Jae's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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[20 Jan 2005|07:09pm]
its been so hectic with school and ive been feeling really overloaded and things between me and nate have been AWFUL i think we are headed for a break up. Im pretty upset about it but on another hand im not upset because it just feels like things have been so bad for so long it doesnt really make a difference and im falling out of love with him

because we went through the whole thing with my x for like 3 or more months then stuff with him now that its all cleared up for like almost 3 months now it started in november and now its january so i think its just like half of the relationship now and i just need someone to be their for me and hes not and hasnt been for awhile and since my problems are "in my head" he says their is nothing wrong but oh man thier is and the sooner he realizes it the better we will be


[13 Jan 2005|02:45am]
umm kay today wasnt that great, me and nate got into a huge fight and hes being dumb. He has all these issues with me and i with him and were not hearing each other cuz we both want to express how we feel so we talk over each other. Somethings going to get better with it i just know it but, i dont know whats going to happen but im going to go for the moment i have to get to beddy bye

thinking [12 Jan 2005|03:06am]
I'm sitting here thinking and as I'm going through the list of reasons why I have to do this for my self it got me thinking. and so here's the entry where I rant off into something no one should understand but me

I guess I didn't see the mess that was made. False parenting left me denying my self to me but amongst the still waters that I wade deeper into I failed to realize who I was doing this for and through the adolescent years and the strife from my peers I emerged new again, beautiful and new, just a little used. So tell me again why I should fail and I will show you a million reasons why I can succeed tell me again who do you think I'm doing this for?! Tell me ill fail and a new day will unvail with me standing even stronger!
Amongst the heart ache and the demise that sent me ricocheting off the edge of this thing called life and amongst the shattered pieces I fit my self a new and learn to stand alone in the sand doing none of this for you.but even though I try I never will fly but still I can choose because I don't ever want to be you! I'm going to fight tooth and nail until I prevail and up from the ashes the stone will arise and why because theirs nothing left to do but fight.

this is not a poem although; it sounds like it I'm much better at poetry its how I feel so many times I've had to deal with things changing and getting harder and had to come out of it stronger and now that it all means something I know I have to prove it to no one but my self I am able, and ready. With THE LORD BY MY SIDE I CAN MOVE A MOUNTAIN!

just usless info [11 Jan 2005|04:53pm]
Things i want to do
* my hope to pamper list*
1. Get new clothes X ::hopes::
2. Go Tanning
3. Get my nails done
4. Get a change purse
5. Maybe even a new purse

*things i need badly*
1. Books for class's
2. Back pack
3. My lic back and take a trip to sec of state
4. Sleeping pills
5. Notebooks, folders, pens and pencils
6. My computer
7. things in need but dont yet know about
8. To just relax
9. A JOB

Songs i want on a CD
1. Hillary duff: Fly
2. Threedays grace: Home
3. Ryan Caberera: True
4. Avril lavigne: home
5. Dido: White flag

i have to go ill put the rest in later

out with the old and in with the new [10 Jan 2005|11:15pm]
Gosh im such a pack rat...i keep everything but i have realized my old fashion is nothing to be excited about. i start college and i dont want to look 12 anymore i want to look 18 and alot of it has to do with my clothing style. I have to convince my self ghetto is NOT IN. But oh well im going to try the prep approach and see how i like that because to be honest, im not really finding anything i like online anyways but as far as this is going im going to be suprised to find maybe i might like something out side my box and nate is the BIGGEST MOST AWSOMEST SWEET HEART for buying me new school clothes, and...you know me im going to get off the 50% of racks because the more the better and the cheaper the more u get so its just better! lol...im a dork. So every thing is in order and im cool on everything i dont get to start school next week through i start in Feb but thats alright too. But ne whooie im gonna get going...stuffs to do

events [07 Jan 2005|04:53pm]
Well today was eventful, i guess
i got up at 10 and went to Mott because i thought it would all be done today whelp its not... i took my entrance exam thats it and i got my orientation set for monday which ill be a week behind now and my F. Aid should be through on Wed and then i file for T.I.P any ways its long and drawn out and next semester i will do this way ahead of time anyways... i need to see my baby boy today i miss him so frikn much. I love him and its going to be so difficult for us to see each other except on weekends when hes working and im in school which will be not this coming up monday but next monday. We will get through it i am just waiting to see how it all works out, people do it...i know they do i just wont have much free time like i didnt have when i was going to school except for the occasional weekend here and their but thats no biggy really. We will manage because i will eventually have a great job. I want to minor in crimianl law i think right now i dont know what i want to major in but i have more than a year to think about it i am excited as well as nervous, ive never done ANYTHING on my own and this is like one of the biggest steps ive ever done by my self. I just am afraid of not being ready to take it on and i know it will be different than high school just not sure if it will be better or worse. I have a LOT of time to just sit and chill now well, a weeks not a lot of time but enough were i should be alright.

im off to do things IXI

love youzzz always jae!

[05 Jan 2005|04:01am]
I made the most awsomeist layout ever!! yay go me! no silly not for me no one ever likes my own layouts but im not even done with mine it takes days for me to get mine right but 20 minutes and i made one so perfect whoot whoot.

Me and nate got into this blow out fight well see how it turns out and if shit changes or not

Tomorrow i need to

Go to Mott
DEB and joann fabrics with mother
See nate
Sleep a little since ive been up all night
Make taco salad!! another whoot whoot
and then ugh idfk... well see how it goes after the sleep part really

well love ya lots i need to go off to make me a sexhy layout

VENTING [03 Jan 2005|07:27pm]
Alright its been awhile since i just wrote in here...well not that long but for me it seems as a life time i guess its alright things have been so so nothing wrong but nothing great either. I know it can get worse and most likely will so im not going to waste my time complaining over something that has not happened yet. I guess things with me and nate are iffy on my end...i dont even want to ride in the car with him anymore because if i end up making him mad while hes driving he almost kills me in the car and i cant tell you how mad that makes me seriously i just want to blast him in his face so hard his nose will break in 20 places and kick the shit out of him when he does it im terified to drive and have been since my last accident and well, him driving that way makes me flip and fear for my safety, not only that but when he gets angry he throws tantrums these huge uncalled for tantrums...and it makes me wonder why we are together in the first place if hes going to scream at me over little things, he needs angermanagement, yes and dont think this recently happened nope it happened like 3 days ago and im still as angry as i was then go figure, its not like he gives a shit, oh and another thing just because i have no job right now because IM STARTING COLLEGE does not make it right for him to tell me that "oh well it must be nice to sleep in because you know i work all day" or "its my money i work my ass off what do you do" or "go do this for me i work all day" yea and i dont ask for a fucking cent of his money half the time he buys me stuff thats way to much for his budget and i dont want it...im a cheap person...i like cheap clothes, cheap perfume, cheap but WARM jackets, and i dont like suprise gifts that i cant use because the smell makes me want to vomit but he cant just let me pick shit out and for some reason he thinks i dont appericate what he busy me and you know maybe i would if he ever bought me ANYTHING i really wanted or needed that was ON SALE. I have lived poor for so long i hate to watch people be frivalous with money...it makes me want to rip my hair out and if thats not bad enough he tells me how much the shit is he buys me and all the stupid meaningless things he buys that he cant afford, maybe if he put some of it in the bank he might be able to get shit he wants with out being broke after two days. Hes not going to be able to lean on his grandparents forever and maybe he needs to stop doing it now and see what its like to be grown up, maybe im just angry because i never got to just piss my money away because i had to have every sent of it go to shit i didnt even see any of my pay checks and he gets to spend $600 on useless shit and when he blows it in two days he gets money handed to him every other day....and he is grown up PSSH...no. I always wanted it like that but it never was like that and he never understands how much that stuff bothers me JUST DONT TELL ME WHAT U SPENT UR MONEY ON. if it truly was not my business then he shouldnt tell me.

Maybe its just me about to have my period but i dont know how much more of him i can take, he is vindictave, he scares me, hes started hitting (like in my leg but he hurts me and its not right), screaming like a jack ass at the top of his lungs, talks to people i ask him not to, bitches when i say something because he thinks hes so perfect and nothing should EVER be said to him...i dont want someone who expects me to change and wont cange for me...so here i go back to being the distant bitch since the changes he wanted me to change just made him worse and didnt help and he wont change. Hes only nice to me like that when im a bitch and id rather have it that way i refuse to let him ruin another one of my weeks like he did this one!


[30 Jul 2004|05:30am]

AFFECTIVE 7/30/2004 Not Friends Only
let me explain what this is, its 1/2 friends only-
im going to write in my journal a week and keep it public
every week im going to make last weeks friends only
so that my friends who have other journal accounts can
read them for the week and the ppl on my friends list it
just wont change. Meaning if you dont have a blurty you will only
ever see a weeks worth of entrys.
1. be nice no one likes a stinker
2. Comment you dont have to do it non stop but do it sometimes
cuz i will remove you if you dont.
3. I love to comment on your journals so..write in it like once a week
or once every two weeks at lest


K thank you Jean-na
p.s. i do privatize personal things so please understand.

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