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jer

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guess who is back [12 Oct 2003|03:05pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | three days grace- I hate ( i hate everything about you) ]

Long time no update........................i would like to say that i haven't had time to update but that would be a lie. I have just been lazy. Lots of stuff has been happening the past few weeks, some good some bad. the bad me and my mom have been fighting alot, and she wants to move, stuff. because " the town is getting to bad" i have mixed feelings about that.............. i found out that one my my friends had something wrong with him and it might have been cancer but i don't know, he had a surgery but i don't know anything about it really, last night i was really scary, i was on 94 going into the city and i it was raining and windy and i went to hit the gas and my back end just came around and spun around.........i was so scared and i am so lucky that it was at 12 in the morning and no one was really around, i didn't hit anything thank god, i am really lucky. For the good, because of my experience last night, my veiws on certain things have changed. For the past week i have been talking to someone and they are really cool to talk to, for once some actaully sees where i am comming from. I get this feeling that i have known her for ever which is cool but weird at the same time but a good weird non the less. hmmm what else is there......................oh yeah i am selling my truck so if anyone wants to buy it or knows anyone that wants too let me know!!!!! that about it, i guess i guess i will be going. talk to you all later

1 Say Goodbye To A Tangerine Sky

i hate this [30 Sep 2003|10:54pm]
i hate my life......... i can't stress this enough. it is like i am invisible, and the only time people see me is to make fun of me or something. I feel like shit, i hate this i feel used. i am so bored............. everyone says don't wish that you are like everyone else. Why the fuck not?? Shit everyone else seems to be alot happier then me right now. it is like just because i didn't graduate on time or with my "friends" i am weird or my diploma isn't good as theirs. They talk down to me for it too. Or because i am not in college yet. i know the reasons why they are like this but i don't need people makeing me feel like shit. "start over" , " Be happy" , this is what people tell me and i try and 9/10 times it is those very same people that make me feel like shit. I bet i am gonna get some hate comments on this entry, because people have their own views on my life that they think are just so important that they have to comment on my journal instead of finding me and telling me to my face. i sign on aim and msn for what? no one im's me. I am the one that has to im people and it feels like i am forceing someone to talk to me. Thats only if someone is actually on..............i am the only one with out a life, isn't that right Chris and Jeff. They fucking hang out together and then tell me how i should have been there......... and i am like why didn't you call me or ask me.
1 Say Goodbye To A Tangerine Sky

blah [25 Sep 2003|01:46pm]
blah to work i had to get up at 8 oh my i hacen't got up this earlie in like forever, i should still be asleep right now. i have so much to do i am on break right now. yeah i can't wait till i get payed. i need some dead presidents. kmk comes to town on the 30th and i need money for the concert it is 35 for a tivket but well worth it. blah my srh hat isn't gonna come because they sent me a email saying that they were sold out so i have to wait, i hate waiting.
Tangerine Sky

[24 Sep 2003|01:19am]
i can't sleep....... i can never sleep. so lynsey im's me and it was a real "fun" conversation she she was totaly bitchy, and i didn't want to fight and i was tired so i said i was gonna go take a nap and i come back a few hours later and she is on so i im her and she blocks me and i go on 5 different names and try to talk to her and she blocks me. i don't know what the fuck is going on. one minute she im's me and wants to talk and the next she blocks me and won't talk to me. i fucking give up on her! i Try so hard and i don't know why, no one is willing to try with me. i am fighting a lossing battle. People like me don't have girlfriends, they die alone. i am so tired and i can't sleep.
Tangerine Sky

[23 Sep 2003|01:15am]
i am drinking chocolate milk i feel like i am 5, i think that is the last time i had it. neways i am so bored it is like 1:15 am and i am talking to brianna right now........... she is the only one i talked today actually. it is 1:55 and now i am bored. i need sleep
Tangerine Sky

someday [20 Sep 2003|09:10pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | nickleback- someday ]

tonight i feel like shit.......... depressed most of all. i am always depressed and i talk about it like i am always happy. But i have gotten good at hiding it and acting happy. i am just so unhappy and i don't know what it is like to be generally happy. I thought if i acted like i was dead the pain that i have for lynsey would go away but it didn't, it made it hurt even more! Even things with my mom are getting harder to deal with. i just want some thing to take me away from all of this. i Drive around and hope that a drunk driver would like hit me or something. i wanted so much more then what i got. not like it matters, to anyone but all i wanted was to accepted and it doesn't seem like i am. i was always cast down apon, something negative was always geared toword me. Even if i did nothing to deserve it. right now i don't know what i do. Medication does nothing but make me sick and talking to " professionals" doesn't do anything but make me feel even more and more confused. How can some that doesn't know you or lived in your shoes, listen to you for 4 mins and put you and medication and tell you what you need to do to get better. being at home doesn't make me happy, being out with friends tends to make me depressed because i rather be with someone else, and driving around is boreing because i don't have anyone to drive around with. it is like a lose lose situation no matter what i do i am not happy. And the things that do make me happy i can't do. i just not know what to do. i don't like to sleep anymore because of the dreams i have......... In them it is like everything is great my life isn't fucked up i have everything going for me, then i wake up and i have nothing, it is like i get all built up and then i wake up and i get heart broken. so i don't deal with that and i stay awake as long as possible. i come online in hopes that i won't be alone but i am, no one really cares that i am online. i have to im everyone and to talk and they don't really care i guess i bother everyone, which is another point to why i want to go away. everyone keeps asking me about school and i don't know what to say............i lost interest in it.


"Someday"

How the hell did we wind up like this
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists
And unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
Dont think its too late

Nothin's wrong
just as long as
you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Well i hoped that since we're here anyway
We could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up stringing
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Lets rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a hollywood horror

Nothin's wrong
just as long as
you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)

[Solo]

How the hell did we wind up like this
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Lets rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a hollywood horror

Nothin's wrong
just as long as
you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when

1 Say Goodbye To A Tangerine Sky

[20 Sep 2003|02:43pm]
last night i went to a concert, with smith. We saw local h, love hammers, and sullen. love hammers were really good, sullen was kinda bad but the chick in the group was fucking hot!, local h kicked ass. we were in the front the whole night and next to the speaker...........not good i am deaf right now. but it is all good. I got a drum stick from the drummer of the love hammers he kicked major ass! i am bored right now and lonely, no one cares and i wish i didn't but i do. i don't know what to do!
Tangerine Sky

[16 Sep 2003|05:09pm]
ever do something or said something that really didn't mean but yet dont know why you said it? and no matter how much you hate your self for it and want to take it back and apologize the person won't let you? I went in to lynseys profile to see if anything changed and this is that i found


"I hope that u and me will forever be! JONNY!



jonny,
You are my bestfriend, my boyfriend, my everything. you been there for me throu good times and bad. I dont want to lose you, your my everything, i dont know where i would be without you. You have changed me in many ways, i will never leave you. My love for you will last a lifetime, I LOVE YOU always, i love you"

lynsey


I instantly broke down.... i am still crushed. this is one of those thing that i wish i didn't do. She used to say all those things to me. She moved on. i am nothing to her. all because of what i did, and i won't get a chance to apologize.
2 Say Goodbye To A Tangerine Sky

nothing to do [15 Sep 2003|10:05pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | endo- clean sheets ]

i haven't really slept in two days........ i actually fell sleep last night for about a hour but i had a really bad nightmare. I was at lynseys house and everything was cool, her parents went someplace and it was just me and her. she asked me to go down stairs with her to do something on the computer and i was sitting at the computer and she walk behind me and took a baseball bat and hit me on the back of my head. I came too and i was tied up and she was yelling at me crying, telling me how much i fucked her up and how she hated me and we went and she got a gun and pointed it at me and i tried to get her to stop and she shoot me in the head. after that i woke up and i couldn't get back to sleep. i don't know why i do the things i do. i honestly don't. it scares me sometimes......... i don't mean to hurt anyone or fuck anything up but i do everytime. my mom doesn't want me to die but she makes me feel like shit. she makes me feel really bad that i didn't go trough with it. I think staying here hurts more then dieng. i get sick and really depressed when i am around her but i can't leave and i want to so bad, i want to leave and never look back. jus forget about everything and everyone but i can't. is it not enought hat i have to live this life that have i have to have any one and everyone make me feel like shit. and people don't have to say anything or do anything i can just be in a room with htem and they can make me feel like shit. it is like a am afraid of people. i am so afraid of getting hurt that i end up hurting someone that doesn't deserve it and i do it on accident and i try to apologize and they spit in my face. i just don't know anymore, things are getting worse instead of better and there is nothing i can do. i wish God would come and explain why he is fucking with me. Why he gives me things and when i get used to haveing them around he takes them away from me.

Tangerine Sky

[15 Sep 2003|05:12am]
i can't sleep so i am up playing games on yahoo, i have been doing alot of thinking and i feel like shit
1 Say Goodbye To A Tangerine Sky

[14 Sep 2003|08:32pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | simple plan- perfect ]

Perfect"

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
====================================

I have been listening to this song alot today. Just another one of those songs that you relate to when you are depressed.

Tangerine Sky

just another fucking entry [14 Sep 2003|02:15pm]
hmmmmmm no one seems to have the balls to comment on that entry that i called them out on.............. fucking cum loveing whores!!!!!!!! NEWAYS........... i am bored like normal, i got my truck back from the shop finaly, drives like a fucking dream. i need to get the chrome re done on the front end, and new paint. i have been listening to rap alot lately, last night i listen to bone and twista, now i am listening to eminem and Dr. Dre, where the mother fucks that forgot about dre? My mom ordered my srh hat but i have to wait like forever to get it because they are out of stock..........GRRRRRRRR! i don't know what to say really i am talking to some one that totaly gets me..... it is kinda weird because we pretty much lived the same life at the same time
Tangerine Sky

"I wish" [11 Sep 2003|11:43pm]
I wish i was invisible,

so no one could see me crying.

I wish i was invisble,

so no one could hurt me.

I wish i was invisible,

so when i looked in the mirror i saw nothing like whats in my heart.

I wish so many things,

nothing likely comming true.

i wish for a better life,

one that is not tarnished.

oh how i wish i knew what to do.

i wish i was never born,

this life so broken and torn.

I wish i knew,

who would morn if i were in fact gone.

I wish this life,

wasn't such a said song.

soon it will be all gone!
Tangerine Sky

[11 Sep 2003|11:34pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | authority zero- one more minute ]

i have no idea what to do......... i am so unhappy. I wake up go to work come home and do noting for the rest of the night, on weekends that i don't work i sit at home and do nothing. or i go for a ride and that gets old because there is no where to go and i am always by myself and it gets so boreing. i hate being alone and i always am. It sucks because everyone is so busy with work school and relationships and it is not like i fit in. yeah i work but after that i have nothing. I just wish i had what they have. I can't start school till december but after that i have to quite because i am gonna be going to different school i won't have time so it is gonna end up like high school wake up go to school come home and be alone. i don't want that. i want something that i can go to when i am bored or alone. I just feel so unhappy, my mom makes me feel so guilty that i didn't actually kill my self, and it makes me so depressed. She comes home and gets on the phone and stays on the phone till like 10 and then goes to sleep i eat dinner by my self. i don't know how anyone can like to be alone, i am alone and i hate it.

2 Say Goodbye To A Tangerine Sky

(Anonymous) [08 Sep 2003|05:08pm]
[ mood | PISSED THE FUCK OFF ]

TO THOSE WHO FEEL LIKE POSTING LITTLE COMMENTS THAT THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT UNDER THE (Anonymous) TITLE. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE YOUR LITTLE BULLSHIT ASS COMMENTS? I AM TIRED OF IT...... I HAVE TRIED SO HARD TO MAKE EVERYONE FUCKING HAPPY AND I AM DONE. I DON'T DO ANYTHING TO ANYONE AND I GET FUCKS AND TALKED TO TOO THEN ONCE I STAND UP AND FIGHT BACK EVERYONE TURNS AROUND AND SAYS I STARTED IT. FUCK YOU FUCK EVERYONE THAT DOESN'T FUCKING LIKE ME, IF YOU HAVE SHIT TO SAY COME SAY IT TO MY FACE, DON'T SIT THERE ON YOUR FUCKING COMPUTER AND TYPE SHIT, COME RIGHT UP TO ME AND SAY IT AND WE WILL SETTLE THIS SHIT RIGHT THERE AND THEN. I AM NOT THE PERSON YOU ALL THINK I AM YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I CAPABLE OF DOING, I HAVE NOTHING TO FUCKING LOSE SO I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. YOU WANT TO TALK TO THAT SHIT WELL HEAR GIVE ME A CALL 708- 692-5335 YOU LITTLE PUNK ASS FUCKING FAGS!!!!!!!! IF THIS IS LYNSEY........FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING CUNT, I FUCKING HATE YOU, I HATE EVRYTHING ABOUT YOU! IF THIS IS HER FAMILY FUCK YOU TOO, YOU DIDNT' HELP SHIT, YOU CAN'T HELP YOUR SELVES HOW THE FUCK TO EXPECT TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE. IF THIS IS HER FRIENDS OR BOYFRIEND, FUCK ALL OF YOU. IF THIS IS SAMANTHA FUCK YOU, YOU CUNT LICKING BITCH. IF THIS IS ANYONE FROM NORTH WANTS TO TALK TO SHIT, FUCK ALL OF YOU, YOUR AREN'T SHIT TO ME OR ANYONE. I WOULD PISS ON ANYOF YOU IF YOU WERE ON FIRE! YU ALL CAN KISS MY ASS!

Tangerine Sky

[07 Sep 2003|01:13pm]
i haven't wrote in here for a while, hmmmmm what has been going on in my life and head? I am now dead to lynsey and her family and her friends. I faked my death so she would leave me alone and so that the both of us could move on. Ever spend so much time with someone and you totaly get along with them then you like break up and everything gets fucked up and you still feel for that person and it rips you apart talking that perosn knowing what you had and seeing that they don't care? That how is was with her, she kept lying to me to spare my feelings but all it did was rip me apart even more when i found out she was lying. i have come to the point to were i can't trust girls. I have dated the "wrong ones" and they totaly fucked my head up. It is like they all lie to me. I don't know what to believe anymore. My home is didn't get any better either. My mom is constantly depressed and she is giving my dog away and now i will be alone all day. I would try to hang out with my friends but i can't. My friends are all busy with things i wish i had but can't seem to get even though i try so hard. No matter how hard i try i still get nowhere. i just don't know anymore! If you know please tell me, i could use some help!!!
2 Say Goodbye To A Tangerine Sky

[05 Sep 2003|12:04am]
bored what else is new
Tangerine Sky

[02 Sep 2003|02:35am]
I am listening to saturday night fever sound track..... good shit! some crazy shit has been going on lately, and i am not to sure what to say about it. single once again, i swear i have to have set a record, or something! i don't know maybe it is the best. I faked my own death to my EX girlfriends lynsey so she would leave me alone. She kept giving out my screen name to her friends so they would im me and harass me and i got sick of it and everyime i would block them they would find way to get around it so i staged everything. i wrote a note and sent it to her and i called her and said my good byes layed low for a few days and then had one of my friends tell her i was gone and then i went one my one name and she im'd me and i acted like my sister and i set it all off. Pretty swift i tricked her mom, dad, brother, and her. They are fucking dumb they called the cops and they came to my house but nothing happen. If some one told you that some was dead would you call the cops to see if they are ok? makes no sense they are fucking dumb! Whatever i am so glade that she is out of my life but i am alone now and it sucks but i guess that is something that i am just gonna have to deal with, untile i can find someone else. i seem to date the wrong people and they end up being total ass holes and it doesn't work for shit! It pisses me off so much!
1 Say Goodbye To A Tangerine Sky

please respond to this [30 Aug 2003|08:49pm]
Why do people have to let me think that i actually have gotten ahead just o take it away from me? everytime i think that i am doing better they push me down and kick me. I am so alone in this place and there is like nothing i can do to stop it. No matter how hard i try i fail......... I don't want to fail anymore. I just want everything to stop on its own and not have me try to stop things. all i do i make it worse on my self. I have these ideas in my head and i feel that they would work but no one wants to listen to me and try them out with me. Everytime i fall down i get back up........ maybe that is my problem i get up! I should just stay down and fade away. Wait i can't because if i did that then it would be considerd suicide and i would be put back into a hospital. well maybe i can do it and not get caught? I don't know but it is looking like that is a valuable option for my life.
Tangerine Sky

[13 Aug 2003|11:03pm]
The Science of Selling Yourself Short"

I've come to my senses,
That I've become senseless,
I could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships,
Every last conviction, I smoked them all away,
I drank my frustrations down the drain, out of the way,
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
Someone so tired of their routines and disappearing self-esteems,

[Chorus:]
I'll sing along,
Yeah with every emergency,
Just sing along,
I'm the king of catastrophies,
I'm so far gone,
That deep down inside I think it's fine by me,
I'm my own worst enemy

I could be an expert on co-dependency,
I could write the best book on underage tragedy,
I've been spending my time at the local liquor store,
I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor,
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
I'm so over-dosed on apathy and burnt out on sympathy.

[Chorus]

Let the meaning slip away
Lost my faith in another day,
Self deprication seems okay,
I never thought I'd make it anyway

[Chorus]

I'm my own worst enemy [x5]
Tangerine Sky

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