to be there for her. I guess I want to give her something she hasent had in a long time. I don't understand why she has been treated the way she was. She's so beautiful, shes fun, she is great to talk to, I would rather die then ever make her feel anything bad. I don't know if I've become to attached but just talking to her can make everything alright...theres no better feeling then jsut being around her. This is really all I have right now...besides the fact that I hate my life, I hate my home, I hate everything...it's like ive been drifitng in the ocean for years, but finally I see a light in the distance...maybe its land...maybe I'll be saved. I'm getting to much into this I think though...so I'll stop here

current mood: blah
current music: All-American Rejects - Your Star

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Monday, February 23rd, 2004
7:52 pm - I just wanted to let you know
RELIENT K IS THE BEST BAND ON THE GOD DAMNED PLANET


..after a few other good ones though, and remember: Everytime you masturbate a ninja slices a kittens head off and he doesnt even care... Please, think of the kittens.

current mood: Actually in a good mood!
current music: Relient K - From End to End

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Friday, February 20th, 2004
11:51 pm - My untitled song
First thing I've been able to write lyric wise in months


Friday night, same scene different take
live for the life, die for the death
Is this how we are suppossed to live
One more drink, one more regret
Shakedown again make 'em see this through
Life is what we pay for
Death is what we get
So lets make the payments great
Lets make 'em regret the sale
A single face can save us all
But we cannot return the favor
Just turn your back, we got enough regrets anyway
I shake this eight ball but all It says is "ask again later"
Laters not soon enough
Whats it for if we cant see it through
to live for today is to destroy the past
to lvie for the future is to destroy today
darling which would you choose
cus im seeing stars and your opinion is the only one that matters to me
if i had a dollar for every great mistake
id have a single one, with your portrait on the front
so can i cash it in?
im finished paying for his fantasy when the dream died with you

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10:59 pm - Another Insightful Update
I can to a realization today. The reason I view my existance as incredible missearable and dry is this hope the I have grown to hold on to. A hope that someday there will be a reason for me to live. A reason for me to exist at all. It's this one difinative thought that leads me to beleive that the presen is completely irrelevant to the events that will end up to be my life. There's a subconscience knowledge I possess that tells me I'm meant for something great. Which is also my greatest fear. That my life will be meaningless. Nothing strikes a pain in my soul greater then then being aware that I will live and die without having a purpose to doing so. It's like I'm waiting for this one great event where I can prove my true worth and need to exist, but disregarding everything else until my fantasy is achieved. Everyone dreams of great things of course, It's not like I'm the only person to acknowledge this desire. Its just that its so strong. I've never really felt a desire I've been so motivated to achieve. It's society that makes me misearable. Theres no room for improvment, theres nothing left of glory. What kind of valor can a man have in instances such as a fight these days. It's valor when a man could single handedly fight of an army with a sword and shield; but now a man can shoot a hundred men with a mounted machine gun and not even be recognized for his deed. Not that its good to kill, but thats just an example. Today there are no longer any ways for individuals to achieve glory or honor. It's all dollars and glitter. Sometimes I think of how life would have been centuries ago, even decades. Things were so different. People actually existed for purpose. Now they simply exist for no reason other than to live out their natural lifespans and die, only to repopulate and spread. It makes me sad to think that humankind is infact already extinct. What else is there for us to do. We are consuming all our resources, saboauging ourselves even though we are fully aware we are doing so. We are simply ants among the colony. None of us any more important then the other. That is what drives my need to make a difference. To be remembered, to make an impact. When I am gone will I be taught in textbooks as a great individual, will I be looked down upon as an enemy of the race, will I die as millions do; alone, unaknowledged, unknown, unmissed. It's difficult for me to express my thoughts articulatly. This is an issue taht has been troubling me for some time now, and it feels reassuring that maybe someone will read this and feel the same way I do, and share my thoughts. That all I really need, someone to complete me. I realize I'm young and restless in my search for life but I cannot wait any longer. This thought that drives me so passionatly has grown to the point where it consumes my every thought. I dont live a day where I don't think to myself "What can I do to be remembered". I often thought of joining some sort of military and proving my valor through combat, but I am well aware that I am no fighter, and do not possess ant military prowess. Still its something to hold on to until hopefully the one climactic event takes place that will define my entire life. Because if that event doesnot taking place, I will have nothing to prove my existance worth while, I would have been just another uninfluencial human being that does nothing but live and die according to natural law. I dont know how I will go about attaining my dream but I know that I must do so to give meaning to it all. I dont know if whoever is reading this can understand what I'm trying to convey through this entry. It seems as though I've reached a rut in my life and do not know how to overpass it. Its quite tragic that I come about a problem such as this so early in my existance, things are difficult to comprehend and most of my thoughts and ideas come about through fantasy and foolish desires. I dont know what to disregard and what to hold as true. I can just hope that someday It will all make sense, and I'll have someone or something to make sense with. Because that's all we really need in life, to make sense, to exist with purpose. Without Purpose we are nothing.

Simply shadows and dust of what could have been.

current mood: restless
current music: Our Lady Peace - Suoerman is dead

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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
9:52 pm - QUIZ BINGE
apathy
Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways.
You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you
don't care. But that does not make you a bad
person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I
love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a
little more. Trust me life hurts, most people
who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt.
But don't worry, life is pain, its also
pleasure. Good luck. (please vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Nihilist Bear
Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


asshole
your asshole.


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Thats all for now, I'm going to go continue to brood now bye :)


Rebellious
You're a natural born trouble-maker. You hate
authority and do everything you can to get
around the law, or in some cases, break it.
Naturally stubborn, you hardly ever sway once a
decision is made. Your nature is fiery and
courageous, and always out-going. You love
attention and usually have kinky fetishes
you're not afraid to explore. People either
love you or hate you.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

current mood: cranky
current music: Dashboard Confessional - Brilliant Dance

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Saturday, January 24th, 2004
3:51 pm - -
-removed-

current music: -

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3:51 pm - Dont say everythings workingm when everythings broken
I don't even know why I'm writing here. I hate writing in this god damned thing. I never put anything relevant in it, its all jsut mindless events that dont mean shit to anyone. Nothing I write is important anyway. They're my problems why should anyone else know about them. I hate this so much. Theres just to much. I feel like im going to shut down any second, all these emotions are tearing me apart. Why cant I fucking be regular. Why can't i jsut be like everyone else, and be content with who I am. I can't stand myself. I hate me, alnog with probably everyone else. I don't even have a reason to be like this. Im so depressed I don't even want to move. I just want to sit in this empty room alone forever. Never talk to anyone again, and taht'd be fine. I just don't care. Why am I like this. Why do I need some one to help me so much but at the same time all I want is to be alone and drown in my own thoughts until I breakdown. I guess this is the first entry I've ever done where I actually say whats on my mind. Why does love have to be so horrible. Its the slowest form of suicide, and has the potential to tear you to pieces. I hate everything, I hate my, I hate the fucking sky, I hate my home. The only thing that even gives me a remote sense of belonging and contentness is this room. When I'm here the whole world gets shut out. Its just me. Nothing else. I wish thats how it was all the time. I'd never have to worry about anything else ever again. All these frustrating feelings would disappear. I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm a bad person. I'm useless. I'm empty. Maybe someday I'll find out what all this pain is for. But right now I'm done bitching and whining about myself, now I'll just keep everything to myself until I can't talk it anymore and it makes me extinct inside.

current music: Dashboard Confessional >> Saints and Sailors

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Sunday, January 18th, 2004
3:23 pm - Just a quick quiz
I am 37% Emo

Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks.

Take the Emo Test at fuali.com

cool eh

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Monday, January 12th, 2004
7:41 pm - HOLY SHEEEEEEET
Yeah, this is an actual update after like 4 months. Pretty fricken cool eh?

Lets start with Halloween. Started going out with Vanessa. Whoot. Nothing worth rememberering happened between then and Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving me and my parents went up to my Granparents camp with some of their friends for Turkey Day. It was alright even though the 2nd youngest person there was my dad who is 37. lol yeah kinda dull but I had a playstation magazine and my cell phone to keep me occupied. Me Sean and Don have been practicing a little bit, but I don't think its enough. Here's the set list for out January Show:

Nirvana - Breed
Jimi Hendrix - Fire
Smashing Pumpkins - Bodies
Stone Temple Pilots - Plush
Bush - Little things that kill
And one Original me and Don made

The show is on January 23rd at Lansingburg High so all of you asshats go and see us rock out. And incase you don't know, I play bass guitar, Don plays Guitar, and Sean is our Drummer. Christmas this year was alright I guess. I only asked for like 4 things this year, 2 dvds, one game, and a t-shirt. I only got one of the dvd's lol. I got some cool other stuff though like this chair that looks like a car seat that you can rock in. Its good for movies and video games. I got some cool lights for my room, a swirling red siren light, one of the spinning balls with lights comming out of it on all sides, and a revolving disco ball. I also got a few posters and other widgets.

But hands-down I think the best gift was from my Uncle Mike. He gave me his other car. It's a 1989 SAAB. Four door, leather, heated seats, moon-roof, working radio, cruise control, ya know the works. Its not a bad car. Had to put on a new exhaust system a few weeks back, that took a big chunk out of my savings, bout 438 dollars worth to be exact. Oh yeah I broke up with Vanessa during Christmas break. I just didn't think things were working out so I had to end the relationship. She seemed alright, though her friends thought otherwise. Oh well its over with, she's dating a guy she used to like now so its s'all good in the hood. Rebecca broke up with Gary to, seems like the seasen eh? I guess it wasen't working out so well though so maybe its for the better. Negative d is a cool kid so things will work themselves out eventually.

I need a fricken job man. After I start driving more I need to pay for insurance, which is $40 a month now,not to bad. I've been driving a lot lately and I'm getting a lot better. My dad, who is critical of everything I ever do told my mom I was a good driver so far so thats good. Glad I could finally meet his impossible standards. I talked to Jen for the first time in like...a year? lol. I guess she works at FYE at LCM now. Which reminds me I need a job. Also I need to stop blowing off my school work cus it's not gonna get me very far to not do my work. I feel bad not doing it, really bad...but I still cant seem to find the motivation to do it.

Jennay started to learn to play guitar from Don but she hasent been over in a long ass time. Wonder if she still wants to play with the band at all :-/. She is always busy though so I can't really blame her. Grr and Sean never makes it to practice. We'll never be ready for our show if we cant even practice together every weekend. We havent been together for a practice for at least 3 weeks, not good. I just gotta learn my stuff and hope to Jebus I don't get stage fright. Oh yeah we got our PSAT scores back, I got an 1170. The counsuler said that was range of a college like Seiana which is where I'm thinking of going so that made me happy. Being sinlge makes me happy. No responsiblities, no obligations, no promises. "The hand you hold is the hand that holds you down" Guess who sang that kiddies...nope wrong its Everclear. Anyway I can't think of anything else at the moment so I'll leave you with this thought:

"I wrote more postcards than hooks.
I read more maps than books.
Feel like every chance to leave
is another chance I should have took.
Every minute is a mile.
I've never felt so hollow.
I'm an old abandoned church with broken pews
and empty aisles."

current mood: content
current music: Everclear - AM Radio

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Saturday, October 4th, 2003
4:47 pm - Day after Eve 6
Well, lets start from the beginning....

Got picked up by brandon and kim at like 6:20. Wore my old green corderoy hat it was mucho kool. When we got there it was really cold and there was a line. We kept giving kim indian burns while we waited. After like n hour in line I saw cait kennedy and olvia dupace so we let them hop in line with us. That was funnt cus me and brandon tucked our shirts in, put out hats on backwards and pulled our pants up really high. muwahah

After about 20 minutes we got in, and the band didnt start till like 8:30, the first one was a guy with a guitar who was friends with eve 6 so they gave him pity play-time. He was ok though. After him a group came on called Plum Crazy. Their singer was a girl who was literally a blonde avril lavigne and all the other band members exepct the rythm guitar were balding fat guys. Besides that they were ok. Then Caulterize came on, they were from canada <3. They had a punk sound simlar to tbs. They were pretty good. Then after like 3 hours Eve 6 finally came on. They were awesome. The leadsinger was mad cool. During one of the songs some dude came up to me and brandon and was like "throw me up" but we couldnt here what he was saying. After like a minute i finally got it so we grabbed him and threw him into the crowd and he surfed. After it was over we had to wait for my mom so we just hung out inside for a bit. Thats about it, and tonight i have to go to the Colonie HomeComing dance, should be interesting. Im dressing up very suave ;-)

current mood: Sore Throat
current music: Thursday >> This Side of Brightness

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Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
9:31 pm - pointless realization
Something dawned on me today...Its about the high school social structure. Back in the older days, say 60's and 70's the social structure was generally based on your grade. Like if you were in 11th grade you would hang out with other juniors and go to junior parties. If you were a freshman you hung out with freshman and went to freshman parties. It was kinda divided and more orderly then.

But now, grade has nothing to do with anything, its all on who you know. Before if you were a junior and wanted to go to a junior party you just went, but now you have to know someone there, and its anyone in any grade. It kinda annoyed me seeing as even if you are a higher classman you may not even have as many social interactions with kids your own age as a freshman who knows a junior friend and gets "hooked up". So its kinda retarded these days cus if you dont have a connection you have no real social life, which sucks major ass. Dunno if any of that was true but i wanted to write it down somewhere..

current mood: contemplative
current music: All American Rejects >> Your Star

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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
7:33 pm - WTF HE UPDATED OMFG
Hello Marcus,

A lot has happened these past few days. A new kid started at Sams, his name is Aaron. He's really cool cus he calls Hershel a bitch all the time and no one likes Hershel. We got our class rings on Friday, mine is big gold and sparkly...sooo shiney...*drools* What else...um, might be going to the eve 6 show on friday so thats fun! Kim and Brandon are going, but Jordan and Shawn are to, and maybe but...er rebecca. Didnt have time for band practice this week so thats a bummer. Oh yeah got in a car accident to! Me and west were on the highway and some guy slammed on the brakes and the car infront of us hit him, and then we hit her, it was craZzZzZzy.

Also I might be going to the Colonie Homecomming Dance, yes that is kind of wierd but it would give me a chance to actually HANG OUT WITH THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE 8 FRIGGEN WEEKS lol. Oh yeah my mom made brownies and they taste gud.

And a note on my love life...I dont actually have a crush or anything on a girl for once in like 2 years, its crazy but im single and im not brooding over it anymore so thats awesome go me! And I'm going to Broadway for English in October so thats gonna be cool. Oh yeah at Target last week there was a punk/emo girl that worked there and she was cute so i smiled at her and said hi and she blushed like woah. lol everytime i looked voer at her she smiled and looked away. And earlier that day we were at the playground hanging out and when we were walking home me and west walked past a girl that lives down his street and her friend. When they walked by I turned around to check her friend out and her friend was looking back checking me out already lol. fun stuff! cant think of anything else...cept I got an All American Rejects, Brand New, and the New Saves the Day Cds.

current mood: anxious
current music: Slow Coming Day >> Watching it Fall Apart

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Monday, September 22nd, 2003
3:24 pm - Hum
Not much happened worht saying as usual. Dull lives are not very interesting to read about. Oh well you'll just have to deal. We get out class rings this friday woo. Jennay has a b.f that she thought she wouldnt have so woooo! Hm what else...I had a really depressing dream. I was on death row for something, and i was only 2 hours away from being killed. The emotions i felt were overwhelming, like not being able to live out my life and to be helplessly slaughtered like a cow. Don't worry I did the smart thing and ran away only to be saved by the loud blare of my alarm clock. Sorry my entries havent been very interesting lately, im in sort of an emotional block right now, feeling emo is a drag.

Rebeccas cool tho she's like the only person i talk to about how i really feel and really the only person I talk to online, wow I sound like a loser. Oh well. Band practice was alright, tho Sean was having trouble keeping up with the drum roles. It was an off day for him. Nothing else is comming to mind, this was a waste of an entry...

current mood: crushed
current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm

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Saturday, September 20th, 2003
10:55 am - A quickie
Nothing really happened lately worth writing about but who cares. Went to a flea market and got some CD's...Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon, Smashing Pumpkins SiameseDream, and Eve 6 "Eve 6". Got an awesome Unwritten Law CD at hot topic yestrday and another dumb and dumber shirt. "I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog"

Consume my love, devour my hate
Only powers my escape
The moon is out the, stars invite
I think i'll leave tonight


current mood: blech
current music: Smashing Pumpkins - Rocket

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Thursday, September 18th, 2003
9:16 pm - Where do we go from here...
Today was alright. Same old day where I get nothing accomplished, nothing worth mentioning. So this will be a short update. Worked 5-9, and it kinda sucked. I say a couple in there mid 20's there getting out of their car, and when the woman smiled at her boyfriend of husband or w/e something happened to me inside. I just got this sickening feeling like an emptyness in my stomach. All I could think about was "why cant I have someone who smiles at me like that, why cant I have that" It was just a painful realization out of nowhere. It hurt even more bcuz in Autumn is when I get the most emotional, its like my "spring fever" except in fall. Its my favorite time of the year. The sunsets and leaves are beautiful...and the thought of being alone was just a knife in my heart...

current mood: groggy
current music: Coheed and Cambria >> A favor house atlantic

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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
4:34 pm - its been like a while like ..yeah
Hello Blurty, havent updated you in a while. I am truly sorry for that. The Saves the Day show was last sunday. I'll tell you how it was...The greatest day of my entire life. Jennay went with someone else but that was ok. The music made up for standing alone for most of the night. lol im not trying to put her through a guilt trip or anything it as ok. Saves the Day deff made the show for me. Most people said they sucked live, but they didnt make one mistake, man they rocked.

School's been dull lately as always. Nothing really happened worth mentioning. Im getting better at bass to, Don said I was learning a lot faster then he did so thats chill. I cant wait till we actually do a show. I got a new 27 inch tv for my room so thats sweetness x3. ooo and i got my cell phone to, the number is 281-7715 for any chiccas who want to hit my cell-unit up ;-)

I think I have to move onto a new love instrest. Everyone who I begin to come attached to some way or another gets taken away, oh well...I think I'm meant to be alone, and I rather would be then stay in short relationships that don't mean anything. In the words of Saves The Day:

"Besides, I'd rather forget the days we spent Than try to stay afloat in shallow water."


Hmm what else...well I can't think of anything at the moment. Maybe I will later

current mood: pessimistic
current music: alexisonfire >> 44. Caliber Love Letter

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Thursday, September 11th, 2003
4:29 pm - I was fucking bored ok?!
1.do you shave? Yes

2.what do you shave? My face u dolt

3.why? because I can

4.what colour is your razor? navy blue?

5.what size is your bed? oh you tease ;-)

6.do you like it? Nope

7.you're going on a date for a walk around the lake then a coffee at a cafe. what do you wear FROM your closet? Um, closet? Well I'd wear some stuff from my dresser, like my cargo pants and a t shirt and my various jewelry pieces, and my sunglasses

8.Would you go naked in a bathtub with a naked old man/woman with each of you having a bar of soap and soap each other till the bars of soap run out for a million dollars? If you have to ask that then you really don't know me

9.if you woke up one morning and found out you were going to stay in the body you have now for the rest of your life, what would you think? Undecided :-/

10. letter or e-mail? e-mail dudddde

11.of world war III broke out, what would you say? "honey, gimme my gun"

12.buttons or boxes? buttens you crazy mofo

13.which people do you trust and are open with the most? mostly myself

14.what's something a guy/girl will wear that'll turn you off? um...a shaved head?

15. what's something a guy/girl will wear that'll turn you on? its all in the hair

16. what do you think of soulmates? if you find yours go you

17.florida or cali? cali str8 up

18.is the world screwed? the out it bluntly, yes, very much so

19.is cussing a neccesity in life? No, but it sure is motherfucking fun!

20.what's an object you can't live without? Computer...

21.can you live without the microwave? Yes, cus we could just use the oven

22.You have this uh, erotic dream about your friend of the opp. sex. how do you act and feel around that friend the next day? Normal, but I may feel more attracted to them, depends on who it is

23.would you rather be rich with 15 spoiled brats or just barely making it with a dog? Do I have a g/f or a wife in either of those scenarios? But rich I guess...

24. how's your schoolwork for you right now? Doin ok, not as good as it has been

25.what's something someone's done to make you hold a grudge against them? Break my heart, think they were better then me, harassed me in some way

26.Favorite weather- The time between afternoon and dusk, when its sorta yellow out, and its nice and cool with a god sunset

27.what's one look trait that attracts you to a guy/girl? Hmm...I could be a guy and say the ass or the boobs, but actually I'd have to say the smile and eyes

28.what's one personality trait that attracts you to a guy/girl? not hate me?

29.do you know what 143 means? yeah...I love you...yur gay...er...festive!

30.whose phone number are you hoping to get? Sarah Michelle Gellar...hell yeah baby

31.describe melancholy, if you don't know, then skip this question: My life...the feeling that somethings missing but you can still live with it, even though it eats away at your happiness day by day

32.describe mellow- think jello

33.do you beleive in ghosts? I'd like to, but I know they arent real

34.what time did you sleep last night? 11:30 pm to like 6:10 am

35.which guy/girl do you wish to be with RIGHT now? i dunno, theres a few ppl i wouldnt mind hanging out with...maybe nicole, jennay, becca, and a few more

36.is it right to flirt if you have a bf/gf? Nah, thats like a bullet to the back of the head

37.would you rather be married in venice, italy, or honolulu, hawaii? venice, but if paris was an option then france

38.would you rather eat sandwiches or pasta for the rest of your life? sanwiches, i dunt like much pasta

39.(guys) how would you feel if you gave a girl a flower? kinda dorky, but if they liked it then id feel better

(girls) how would you feel if you got a flower from a guy?

40.do you want to drop school? ...No

41.what do you think of the words, "no pain, no gain"? your sadistic you fuck

42.what do you think of the quote "eyes are the passageways into the soul"? kinda, but so is the heart

43.What do you think of sleep? dont get enough of it

44.if you had the chance to slow down your growth now and live to 500 years but it's like a 50 year old body by then, would you go for it? yeah, but seeing all my friends and loved ones die would be very painful

45.at one point in a girl/guy friendship one of them will like each other even if it's only for a little bit. true or false? i'd say 50/50, sometimes i start to like a friend, sometimes i dont

46.Are you a procrastinator? is there anything better?

47.waffles or pancakes? waffles you psycho

48.how's your cereal in your bowl? ill cut you if you ask anymore questions like that

49.what's an annoying trait about you? no social life?

50.football or rugby? football

51. hat or visor? Hat.

52.ice skating or rollerblading? rollerblading yo

53.(guys) your gf has long beautiful hair which you love, she comes to school the next day with a short crop cut. what do you HONESTLY think? If it looks hot then i'll like it, but if i dont think it looks good, I'll say I like it anyway, but who cares if their hair changes, they are still my g/f

(girls) your bf has hair you love. he comes to school the next day with a shiny head. what do you HONESTLY think?

54.pizza or burgers? pizza alfred

55.what colour is your jacket? i wear no jacket fool

56.what's something you ALWAYS have on you? sunglasses B-)

57.what do you think of guys with nailpolishes? kinda gay but w/e floats yur boat

58.do you stay in bed thinking or do you fall alseep in 5 seconds? thinking...but it never gets me anywhere

59.would you rather go to a boarding school, private school, or an all girls or guys school? private, gotta have females duude

60.there's a high school that'll be on a cruise ship and you have the opportunity to go. it's your last year at school: nah

61. who do you want to take with you to the prom? better not answer that yet ;-)

62. your bf/gf gets drunk at a party. in their state of drunkness, they babble about that one time they fooled around with someone else while you were together. they wake up the next morning with a slight memory that did something stupid. what do you do? well, i'd be emotionaly crushed for like a week, but i'd act like nothing happened with a hint of depression...

63.is cyber sex considered cheating? no its considered nerdy

64.how do you react to change? i love change

65.are you happy? not really no

66.favorite berries- strawberry

67.what's one facial feature you'd like to change about yourself? nose

68.do you take a shower after a bath? no baths

69.what's colour's your towel? green or cream or white

70.what do you think of knuckle cracking? sometimes it bugs me

71.what was the last thing you cried over or got teary about? sometimes i think about how lonley i am when im in a depressed mood and it gets me a litte teary

72.chalk or crayons? Crayola u shit

73.how's you happiness level right now? -12

74. coffee, tea, or me? come on over to papa

75.wouldn't you just love to hug someone right now? no, im in a solitary mood

76.who was the last person who complimented you? sum1 said i was cute, but i dont think so

77.what's wrong with your school? i have no life?

78.do you know what an aphrodisiac is? something that messes u up?

79.who do you wish you could kiss? [censored]

80.movies at home on in a theater? thearter, BIGGER IS BETTTER

81.wanna live in a castle? oo yes with goats and knights and little jesters

82.isn't gondola a cool word? ...everytime you speak my hate for you grows

83.what coat do you wear in the winter? i wear hoodies

84.(girls)what's something about guys you don't get?

85.(guys) what's something about girls you don't get? Why they always fall in love with the jerk

86.who was better in rush hour/rush hour 2? I havent seen either of them and dont plan to

87.it someone said you were hot, what would you think? good one

88. you go to your bf/gf's house for the first time and in his/her room, and everywhere is... you. what do you think? shocked, but i love it

89.what happens when you hear the word christmas? *drool*

90.does being a psycho sound appealing? Im livin proof biatch, no give me back my coat

91.what food brings back good memories? school food

92.do you talk to yourself? yes i do, dont we?

93.sun or moon? Moon, i love the night

94.what's your opinion on love? it can be a train heading for disaster and heartbreak

95.what's a happy memory of a time you've spent with the opp. sex? um...cant think of one, thats so pathetic

96.would you rather go ballroom dancing or square dancing? square dancing

97.do you think you can afford to lose weight? maybe a little, but not much

98.if you could dye your hair any colour, what would you dye it? blue streaks maybe

99.what's the nicest thing any one has ever told you? im cute...yea thats as good as it gets

100.how was the survey? time consuming, but it served its purpose

current mood: grumpy
current music: further seems forever - pride war

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Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
9:12 pm - nothing to mention
You Are Beauty
You are Beauty.

You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the
outside, or both. People are drawn to you as
strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the
world around you.


What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


^That ones gotta be a mess up

current mood: emoish
current music: further seems forever - pride war

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Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
7:39 pm - My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
Hey kidos, whats up? Not much happened today really. School was same old, wasent too bad tho, it was koo like a zoo. After school was the best tho, me and west went crusing and visited like every local pet shop for no reason. Ferrets r awesome...they're like butta.

When we were at a stop light a guy pulled up next to us with his window down so I took west's cell phone and opened it like I was gonna talk and i started screaming "WTF TOM, THAT WAS 30 MILL DUETSCH MARKS YOU FUCKING IDIOT, 30 MILLION MOTHER FUCKING DUETSCH MARKS!!! NO TOM YOUR FUCKING DONE, FUCKING DONE!!! NO YOU ARENT, YOUR FUCKING FIRED YOU ASSHOLE, I DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOUR KID....30 MILLION...FUCK!!" you shoulda been there it was awesome. Oh yeah im getting my cell phone some time this week so thats chill like woah. Oh yeah um...im an emo slut!! woo!

Peace out girl scout ;-)

current mood: exhausted
current music: dashboard confessional - hands down

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