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Jason J.'s Journal
I would like everyone to know that i have progressed from lonely, to wise, so now
i will be Kamodosai, so heads up, change your freind list and dump the lonely mutha fucka,
because i have.
bushi
Loving and Loyal Samurai
Amen, I'm Alive! That is why I am here... To feel Happiness. To feel Courage. To feel on going Strength. To feel Protection of those I love and Care for. And so many things that I can't even begin to describe, but I am happy that I made it through all the trials of this life, to see what tomorrow will bring. This is why I continue to live for protection, this is why I continue to live for strength, and love, that I find in those who surround me on a daily basis. This feeling is why I have become happy with my life, and have realized the meaning of why I exsist, through all the bull shit that I have overcome. This is why I contine, this is why I am still here. No other reason but these.
Everything is changing, everything is progressing, and once I'm on a roll, it's all up hill from here. So watch out Mutha Fucka's because I'm coming and there aint no stoppin' me now! And I dare you fuckers to try, because if you do, ya might just lose your head...
I know brighter days are in my horizon because I can grab them, I don't just see them in my future they are here, and I am holding on to every single one of them as they come. Never to take anything for granted but to embrace every moment for what it is and embrace the truth of my life.
To All, remember I still love you, because you are the ones who kept me fighting everyday to feel the way I feel today. Thank you and to those who already know, there are no thanks needed, you just know.
*In the words of 'Jason, written by Seda*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a theme song now, it's something I am fighting for untill the day I die...
If Everyone Cared by: Nickelback
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you’d be mine
But here we are, we’re here tonight
Singing Amen, I’m alive
Singing Amen, I’m alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
And I’m singing
Amen I, I’m alive
Amen I, I’m alive
And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We’ll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along
Singing Amen I’m alive
Singing Amen I’m alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
We’d see the day, we’d see the day
When nobody died
We’d see the day, we’d see the day
When nobody died
We’d see the day when nobody died
Current mood: Couragous.
Current music: Nickelback *If Everyone Cared.
thru the conversations with two very important ppl. to me over the past few days
ive been reflecting myself, hidden in thought, and not so hidden as well.
i have also been digging in my soul, because the pain is too much
the pain of death is so hard for me it makes me stronger. it amplifies my
need to protect and it is a security of mine if ever i think my job is done or
if i need to continue no longer.because i will never be done, as long as i can
not stop people destroying people, then i will fight to protect all.
the path to protection is a deep, confusing, beautiful road to a place i
dont want to end up. to a place i am fighting to destroy. corruption, and destruction
i walk this path beacuse it is the only way to gain enough strength, both
mental and physical to destroy all corruption, all deveint minds, to stop
the pain of the world around us. but, my strength numbers more than one,
when the point of corruption hits my life, i will destroy this and will be
able to continue. in perfection.
the path to perfection ultimatly leads to death, but
i have a yearning, a feeling in my heart that tells me life and death are the
same, the diffrence is the transition. so
on my road to perfection, when i die, is when i will be perfect, and because i
die i will have destroyed the corruption within myself.
this will be a time when miricles start to happen.
but before this i have a full life ahead of me.
for i keep being told that i am only 20 years old.
and the two most important people to me know that i have
to have children, to save myself, and to continue this
ability, this choise of protection above all else.
i fear that my path pushes any chances to have children
away because of what i do. what i am.
i pray somebody will find the love that i give.
i pray she chooses to look past my life but to look
at my love instead. beacuse in this she will find a happiness
that we create. together.
to the people that keep me...... hold me.......this is the time
that i need you more than ever. to the people that love me....
show me.....because i love you unconditionally......to the people
that hate me.......fear me beacuse your time is coming very soon....
to the people that fear me.........dont, because i still love you.
Current mood: determined.
Current music: to make you feel my love...........................
as i look in your eyes
i remember the love
as i look in your eyes
i remember the hugs
when i look in your eyes
i know why im here
when i look in your eyes
i realize happiness is near
as i look in your eyes all i can think about is how happy you are, and how happy you will be, and i rejoyce because i no longer have to worry, i no longer have to fear, never will be a day when i dont protect you, but yesterday was the day when it was a choise, not a obligation within myself and thats what i long for, i choose to protect you, and now i feel one step closer to being complete. when one of the most important persons in my life, glows, shines, and sparkles, and it makes me feel that much better. when i look in your eyes, i start to understand this life.
Current mood: pleased.
look into my eyes - you will see
what you mean to me
search your heart - search your soul
and when you find me there you'll search no more
don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
you can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
you know it's true
everything i do - i do it for you
look into my heart - you will find
there's nothin' there to hide
take me as i am - take my life
i would give it all i would sacrifice
don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
i can't help it there's nothin' i want more
ya know it's true
everything i do - i do it for you
there's no love - like your love
and no other - could give more love
there's nowhere - unless you're there
all the time - all the way
don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
i can't help it there's nothin' i want more
i would fight for you - i'd lie for you
walk the wire for you - ya i'd die for you
ya know it's true
everything i do - i do it for you
Current music: everything i do, /brian adams.
Just stopped by to say what's up
Came to let you know
That your baby boy ain't doing so tough
And even though you passed
Going on four long years
Still waking up late at night crying tears
Just thinking about those days
You used to talk to me
Smilin' while I'm sippin' on this Hennesy
And remember we bragged on how rich we would be
To get up out this house was like a fantasy
I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish
........................................
I wish that I could hold you now
I wish that I could touch you now
I wish that I could talk to you
Be with you somehow
but...
I know you're in a better place
And you know I can see your face
I know you're smiling down on me
Saying everything's okay
And if I never leave this life of mine
I'll see you again someday
I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish
........................................
Voices in my head be telling me to come to church
Saying the Lord is the only way for you to stop the hurt
Dreaming of windows black tinted like a hurst
When waking up to life sometimes seems worst
And all I ever wanted is to be a better man
And I try to keep it real with my people now
For me to save the world I don't understand
How did I become the leader of a billion men?
I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish
Current mood: tired.
Current music: i wish/ R. kelly.
everybody has one. somewhere.
even though they might be blocked by
pain and disillusion.
today i found mine.
i used to say that i found happiness.
i was wrong. happiness is not found or given,
not taken or lost.
happiness is created and happiness can be destroyed.
nobody can give me happiness, be it thru things or thru love.
but.
i have been given a happithought.
i have a happithought in your happiness. be it little, temporary, big, eternal.
this, this is my happithougth. when you can smile, giggle, laugh, joke, ect.
from the heart, not from a painted on face, a cover up, a disguise.
but from the heart. this....this is my happithought. this gives me instant joy.
instant pleasure, if only for an instant.
so i wait for the day my happiness is created, by me or by somebody else,
hopefully together. but while i wait for a dream. i find comfort in knowing
that you are on your way to happiness. because in the end, thats what matters,
your happiness. it will always be your happiness, that matters the most to me.
regaurdless of how i feel, or what i want, or what i need, because the only thing
that i need to live, is to know that you are ok, to know that happiness is and always
will be a part of your life.once i know this, once you are truly happy.
then i must move forward. because my pain does not belong in the mind of
any special person, any person special to me. who is on their way tward happiness.
thats why im here. to help. to protect. to care. there are things i do to make you feel
worth. to make you feel important. to give you reasons to live. i do this thru helping
you. thru saving your life. and i do this thru letting you help me. letting you save me.
because when you save me, this is when you feel needed. when you feel important.
know this. i only do it because you need it. this obligation you feel to live. to help others.
i built on it. because i knew it would pull you up. pull you thru. so i made it obvious to
you that you have to help people. and here you are. i protected you.
this is all that matters.
i will always love you. I know that you dont beleive the explinations i have given you
for reasons of loving you. i know this because you never question, never talk about
it. and i know you. but i doubt you will ever know the true reasons behind why i love
you. but accept it. because
it will never change.
i love you. I LOVE YOU.
talk to me, ill be waiting. i rejoyce in your happiness.
living in fear
to move forward, move on, make a change.
fear of losing, of suceeding, of living.
fear of life, never living, only staying,
fear of death, too late, to soon.
fear of children, loving too many, not having any.
fear of love, loving someone else, am i loving or replacing?
fear of rejection, will i ever be accepted.
already am, but i am stuck here. not moving
fear of forgetting whats happend and remembering the rest.
fear of pushing away somebody who is helping me.
fear of failing somebody who saves me.
fear of never being good enough.....for them, her, and myself.
fear of regret, wondering if it would have been better, never knowing her.
i find myself stuck, in fear, here.
not wanting to move forward, afraid of losing everything that holds me together.
how can this be. how can i fear nothing outside of me, and everything inside of me.
samurai live with only two fears at all times in their life, the fear of truth,just,correct.
and the fear of worth.
of all the fears in me, these seem like they dont exist, or are they faded by whats in front of them.
to the one that gives me strength, i need you, i love you, i need you now more than ever.
1st step, realizing the problem, done.
now i feel overwhelmed again,
i have a demon inside of me, where is he, he is where my fears are being started,
i will need to gather strength to defeate this demon. i need your strength, i need you again
how can i ever help you?
dont tell me no,
i have to, or what i am, fails what i do.
call me a failure now, but your strength shines through
i am here, i am yours, i am samurai,
give me your time and strength and i will defeate it
i will be on the path to happiness once again
you got me there once, i need you again.
forever fighting pain
BUSHI
protection: i was unable to protect before, and i am unable to protect now.
fear: the fear of loving somebody again, then it being taken away from me. thrown in my face.
helpless: having no control over something i expected to have influence in. i fucked up.
torment: my mind giving up a vow because i care so much about one person. confused.
pain: when the person you care about the most in your life trys to end her life. am i worthless?
promise: broken to save her life. worth it.
god: why allow this torture to her. you've shown you have control.
love: gifted once again with a feeling of joy, estatic happiness, and wonder. threatend
support: was offered, countless times. unused.
samurai: to serve in the protection from ANY and ALL harm. to offer my life first and formost.
to live honorably to the master, and then oneself. protection above all else. failed.
demons: resufacing. past monsters trying to attack me now.
reason: now more than ever, to protect her, but, help her beable to continue, strive for life. necissary.
hers: working to find reason. obvious is me, but this doesnt count. storming.
meaning: i find mine in her, but does she accept that? want that? hoping.
hers: me. more. future. children. life. love with NO limitations. success. happiness, joy. comfort. devoted.
motivation: her, never leting her feel my pain, suffer as i, devistate her life. failed, still fighting, every second of every day.
hers: looking, either its not here at all, or what is here isnt helping. my failure.
destiny: helping her, caring for her, protecting her. embraced.
hers: so much more. beautifull.
truth: what am i worth? can i really help her? does she really want my help? am i pushing her away?
beauty: finding mine in the person she makes me be. the person i attempt to be every second of my life. awsome.
hers. inside and out. special. unique. tremendous. knowing the person she is, and the person she'll become. gorgous.
miricle: each and every day i wake up. only because she has pulled me through to be here, to believe what i
believe. and to support me in everything. i love that.
so confusing yea? tell me about it.
freinds,
please take the time to check out my updated bio,
it is a reflection on me at this moment in my life,
i have had a lot of good days and a couple bad nights,
this is my reflection regarding it,
i love you, sarah and derek, you both do for me more than youll ever know.
i must give credit where credit is due, and the creation of this samurai is
credited to both of you, each in your own way.
thankyou, i will always protect you.
your loving and loyal samurai