Blurty for ReN.

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Friday, November 5th, 2004

Time:6:21 pm.
Music:the used- noise and kisses.
the boy...
his name is chris..
he makes me smile.

he plays lacrosse....
he's very sweet to me...
he went to the trouble to get my s/n to talk..
we're seeing a movie tomorrow if i get ungrounded.

he has a goofy smile....
it kind of makes my day...
he walked me to spanish class..
hes the first boy that didnt start off with liking me just cause of looks.

i can see myself with him....
i can see myself falling for him...
i can see him caring about me and being there for me..
he gives me this nervous shy feeling that makes me want to run away.
::but it feels good at the same time::

i just hope he feels the same way...
he seems to..
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Sunday, October 31st, 2004

Subject:i took the link off the profile for a reason.
Time:1:05 pm.
Mood: pensive.
Music:yesterday's feelings.
Dear JLS--
there's so many things i wish i could say to you now. you were the first person that my feelings exceeded the normal "i 'like like' you" towards. our roller coster of emotions was quite horrifying at times. you made me feel extreme lows, but also extreme highs. you were the first guy to want to have something serious. love was such a scary word. it still is. through our break ups and getting back togethers i never felt so strongly. every word meant so much. your power over my feelings amazed me. i know i blamed you for everything that went wrong. i still do that now. i'm sorry. sometimes i wonder if you hadn't moved if we'd be on one of our many breaks, or one of our many togethers. or at the point in between where we're on the phone for two hours and all of the sudden i said something random that made you realize that you cared about me, that you loved me. and we would date again. that always made me feel so wonderful. i could say one thing, and you would realize you love me for that one thing. i lost my knack for that, i think it only works with you. i'm sorry i got scared after our last night together. i'm sorry i pushed you away. you opened new doors for me in so many ways. you taught me that i am "gorgeous" in my own way. my differences were beautiful. you made me comfortable in my own skin. and even though we went through pain and difficulties you made me not scared to love someone again. you made me feel what it was like to be hurt, you taught me how to hurt. nothing's been the same since you went away. i didnt think a few hundred miles would make a difference. but there's countless differences now. my sweet italian boy, L'amo.
yours truly,

p.s. you are the one and only boy to ever ride your bike across town just to tell me you loved for the first time to my face through my bedroom window. and almost get killed doing it.

Dear RMG--
you were the asshole on the string of people i cared about. why did i want you so badly? why did i waste so many feelings on you? i fell for you so quickly. i was a freshman, you were a senior. i thought you'd be more mature than the boys my age. i thought you'd be able to give me everything i needed. could i have been more wrong? its funny now, what you've turned into. we rushed ourselves into deep feelings and rushed ourselves out the same way. you sunk to the all time low. was it a must to be with one of my good friends? that cut is still fresh in my mind. it wasnt all your fault. ill give you that. but you set it off. for all the months i wasted being upset about you. i had one week of being happy with you. i was the naive one. thank you for helping me realize that i cant trust everybody. it helped me grow up.

Dear SZFF--
always saying what you think. you are the most outspoken person i know. but you didnt care. you couldnt have cared any less. i admire that in you. you did what you thought was right, believed in what you thought was what you should believe in. that was great. we had so many things in common, i havnt found some things that we have in common in anyone else ever. i probably never will. you were there when i needed you. you called me every night without fail. and not because you had to, because you wanted to. you told me that one time when i told you that i felt that we were falling apart. its true, you always were there. or you appeared to be. you were attracted to me because i didnt care. i was "chill" about stuff, just pretty laid back. unfortunately that wasnt really the true me. it was a side of me that hadnt come out until i met you, you just gave me that attitude towards life. but then the rest of me started coming out as time went on, it wasnt as nice was it? im so sorry that it didnt work out. it makes me sad sometimes because i did have fun with you over the summer. when i actually showed emotion it scared you sometimes. ive always wondered why. i know you've told me millions of times how emotionally cold you are. i guess i thought i could warm you up. i thought id be the different one for you. but i wasnt. i guess it just wasnt meant to be and thats okay. things got "monotonous" because unfortunately for everything we had in common, what we liked to do when we went out or hung out wasnt one of them. we couldnt just sit in my basement or on your bed for the rest of our lives could we? your the first mutual breakup ive ever been in. i thought they werent supposed to hurt, i didnt expect us breaking up to hurt me, but i miss you very much. we didnt really have that much bad in our relationship which im thankful for. we got out of it before it could reach a bad point.. that was smart. honestly i will admit something to you, ive been feeling guilty for a month or so. i may have known my feelings would push you away. i was right. ill always remember not to get any bit tipsy around you, for things seem to slip out easily. like...that stupid night youll never let me forget! and of course, when i called you and we finally ended it. you were amazing to me and i wish i didnt feel so wierd talking to you now, i wish we could be the friends i know we had the makings to be. i kind of tried that, but you know how that ended up....with our last phone conversation. my music will always rule over yours.. =)
keep in touch,

p.s. if you ever figure out your password to your voicemail, you'll smile when you hear some of the things i left you back then..haha

Dear JLC--
we'll look back on this in years and laugh right? the big question is will we be laughing together or apart. i know i made a lot of mistakes throughout these 7 months. i'm truly sorry for them. but there's a reason for everything and i dont regret them. i think if we end up together again we'll atleast be stronger from all we've been through. but i also think its going to be hard for us to end up together again. i thank you for getting over everything so easily. that is a wonderful trait of yours, i admire and envy it. however it isnt a trait i have. the fact you gave up someone who was giving you everything for someone who wasnt even coming close to doing that is sickining. i feel that ill never be good enough now. ironic. i always thought i was perfect for you. your lack of emotion kills. why wont you be upset, why wont you be angry, why wont you be jelous? it proves to me that you care. you used to be all those things. not anymore. i know ive changed, but i know you have changed also. so much that it hurts to think about it. honestly all i want, what i want so bad that its painful is for things to be back to the way they were at the beginning. you were such a good boyfriend then. you were everything. i was everything. why did you change that. why did you tear yourself out of part of my life and leave a blank for me to let someone else in? that was your biggest mistake, because i did let someone else in. you made me feel rejected. i didnt understand how your feelings, emotions towards me, everything, could have changed like that. the granted you take me for now makes me cry sometimes. you may not realize that everything you say has an effect. whether you say it to me or to someone else. even what you dont say hurts... and you let her in like i let him in. but i let him completely go and you arent letting her completely go. i am so angry at you for that night. my head hurts and i see flashes sometimes when i think about it because of the hate that boils inside of me. hate for you. how could i ever hate you? i guess now i know. i hate her too. i hate you for not hating her. i hate this. i cant finish this letter....i cant finish us
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Thursday, October 28th, 2004

Subject:oh yes i forgot
Time:4:49 pm.
Mood: quixotic.
Music:daddy's little defect..?.
so.. it was yesterday

i was walking up the steps from my locker to my 1st period...
and he was coming in through the doors from the junior parking lot.

it was hot.

he smiles at me in the hall now.

i get what i want.
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Subject:sickk todaayy
Time:4:27 pm.
Mood: morose.
Music:the used - im a fake.
not sure what to say.

i think im going to tell him this weekend.

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Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

Subject:report cards
Time:6:18 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:emery.......not sure what song.
ehh school sucks. i did well in everything except math. but throughout all those pretty grades and comments the math one just ruins the whole thing. ..and you know it just doesnt meet my parents "expectations" so if i dont write for a is because i dont have a computer in my room anymore. =( tuesday is parent/teacher conference day and my math teacher requested one..which = more trouble for me. soo not cool. this weekend is halloween. eek fun! Liv came over and re-dyed my hair looks pretty per usual. brown really is better than blonde. i really dont like him that much and i feel bad about it. but honestly its his fault so oh well.
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Monday, October 25th, 2004

Subject:happy monday
Time:7:15 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:dashboard - bend and not break.
today in government class i couldnt get my mind off how mad i am at you. for some reason all these hostile feelings rushed into my head towards you. i'm glad she's gone but she was there. your mistake. people make mistakes but yours was rude and hurtful and self centered and pathetic. therefore i am angry. do you realize most people get up and run after the person who they really want. i left and you stayed in there. perfectly content. oh yeah, she's nothing. whatever. if she was gone then you wouldnt have done that a day before you decided she was. you hurt me. and you act like you havnt done anything wrong. you havnt even said your sorry for it. and i bet now you will but save your breathe because it wouldnt be genuine and i dont accept fakes. yeah maybe someday we'd be together. but maybe we wont. maybe ill never be able to get over this. i already tried to give you everything i had, and that wasnt enough for you. why should i keep trying. i mean honestly, do you deserve it? i dont trust you and i cant help it. there arent many people i should trust, and i still feel like i dont know you well enough to just you. that used to frustrate you, does it still? or do you understand now. you probably dont. you always had a tough time understanding me towards the end, and now its the ... well what is it? the end's already happened. so what is now? the beginning again? there's already been a beginning too. this is when i think its good to be with someone you dont have a past with. nothing to look back on and feel hurt, nothing to worry about, think about, nothing to compare things too. "it wasnt as good as the beginning" "its not as bad as the end" ......what do i do.
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Sunday, October 24th, 2004

Subject:frozen spoons
Time:6:52 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
Music:atreyu - tulips are better.
wow. if homecoming could have gotten any worse it would have only been for someone to die. ironicly the reason it sucked was not for any of the reasons i even let my imagination wonder to. definately a night i dont want to remember. ever. but we have pictures.

it figures the minute im finally through with him he realizes he was wrong. sure, as there always will be there's a part of me that feels bad and wants to be with him. but there's a bigger part of me that knows better. i guess we'll see what happens but right now, im content by myself. right now, i dont need him. and i'm happier like this. but it just figures something big and dreadful would happen to make your true feelings come out. eff fate. i'm doing my own thing.

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Saturday, October 23rd, 2004

Time:10:43 am.
Mood: content.
Music:blondie- call me.
i love shows. i love music. i love how people are trying to make something out of their music. i respect them for that. however i dont understand how "scene" people say they dont judge. they are the most judgemental people i know. they look at how everyone is dressed, who they are talking to, what they are doing and make judgements on whether or not their cool enough to be in the scene or whatever. if you like the music you go. whether you're wearing a paper bag and talking to joseph stalin. anyways..the music was really pretty good, i liked motion picture demise a lot. savannah savior did pretty good too..thats corey's band, and corey's going out with olivia. its so cute. yay. i didnt stay for the whole thing cause i had to get home and get olivia home. but thats okay, phillip might come to stine's later tonight. tonight is homecoming. ever since last year when homecoming sucked i hoped id have fun this homecoming, but i think it will suck worse. every plan has fallen apart and im not going to have as much fun as i would have if certain things hadnt changed. i actually planned on going to homecoming with sam. so this is way different. oh well. maybe NEXT YEAR. by my senior year i will hate formal dances. jesus christ something always happens. it is so wierd when the person you thought u really wanted and needed you look at for real and realize you made yourself think that. and you dont need them. its kind of depressing at the same time though cause you wasted all this time convincing yourself they were a certain person, a certain person that doesnt exist. oh well..i guess its cool now. atleast i realize the truth. sometimes its hardest to let go of the person you thought u loved. even if they changed into someone you dont love at all, you dont even like much. just cause u know even if u got them back you wouldnt be getting back who they were ever. its kind of like the person you loved died. you will never see or talk to them again. thats exactly how it is. but..i've mourned this death enough by now. i'm in the moving on stage. ill go through my few assholes, and my few rocky relationships, then ill find a perfect one again, hopefully he wont die.
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Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Time:8:50 pm.
Mood: blah.
i feel like shit today. i wish i could have things the way i wanted them.

and i wish you didnt take me for granted.

thats it for today.

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Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

Subject:hump day
Time:6:36 pm.
Music:motion city soundtrack - sunday warning.
christine came home with me today. she's coming again tomorrow. wooh. although i guess its not so exciting since she comes home with me every other day .. oh well. we went to yoga. hells yea. im kind of sore now though. we also baked cookies. chocolate chip =) big and chewy <3 the best. last night i was trying to go to sleep and in the process i decided to create my dream guy. unfortunately when i was done i realized a guy that would act like that wasnt possible. cause no guys are perfect. ehh.. oh well. friday is the show. i'm kind of excited. i love the atmosphere at shows. it makes me happy. homecoming is the next day.. i have dance class right before my hair appointment and so ill leave early. and my instructor is a complete she'll be mad. but she can eat it.....EAT IT LIKE A FAT KID EATS AN ICE CREAM SANDWICH -haha laur*- anyways... i hope kerry wins the election. no offense to the bush lovers. but it would really make the home life happier since my rents are so into politics, like die-hard democrats. its an issue when republicans are in office. i misss my mattthewww brannnnnnd =( makes me kinda sad that he moved to a different school. but he doesnt like it much so hopefully he'll come back next year. i could have my mattie back!!! <---random. anyways i have vocabulary and government test tomorrow..effff. i definately spend like an hour trying to put on those retarded bra thingys u wear with formal dresses. you know the ones you have to stick directly to your boobs that are all gel-like. yeah completely gay. i couldnt get them to work correctly. god help me. oh well.............................SHEET im tired. i definately failed algebra 2 for my report card. JOY! so in complete shit. so im just goin to live up until my rents find out. =( after that i'm social-life-less. maybe that will be good for me though who knows. this will be the first bad grade ill ever get on my report card. i feel so completely stupid. but im not really, i just am ADD and stressed and ...cant concentrate...........or anything.....ever.........and dont like math either so blahhhhhhhh. history and writing are more my things. math and science can kiss it. anyways....i miss summer. everything seemed to be pretty good then.
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Tuesday, October 19th, 2004

Subject:i was a guy today
Time:4:55 pm.
Mood: pensive.
Music:across five aprils - blue eyed suicide.
today was twin day for spirit week. i was part of triplets however. christine and lauren meredith and i all dressed up like guys. we pulled it off pretty well. we wore guys shorts and hooters shirts. cause we're cool. a few guys told me i looked hot like that. it was wierd though cause i looked like a guy and they said that.

anyway we got out two hours early and i came home and slept. i love sleeping. if anything bad ever happens you can go to sleep and during that time you forget about it. of course u have to be rudely awoken by the fact that your life sucks when you wake up but otherwise sleep is pretty cool.

i completely bombed my algebra test. it wasnt such a good thing. but what can you do? nothing now... oh well. christine's dad is taking her and i to the show friday and drew is taking us home. which is pretty good since i didnt want to ride with a complete asshole anyway. my mom wants me to start doing laundrey. that should be enjoyable. not. my sister has been yeling and screaming and slamming doors all afternoon. it is sooooooooooooooooo annoying. i wish she'd stop being a little princess and get over it.

i got a really cool shirt/dress thing to wear over jeans today from urban outfitters. its pink and its pretty! i also got a matchbook romance/motion city soundtrack cd. i feel kind of rejuvinated because i was thinking today and i realized that some of the people i think i need i really dont need. at all. and i was just being dependent on them for no reason. pathetic really, but im glad i realized it. after homecoming, i'm free. im sure they'll be glad to be free too.

maybe ill write later.............................if anything entertaining happens
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Time:1:47 pm.
Mood: calm.
Music:emery - as your voice fades.
i am so emo...

how rediculous.
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Monday, October 18th, 2004

Subject:surfing contact
Time:10:33 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:torn natalie imbruglia.
when i get new glasses i'm so losing the contacts.

anyways. tomorrow stine, laur, and i are dressing up as guys for twin day .. i guess we're more of triplets though. oh well! there's a show this friday, i wanted to go to it instead of going to our homecoming football game. but that may not happen.

okay. why dont you think about anyone besides yourself? or maybe you do, maybe you think about her, or your "friends". but you certainly dont think about me, and i thought i meant more than her, and i'm just as much your "friend". but you never think about my feelings. what your actions could do to me. you tear me apart sometimes. it makes me so upset. so sad. why do you do it? do you think i dont have feelings? you used to always get at me for not thinking before i spoke, that i was always saying things to hurt you. well now your the one hurting me and i'm always making you feel good unless i do something like this. and call you out on treating me like this. but then you get frustrated with me for your mistakes. why do you do that? why cant you atleast think about me? you used to. no everything has changed. because it used to be any moment you had where you would be able to spend time with me you'd grab and enjoy it all. now its like you dont even want to be around me at all. you make me feel so bad about myself and i do everything i can to make you happy with yourself. its just not fair and im so tired of it. make up your mind on the way you want things to be. and realize with both choices you have things you have to do. you decide to treat me like crap i am so totally gone. and you think that ill come back to you. no. i wont let you treat me like this anymore. im so tired of feeling bad because of you. i want and will find someone who cares about me and will make me happy and it may take a while but i will be happy to wait for something like that. and if you want to be with me then think about me, treat me well, acommidate to my needs as well as yours. ive been understanding, i want you to be happy too. but you dont seem to want me to be. get over yourself. you also dont seem to realize that i was the first girl to look past everything about you into something good. you will never find someone like that. you hadnt. you havnt. but ive found people who care about me. so if this is how your going to continue being. fuck you.

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Subject:headache and dr. zhivago
Time:9:37 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music:ashlee simpson .. im a dork man.
god damn.

watching a 3 hour and 20 minute movie on the russian revolution with christine was one of the highlights of my night. you know in a movie a girl who sleeps around with 3 guys is still respected and shes gorgeous and you somehow feel sorry for her cause every time she gets her heart completely broken. then you feel sorry for all the men's wives. if i could choose i'd be the pretty girl whos a whore. i'd hate to have to be the wife.

another fun thing in my day! i got to go to the doctors office. whoo hoo annual physical. they pricked my finger and my mom wouldnt kiss it cause she's a loser. christine did though. it made it feel a lot better.

in approximately 17 minutes john is coming over after work to give me his pants.

ill write more in a few minutes.
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Sunday, October 17th, 2004

Subject:i boycott a subject for the night.
Time:9:26 pm.
okay. one more thing.

i wish i didnt care about anything.

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Subject:for all the thickheaded people in the world
Time:8:04 pm.
man. i am so tired. now. you would think that if you wanted to have a relationship with someone you wouldnt put someone you had a relationship with in the past out for everyone to see your still talking to them. including the person you wanted to have a relationship with. that is a cause of disaster. if you didnt realize that you should start using your head. its not that hard. next time i'll put someone from my past up for everyone to see. then you'd call me a bitch. but i dont care anymore. mostly because your not worth it.

do you ever feel like you finally found a person you can be close to. and then you have another person your super close to and you think its the best thing in the world having two people there for you. and then they get along and thats even better so you can all hang out together. then all of the sudden you see them hanging out. but you arent there.

sometimes i think parents are the best friends you will ever have. not because i particularly love the authority they have over my life. but because. when you think about it. you could piss off just about everyone else in the world and they would hate you. but you piss off your parents frequently and they still love you. you could insult people to pieces and they wouldnt speak to you again. but your parents would. the whole school could talk about what a slut, dork, loser, bitch you are, but your parents dont. your parents will not steal your boyfriend. your parents will be there to pick you up from jail. your parents give you money. your parents forgive you. your parents give you what you need. and even though you cant tell your parents everything, or pretty much anything, and even though you feel completely uncomfortable if you accidentally start crying infront of them, atleast their always around incase you need it. i look back at everything ive said to my parents, and think about everything theyve done for me. and it makes me feel like a pretty bad person. maybe i should start being more thankful.

homecoming is this weekend.

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Blurty for ReN.

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