.V.i.o.l.a.t.e.d.'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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[28 Oct 2003|08:38pm]
[ mood | creative ]

made a new journal. Impassioned

You should probably go there to read more updated stuff. this will probably end up just being rarely updated or having randomness in it.

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[27 Oct 2003|07:00pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Away From Me - Puddle Of Mudd ]

hm. today i went with my sister and my mom like all around pennsylvania, trying to find stuff for my sister's wedding. we failed. at least it got me out of school.

there isn't much of anything to say. ive messed around with the computer and otherwise just done nothing. still emotionally unstable but who the hell cares?

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wow. [26 Oct 2003|06:36pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | Go On - Taking Back Sunday ]

hm. crazy weekend. on friday, after school, a bunch of us ended up going to the mall. it was crazy amusing because we played Dance Dance Revolution and had good times there. because we were too lazy to take her home, anne slept over with me and jen at my house. the next morning after anne left we went to my grandparents. then my dad had to bring me home so i could go to my sister's bridal shower with my mom. after my mom picked me up and took me there we were sitting around for a couple of hours at joe's dad's house and watched her open presents and crap. then my cousin, dana, brought me home so my dad could take me to hollys. when i got there jen and tony were already there and then anne showed up after awhile.

we all got in dresses and such and did our hair and what nots. failed horribly for me. seany showed up and gave holly some roses. james broke up with anne after she called him a pussy, but she was very happy about it. shaun showed up around that point and we all went downstairs to have good dancing fun. that failed.

we came back up at some point and played more Dance Dance Revolution, tried to watch some movies, wound up eating and being REALLY amused by seany and shaun's impressions of james and gordon. i hadn't laughed that hard for such a long time.

we hung out downstairs again and i talked to seany about a lot of stuff, he made me feel a bit better...and even though i heard the things he was saying they haven't kicked in yet. we didn't go to bed until 2 o clock came by for the second time. when we woke up anne had to leave pretty shortly after and then we had breakfast. we went back into hollys room and i listened to her and jen talk about stuff that i didnt feel like hearing cuz it made me feel like crap.

oh well. jen got picked up around 1130 and i got picked up around 12. i went to jens and sort of did our german project but i didnt really feel like being there so i just got dirty looks the whole time. oh fucking well.

im done.

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everyone i know goes away in the end [23 Oct 2003|06:49pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Shadows Like Statues - Matchbox Romance ]

hm. ex-convict guy in my class decided to mess with me. in several different ways. :\ my mom is taking back my dress. "homecoming" at hollys house. dont know if i can go though. have my sisters bridal shower on saturday at like the same time. oh well. no one will miss me. id be all depressed there anyway. but i feel like just giving up. cuz apparently im just a "stupid piece of ugly ass shit" according to someone. its worthless to even try...but i dont want to give up.

i was trying to find a survey or something but im failing. oh well...no one would read it. nevermind i found one.

name -- Kaydee
Spell your name backwards: Eedyak
Date of birth: April 20th, 1988
Astrological sign: Taurus
Nicknames: Kate
Occupation? Student
Height: 5'7"
Hair color: Dark Brown
Eye color: Green
Where were you born? Somewhere
Age: 15
Screen name: KawaiiNekoTidus
What do your screen names stand for? CuteKittyTidus
Pets: Friskerz/Tidus/Ta-Kun ... my kitteh
Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? 2
Piercing? None
Tattoo's? None
Righty or lefty? Righty
Wearing: Care Bear Pajama Pants, Shirt with red and black sleeves and my Busted shirt over that
Hearing: Eleven - Taking Back Sunday
Feeling: Depressed, Worried, Anxious, Worthless, Alone, Needy
Eating/drinking: Nothing

: people you know :

`@!Craziest? Depends on the moment
`@!Loudest? Anne
`@!Best friend of the same sex? Jen, Holly, Anne
`@!Best friend of the opposite sex? Zak and Jeremy
`@!Most shy? I don't know
`@!Dumbest? Everyone has their moments
`@!Smartest? Brenna
`@!Best personality? Tony
`@!Most talented? Everyone has their own talents
`@!Most ghetto? Zak because he thinks hes a pimp
`@!Drama queen? Tony
`@!Pain in the ass? Jen
`@!Funniest? Everyone
`@!Best advice giver? You know...I haven't gotten ANY good advice lately when I REALLY need it
`@!Druggie? Probably going to be me
`@!Most likely to join a cult? Max
`@!Have you lost touch with a good friend recently? Yes
`@!Person you've been friends with the longest? Jess

: Last. . . :
-Last dream: We were at Hollys house, I'm not entirely sure who was there, but I know Jen, Tony, Holly, Anne, Zak, and Me were. We were all hanging out having a good time, and then some girl that I couldn't see the features of came in and started messing with Zak. I got all freaked out and started crying and stuff, and when Zak noticed he laughed. Yeah. Good dream hm.
-Last car ride: Does the bus count?
-Last good cry: Crying is never good, and today in English
-Last movie seen: Yu Yu Hakusho: Poltergeist Report ... I was bored so I watched it
-Last Book Read: I was tring to read The Once And Future King but I'm too lazy
-Last curse word uttered: Fuck
-Last phone call: My mom
-Last TV show watched: I Love the 80's Strikes Back 1983
-Last shoes worn: My Vans
-Last CD played: Matchbox Romance
-Last annoyance: Everything
-Last soda drank: Livewire at Holly's a while back
-Last IM: No one's said anything to me yet so probably Holly last night
-Last time dancing: Last night at A.C. Moore with Jen and her Mom when The Hustle came on
-Worn a skirt: Tomorrow...maybe o.o
-Missed someone: Right now. I miss Zak
-Fought with your parents: Haven't for awhile, bout due for that
-Wished upon a star: I gave up on that
-Laughed until you cried: I miss doing that. Last time I did it was at Zak over a month ago for him doing something dumb
-Played truth or dare: When Anne Jen and Holly slept over at my house a while back
-Watched a sunrise/sunset: Don't know
-Went to the beach at night: Never
-Spent quality time alone: I've been alone for a long time, it hasn't been very quality though
-Read a book for fun: I haven't read for awhile, I feel bad
-Are you lonely: YES god damnit
-Are you wearing pajamas: Sort of
-Are you talking to someone online: No

*Movie You Could Watch Over and Over: Hackers
*Your Favorite Song At This Moment: My Eyes Burn - Matchbox Romance
*Your Favorite Song : Without You Here - Finch
*Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With: Zak ;-;

-;- this or that -;-

*Shorts or Pants: Pants
*Hug or Kiss: Both
*Oranges or Apples: Oranges
*Black or White: Black
*Blonde or Brunette: Blonde
*Tall or Short: Tall
*A or Z: Z
*Punk Or Prep: Punk
*Superman or Spider Man: Batman ... no Robin ^_^
*Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla

*Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today: No
*Have you ever met anyone off the internet: No
*How many phones do you have in your house: Two
*How long is your hair: Shoulder length?
*Do you get along with your parents: I get along with my mom
*What color of eyes do you prefer: Blue
*Were you named after anyone: Catherine Hepburn
*Do you like your handwriting: No
*What is your most embarrasing CD/Tape: Don't know
*If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself? No
*Are you a daredevil: I wish I was
*Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell: No
*Have you ever misused a word and sounded absolutely stupid: No
*Where is your second home: Holly's or Jen's
*Do you trust others easily: No
*What was your favorite toy as a child: My My Little Ponies
*What class in school do you think is totally useless: GERMAN
*Do you have a journal: This one
*Have you ever been in another country: No
*Would you bungee jump: Yes
*What are you worried about right now: Loosing Zak
*Do you ever wear overalls: No

Actor/actress: Mathew Lillard, Orlando Bloom, Angelina Jolie
Board game: Candyland
Book: The Last Unicorn
Cartoon: The Candidate for Goddess
Cereal: Peanut Butter Crunch
Chewing gum: Polar Ice
Color(s): Black and Silver
Color nail polish: Silver
Day of week: Saturday
Least fave day: Monday
Flower: Rose
Jello flavor: Peach
Day or Night: Night
Summer or Winter: Winter

Finish the Sentence..

I Love to… be with Zak
I Miss... how everything used to be with him
I Wish... I could be everything he wants
I Hope... it'll work out soon
I Am Annoyed by... how crappy I am
I Am... alone
I Want to Be... happy
I Would Never... I don't know
I'd Rather... neh
I Am Tired... all the time

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.lie.to.me. [21 Oct 2003|08:08pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | My Eyes Burn - Matchbox Romance ]

KawaiiNekoTidus (9:06:17 PM): then talk to me?

KawaiiNekoTidus (9:06:35 PM): crappy
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:06:58 PM): im still messed up from zak breaking up with me, havent gotten over it...really just got worse and such
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:07:59 PM): :-\i know i have you. everyone keeps saying that. its just not the same...why not?
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:08:23 PM): oh
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:08:47 PM): dont say it unless you mean it. those words seem to hate me.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:10:40 PM): i guess its good to know someone cares. i wish it was the person i wanted it to be. i dont know why im still so miserable over this. ive never been hurt this bad. i dont know either. im really assuming he just doesnt like me anymore and was trying to break up with my nicely. but he keeps messing with me and i dont know what hes thinking and it gives me false hope one moment and then beats me down the next.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:11:53 PM): i thought so too.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:12:24 PM): but i got hurt worse than ever. and yet im continuing to wish he would come back. i really really did.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:13:26 PM): i really think i do. i would do anything for him. even if he wouldnt do anything for me. yeah, i feel like that. and i just want him to feel the same way. i thought he did. then it just, ended.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:15:36 PM): he said it was because he was having "problems" in his family and didnt want to drag me down with him. when quite honestly he made me feel like the lowest piece of dirt in the world when i could have been doing just fine.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:16:26 PM): and when i said all of these things to him he would either be like :-\ or "i dont know what to say" which frustrated me because i was telling him how much i cared about him and wasnt getting anything back
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:17:26 PM): i thought so too. thats when i started to think that maybe he was just trying to say anything so that he could break up with me without it seeming harsh.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:22:33 PM): yeah. oh well. its not your fault.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:23:49 PM): :-\
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:26:22 PM): im sorry.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:27:42 PM): he isnt sorry though.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:28:55 PM): :-\
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:29:18 PM): oh.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:30:04 PM): :-(
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:32:05 PM): i dont think you could ever mess up someones mind really bad though. not like zaks doing to me. i mean, hes doing it...i know hes doing it...but it isnt stopping me from still letting myself be hurt. yet i want to stop being hurt, but if its from him i just dont care. i keep thinking if i let him hurt me enough everything will be okay.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:34:22 PM): i know. but i dont want to loose him. i dont want to give up.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:35:27 PM): :-\no one ever does.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:36:08 PM): dont be. its not your fault. no one's been able to help me so it's not like its a disappointment or anything.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:37:51 PM): :-(
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:39:54 PM): okay. goodnight, byes. yeah, he said that too. but i believe you. thanks for talking.
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:40:14 PM): love you too
KawaiiNekoTidus (9:40:15 PM): goodnight

that was a conversation i had last night. not gonna put out who i was talking to for various reasons. dont know why i felt the need to put it in here. i guess because i want it to some how make things better. oh well.

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[20 Oct 2003|06:33pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Save Yourself - Matchbox Romance ]

im realllllllly getting tired of being played with.

bah. i keep taking it though :\

im still waiting.

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i hope you need this now cuz i know i still do [18 Oct 2003|06:35pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | Anthem Of Our Dying Day - Story Of The Year ]

"but if you die right now, you know that id die too..."

went to bates hotel thingy last night with a bunch of people. it would have been okay had it not been raining. oh well. it would have also been funner if we would have been able to hang out instead of being rushed through everything. our hayride failed horribly because we crashed since we had a flat tire. i wish we would have all just died. it would have been nice. i realized how "uncared" about i was at those moments too.

and even though im trying to move on. i cant.

i cant.

it isnt going away. and im sorry that it isnt. because i know it isnt making it easy for anyone else.

but i just cant

i think ive decided to not go to homecoming. but i need to tell my mom that so she can take back my dress because yeah.

why isnt it getting better. why is it only getting worse? why do i deserve this?

"for a second, i wish the tide would swallow every inch of this city as you gasp for air tonight. id scream this song right in your face as if you were here. i swear i wont miss a beat because i never have before."

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[16 Oct 2003|07:55pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

got my homecoming dress.

decided my life is meaningless.

i miss what i had just a month ago. it was perfect. now its not.

is it ever going to get better?

please someone tell me it will...and make sure it does.

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[15 Oct 2003|08:42pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | She'll Never Understand - Matchbox Romance ]

Who are you? No one would even know your name or who you are. No one may even know what you really look like. You would be known by a series of names since you would go under many aliases and have a number of disguises. You are very clever and creative, and would almost always be one step ahead of the authorities. You would make sure no evidence of your horrible murders would be left behind, and if it is, no one would know it was you. You sneaky, elusive person...authorities would have hard time trying to catch you. You would definitely be the mystery criminal. People may not even know the your killings are all from you. You would really be a threat to the public.

What Would Your Serial Killer Name Be? What Would the Public Know You As?
brought to you by Quizilla

Most Likley suicide is this, Slitting your wrists,
someTimes as Facts are, people Dont do it
right, this guy did though.

Which Method Are You Most Likley To Commit Suicide? (graphic pix)
brought to you by Quizilla

i need something or someone to keep me alive. i dont have any though. that could be me one day. haha. the sad thing is, when i thought about it today...someone might care for a day or two that im gone but no one would care any more. id be gone. everyone would be entirely over it in less than a week. no loss. i should just do it. fuck being lazy. maybe ill give myself one more night, one more day...but i dont think things will get better like i want them too. i bet theyll only get worse. and then its done.

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[15 Oct 2003|10:28am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | Tiger Lilly - Matchbox Romance ]

just got home from sleeping over at annes house with jen. we all stayed after for yearbook and then went to the mall. we being a lot of people. it was fun for the most part; looked at dresses for homecoming but failed horribly. we decided i was going with dan to the dance so yeah. james showed up to surprise anne and such. then we went to tilt and watched seany and dan play dance dance revolution.

the asian guy kicked ass.

he was going all super fast and was getting everything right. i envy him. i want ddr for my house.

anyway. we eventually went back to annes house and hung out for awhile. i talked to james on the phone and decided he didnt hate me. hurray for having a new friend. he said gordon said that i looked good. haha thats such i lie. i look horrible all the time and last night i looked even worse. oh well. so yeah.

im tired. and im bored. and im probably going to sit around and be mopey all day because thats how i feel.

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[13 Oct 2003|06:34pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | The Last Day - Evanescence ]

i hate coatesville. i hate you. i hate me. i hate everything.

im going to actually talk to my mom and dad about going and living with my mom now. whats the point of staying here?

everyone is fucking lieing to me. okay not everyone just one person. fuck them. fuck you. fuck it all.

maybe ill be smarter if i go to a better school. start over again. itll be better there. either that or fuck my life to hell and just run away. but thats so much effort. im gonna live with my mom. then none of you fuck heads who hate me anyway would care because youd never have to see me.

fuck you. you ruined my life.

fuck you!

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[12 Oct 2003|06:38pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | The Music In The Video Of Tidus And Yuna Dieing ]

being at hollys the other night made me think a lot. and thinking about things is never good.

it was really hard...to be there.... i cried. i hate crying around other people.

i talked to holly a little bit, and i know she understood...but i still didn't get to tell her what i wanted to.

i want to tell him. but theres really no point to it. i guess writing it here will be the best i can do for telling anyone.

its just that i feel like such shit. worthless shit. below worthless. its horrible. i feel like my heart is literally broken, on fire, crushed. sometimes i just cant breathe because the whole thing hurts too much.

its all i ever think about it. and i dont want it to be that way. i dont want it to hurt so much...but whenever im with a group of friends and im treated differently then everyone else; that hurts even more.

i never want to hear anyone ever say they love me again. and my piece of advice to anyone is to never say i love you to anyone unless you REALLY mean it...because to say those words and then turn away; it hurts. it really hurts.

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and if i bleed, i bleed...knowing you dont care [09 Oct 2003|06:34pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | Missing - Evanscence ]

my mind is being played with.

i know it.

it hurts.

stop playing with me. im tired of it.

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[07 Oct 2003|03:02pm]
As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do

Do you need this, as bad as I do
And do you need this, as bad as I do
Yeah do you need this, as bad as I do
Yeah do you need this, as bad as I do
As I do
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[06 Oct 2003|06:53pm]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | Until The Day I Die - Story Of The Year ]

me and jen dressed up like shannahoes.

it was amusing.

im fat though.

so it looked really bad.

i wish i wasnt so fat.

maybe it could make things better.

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[05 Oct 2003|06:42pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | Build Me Up Buttercup - Random Punk Cover ]

i took a bath.

baths are fun.

i hate people.

but i like baths. and coloring.

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[04 Oct 2003|07:13pm]
[ mood | cranky ]
[ music | Missing - Evanescence ]

drew Fou-Lu and Rei on my wall. i like them. theyre my heros.

i feel very alone. and cold.

oh well. again with how no one cares.

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isnt something missing...isnt someone missing me? even though i sacrifice, you wont try for me... [02 Oct 2003|06:55pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | Missing - Evanescence ]

i drew stuff on my wall today. then i colored it.

its pretty. i like it. makes me feel good.

i took piccytures of it. maybe ill put them up.

its just of my most recent drawing though. the one of zak looking dazed and confused when being in his german dialougness. o.o


well. there it is. its kind of next to my bed. i wanted to do the whole thing but its too much effort so thats all i did.

im planning on doing other ones in my room at some point.

well yeah. today sucked. every day sucks now. but oh well. not like it matters.

no one cares.

hm. im putting the gay picture jeremy took of me on the phone with zak with my cool bra and my snuggly care bear. yeap. its amusingly gay. i look bad in it. well i always do but exceptionally so in this.

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now shes all alone her eyes they drown in tears their love was meant to last... [30 Sep 2003|06:32pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | Your Star - The All-American Rejects ]

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[30 Sep 2003|03:18pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | Painted On My Heart - The Cult ]

i sat around doing nothing all day really. just thought. didn't do much else.

not much else to say. didn't want to have a breakdown at school or anything; which it was a good thing i stayed home since i had a couple.

oh well. im trying to be okay.

scratch that. i think im worse now. fuck. why does this always happen to me.

i dont want to loose you.

im not giving up.

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