I actually think im addicted to masterbation.

:/
Hmmmmm..
its not because im 'un-satisfied'....
i just do it all the time.. and usually about ten times when i do.. if not more.



--------------------------------

Totally irrellivant.. but Rest in Peace Nana.
im sorry for not writing you back. :(

Beauty of mutilation.

i have never felt more creative

fuck recovery.

aww i forgot how easy it is to break..
i havnt done it since the beginning of this year, and i mean the very beginning...
i did so well.

but fuck me i feel better.

Maybe i should talk to someone...
i dont think i can though.

-During a manic episode, a person might impulsively quit a job

-Bipolar disorder is characterised by mood swings. The mood swings can range from extreme happiness (mania) to extreme sadness (depression).

-Feel rested after sleeping two hours.

-difficulty concentrating and remembering things

-a loss of interest in everyday activities,

-feelings of emptiness or worthlessness



I WANT TO HURT AGAIN.

Life is a challenge.
You are the most beautiful person in the entire world.
And you think the same about me.
No one is perfect.

I could never loose you.
I have had too much heartbreak to loose again.
I'll go over the edge. x

Dear you,
we made spend every evening together.
i may sleep next to you at night.
but i miss you incredibly.
it's not enough anymore.
you need to make more effort.

loveyou :(

Why cant i be happy and thin..
I have to be un-happy...
i have to be fat to be happy..

Date:	2009-10-07 20:08
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined
Music:	Avenged sevenfold.

I remember at the beginning i spent all of my savings week after week.
Paying for taxis in the middle of the night, sneaking out, to sleepnext to you for 4 hours and then getting another cab back , sneaking back in.
This carried on for weeks costing me ALL of my savings.

I remember our first arguement and knowing it wasnt my fault at all.
i remember that you made me feel weak and so i agreed with what you said.
I remember lying that it was my fault.

I remember easter, when all we did was smoke joint after joint of god knows what shit in that shithole of yours.
I remember realising what was happening to my mind and to my functioning body.

I remember when you first laughed at an outfit of mine.
I remember you being embarrased of me.

I remember when i first self inflicted because of you.
I remember how it felt and how it was breaking my pact to myself. I remember feeling weak, empty, alone and helpless.

I remember when you first said i was fat, i remember eating nothing but an apple a day for a days.
I remember feeling ugly, embarrasing, not good enough and discusting.
I remember looking at you and feeling fat. I remember the day i wanted to have an eating disorder.

I remember realising i was changin because of you.
I remember when you convinced me to get back with you.
I remember letting my guard down the moment you told me you loved me, and that you would change.
I remember that i was out, i was free. But i came back like a lost child finding its comfort cloth.

I remember when it went back to normal.
I remember then, that did everything.
I remember buying the food, doing the washing.

I remember that night your hand wrap around my neck and my head smacked against the wall.
I remember not feeling scared, but feeling relieved.
I remember feeling it was now out, i had a reason to run away.
I remember the first person i told. I remember how they wanted to hurt you. I remember that they wanted to hurt you in ways you wouldnt believe.
I remember that they then had a reason to really loathe you.

I remember when finally i gave in.
I remember when i lost my mind and begged you not to leave me.
I now realise, how you had me wrapped around every marching order, every chore, every curfew.
I remember the day i got out.
I remember you telling me that i could stay longer.
I remember i grabbed my opportunity.
I remember that i left.

I remember that day i moved everything out.
I remember the months of silence.
I remember the moment of warmth months later when you told me you missed me.
I remember saving it.
I remember trying to delete it.
I still look at it today.

Knowing i came out with one tiny bit of dignity.
I remember how you RUINED me.
and how now im building a new.

I know now, i'd never go back.
I know now, im worth more.
I know now, im alive.

Box

At times I get discouraged with the "place" the world puts me. I don't claim to be anything more than human. I just strive to be more Christ like in all I do.

This doesn?t mean I?m perfect, that I?ve never doubted, or never sinned. It doesn?t mean I?ve lived a sheltered life of forced religion taught by my parents.
It doesn?t mean I?ll judge others who have chosen to live a different life style or are a different religion then me.

It means, to me, that I?ve made a choice.
To focus on what God wants for me.
To live a life full of purpose according to his will.
To love people, instead of worrying about where they're at in life.
To be honest and sincere in my actions.
To live a life above reproach and questioning.
To set aside my wants and desires for his glory.
To do what is right, not because I feel I have to but because I have an understanding that I?m worth more than the pressures and standards of mans opinion of me.

To be a living sacrifice.

The "box" and its four small walls, built out of pre conceived thoughts, enclosed with the bondage of stereo typical allegations justified by previous acquaintances claiming to be the same but acted in a hypocritical manner.

This box.

Cannot Contain me.

"Strawburry17

Date:	2009-09-08 15:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	None :)

& all i know,


....is down inside i am bleeding. And superheroes, still all the beasts are bleeding.


Morning. :)
I'm a strange one.. i dont half send in some random shite.(",)
So right now, i am laid on Tony's bed playing Poker on Facebook.
Whilst he plays team fortress. I try and think of something even vaguely interesting, but i am struggling.
Hmm. So.. the only thing i have planned for today is to meet my friend Ryan and go meet tony after work. Were going to have a romantic fish and chip dinner me and Ry haha !! ><
Ahh dear. I am glad i met Ryan :) He is actually a really good friend.

I should really get up and get a shower soon you know.. ?
I have decided i really want a flat cap.. I found one on ebay for ?4.40 but i need my debit card!
Shower timeee :)

Date:	2009-09-08 00:42
Subject:	....13,,part 2..
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative
Music:	Still breakfast club.

Date:	2009-09-08 00:29
Subject:	.13......My secret
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank
Music:	Watching - The breakfast club

Date:	2009-09-07 21:37
Subject:	Parent
Security:	Public
Mood:	full

Dear Mum.

I miss you immensley.
I won't come home because of Richard.
Yet i will not make you choose.
I just wishyou let me know that you miss me too.
Like that text you sent me at 3:20am a month or so ago.
It made me feel really, REALLY good.

Daughter K

Date:	2009-08-16 23:07
Subject:	-11,, Anthony
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved
Music:	Jeffery Star - Prisoner

Okay so i am goin gto start with Tony.
Seems reasonable. Plauseable. Ideal.

However i recon he shall be home from Work soon.

I have commented about him before now but i guess that doesnt matter.


Anthony John Emms

Other than noticing him a couple times walking around this tiny town, I first met T whilst i was at work at Pets @ Home. He was in with two other mates and was being the annoyingly flirty customer you may come across every few shifts. Telling me that there was dead fish within the tanks and that i had to fish them out, however i remarked thaqt the fish was not actually dead and it was the companies policy to leave them to die before fishing them out (this i am 100% against, i believe exactly the same as he, and that i should have put the poor animal out of its misery.)
I then gave inand sneakily removed the dying fish and put it out of its misery. This made him happy, clearly by one of those cheeky grins he then flashed me. Leaving, apperently his mates told him to go get my number.. which to this day i tell him he should have :) haha. Thanks to the social network site Myspace.com i went and found him. Well i say i went and found him, i recognised him on a link... considering i didnt know his name. Added him..which resulted in, the next day logging on and to have recieved a message within held his number telling me to text him. I did.

From then on there was a couple of 'meetings'... more like.. we were both in town together and texting next minute we'd be in the same place hah!
Till the faithful evening he had to witness me pissed as a panda. The end of the evening in my drunken state he came to say goodnight... jus a general.. "im going so see you soon hopefully" I go to hug him and in the druken state i only kiss him!
So it got to the point where i had been invited over to 'Watch some DVDs'... Which i dont really know what happened because.. only DVDs had been mentioned it wasnt like i had planned to stay or it was in the back of my mind sub conciously. Because it was.. i had no clothes.. not a hat, not anything for the night.. however i didnt take enough money for a taxi back to my grandmas. Either way i ended up staying, and from then on i was sleeping over.. ALOT.
Hah now its nearly four months later and i havnt slept anywhere else in around 3 months. He asked me to be his on the 22nd of April 2009 after a Yashin gig. In his friends car...as we dropped off my friend in Malton (a good hour drive) Since then, we have been inseperable.

I quickly fell in Love with Tony. And now i have no doubt in my mind that i am going anywhere.
He amazes me every day with how much someone can care for another person, both me caring for him and he caring for me. He loves every one of my flaws. Everything i hate on me.. he loves. What more can you ask for to be honest?

- Id like to say that i want to be this boy for as long as possible.
I'd love to get a place with him and build a future. Hopefully we are going to London in December for a weekend to be together. I cant wait.
He is Beautiful.

Date:	2009-08-16 20:24
Subject:	.11. A new....
Security:	Public
Mood:	relaxed
Music:	Lady Gaga.

Okay, so i promised myself i would create a journal on here.. pretty much start a new because i have always wanted to do it..
We can safely say im not doing the greatest job of daily inputs.

I do however like to write stuff down for others to read only none of my actual friends no about this.. infact i dont think anyone does...Tony has seen the desktop 'Blurty' panel but other than that he hasnt really asked much about it or stuck his nose in. To which i am grateful. I am an idiot and even though my writing is anything but offensive to him he'll probably take it that way unless i explain.

My word! i am babbling!

Date:	2009-08-11 15:50
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	Alexisonfire - This could be anywhere

So i dont sleep till 6AM this morning...
It's getting ridiculous...

The next available appointment for my problem.. is in OCTOBER.

I can ring if there is any canellations before that... but like THATS going to happen at Scarborough G.H.

I DONT want my insomnia back..
Pretty please.

Date:	2009-08-06 19:08
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

Tony is the answer.
He is what i need.
He is changing me so much for the better :)

Date:	2009-07-08 22:05
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	pleased
Music:	Blondie

I'm not afraid to fall,
it means i climbed up high.
To fall is not to fail,
you fail when you don't try.
Not afraid to fall.
I might just learn to fly and
i will spread these wings of mine.

Date:	2009-07-03 18:41
Subject:	(07) My Side.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick

Okay, so i have a continuing problem and i have done for just over two years. It is an abdominal pain. I can cripple over in pain from it and i have lost one job from it, and now it looks like a second.
Recently i have being throwing up regulary also.
After numerous tests and operations they found nothing.
the other day I took a pregnancy test which came out negative..........(enough said)



1) im a failure, i havnt anything to show for my life.
2) i couldnt leave him, i dont think i could tell him, especially what has happened to his mum.
3) i dont know whether i am over reacting or not.