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2007.06.23 15.03 erm... .... I wasn't done writing yet!?!^&%@*^$^*@ XD Although I don't have much to say right now.... so maybe I really was done? Blurty you know me better than I know myself!! Oh, wait, I do have something to say. My best friend Autsy got me onto MySpace so if you're interested in what a Becky-girl is up to (or not since I update that thing as often as, well, almost-never), go see. http://myspace.com/kasandora Mood:  happyMusic: John Mayer - 3x5 |
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2007.06.23 15.03 hello again ^_^ I'm still alive! YAY! |
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2007.06.23 15.03 hello again ^_^ I'm still alive! YAY! |
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2005.07.05 06.06 a few months later.... It's amazing how easily I've gotten over this. Only very rarely do I think about Angelo, and tonight is the first night I've woken up and have found myself unable to fall back asleep because I was thinking of the past, thinking of everything that happened between he and I.
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2005.04.14 13.05 Late last night, I took a little walk before I went to bed. When I came full-circle back to the house, I stopped for a bit and stared at the sky. It was such a beautiful night, and the stars were shining so brightly that I was in complete awe. I stood in front of this house, staring up into the night sky, in the same spot that you proposed to me.
JUST LET IT GO K?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? LUV, ME
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2005.04.12 19.30 Well, here I am in Pennsylvania. I feel oddly calm. It's almost odd enough to be unnerving, if only I weren't feeling so serene. (does that make any sense???) -_-;;;
Today was a wonderful day, and I have actually been in high spirits since I've been here. Except..... today I came across some photographs of Angelo, and it made my heart flutter and my will falter. All of a sudden I remembered what it was like when we were together, the warmth of him, the way I always felt comfortable around him, the way he laughed, the way I could read his every emotion just by looking in his eyes... the way I loved him, so much. I almost started crying, but I made myself put the pictures back in their envelope, and I reminded myself that I will find someone better, someone else to give my kisses and hugs to, someone else to share my heart with, someone else to love, so much. |
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2005.03.09 20.54 I can't do this i can't do this i just can't. i keep smiling and i keep trying SO HARD to smile but i can't. i can't do this. i have to get out of this apartment, i have to get away from him. i still love him so much i can't stand to see him and know that things have fallen so completely apart. i have to get out of here, i have to get out of this state. i have to get so far away from here, so far and maybe my heart can heal. this hurts so bad.
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2005.03.07 16.57 a week later... i have calmed down somewhat. all i can bring myself to say here is that the woman i've been complaining about all this time--Audry--and Angelo have been sleeping together since summer and now she's pregnant with his child. i have forgiven them both, and said as much to each of them. but i cannot even begin to describe how much this hurts. i gave him my absolute unconditional trust, and even in the face of others who were saying "there's something going on between those two," i defended him. i have known him for 6 1/2 years, i never had any reason to doubt him. she kicked her husband out of the house because he was cheating on her, so i thought surely i could trust her because she would never want to put another woman through that kind of pain. they both made a fool of me. they made a mockery of my love. "if nothing changes...." he could not guarantee that i could trust him again. so we are no longer a couple. still living together for now, though, which is fine by me. i have no problems with staying friends with him. but i will eventually be moving out; i plan on going back to school to get my masters.
till next time... |
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2005.02.28 21.54 this can't be real... this can't really be happening. i can't believe... i don't want to believe that what i've been told is true. i want to deny it, i want to pretend i don't know. i can't bring myself to write it here, because writing it means admitting that it's true and i cant' do that. i cant' do that right now.
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2005.02.27 22.12 "We need to talk tomorrow." The way you said that... the way you acted.... So this is it, isn't it. This is gonna be The Talk That Ends It, isn't it. Guess you've got it all worked out I suppose. I wonder who's gonna be the one to move out? I guess I could always go back to PA. I don't have any friends here anyway, except for the people I work with. In PA at least I have Autsy and Kris. Course they both have boyfriends so I'd be a fifth wheel, but there would still be girl's night out. I guess I just keep screwing up. Too lazy, too self-absorbed. You'll probably say I'm too attached to my computer. All of these things are true, of course. What did you say before? "I love you but I can't keep living like this forever." It's hard to spend time cuddling with you when you're asleep when I'm awake. But then I guess it's my fault for staying up so late at night and then sleeping in very late into the morning. You force yourself to stay awake, in case we could spend some time together in the morning but I keep sleeping in so we can't.
you didn't say "i love you too" |
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2005.02.13 03.51 I miss my friends, tonight. I wish that I could gather up all my friends, who are now scattered across the country, and place them all in one spot so that I could go there too and meet with all of them. I would give everyone my bestest biggest hug and I would probably cry a little (but only happy tears!). Just being with all of them again would make me so happy. I don't have any friends in Ohio outside of work... and out of the friends I have at work, none of them are close enough to merit us spending any time together outside of work. So when I'm not at work I'm kind of friend-less. ^^ And yes, online friends are wonderful - and I love you all! - but nothing compares to physically being in the same room together. Ya know? I can't wait until summer... I'm gonna try really hard to get to Tennessee to meet up with a bunch of my online friends. It's a little scary, but really exciting too. I think it'll be a ton of fun, even if I make an idiot of myself (as I have been known to do!). Hmmm... anyway. It's after 4am now and I really should get some sleep. "Audry's" is marked on the calendar for tomorrow, but hopefully it doesn't involve me. I've been avoiding going over to her place ever since the whole thing with her van happened. It just made me so mad that I can't stand to be around her. She annoys me. Oh, and her van is fixed now and Angelo is back to being home so that we get to spend time together again! We went out this past Wednesday since we both had the day off; I was a happy Becky. I guess things are back to normal now. So no more rocking the boat!!!!! >.> |
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2005.02.06 00.35 I get so mad... when I see her van here, or every time she calls (especially when she leaves a message). I get so irritated, and I've decided that I really just can't stand her at all. It's so selfish and stupid. Why am I so jealous? I talk like she's here all the time and that she's always calling. It's really not that bad... in my anger I exaggerate things. ..... I guess I'm so jealous because I want his attention. We get to spend so little time together, that I get jealous of anyone else who I feel gets more time with him than I do. It makes me mad to think that she might know more about him and what's going on with him than I do. It makes me mad to think (to know, really) that she spends more time with him than I do. But what... can I do? I can't even begin to find the words to say how I feel... and even if I could, nothing would change. I want.. the simple things. I want a hug when I come home from work. But since you work 3rd shift, you're usually sleeping when I come home and you don't wake up until 10-15 minutes before you have to leave for work. And then because I'm depressed, I stay online all night and am sleeping when you come home in the morning. I'm so tired of being lonely. |
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2005.01.12 13.34 Audry's van has been broken for over a week now. This entire past week, Angelo has been at her place, occasionally coming home to sleep, so that he can pick up her daughter from school, take Audry in to work, etc. Her van was supposed to be fixed Friday. So they go in, and they say it won't be ready until Monday. ARGH... ok, fine, another 2 days of this, I guess I can handle it. Monday finally finds its way into existance, the place calls Audry, but she doesn't know it because she was sleeping (she works 3rd shift, same as Angelo). >.< SO THEN it's Tuesday, she goes in to pick up her now fixed van, aaaaand..... it won't start. They had it running, drove it around, no problems - when she tries to start it to take it home, there's just nothing. WHAT GOD(S) HAVE I PISSED OFF. I swear, if I have to go through ANOTHER week of this, I'm going to go crazy. Scratch that, I've already gone crazy. If I have to go through ANOTHER week of this, I'm going to scream. Scratch that again. I think I'll just start screaming now.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Unfortunately I can't do that in-real-life, because I have a cold which has pounded me to the ground with such horrible congestion and a sore throat; the fever stage is finally over, thankfully. On top of that, my body began punishing me for not being pregnant yet again starting on Sunday/Monday. OH THE JOYS OF BEING FEMALE.
So let's re-cap. I'm cranky because Angelo has been stolen from me for over a week and for who knows how much longer, I'm cranky because I have a horrible cold, and I'm cranky because I have cramps. Somehow, as I reread this before clicking the lovely white "Update Journal" button, I feel slightly amused by the whole thing. I never used to believe that saying that "things always happen in 3's" but maybe I should start? |
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2005.01.04 17.50 serious thoughts She likes horror movies. I don't. She has real hardships. I'm just a prissy pampered whiner.
There are so many reasons why she's better than I am. But I'm the one wearing your ring, right? So why are you always over at her place? Yeah, I know there's nothing going on, I know you better than that. It's just that there's always something she needs.... a babysitter when there's no one to watch her kids, or someone to drive when her van breaks down (which it seems to do a lot of), or someone she can flirt with to drive her soon-to-be-ex-husband crazy >.> I'm pretty damn jealous that she seems to get most of your time. I'm more than a little saddened by it, too. But how do I even begin to explain it in a way that doesn't make me seem like a selfish bitch? She's a friend in need who you're helping out. But I really despise her sometimes. |
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2004.12.16 11.00 it's hard work to keep fighting my way back up.
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2004.12.08 15.27 I know it's a little early, but here's my New Year's resolution:
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2004.12.04 23.06 *sigh* I just miss spending time with you. I don't care what it is that we're doing, as long as I'm with you. If I can't even spend any time with you, then what's the point? All it does is make me sad. Why does everyone else get your time except for me? It used to just be that you were always at Audry's, babysitting or helping with something-or-another or just visiting, but now on top of that you hang out with Jeremiah a lot. How is it that you can make time for them and keep yourself awake during the day so that you can do those things, but you don't make any time for me? When I come home at night, depending on the shift I've worked, sometimes you are awake. But you're also half-asleep, because you were doing something with someone all day, and now you are uber tired and must get a 2 or 3 hour nap before work. I hate coming home to find you asleep. When I come home I want to be able to pounce you and hug you so tight... and if I've had a bad day, I want to be able to fall into your arms and cry all the stress away. Instead I just end up crying alone. |
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2004.12.04 22.23 I guess first thing I should do is talk to Angelo. But... what would I say? And how would I even say it? I'm so insecure, so unsure of myself and everything, I just need his reassurance. I need his attention. I need to be able to say to him, "I need you to pay more attention to me" but I'm not the kind of person who can say things like that without feeling guilty about it. I feel guilty for asking for things... I'm weird like that. It's because I feel like I'm being selfish. I'm the kind of person who generally tries to think of others first... before I do something, I think about them and what they might want or need, and I try to act according to that. So, it's hard for me to just be myself because I'm always trying to be what I think everyone else wants me to be. *whew!* It's hard work, but throughout my life I've always been able to find people who I can be myself around so that takes away a lot of the pressure. I REALLY DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE I KNOW. But this is the way that I am, take it or leave it.
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2004.12.04 20.35 I really need to figure this all out somehow. But the problem is, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't WANT to deal with it, I just want to ignore it all. I'm horrible at facing my problems, but I'm super-good at running away. I've always been that way, though; I've always just ignored things and then when I get all depressed and shit I have trouble figuring out why. Well, duh Becky, if you had just faced stuff instead of ignoring it then you would very easily know what the trouble is
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2004.12.03 16.06 ok maybe not. OH MY STARS. did i ever mention that i'm absolutely horrible at making decisions?? i fret and fret over what's the best choice to make. WHY CANT' I EVER JUST DO SOMETHING AND BE DONE WITH IT.
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2004.12.03 15.44 It's time that I quit pretending... I realize that now. Angelo has given up on me. I give up on me too. I give up on living.
Goodbye. |
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2004.12.02 01.46 argh. I think I'm just gonna go ahead and do it. Nobody gives a freakin care anyway, so why should it matter. I'll write my letters, do everything just as planned. I'm sick of all this bullshit. No matter what I try or what I do it all turns out the same way in the end. I'm sick of caring for everyone else when no one gives a damn about me. So I started -not- caring about everyone else, and yet I still feel like shit. Whether I care about others or not, it's all the same because they don't change either. And no one's going to change and I'm not going to change. There's got to be a tie-breaker.
I'm sure I'll change my mind later. And I'm sure I'll be here again to write about something else. Well, yeah, I'll be back. Because this is where I'm going to put one of my letters. In which case, my next post will tell all. |
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crushed |
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2004.11.26 23.31 heh. [insert complaint about lack of something or other and/or pointlessness of existance] wah wah wah wah sob cry whine wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah sob cry whine wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah sob cry whine wah wah wa--
*slaps self* PLEASE SHUT UP NOW OK |
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okay |
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2004.11.23 00.39 ... I'm a breath away from crossing the line to a side of myself that I haven't been to in several years. And it's a bad thing. And it scares me. But what can I do? There's no escape from a one-way street, unless you break the rules and turn around. But I've never been much of a rule-breaker. I'm always too afraid of getting caught.
"I'm never speaking up again. It only hurts me. |
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2004.11.05 01.43 ^_^ there have been good things all-around, so I'm not worried anymore, and I'm not going to worry anymore. well... maybe i'll worry a little. ^_~ but it's the good kind of worrying, not the obsessive worrying that i normally am prone to (it will be hard work to not revert, though!). halloween was a lot of fun - went out with friends and had a wonderful time at a bar (typical me was the designated driver). anniversary-ness with angelo was good as well. not much else to say, i guess. ho-hum. ^^;;;
i need to sleep. *THUD* |
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