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Monday, October 13th, 2003
11:06 pm - Exhausted to the MAX!!!!
Alrighty...I'm suppose to be writing and finishing up my essay for English 203, which is due tomorrow, but I'm so lazy! I'm so not in the mood to be writing up an essay right now. I HATE ENGLISH! Ugh...It's enough that I had to read Hamlet for the third time, but NO! I have to write the third essay about Hamlet's immaturity for his age! Grrr....I know, 4-6 pages ain't that bad considering it's a college class but I just don't like writing essays.

ANYWAYS....I guess I'm super cranky right now 'cause I didn't get that much sleep. Heck, I even missed my philosophy class this morning. I got home last night (or should I say this morning) at about 1:30 a.m. Why? 'Cause I went downtown at 4th & B and saw the Mya concert. It was such a blast! She is extremely talented and much props to you girlie. She really sang and danced her ass off. Me and my girlfriends were in the front row (we were right behind the guard rails they put just in front of the stage) and I can't even count how many times she sat and sing in front of us. IT WAS SO AWESOME! We even waited an hour and a half to get our stuff signed...good thing we toughed it up 'cause it was worth the wait. She is so sweet! Oh yeah, her opening act was super good too! His name's Javier and man can the boy sing! Not only can he sing well, he also plays the guitar and piano...pretty talented guy! I got his autograph too!

Welps, I guess I better get goin and get my ass to sit down and finish this shit up. Lates then and I'll have more about my downtown rendevouz in my next post.

current mood: aggravated
current music: Never Let You Go by Faith Evans

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Sunday, October 12th, 2003
1:13 am - Weird...
So...I'm at a new point in my life right now. Just wanna turn things around and for once do the right thing for myself. For some reason, I always end up being in a situation that's not good for me. I know there's a lot that's changed in me, but I just don't want to end up regretting anything anymore. I'm so hoping that next year will be a better year for me.

Well, my birthday is nearing...and I can really tell that this will be the best birthday yet for me. The fact that I'll be goin go Las Vegas with my sis, her bf, and some friends will be awesome enough. I know I'll have tons of fun once we get there. I really don't wanna sleep once we get there...I just want to experience everything!

Halloween's nearing too! I still don't know what my costume will be or even if I'll be going to any costume parties. I was thinking of being Anhaksunamhun (spelling?) from The Mummy or Trinity from The Matrix or Samara from The Ring. If I get the chance to go to one of those costume parties, I just wanna pick the best costume that may win me 10 Gs.

Anyways....all the juicy details about what other stuff that's been going on with me will be posted some other time...gotta get some beauty sleep now....

current mood: awake
current music: Love Song Medley that Melvin gave to me...

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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
12:01 am - Not Fair!
Why does he have to put everything on me? It's just not fair...I tried to leave it at a good point and he puts all this pressure on me? That is so unnecessary. He's starting to scare me just because the fact that I really do think he'll do something that will hurt himself. Why does he have to say that? I tried to be civilize about everything...he can't do this to me. I don't think I'll be able to live with myself if something horrible happens to him.

I admit that after our 1 year anniversary that everything just kinda drained down...it wasn't the same anymore. I didn't text or call him and neither did he do the same for me. It was like everything was taken for granted...in his part at least. Me? I just got fed up with him making me feel guilty for not texting him everyday or calling him when he wants me to. How come he can't return the favor? That's why I've given up...As much as I want it to work out, I just can't be with a guy who can't make sacrifices for me. I've done so much to make it work, but I can't do it alone. I mean, aren't all these reasons rational enough? I don't think i'm being superficial or unrealistic with my demands. I did everything I can...but I've exasperated all my resources for him...I just can't live like that anymore.

And so now he tells me he won't let me go...But who is he to say that? It's my decision and I stand up to what I told him...IT'S OVER. I just want to be happy....that's all.

current music: My fan's clicky noises

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Sunday, October 5th, 2003
11:19 pm - Because I'm Free
I feel like there's a whole lotta load has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so FREE. He still doesn't get it that it's so over, but I feel like I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I didn't expect for me to feel so calm about this break-up. I'm just glad I'm feeling happier now.

So, last Friday we had our surprise birthday party for my sis. I can't believe how unbelievably clueless she was about the whole thing. We've been planning it for a whole week, and it totally paid off! Well, talk about being on time, Anoop picked me up at exactly 4 p.m. Thank goodness I woke up 30 minutes before and got ready or else I would've had him waiting forever. The surprise party wasn't till 6:30 p.m. but I thought since it's Friday, there'll be massive traffic both northbound and southbound. But boy was I wrong! Southband traffic was just flowing smoothly so we got to Clairemont Mesa at 4:30...2 hours way too early! Good thing Tapioca Express was there, so me and Anoop grabbed ourselves some Cookies and Cream Boba. After talking and all, we went to the karaoke place and much to my surprise they were closed! The business hours said 4 p.m. to 4 a.m. but it was already 5:45 p.m. and no one was there. I got worried 'cause then what kind of surprise would that be? Thank god she got there 10 minutes after and everything was all good. Then Rex called me up and wanted to see me so he stopped by to give me a hug and say hello. At that point, my sis and Mike pulled up on the parking lot and my sis thought she had caught me dating my bestfriend! Anyways, Will and Kathy showed up too and we got to our private room and had a blast! Melvin came 10 minutes later with the cake...I got friggin sugar high from it! Why? Well, I was only running on an hour and a half of sleep with just one cup pf hot chocolate and no real food...go figure! My sis had tons of fun and she said we got her good...Mission Accomplished.

Since I'm single again, I'm just excited going on dates and meeting new people. I don't think I'll enter another serious relationship anytime soon. I'm just happy dating and let's just leave it at that. Oh yeah, I might go see Mya's concert on Sunday at 4th and B in downtown with my girlfriends...hope it'll be a blast! In two weeks I'll be walking around in Vegas and shakin my tailfeather...I so can't wait!

current mood: cheerful
current music: I Will Love Again by Lara Fabian

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Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
10:46 pm - Friggin School....
I'm SO hating school right now! ARGH! I'm sick of doing homework and studying all the freakin time...Man, I really need a break. Anyways...I'm gonna do some complaining and why? because I can...

I should be doing my take-home exam for my philosophy class...I got it last Friday and I still haven't gotten around to doing it. Bad thing is that it's due on Friday and I don't know jack-shit about what's on it. Haven't even read the book since uhmm...about 2 weeks ago. And 3 essays to answer? Damn...I'd rather have in-school tests than this type of shit. I so HATE philosophy...I'd probably enjoy it if the teacher didn't suck and not as boring as my prof. In addition to that, I gotta write an essay for Dance due on Friday too! C'mon dude! It's dance for goodness sakes...can't we just, uhmmm...dance maybe? Seriously, I just wanna perform...not give so much thought about crap I don't care about. Then there's my English class...got a rough draft due early next week! Another 4-6 page essay...And this is the 3rd time I'm reading Hamlet! UGH! Ok, I like Shakespeare but reading one of his plays for the 3rd time is enough for me. I'm sick of Hamlet's whining anyways...Then there's also another paper due for Dance in about 3-4 weeks. A 5-7 page essay about a very specific topic...and stupid me had to go on and pick a topic that doesn't have much resources about it. I'm really digging myself into a hole here...Sorry about all this complaints...it's gotta come out some time.

I can't wait to transfer to a University or Cal State here. So eager to see fresh faces and meet new people. So, this is what I've decided on: screw accounting, I'm changing my major to Physical Therapy. I haven't really given much thought about my minor just yet...But, I know it'll be cool doing PT and plus, getting into sports medicine would be the most awesome thing! Here's a list of colleges I'm keeping in mind:

1. University of Souther California (USC)
2. California State University at Long Beach (CSULB)
3. University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV)
4. California State University, Northridge
5. University of Florida
6. University of Miami
7. Northwestern University
8. University of Illinois at Chicago

So far that's all I have...the parental units wants me to stay close to home so I'll probably go see a counselor to explore my options here in San Diego. Thinking about that now, I think I'll minor in massage therapy...sound good to me...hmm...

Welps, speaking of Las Vegas...My sis, her bf, me, and 2 of our guy friends will be going there on Oct. 24th to celebrate me and my sister's birthday. I can't wait! I need to get away from the real world, even if it's just for 3 days...it's good enough for me. It'll be my first time going there so hopefully it'll be a good experience.

Okay, now about guys...I really can't figure them out. My mom was talking to my uncle there in PI and he had informed me that he thinks my guy and his best friend are going out. That really sucked. I mean, our break up wasn't official yet, but for him to do something like that? Fine. Whatever. So I went ahead and texted him (I wasn't about to call him up and waste $10 on him) and told him that it's over...that it wasn't working out anymore and we should go our separate ways. And the boy had the nerve to get all pissy at me? PLEASE! If anything, I should be the one who's pissed off. I still haven't talked to him over the phone and frankly, I don't think I'll ever call him...EVER. I'm just done being all giving and sticking it up. If it ain't working now, then it ain't never gonna work out. So, that's another chapter in my life I'm closing...I just hope the next one will be a HELLA lot better.

I guess that's it for my rantings...I'll probably complaine some more the following weeks as all my exams and essay due dates approach. Til then...

current mood: annoyed
current music: Let's Get Down by Bow Wow

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Monday, September 29th, 2003
10:29 pm - Eto Na Naman...
Geez....ang tagal ko ng nawala ah. Man, I really have to remind myself that my blurty still exists...Anyways...

I've been busy with school and well, life's quirks. There's been a zillion things in my mind lately that I felt like i couldn't take it anymore. It hasn't happened for a really long time, but just recently I felt like giving up again. I can't believe how much he has changed me. Even all my friends here say that I've changed....A LOT. I mean, I guess it's not such a bad thing that he's changed me. I'm a lot more mellow and emotional...but then the old me just got lost somewhere in the process of me falling head over heels for him. The old Michele was strong, could care less about what people say about her, and best of all, said what's really in her mind. Then there's me...always saying sorry to everyone, feeling like everything is my fault. I'm afraid to say what I'm feeling inside, I just don't want to be judged so harshly. I guess I'm just afraid of not being accepted.

I haven't talked to him for almost a month now. It'll be our 13th month anniversary soon...and I haven't even texted him once. I've just come to realize that it's not fair...not fair to me...I don't mean to sound selfish, but with the circumstances surrounding me, I don't think I should feel guilty feeling like this. All along I felt like I'm the only one making it work. I can see now that I deserve so much better. Staying with him have been slowly eating me up inside, and what really hurts is that I've given him my all...and he only returned it in half. Sometimes I think that it's me who has the problem. Maybe I just give way too much and in return kinda strangles him a bit. But that's who I am, when I commit myself to someone, I don't do it in parts. If I really care and love the person, I just pour out all the love that I have for him. I have yet to meet a guy who will do the same for me. I really hope there's someone out there for me who feels exactly the same way.

Sometimes I can't even sleep at night...I feel like I've been fooling myself to thinking that if I try really hard that it'll work out in the end. But who am I kidding, right? These guys just don't know...I have so much to offer...so much to give...but they just take and take and never return the favor.

I know...I know...I'm being all freakin sappy again. I'm really sorry. It's therapeutic for me to just pour it out here, so please bear with me. Thanks.

Sarah...I really miss talking to you girlie. Thanks so much for all the support you've offered and still offering to me. I promise I'll e-mail you soon and let you in on what's been busting my chops. I hope everything with you is still great. Can't wait to catch ya and chat with you soon. Ingat ka palagi ha.

So...sa susunod na lang ulit....

current mood: okay
current music: Only You (The Prelude) by Side A

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Monday, September 22nd, 2003
12:05 am - Oh My....
*big sigh* I'm so scared...I think something's happened and I'm so not ready for this.

I'm not sure...I just hope it's not for real...gosh...I really don't know what to do.

I have this feeling...but then again I don't...Man, I just don't know what to think anymore.

I know I'm not making any sense right now...I just wish I can tell someone....I need help, advice, anything really....I'm lost.

How can I let this happen? I should have known....I should have known....

Damn it mich...why can't you use your head once in a while???? Just when it's so freakin important...

I gotta get through this...I have to...I must.

Gotta go...sorry if this entry is so weird...hopefully it'll be cleared up by this weekend...hopefully...

current mood: worried
current music: Extraordinary by Liz Phair

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Sunday, September 14th, 2003
12:00 am - Fallen?
*sigh* Rex...

Just like what we said to each other...I'm always here no matter what.

Even if things seem a little shady...I know why. We're both in a weird situation...but I know either way, things will work out for the better for both of us....be it together or not, you know how I feel...

current mood: contemplative
current music: Filthy by Stephen Speaks

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Friday, September 12th, 2003
6:01 pm - Wow....
Man...I haven't had such a good day like this for a long-ass time...wow...LoL. I sound weird huh? It's just that there's so much freakin drama in my life these past few months, but I'm just enjoying what me and my best friend have. I'm so glad he's still here for me...we've been through everything together and still he loves me for who I am. He's the only one who really knows me inside and out...I mean, he knows me a hell of a lot better than my parents! I just feel so comfortable around him...he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Well, other than my family and relatives, he's the only friend I have that's truly shown me that he has unconditional love for me. I can't believe I didn't see what was in front of me five years ago...but I'm glad our relationship now is stronger than ever. I feel like he's my soulmate. He feels the same way about me too. But just like we agreed, we'll take things one step at a time...whatever happens, happens. But no matter what, we'll be friends for life.

current mood: grateful
current music: Why Can't I by Liz Phair

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Sunday, September 7th, 2003
12:27 am - I'm Baaaaaaaaack!
Sheesh! I've been gone for so freakin long! School and job-hunting really took up a lot of my time that I even forgot I still have a blurty! Anyways...

School Started for me last August 25th. It was weird having classes at the main campus again since I went to the EC Center last sem. I'm just glad it's there though 'cause I'm a lot closer to home...hehe. Welps, I'm taking up these 6 classes this sem: Philosophy 101, English 203, Dance 100, PE 112 (Yoga), Dance 170 (Pilates), and Music 175 (Beg. Guitar). Not bad at all considering that most of it are no-brainers. Thank goodness my load this sem wasn't as bad as my previous ones...I'm almost done with the required credits that's why I can more relaxing classes. What really surprised me though was my Dance 100 class. I thought we'd be spending our whole class time in the studio, but it turns out that we have lectures every friday. Gee, we even have to write a freakin research paper...WEIRD! I just wanna dance man...but oh well, I shouldn't have made that assumption in the first place. It IS a credit class.

I'm very excited with my dance class. I haven't been to a studio or any formal dance training for over 10 years now and I really realized how much I miss performing, especially expressing myself through dance. Since I haven't formally danced for so long, I decided to take a beginning level as a refresher course. It's cool that we're gonna be learning ballet, jazz, tap, and modern since my background was only ballet and polynesian dancing. We've only spent a day in ballet, but I now know how much I'm so freakin out of shape. My legs are sore...especially my calves. I'm not as flexible as I want to be, but hopefully my dance class will help...and yoga and pilates too. Speaking of me missing dancing and performing, one of my classmates in dance class told me she's in a hip-hop junior dance team (which performs with the BEST hip-hop dance group here! Go Culture Shock!). She announced to my class that their team will be holding an audition/try-outs on the 22nd. I'm thinking of trying out just to see if I'll be good enough to cut it. Man...that would be so awesome if I make the team...anyways, wish me all the luck!

Hmmm...well other than school, I've been job-hunting 'cause I need to find one...quick! I can't stand just staying at home after school! Plus I need moolah...got lotsa bills to pay...*sigh* hehe. I hope I get one soon so I can start saving up for Las Vegas! Me and my sis are thinking of going there to celebrate our birthday...that'd be so wicked! I'll be applying to a couple of malls around here, hopefully I'll get hired!

Welps...boys...hmmm...they suck! LoL. Still having guy problems...I don't even want to elaborate about it 'cause I just have way too many things to say. So let's just leave it at that until I have enough time to rant about them.

Glad to be back here again. I hope you guys are doing alright. Gotta give some shout outs to a some peeps: Sarah, Anna, and Justine. Miss chattin with you guys...been reading your blurties...sorry I don't leave any comments, but I'm glad y'all are okay! Hope to catch you guys soon...

Until the next episode...

P.S. Ooops...forgot to say that I went to San Diego's Annual Street Scene last night. IT WAS SUCH A BLAST! $45 was sure worth paying to go there. I got to see Flogging Molly perform (they're like a rock & roll Celtic band). They're so cool! Loved the music so now I gotta hunt for their CD. But the highlight of the night was when I saw The Goo Goo Dolls perform. MAN! Johnny Rzeznick is so FREAKING HOT!!!!! I wanna marry him...LoL! If y'all think his voice sounds good in the CDs, it's even better live! They played for an hour and a half...I'm just so happy I had the chance to see them perform. I hope they come around here again 'cause I'll surely attend the concert. Anyways....that's my rant about them...I Love Ya Johnny!

current mood: sleepy
current music: Name by The Goo Goo Dolls

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Thursday, August 21st, 2003
10:44 pm - Anna...Pahiram Ha!
Anna, I'm borrowing your 101 Questions...I just need some time away from my heart woes right now, LoL. Thanks Girlie!

101 )

current mood: exhausted
current music: My fan's annoying spinning noise...

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9:48 am - I Hate It!
Dang it...I'm so starting to hate men. They're freaking petty and so damn difficult to deal with. Argh. They should really start thinking with their heads instead of their pants...damn it.

That's all I have to say for now...better leave before I say more profane things in here. Besides, I don't wanna offend y'all with my awful language...

Adios.

current mood: bitchy
current music: Nobody's Fool by Avril Lavigne

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Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
2:38 pm - I Don't Know Why
Wow...I've been missing here for quite a while now. Missed out on a lot with some of you guys, sorry about that.

Anyways, my life right now is....confusing as hell. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. I quit work last Friday, kinda relieving but the fact that I'm jobless again is not sitting well with me right now. I don't know if it'll be permanent this time, just hoping that I'll find something that I can stay longer than 1 year. Gotta make a note of that for myself. I have this whole week to catch up on my beauty sleep before school turns me into a zombie again. It'll be starting next Monday, God help me. Hehe. Can't believe summer's going by so fast, and I still haven't gone to the beach yet! Oh well, I guess I'll have to wait for another year to get my tan. Sorry if my thoughts are so scrambled right now. Just typing away whatever comes into mind. Plus my life's been a whirlwind (again) these past few months so I guess it really doesn't matter.

Why are guys so difficult to deal with? Seriously. If I keep running into these same situation and problems, then I JUST GIVE UP. Here I am...ending one and the other? I have no idea what's going on. I've changed so much in my life and in myself that once again, I lost myself in the mix. I think I really do have this problem of pleasing everyone else before myself. I'm in this situation right now where everything could work out so well and for good, but of course I can't have it or be in it. LOVE can bite your ass freakin hard sometimes. I guess I just want to know how it feels to have someone and not worry so much about what others think and what kinda twist it'll have that will leave me being alone in the end. I just want someone to be there at the end of the tunnel. Maybe that's a lot to ask for but I think I deserve a little break here. Am I just numb and can't tell the difference between what's good for me and what's good for someone else??? *sigh* Here's another open door to sleepless nights. I feel like I want to get away from everything. Just need some kind of peace of mind.....

current mood: disappointed
current music: Sympathy by BBMak

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Monday, August 11th, 2003
7:41 pm - Interview...
The Rules:
1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond; I'll ask you 5 questions.
3. You'll update your journal with my 5 questions, and your 5 answers.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You'll ask other people 5 questions when they want to be interviewed.

Questions
1. What's one thing you can't live without?
Well, the one thing i probably can't live without is the gold cross pendant my mom gave to me for my birthday. It helps me through my tough times plus it's has a great sentimental value being that my mommy had given it to me.
2. What is the best thing about being you?
Wow...that's a hard question. I really don't analyze myself that much. Maybe by best buddy Rex can answer this one for me. BUT, if I must answer it, I guess the best thing about me would be that I try my best to make everyone happy. Even if it means that I put myself aside for a while, just as long as everyone I love and care about is happy then my job is done.
3. If you can be some place else where would you want to be?
If I can be some place else, the I would want to be there in the Philippines. All of my relatives and family are there and they're super important to me. Plus, I miss the life there. I miss being Filipino...hehe.
4. Is there such thing as True Love?
I believe so...I mean someone may not be able to see it right away, but I know that True Love is for real. I know I may not be the right person to be saying this, but even amidst all the chaos I've been through I think I'm just now seeing the True Love I've been waiting for. Besides, everything is worth it in the end.
5. If you were given a chance to be someone else for one day who would you choose to be?
Hmmm...If I was someone else for one day, I think I would want to be Mother Teresa. I just want to know how it feels to be fully good inside and out. She's done so many great things and I'm just curious how it feels not to take anything for granted and be grateful and giving at the same time.

Thanks Sarah for the interview...you've got some great questions girl! I still have to think of what to ask you...So just chill for a while I guess until I come back with as great questions as you had for me. Ingats!

current mood: full
current music: My Mom Singing "Through The Fire"...hehe

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Sunday, August 3rd, 2003
8:15 pm - 360...Aren't We?
Funny how peace of mind and time by yourself really brings you up to think about your current situation. I've already had about 1 month and a half to think about it, but it's just now that things are getting clearer to me. I guess that past month I've tried to avoid it and see it in a better light. But I know no matter how hard I try, I can't cover up what's been done and what's still going on. I feel so exhausted, I'm at that point where I just want to drop it and stop analyzing it by thinking of how I can make it better. It's not fair that it's me who's trying to keep things afloat. It just drains me so much and I don't want to feel like that anymore. Then again, it's so hard to let go. It's already been a year...pretty good for something so impossible (or so it seems) to do. Yes, the one year's been a blessing and hard too...but seeing it in the big picture, it seems like it haven't gone anywhere and it just lagged. I should've seen it coming...reading the book of letters, now I see how things started to make a 360 degree turn. I don't even know what and how to feel anymore. I've kinda lost myself somewhere in the mix of things. I know what I have to do, but I'm so terrified to do it. I don't know if I will be able to do that to him. I just don't know anymore.

Talked to my friend this morning (texted me at 3:32 am...thanks! just playin) and called right then...finished talking almost 8 a.m.! That's the longest time I've ever talked with anyone. And I'm glad it's just the right person that I talked with for that long. *whatever you think, you have nothing to do with what I'm about to do. remember, I knew what was going on way before so I think it's just the talks that made it even clearer to me. so for that I thank you for helping me get through this when I needed someone the most.* I know things are so weird and confusing as it is, but everything I said was in honest truth. It may not help the situation, but hey, I promised I'll be honest and so that's what you get :P

If I called you, would you believe what I have to say. And if I saw you, would you turn and walk away. If I had my way, you'd be with me right now...Someday, Someway, Somehow....

I really don't know who that song is for...but I know he's out there...so if you're reading this, it's for you. Can you just come here and find me already? LoL... well, I guess I'll just be here and wait until you come around.


current mood: drained
current music: Naked by Avril Lavigne

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Friday, August 1st, 2003
4:09 pm - Yay! Finally....
After days, weeks, months (you get the picture) of staying home and just wasting away, I'm finally going to have some type of social life tonight. Yup, I know...shocking isn't it?! I know it is for me. Kuya (Rex), me and probably some other people are hitting downtown San Diego tonight. I'll finally have the chance to drop everything and just be in a utopian mode...besides, I think I deserve it anyway. I still don't know where we're gonna go...maybe I'll have 'em check out Tsunami Beach Club (where I celebrated my 21st birthday). It's a great club anyway...beachy, laid-back atmosphere not to mention the bartenders only wear their boardshorts (shirtless men! wohoo!). Caramel Appletini, here I come! I really hope I'll enjoy whatever the heck we're going to do tonight. I know I should be focusing on the upcoming anniversary, birthday...whatever. I am so not in the mood. LoL.

*note to self: YOU MUST HAVE FUN OR ELSE*

I'll let y'all in about the details once I get detoxified the next day...

current mood: excited
current music: The M&M Commercial Ad...argh!

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Thursday, July 31st, 2003
11:40 pm - Why?
Well, I really thought I was content with what I have in my life right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for what's been given to me but there's just that lil tweak that makes everything so confusing. My best bud called me up last night...Kuya (as I used to call him even if I'm older than him...he's just like a brother to me) and I talked for almost 2 hours (that's why I didn't get much sleep and looked like a zombie at work today) about the kinks we're having in our lives (love lives, that is). Our conversation was a rude awakening of things I've been regressing...the problems I didn't want to accept and didn't want to realize. But the major problem is that it's so hard to walk away when you've given so much of yourself. I've invested in this so much that I just can't let go... even if it hurts me. I know I may not make any sense at all...I just don't wanna reveal way too much info...hehe. I'm still confused, I don't think that will ever change. I'm just hoping that if I do make things better for me, that somewhere down the road I'll look back and not regret anything. I was happy...but I know that phrase shouldn't have "was." I can't say that I AM happy...that'll be lying to myself. I guess I can just remain neutral for now...stay a lil numb for a while until I'm ready to look at myself and discover what I truly feel inside. I know I can get there...I just don't know how to.

current mood: numb
current music: Sway by Bic Runga

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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
12:20 am - Nyek!
Man...medyo matagal-tagal na din akong hindi nakaka-post dito ah! I've been so freakin busy with work that by the time I get home, I can't think of anything to post 'cause my mind feels like jello! Anyways...I was just reading annings post about listing what she looks for in a guy, and I thought hey! why not do one too since I have absolutely nothing interesting to post (unless y'all really wanna hear about my work...boring!). So let it rip and here it is...

Check Here If You're Applicable...HAHA! )

current mood: content
current music: Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne

(want to smooch?)

Thursday, July 24th, 2003
1:30 pm - Gaya Gaya...LoL
So I'm stealing this from Justine...Thanks ha! BTW, can someone help me with the formatting here in blurty? kasi hindi ko alam kung paano gawin when you don't want to post up the whole entry (yung gagawan mo ng link to get you to the rest of the entry ba...) I'm retarded so someone please help me! Thanks...LoL!

Michele's Top 20 Songs (in no particular order of preference)

1. The Promise by When in Rome
- but if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me. I promise... -
GREAT song! Reminds me of my childhood days growing up in PI...plus I really take the lyrics to heart.

2. Human by Human League? (tama ba?!)
- i'm only human, born to make mistakes... -
CLASSIC...ah! I love this song...makes me weep whenever I hear it. BTW Boyz II Men remade this song, more upbeat but still a classic.

3. Passenger Seat by Stephen Speaks
- and i can't keep my eyes on the road, knowing that she's inches from me... -
*BIG SIGH* This is my song for my baby. Reminds me when we went to PCU and he sang the song for me...I miss you papi...

4. So Into You by Tamia
- every passing moment, thoughts of you run through my head -
Whenever I hear this song, it's like summer again for me. Just makes me feel very relaxed and carefree...

5. Just Once by James Ingraham
- can we find a way to finally make it right? -
Awww...Jov! Honey! Miss singing this with ya buddy...

6. Say You'll Stay by Kai
- say you'll stay by my side, say it's more than just tonight -
GREAT group...local flip band here in California...you guys should really check these guys out. Plus, their acapella version will really give you goosebumps!

7. Only One For Me by Brian McKnight
- i've been around, but now i've found that you're the only one for me -
What can I say?! Brian McKnight is just simply the best. All of his ballads just touches me straight to my heart and moves my soul...

8. I Can Tell by BBMak
- it's in the way you caress my face, like you always used to but differently -
SAD SAD SONG! I guess I like this saong 'cause it comforts me when I've been in a break-up or just something that makes me and another person become two completely different people...I dunno, I can just relate to the song's message.

9. The Distance by Evan and Jaron
- i can brave a hurricane and still be standing tall when all the dust have settled down, but i can't take the distance -
Just exactly explains my situation right now...hay buhay....

10. Everytime by Janet Jackson
- the last time really hurt me, scared to fall in love... 'cause everytime i fall in love it seems to never last -
OKAY, how true is this?! Wow...this is one of the main songs that will go down in the soundtrack of my life...

11. With or Without You by U2
- i can't live with or without you... -
Another one of my classic songs! I remember watching the video for this song and just falling head over heels for Bono...he looked dang sexy in the leather vest!

12. Baby Luv by Groove Theory
- whether or not i say it a lot, i'm down with you in every single way -
Makes me feel very happy when I hear this song...it's just so uplifting and makes me remember how loving someone can be so much fun!

13. Tuloy Pa Rin Ako by Side A
- maghihintay na lang kung sino man iyon, dapuan ang puso ko tuloy pa rin ako -
Ahhh...I LOVE SIDE A! This song makes me think of my days spent there in PI...Feels like nakatambay lang ako...LoL!

14. Sa Kanya by Ogie Alcasid
- sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw ng damdamin, sa kanya pa rin sasaya bulong ng puso ko-
Basically says that I think no matter who I meet, I'd still be going back to my baby 'cause he makes me feel alive and complete.

15. 214 by RiverMaya
- am i real? do the words i speak before you make you feel that the love i have for you will see no ending? -
Was a song for me and my ex Mike. I just think that the song is awesome...great rock ballad from a flip group!

16. Sun and Moon from Miss Saigon
- you are sunlight and i moon joined by the gods of fortune... -
LOVE, LOVE this! I've always wanted to sing this with someone to feel all romantic and mushy!

17. Hurt by Kalapana
- would you hurt the man who loves you? would you hurt the man today? would you take the love you gave me away? -
The beat and rhythm of this song is SUPER AWESOME! I love singing this with my peeps there in PI.

18. Runaway by The Corrs
- close the door, lay down upon the floor... -
Hehehe...I would love to runaway with the love of my life...just not right now though, LoL!

19. Get Here by Oletta Adams
- you can reach me with a caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man. i don't care how you get here, just get here if you can -
Man...I guess the distance is really getting to me, huh? I like the mood that the song has...it really makes me think how far I would go just to be with someone...

20. Place In This World by Michael W. Smith
- looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find my place in this world -
This is my song for Him. I guess it's my soul-searching to find how I can serve Him and use myself to make people aware of how his grace can move mountains...

current mood: working
current music: clicking noise of my mouse (we can't play music at work)

(3 smooches | want to smooch?)

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
11:48 pm - My Love's Alive and Not Dead....
*SiGh* I LOVE Edwin McCain's I'll Be...listening to it right now. I really don't know what to write about so I'll insert another survey that I stole from Sarah...sorry girlie! Thanks na lang...

If Stripping Were The Only Way To Get Money, Would You Do It?: depends how physically fit I am...LoL! I dunno...

Do You Think They Use Rats At McDonalds?: maybe...there might be some kind of conspiracy we're not informed about...hmmm...lemme talk to the clown.

About How Much MSG Do You Think They Put In Chinese Food?: enough to give you stroke or heart attack if you eat 'em for 1 week straight...hahaha...

If You Ever Saw A Ghost, What Would You Say to it?: drop dead?!

Do You Believe Angels Really Exist?: yuppers...I already have one!

What Would You Do With A Big Bucket Of Slime?: thrash it against my aunt's face...hahaha...lukaret talaga ako!

If Someone You Knew Had A.I.D.S, Would You Treat Them Like Crap?: HELL NO. I'm educated enough about AIDS to know that just because someone has it doesn't mean they don't deserve the same respect you ask for.

What Would You Do If Someone Called You A Slut?: right back at 'cha BiAtCh...

If You Had A Chance To Be In A Movie In Which It Involved Kissing A Really Hot Famous Guy Would You Take The Chance?: HELLS YEAH! you must be out of it if you walk away...sorry babe! it's just a hypothetical question anyways...hehe...

Have You Ever Electrocuted Yourself?: sad but true...yups...when I was 3 or 4 I stuck a metal scissor inside an electrical socket...smart, huh?

At About What Age Do You Think People Get Really Boring?: people only get boring if they don't live up their life...so that totally depends on you! are you boring?!?

Do You Like Pickles Dipped In Chocolate Pudding?: haven't tried that...i'm guessing a NO here.

Would You Ever Consider Getting Pregnant At 16?: If I did I'd have a load ass of kids right now. So the answer would be a NO!

Are You Wonderful?: EXTREMELY.

Who Would You Ever Sleep With?: why do you wanna know? my husband-to-be...sino pa ba? Unless Hayden Christensen, Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, Shane West or Ryan Phillippe takes me up on the offer...LoL, in my dreams!

Do You Know Anybody With Purple Hair?: not yet...although my hair did have some purple in it, does that count?

Are There Any Normal People In This World?: if there were then this world would be HELLA boring...give me a good example of who's normal, maybe then I'd say YES.

Isn't School Totally Useless To Your Life?: NOPE, it'll take me far in life actually...no matter how much I hate it!

Do You Like Slinkies?: yuppers

Are Clouds Really Marshmallows?: no! they're cotton candy! I refuse to believe they're marshmallows...hmmpf!

Do You Like Me?: depends...ya gonna give me money if I say yes? LoL j/k!

Did Your Mom Ever Drop You On Your Head When You Were A Baby?: i don't think so...although she probably was tempted to do so...haha...

Were You Ever Abducted By Aliens?: they were going to but once they saw me, they already knew I'm way out of their league with the weirdness I presented...they thought I was weirder than real aliens! that hurt man...

Are You Absolutely Insane?: well, if my answers here sounds normal then YOU must be insane...you answer this one for me.

Who Let The Dogs Out?: they freed themselves...see spot run!

Do Jumping Beans Really Make You Jump?: kinda...depends on how much they entertain me.

Do you ever watch Porno Movies?: yes...only because I walked in on my best guy friend and my ex-bf watching it and they made me sit there, holding me hostage, to watch it for 2 minutes. I WANTED TO HAVE AN EYE TRANSPLANT! Never do I want to see those again...EEECCK! I'm scarred for life...

What Makes Hair Grow?: BEER.

Why Are Oranges Orange?: Because they don't want to be Lemons...

Do You Enjoy Singing 100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall?: YESSSS...especially when I'm counting all the beer bottles I've drank....hahaha...

Why Does The Energizer Bunny Keep Going And Going And Going?: because he doesn't wanna be screwed out of a commercial gig...he needs the moolah!

current mood: amused
current music: I'll Be by Edwin McCain

(want to smooch?)


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