JOEL MADDEN @ BLURTY DOT COM

Thursday, 04Sep03 :: 11:38am

mood

bored

( Community moved. My journal is now located here.. joel__m@unlimtedrpg. )

Thursday, 28Aug03 :: 01:40pm
Jenny Jooonneess...

mood :: accomplished

music :: Brand New - The No Seatbelt Song

"So let me get this straight. You two broke up, he went and slept with another woman and got her pregnant. And you went and slept with another man and got yourself pregnant."

HAHAHA. Why the fuck am I watching Jenny Jones.

So last night me and Mandy celebrated our anniversary. If you want to read the details you can head on over to her journal and read about it. I was playin' video games in the den when she came home. I was so fuckin' excited when I saw her. We played video games for a few minutes, then shoved flashlights down each other pants.. well.. my pants and her shirt. Uh, don't ask. Then she asked me about the surprise I had planned and asked if I really had something planned. I think I answered with "Nah I'm just winging it" and put the blindfold on her. Truth is is that I'd been planning this thing all day, well.. the actual uh preparations started that day. Thinkin' about it and planning it in my head has been goin' on since our anniversary night.

But yeah, so there was a boat and candles. I drove the boat out into the middle of the water. I made an Italian dinner for us with cheesecake and grape juice. I decided on Italian cause our first date was to an Italian restaurant. So it made sense.. but who knew I could cook. We went swimming too. That was her idea. It was kinda cold out there, but it was hella fun. The stars were incredily bright, but you know Mandy was the most beautiful thing out there. When she saw everything I'd done for her the face she made was priceless. It was a look of being completely astounded/blown away. I should start doing things like this more often just so I can see that face. Haha.

After we swam for awhile we went back to the boat and I showed her the bedroom that was covered in rose petals. You have no idea how long it took me to get those and sprinkle them around everywhere. Hah. Anyways, so then when we sat down on the bed and I gave her the actual present. A book I've had for a long fuckin' time. I've never showed it to her before, in fact I've never showed anyone. No matter where I went I kept it with me though. I'm a pretty private guy. I don't always say what's on my mind, but I sure as hell write out. That's what the book was. I picked it up sometime after we got engaged and I started writing in it about her. My thoughts about her, my feelings for her, my worries and fears. Pictures, lyrics, poems.. all of that went in there. I filled it up completely a few days ago, and honestly I didn't have any intentions on giving it to her. Cause.. it's incredibly personal to me. But when I sat down and tried to figure out what kind of gift to give her, that's the only thing that made sense. Sure I thought about jewelry, candy, flowers, stuffed teddy bears and shit.. but none of that was as personal as I wanted her gift to be.

She liked it though. A lot apparently. It even made her cry.. heh. I just hope that when she starts readin' the book she doesn't think I sound like a complete idiot. I love you Sandy.

You know if me and Benj were still doin' the "sappiness points" things I prolly woulda gained like 3,000 last night. Hahah. It was pretty close to perfect I'd say. I'm glad, cause Mandy deserves everything to be perfect.

VMA's are tonight. I'm anxious as fuck. Oh and I don't usually post pictures of myself or whatever. But I want Mandy to see this one...

( as pink as my bumper car )

...

32 comments|post comment

Wednesday, 27Aug03 :: 09:23pm
You take away the old, show me the new...

mood :: happy

music :: Blue October - Calling You

So I'm way over due for an update. I'm gonna try to keep it short though.. just because.. well one, cause I'm tired as fuck. And two, cause I don't want to be sitting here writing an update when Mandy comes home.

Mandy's pregnant. We're having another baby. I can't even really believe it.. yeah, I think I'm still in shock. See a few weeks ago we went to the doctor's office thinkin' she was pregnant, but it turned out she wasn't. I was disappointed, and I know she was. I just remember staring at the doctor and wanting him to check again. I kept asking "are you sure?" over and over again. But yeah, I guess doctor's know something more about that stuff than I do. So it.. well.. sucked. Course as we were walking out of the doctor's office she spotted a sports store, so we went and made use of the equipment for sale. Haha, did I mention she's fun as hell? Anyways back to the baby thing.

I know we're both hoping it's a girl. But we're gonna love it to death either way. He/she is even gonna have two older brother's that are gonna love it to death too. Hell I remember when Sarah was born. Me and Benj would get jealous sometimes, cause she'd always get the attention from people. Pretty typical older sibling type thing I guess. We loved her of course.. in our own way. I remember tryin' to pick her up once and mom started yelling at me to leave her alone. Haha. Speaking of Sarah, I should call her. It's been fuckin' forever since we've talked.

I can't wait to take Mandy to the doctor and get the ultrasound done. To hear it's heartbeat. I can't wait to buy baby clothes and fix up a new nursery room. I can't wait until Mandy's stomach starts showin. To feel the baby's first kick... I can't wait until we're laying in bed and cuddling together, then feelin' the baby kick me in the side or something. It's all those awesome little things that I love. I never even realized how much I missed them until now. But I do miss 'em. Right now I'm nothing but excited about everything that's gonna happen. And I do mean everything. Even the late night food runs.

She pushed me into mud the other night. Heh. The rain was coming down and she caught me totally by surprise and tackled me into the mud. A mud fight broke out of course. She pushed my face into a big fuckin' mud puddle, but I got her back by grabbing her and givin' her a muddy kiss. She loves my kisses. I said mud like 30 fuckin' times in that paragraph.

VMA's are tomorrow.. I can't even begin to explain how nervous I am. Last year I sat at home and watched Benj, Billy, and Paul go. Now I'm gonna be there and it's just really nerve wracking to think about. It's gonna be fun though. I'd be lookin' forward to it if I could just calm my nerves down some. Hopefully we'll take home an award, but I'm not holding my breath on it. I mean, I'm proud of our music and everything. It's just hard to believe that we might actually win something. We'll see I guess. We're up for Best Group Video, Best Rock Video, and Viewer's Choice. It'd be cool to take home Viewer's Choice. Uh, yeah. We're performing too.

Mandy told me she was pregnant on our one-year Wedding Anniversary. Best gift she could've ever gotten me. Seriously after that, she doesn't need to buy me anything else for our anniversary. We still haven't gotten the chance to celebrate it really, unless you count the mud fight. I've been too wrapped up with shit lately. I do have somethin' in mind though, something I've planned out. So hopefully she'll come back soon so I can put this plan into action.

You hear that Mandy?!

Pierre keeps calling me Jo Elmo. Hahah.
Benj needs to quit hatin' on my grill. You love my thuggin' teeth man.
Billy should buy me a Cadillac damnit.

Oh and I fixed up the fittycrew layout. I'm gonna start adding people to it. So if you want in just drop me a line.

:throws up FITTY sign:
I'm out.

21 comments|post comment

Wednesday, 20Aug03 :: 03:02am
Halo...

mood :: tired

I never felt like this with anyone before
you only have to smile and I'm dizzy
you make the world go round
a thousand times an hour
just touch my head
and send me spinning

I never felt like this with anyone before
you show me colors and I'm crying
you hold my eyes in yours
and open up the world
I can't believe all of this

I want to keep this feeling
deep inside of me
I want you always in my heart
you are everything

I never felt like this with anyone before
you fill my head full of rainbows
and all the rainbows end
is every step you take
just to be with you forever

I want to keep this feeling
deep inside of me
I want you always in my heart
you are everything.

I'll write a real update later.

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Wednesday, 06Aug03 :: 02:06pm
Call me a safe bet...

mood :: content

music :: Brand New - The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

Do you ever feel like people are out to kill things for you? Well maybe that's exaggerating it a little. But come on, someone told Matt that me and Jessica were cheating on our partners with each other and someone told Pierre that I hate him.. they're both fucking false. Yeah. Why the hell do people keep spreading lies about me.

When we were in Japan, I got a break from all the work and I called Mandy expectin' to hear her at least a little happy to be hearing from me. But she wasn't.. instead she was quiet and distant. She wouldn't tell me why either, she told me to ask Benj. So that's what I did. Turns out someone started some bullshit rumor or somethin about me and Jess Alba. They told Matt that me and her were more than friends and Matt told Mandy. Yeah, it blew up. I don't even know how or why it got started. So Benj told me he'd cover for me, and I flew back to the States to try to fix things with Mandy. I showed up at her door with my suitcase in hand and she just leaned against the doorframe and looked at me. I don't know if she meant to make me feel un-welcome, but that's what I felt. I knew she was upset though, and as uncomfortable as it was to be standing there while she just stared at me, it's not like I was just gonna walk away and let her stay upset. Especially when it's about somethin that's not even true. She asked me what I was doing there and I explained that I flew in to see her, that I needed to talk to her face to face. She let me inside, and we sat on the couch. I can't even remember what I said now. I was so nervous and pretty tired of always having to apologize for all the bullshit that keeps happening. In all honesty I didn't really have a reason to apologize. I didn't do anything wrong. But Mandy just needed that reassurance.

We kinda talked for a little while and then she made her way upstairs and said she was going to bed. So I pulled out my phone and dialed a few numbers. I talked to Jess and I talked to Matt. Me and Jess just kinda sat there with a "whoa where the hell did this come from" conversation going on. Plus reassuring each other that we wouldn't lose our sig others. With Matt.. he was pretty upset. I explained that me and Jess were just friends and that I didn't know why that rumor got started. I don't know if he believed me or not, he didn't seem to. But I guess that's to be expected. He wouldn't tell me who told him me and Jess were together though. He said, "If it's not true, then why does it matter." ....Heh. It matters cause I'd like to pound my fist into whoever thought it would be funny to fuck things up between me and my wife. For no reason. For absolutely no fucking reason.

After I got off the phone, I made my way upstairs and found Mandy lying in bed with her head buried underneath a pillow. I didn't say anything. I just stepped inside the room and sat down at the end of the bed. I guess she felt the bed move or somethin cause she looked over at me. Then I asked her what she thought of me... eh. If I could take that back I probably would, because the answer is somethin' that killed me.

"I think...I don't know you anymore."

It was like a knife through my chest. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for at least 3 seconds there until I finally answered. I know I've been distant from her in the past, I know I stopped talkin' to her, I'd leave the house, and she wouldn't see me for days. I'd go home, but I'd leave before even saying good morning to her. I know I fucked up. But I'm trying to make up for it. I'm trying to make things right between us. And I'm not gonna rest until we're fine again, until she can look at me and know and trust that I'm always gonna be there for her.

I explained that to her.. then she burst into tears and I rushed over to her side. I pulled her into my arms and I tried my best to reassure her. It's not fair that she has to go through this. It's not fair that we have to be going through this. So many people claim we have the perfect happy marriage and assume that whatever fights we have are solved with a kiss and a cookie or somethin. Sorry but it's not that perfect, we're not that perfect. When people talk about us they make our marriage sound like something off of Leave It To Beaver, but we're more complicated than that. The truth is is that you work hard for what you want, if you want a happy marriage you put in the time and effort and hopefully reap the benefits. We've done that, me and Mandy have put in plenty of time and effort, and we reap the benefits, but that doesn't mean we won't ever hit bumps in the road. And yeah, those bumps can't just be magically fixed with a kiss.

We're doing better though. She proposed to me. Heh. I love her with all of my heart.

We had a good day yesterday. Paul watched the kids.. thanks man. While me and Mandy basically.. ran around and acted like kids. We got this shopping cart and went up to a nearby convenience store. Got a bunch of candy and threw it in, Mandy hopped into the basket and I ran while pushing the cart back to the house. Something was wrong with the cart though cause I kept losing control of it. Hahah. We kinda went out into the street and scared the shit out of Mandy. By the time we got back to the house she was hunched down in the cart, completely covered with the candy and chips we'd gotten.

The next part is kinda hard to explain but I'll do my best. See I was panting from all the running I'd done and she handed me a soda. So I gulped the whole thing down and then Mandy jumped me. And when I say jumped.. I really mean.. jumped. Her legs around my waist and lips on lips. I don't have a clue where that came from, but I wasn't about to argue with her. Then we went inside and.. you can guess what happened. God I love her.

Now I'm gonna talk about Jess. This thing was hella long and she probably won't even read it to see that I wrote somethin' about her here. But's it's cool. I almost feel like I can't say anything about her because of what happened. I don't want to have to feel like I should hide our friendship just so people won't assume that we're fucking behind our partner's backs. So I'm not going to. We're friends, she's quickly becoming one of my closest friends. I'm not really sure how it happened. All I know is that I'm comfortable when I'm around her, I really feel like I've known her for awhile. And because we're both in love with other people, I'm married, she's engaged. I guess it makes it easier to relate to one another. We give each other advice. When one of us is feelin' like shit the other one helps make them feel better. When things have started messing up for me, she was right there reassuring me that Mandy still loves me and wants to be with me. You know, sometimes that's all a guy needs to hear to feel better about his marriage. To hear someone else say that it's gonna be aight. So thanks Jessi. Oh, and congrats to her and Matt on their engagement. I get to be Maid of Honor at her wedding by the way, I'll be there wearing my Vans and a dress down to my ankles. I know you're all jealous.

On a final note. I love Mandy. I think I'll take her out tonight.

You are the smell before rain
You are the blood in my veins

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Thursday, 31Jul03 :: 11:56am
This is where...

mood :: distressed

music :: mb20 - 3am (live)

I want a daughter... heh. I realize that's a pretty unconventional way to start an update, especially with everything going on lately. But I do want one. When I woke up this morning I fed the boys and then I laid a blanket out on the livin' room floor and laid them down on their stomachs. They're at that age now that they can hold their heads up for a good amount of time and look around. So I laid on my side beside them, picked up some toys, and played with them a little. Then I realized somethin. They take after me more than they do Mandy. Sure they have some features that resemble her, but the majority of their looks is like mine. Their facial expressions, the way they both have that lazy-mouthed, crooked grin that's like mine. I hope they get her personality though when they grow up. Cause if they did, everyone would love them. They'd go so fuckin' far in life with a personality like hers. Just like how far she's come. She is the most amazing person I've ever, ever known. I want a daughter.. so everytime I look at her I'll see her mom. So she'll have Mandy's grin and Mandy's hair.. Mandy's lovin' nature, her love for life, her excitement, her ambition, her beautiful face and eyes. I want that. I'm sure she'd have some of my characteristics too, but I hope the majority belongs to Mandy.

We had probably one of the worst fights we've ever had as a married couple. Sad to say, but there really wasn't a point to it. I don't think I wanna go into detail about it. I was a jag off. I hurt her and I made her angry. Truth be told I've never seen her that angry. I wanted her to be angry at me though, which I know sounds so fuckin' stupid right now, but at the time it made sense. I was selfish. Plain and simple, selfish.. and I hurt her in the process. I've cried so much the past few days, I'm hurt, and it hurts me worse knowing that I've hurt her. I've never had somethin' affect me so much as this whole thing has and I'm sure she feels the same way.

I get a pain in my chest everytime I go over in my head what happened that day. How she looked at me so angry, so fuckin' hurt. How I couldn't make it better cause I was the one who caused it. How when I tried to touch her she'd back away. How swollen and red her eyes got from cryin' so hard, and how sometimes I know she couldn't stand to look at me. I kept talking and talking, but she wouldn't answer. She wouldn't look at me until I was pleading with her to just say something, anything.

I was so scared of losin' her and I still am. We went to McDonald's yesterday with the babies. I lost my appetite after one fry. It's not like I expected things to go back to normal after we made up. After I cleaned up the glass from the vase she threw, and doctored up her feet from when she walked across it without noticing.. and we went to sleep in each other's arms. Yet I guess.. I did kinda expect it to be the same. But see I'm an idiot like that. I think I can hurt someone and apologize and then everythin' goes back to bein' peachy. I didn't even realize things had changed until I told her I loved her across the table and she shifted in her seat and mumbled the words back. I know she loves me, but she's scared and I don't blame her. If I were in her shoes I'd prolly be hating my guts right now.

But then she looked at me, and I asked her what she was thinking. She asked me if I remembered the day we slow danced at a McDonald's when we first got together. I couldn't forget that day. Not in a million years would I forget that day. I took her by the hand and we danced, right there.. and she sang to me. Probably the most meaningful song I've ever heard, and it was for me. I broke down and I started cryin into her shoulder. I didn't know what to do or say, so I just cried and told her how I needed her. She's my air.. I'm nothin' without her. She started crying too.. and there we were. Two full-grown adults, slow dancing in the middle of McDonald's, and crying cause we were both so scared of losin' each other.

It's scary not knowin' what your wife is thinking when she looks at you. It's scary that I can't read her. That I still don't really know what she's thinking. If she's sad, if she hates me, if when she looks at me she thinkin' about how much she loves me, or if she's thinking about what an idiot I am. All I know is that I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her.

. . . I can't talk about this anymore.

I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
But the rain's gonna wash away, I believe it

14 comments|post comment

Tuesday, 29Jul03 :: 04:17pm

mood :: blank

I think I need a good smack to the head.

4 comments|post comment

Friday, 25Jul03 :: 05:49am
home.

mood :: tired

music :: Brand New - Failure By Design

New layout, new icons.

So I came home today. Not that I ever really left. I've just been avoiding things.. and yeah, I guess there's no way to say that without sounding like an asshole. I have been one. No I haven't been cheatin' on Mandy, though I'm sure that thought crossed her mind at one point or another. And no I had no intention on abandoning my family. I'm not my dad. I'm not my fuckin' dad.

I came home every night, I'd make my way upstairs, I'd check on the boys first. Steppin' into their room and lookin' down on them in their cribs. They'd always be fast asleep. Sometimes I'd pull up a chair and rub my hand over their heads, just watchin' them sleep. Then I'd go to mine and Mandy's bedroom, dropping my shit onto the floor and lying down next to her. I would always be really quiet so she wouldn't wake up and I'd just lay there and stare at her. Sometimes I'd fall asleep like that, other times I'd get up and go downstairs to sleep in the den. But I'd always be up before sunrise.. which is a strange thing for me to do.. and I'd be out on the beach just sitting and watching the sun come up over the horizon.

Thinkin'. I do too much of it. I swear I live in my thoughts. I'd leave after that, goin' nowhere in particular. Just gettin' away and keeping to myself. I carried my notebook with me and wrote sometimes. Lyrics and stuff. There's a local coffee shop here that I've been goin to a lot. I think I'm officially considered a "regular." *smirks* I went to the bar once. I didn't get drunk though, I just sat and drank, and watched the TV.

I don't know why I pulled away from her like that. When I came home early tonight I thought she'd be mad, but she wasn't. She tackled me with hugs and kisses and told me she missed me. I missed her too. It felt so strange to touch her again.. I don't know if that sounds weird or what. But fuck it felt weird. Just to hold her hand, touch her face, to kiss her. It was so foreign and yet so familiar. I don't know. I can't put it into words. All I know is that I couldn't stop touchin' her. Couldn't stop lookin' at her. When we were lying in bed I just ran my fingertips over her shoulder, just completely amazed by how perfect she is. She prolly thought I was goin' crazy, but if she only know what I was thinkin.. all my thoughts about how beautiful she is. I'm lucky to have her. I love her with everything that I am.

I don't know how she puts up with me like she does. I don't think any other woman would put up with her husband goin' away and taking time to himself like I do. It's really not fair to her. She stays home and takes care of the babies while I'm out tryin' to figure myself out. Maybe there's somethin' wrong with me. I thought about that too while I was gone. Tryin' to figure out what it is that makes me do this sometimes. Makes me feel like I just need to get away and think about things, examine my life, my past.. where I've been and where I'd like to be. I still can't figure it out. All I can do is hope Mandy doesn't get sick of it.. or get sick of me.

I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself
Because I make things hard and your just trying to help
I got no gas, I'm winding out my gears
This is one more day on the verge of tears
And now my head hurts and my health is a joke
And I'm so sore, my voice has gone to hell
And this is one more sleepless night

This is a lesson in procrastination
I kill myself because I'm so frustrated
And every single second that I put it off
Means another lonely night I got to race the clock

I'm not even sure what made me decide to come home early tonight. I'm glad I did though. Sorry this update was kinda choppy. As you can prolly tell I'm not exactly myself right now.

4 comments|post comment

Tuesday, 15Jul03 :: 09:14pm
The den, den, den

mood :: grateful

music :: Brand New - Mix Tape

Aight before I start this update. I'd just like to state that if you have any thoughts about movin' in with me and Mandy . . you should know that we go at it like rabbits. All day, every day, every room in the house, every postion. What the fuck, why am I grossing everyone out. Oh that's right, so you'll stay out of my new den. Hahaha.

I know I've said it before, so I'll try not to repeat myeslf. But I seriously have the best wife any guy could hope for. She's constantly takin' care of me and surprising me with things. Yesterday she gave me a brand new Fendi watch cause she remembered awhile back that I'd made the mistake of somehow losing mine. Yeah I don't know how that happened. But she bought me a brand new one, and that right there blew me away. But shit, what came after that just blew everything else out of the water.

It's nice when your wife pays attention to you. When you don't even realize that she's watching you and the way you act. That she's readin' you and trying to figure out what's going on with you. She knows I get stressed a lot. She knows I worry a lot. And she knows I don't always know how to handle things when I get to be like that. I don't even have to say anything to her about it and she knows. Hell, I think she knows me better than I know myself. Last night she surprised me with a room, our den, completely fixed up to be a stress relieving place for me. I flipped out. I flipped out so much that I didn't even jump up and down and go crazy like when she gave me the motorcycle. All I could was try to keep my sanity and show her how much it means to me that she'd do that for me. I was completely stunned. There's a widescreen TV, DVD player, X-box, games, DVDs, a card table, a mini fridge, and a pool table that's supposed to go in soon. Plus some other things she said she's wanting to put in. What the fuck. I didn't do anything to deserve that kinda surprise.

Oh and Benj, I appreciate you helpin' her with getting it together.

Yeah I've come to the conclusion that I will never beat her when it comes to surprises. The other day me and Benj got this thing together, where he was gonna sing and play guitar for Brody. Me and Mandy were gonna be there too, and in the middle of the song I was gonna excuse myself to use the bathroom and come out from the stage area and sing. So it'd be a surprise for Mandy. It worked. She loved it. But you know what.. that still isn't as great as what she's done for me. The expression on her face was pretty damn priceless though.

I need to talk to Pierre. Me and Mandy were discussing newlywed gifts to give them and uh, yeah. Guess I just need to know what he and Chuck would like to have. Congrats you two.

Oh and I'm gettin' Mandy a Hello Kitty toaster. From now on all my sandwiches will have a cat's head on them. Don't laugh. My wife's great, I'd eat Cat sandwiches for her any day.

3 comments|post comment

Wednesday, 09Jul03 :: 06:50am
across the universe

mood :: tired

music :: silence really

I'm awake. What am I doing up this early? I told Mandy last night that I was gonna wake up early today and cook her breakfast, she basically pulled the "not before I make it" thing. So I waited till she fell asleep and then I got up, took a shower, and the food is cookin' on the stove as I type.

Yeah, which means I didn't sleep last night. No big deal really. With the way my mind was racing I prolly wouldn't have gotten any sleep anyways. You know we may be on a break, but that doesn't mean the work stops. Me and Benj are constantly writing lyrics together, tossin' ideas off of each other. We gotta start thinking about our next album and what songs we could possibly use on it. Then there's our other projects we've started. Our clothing line.. who knew me and Benj had a knack for designing clothes. Wouldn't say we have a knack for it really. We basically just do what we like and hope everyone else feels the same way. It's pretty fun though, to be in this kinda position where we can combine our tastes in music and clothes and do everythin' that we're doing.

Then there's the MTV show we host. I'm not even sure why I'm mentionin' it. There's nothing to it really. They call us and tell us they need to film at a certain location. We show up. Shoot like 10 episodes or somethin' and then we leave. It's pretty basic. We're always crackin' jokes at each other on the show and messing up our lines. Course we don't really get to pick the music videos that are played. Hell if we did, no one would watch. *smirks*

Then of course our record label. Me and Benj get the fun of job of goin' through demos and thinking about which bands we might wanna sign to it. It's.. the whole thing is awesome. Just the idea. Us havin' a record label with John Feldman. I mean, slap with a fuckin' stick cause sometimes I swear I'm dreaming.

Then there's MADE Tour.. I don't know if Benj has ever mentioned anything about this but it's definitely an awesome thing that's goin' on right now. It kicked off last month and it's got some great bands on it like The Movielife, Autopilot Off, etc. I was hopin' to check out the tour sometime soon, still might show up to a couple tour dates and see how well it's goin. I wanted to check out Warped too, to hang out with the guys since I'm still kinda pissed we didn't get to do Warped this year.

Yeah see, all this stuff has been on my mind. Me and Benj have turned into business men without even realizing it. I know I tend to worry a lot, but this ain't even me worryin'. I'm just tryin' to keep my head straight and organized so to speak.

I've been thinking a lot about my life too. Thinkin' back about the family I came from, to the family I've created. Me and Benj have been through a lot. We worked our asses off to get to where we are now, sacrificed a lot of things, but we made it. Billy, Paul, and Chris of course. But all our work, It's all payin' off right now and it's the best feelin' in the world to see your dreams finally come about. To go from workin' 2 or 3 jobs to this, doin' what we love to do and getting paid for it. It's really amazing. I know sometimes I take it for granted. I get stressed and pissed off about things. The fans are usually the first ones to notice. Just cause, sometimes I don't watch the way I act around them and they notice shit like that. Usually Benj is right there to snap some sense into me though. I just try not to take things for granted. I feel like we could lose the great thing we have goin' for us at any time. So I wanna make the best of all of it and hopefully this whole career we've built is a permanent one.

Aight I guess I've rambled out my thoughts enough. In between writin' about the music and shit I've been running to the stove and tryin' to make sure nothing gets burned. I'll prolly wait till Mandy gets up, eat, then take a nap or somethin. The babies aren't up yet though, I guess that's a good thing. Maybe I can take care of them today and give Mandy some uh, time off or something. Hah. She'll prolly fight me on that one.

10 comments|post comment

Tuesday, 08Jul03 :: 11:50pm
Flying.

mood :: happy

music :: Alkaline Trio - Every Thug Needs a Lady

So we're on a break now. Got about a month off before we head to Japan.

It's amazing how I can be around someone so much and never get tired of them. She makes life fun. That's the bottom line. She never fails to make me laugh, to make me happy, to make me feel lucky as hell that I'm married to her. I don't know if she purposely tries to do that or if it's something that comes naturally to her. But either way she never fails. I wish I'd always known her. I wish back when I met her during Little Things that somethin' would've happened between us then. But I'm sure it wouldn't have worked out, cause we were different people then. We both had to grow up and experience things before we finally found each other. At least that's what I keep tellin' myself. I don't like thinking I could've had this kinda love a long time ago if only I'd opened up my eyes to it.

She took me skydiving last night. She walked through the doors and asked me if I was tired. I told her I wasn't, then she threw a blindfold on me and pushed me into a car. I kept askin' her where we were goin'. I was nervous, I thought maybe she'd finally turned on me and sold me to the mob in exchange for cash. But of course that didn't happen. She led me to a plane, we got on, I could hear the engine but I still wasn't sure what was goin' on. Then this guy strapped something onto my back and I finally started to catch on. Just then she took off the blindfold. I looked around and got the most nervous rush to my stomach. I felt like I was gonna puke at any minute. See I have a thing about heights. Yeah, I don't like 'em. Mandy hates planes.. but amazingly enough on this one she was as cool as a cat. She told me what was goin' on. I kept laughing and asking if she was serious. She took off all her equipment and ran at me, causin' me to fall out of the plane as she held onto me. I screamed the whole fuckin' time. The loudest I could possibly scream. It was great, you know. She's crazy and great like that. She pulled the chord on the parachute cause I was too busy screaming with my eyes shut to think about it. And then we just.. flew there.. together. God I love her. I wouldn't trade anythin' for what I have with her. She lights up my life.

Then today she decided she wanted us to go bungee jumping. As much as I love her, I know she's gonna put some gray hairs on my head before I reach 30. *smirks* It was fun too though. Really fun. One thing I love 'bout her is that she doesn't make fun of me even when she knows I'm nervous as hell. I was literally shakin' today, all nervous about it. She didn't point it out though, she didn't make fun of me. She just told me to trust her on it and that was that. She did the grabbin' onto me and pushing me over the edge today too during the bungee jumping. I screamed of course. Only that was.. a lot harder to get down from with no one else there to help us.

This is really random, but I just wanna say that I really love watchin' her sleep. She's so beautiful it hurts. She'll get this really cute pouty look goin' on and it just kills me to wonder what she's dreaming about. Whenever I can't sleep, I just lay beside her and watch her. I feel like I'm fallin' in love with her all over again even though I never fell out of love with her. She makes me happy. Happier than I've ever been. Even when she's molesting me in front of people and telling them things about me they prolly shouldn't know.. *laughs* But yeah, I love her more than anyone will ever be able to comprehend.

punkd mandy: *smiles* You trust me, right? I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you.

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Wednesday, 02Jul03 :: 05:42pm
rockin' the suburbs.. like michael jackson

mood :: awake

music :: Ben Folds - Rockin' the Suburbs

I'm so lazy today. I think I'll just lay around and.. not move. Good thing we don't have a show tonight.

Aight why the hell do I wait so long to write an update. Now I totally can't remember what's happened so I can't write about it. Oh, Wilmer came by and talked to Mandy. I was there, but I didn't say much cause.. well what do you say when you're wife and her ex are arguing over why they broke up. I'm wonderin' if Mandy was upset with me for not talking that much. But like I said, just didn't know what to say. I wasn't gonna be a jerk or anything, I felt bad for Wilmer and I don't mean that in a "I pity you" type way. He just looked really fuckin' sad, worn out, broken. I don't know. Despite the shit he's done to Mandy I really wish he'd feel start feelin' better about things. Not so depressed I guess. I don't like seein' people that way. I still don't trust him though. Mandy mentioned somethin' last night about going to her new movie premiere with Wilmer and I got the biggest knot in my throat. I couldn't even say anything, so I just nodded my head. We talked for awhile and I guess I'm goin with her instead. It was her decision, not mine.. just for the record.

But yeah I'm goin. Cause our last show is on the 6th and then we've got almost a month off before headin' to Japan. I think.. the fuck am I reading that right?

I stayed up 'til dawn chatting away with a bunch of people. I'm not sleepin' so well lately. I probably wouldn't have gone to sleep at all if Tony hadn't of slipped NyQuil into my food. You didn't think I saw that did you! Punk. This cracked me up though:

Erika stalks you: Joel...why would everyone piss, throw up, spit, put cigarette buts in a pitcher
joel m owns: SO TONY CAN DRINK IT.

HAHA. Remember that Benj?

I think I'm gonna post the "crotch discussion" soon unless Mandy objects. I'm sure everyone's curious to know how me and her act around each other as husband and wife. I think I just swallowed a gnat. Shit my thoughts are all over the fuckin' place today so I'm cutting this right here. I love Mandy. PAYCE FUCKERS.

15 comments|post comment

Wednesday, 02Jul03 :: 04:20am
Why am I still awake

Every time that I look in your eyes
I know love never dies
Oh, baby...

Love is blind, and I can't see
Cupid's aimed his bow right at me
I love you and adore you, you're all that life could bring
Baby, you're my everything

Cynics sneer at fairy tales
They mock love and all its details
But we've got something magical those fools will never see
Baby, you're my everything

I can only stand for a moment or two
Being without you
Oh, I know it sounds extreme
But baby you're my dream come true

Yes, we've got something magical those fools have never seen
Baby, you're my everything

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Saturday, 28Jun03 :: 04:52pm

mood :: geeky

Just spent some time going through my old entries. They're funny to read now.. considerin' how much I've changed. My life's changed, the way I think has changed. Then I found this one thing and it just like, blew me away. I wrote this when me and Mandy first started dating..

After that.. we jumped into the lake and played around. Fuck she knows exactly what to say and do to make all the stress from the tour go away. To make everythin go away. At one point during our playing around I even told her that I felt like we were on some deserted island. Cause there was no one around, just this huge ass lake all for us. Whenever I'm with her I feel like I'm on some vacation, some trip away from reality where every single thing is perfect. She might as well be walkin' in green pastures with tulips bloomin out of her footsteps, cause that's almost exactly what it's like.

That wasn't a stupid thing to say, don't laugh.

I still feel that way about her. We've been married for a long ass time and I still feel that way about her. Is that possible? I never thought it was.. She still makes the stress go away, just like she did then.

Last night I was holdin' the babies, Mandy was sitting next to me and we were just watching them and talking. I think I'm officially gonna figure out where NeverNever Land is cause I don't want them to ever grow up. But yeah, anyways.. we were talking and I told her Trent took a dump. *chuckles* So Mandy jumped up and started laughin' and she's all "Go ahead" and I was like "What!? Come over here and change him!" And she just kept laughing and tellin' me to do it. So I was like "Aight, at least come grab Daniel.." so she came over, picked him up, and started to walk out of the room. Then I was all "HAHA, KIDDING. DANIEL'S THE ONE WHO TOOK THE DUMP." Holy shit she got pissed. She threw his dirty diaper at me and got poo all over my shoulder.

So I was covered in poo and she was on the ground laughin' her butt off. *chuckles* It's been awhile since I've seen her laugh that hard. Hell, it's been awhile since I've laughed that hard. She said in her update that she missed hearing me laugh like that, I missed hearing it from her too.

And yeah, I miss my brother. He's right here but I miss him like fuck.

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Thursday, 26Jun03 :: 08:48pm

mood :: listless

New layout, new icons, new userinfo.. which I haven't even looked over so it's prolly fucked up lookin.

I feel like the shittiest husband alive right now. I haven't been around enough, I haven't been there to protect Mandy from assholes. I haven't.. the fuck. I'm just failing. Mandy's depressed and I don't know how to help her. I can't even help myself. I barely eat, I barely sleep. I'm anxious all the time, I'm fuckin' stressed. Yeah so, how can you help someone else when you're falling apart yourself. I don't even know what's doing it. I just feel like I can't get a grasp on shit and work it out.

I threw up the other day. I couldn't keep anything down and I was running purely off of coffee. Mandy noticed I wasn't looking too good and asked me if I was sick. I don't think I am. I think everythin' is just.. wearin' me out. With all that coffee and no food, I held my hand straight out to show Mandy. It was shakin' like hell and she got the most worried look on her face. She told me to go see a doctor and I told her I didn't want to. Why the hell am I putting this extra stress on my wife. She doesn't need it. She's got enough to worry about with the babies, she doesn't need me bein' a baby and not takin' care of myself. Mandy told me maybe I need to take a few more days off after this break is over with, but of course I can't afford to do that. We can't cancel shows like that. This European tour is important.

End of update. I gotta stop bein' an ass and pick myself up. Mandy needs me, and fuck I'm not gonna let her down. I'm just sick of shit puttin' a strain on our relationship, but I can't let it get to me like this.

Wilmer - You know what I don't like about you? Everything. You say it was a mistake, like "oops, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lose control of myself like that and hurt you." Shut the fuck up. You didn't spill a glass of milk. You purposely hurt my wife. You know, I knew about your past history with Mandy, but I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt when you came around and told her you wanted to be friends. I fuckin' told her that she could go hang out with you if she wanted to. But now look. You haven't fuckin' changed at all. No one hurts my wife like that, no one. I'm puttin' my foot down this time though, if you ever fuckin' come around her I'll slit your throat. Sound good? I thought so. Mandy gets enough shit from people, she doesn't need it from you too.

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Thursday, 19Jun03 :: 06:50pm

So.. last night turned out a lot differently than I thought it was gonna be. At first I was just pissed at Benj for actin' all God-like and saying somethin' to me that was way outta line. Turned out that the problem ran a lot deeper than Benj just bein' an ass. So. He vented to me, got everythin' off his chest..

Fuck, I couldn't even see it.

You know, I really haven't been that great of a brother. Here I thought the reason for me and Benj fallin' apart is because he didn't wanna share what was going on with him. But the real problem was me. Me never bein' here when he wanted to vent or he needed help or advice or whatever. I don't know if it's just bad timing or if I really do suck at bein' a brother to him. Either way I really felt like a piece of shit after everything he told me. If you've ever wanted to just clap her hands and put everythin' back together, that's how I felt. I know it's not gonna be easy to get me and Benj back to the way we were. I gotta start payin' attention and not letting everything take over and get in the way of him and me.

Not that that's really gonna fix everything. There's so much damage here that it's gonna take a lot of work to fix. I'm not even gonna pretend to know what every problem is or how to fix them, because I don't. Benj may have vented to me and got a lot off his chest last night, but I'm pretty sure that ain't the only thing that's been buggin' him about me. I'm gonna take care of it though.. I am.. I don't like lettin' my brother down like that.

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Wednesday, 18Jun03 :: 02:28pm

mood :: artistic

music :: chevelle - send the pain below

Wow. Been awhile since I've updated. Not much has been goin' on. Just been chillaxin like jackson. *reminds himself to edit that out before he posts* No actually, a lot's been goin' on. I just haven't been around to hear about it. Once again I caught up in doin' work and let it interfere with.. well.. everything.

When I came around yesterday, Benj didn't seem too happy to see me. In fact he seemed downright pissed at me. I said somethin' like, "do you just want me to stay gone for good?" And he was all, "You keep disappearin' on us, so why not?" which really fuckin' hurt. I don't know, I guess I'm hopin' he didn't really mean that. I can see his point though. I'd be pissed if he kept disappearin' and then turnin' up outta nowhere expecting some kind of "welcome home" shindig. Plus I think Benj is really stressed, he seems to be. All the shit goin' on that he's had to deal with. I can understand why he'd be pissed at me. Plus, you know, our dad got up and left his family.. just like that. So.. maybe he was worried I was doin' the same thing. Yeah, aight I don't know anymore and I'm gonna stop tryin' to analyze him. See what happens when you don't talk to me and tell me what's goin on man? I sit around tryin' to figure you out.

Finally got a chance to talk to Sarah. The shit goin' on in her life is really frustrating even for me to listen to. I can't imagine how she's feelin' right now. She was upset with me for not comin' to visit her. I told her that I'd planned on it, but other stuff came up. Um, truth is.. I was afraid to go visit her. No I don't understand why I would be. I mean, she's my little sister and I care about her a lot. But the thought of goin' to visit her scared me shitless. Maybe it's just cause of what happened before. I know she kept sayin' how she wanted me and Benj to come visit her and everythin.. I wanted to.. but to actually do it was another thing. I think I was afraid that even though she seemed to be doin' aight, that it was just a front to get me there. Then she'd proceed to scream at me for tellin' people what had happened that day on the bus. Am I sounding crazy yet? It's just, it's a brother's fear. I don't want my sister to hate me. I didn't wanna go to the clinic and find out that she's really not doin' as good as she says she is, she hates the place, and she hates me for puttin' her there. So I didn't go visit her. I'm sorry Sarah. I'm sure I sound completely crazy right now. I just wanted you to know that it wasn't cause I was "too busy" I was just scared of what would happen.

As long as I'm bein' completely truthful here. You should know that I did go to the clinic. I just didn't go inside. I was walkin' up the steps when I completely lost my nerve.. and my stomach. So I puked in the bushes and I left. I'm sure they appreciated some random dude puking his guts out in their bushes and leaving. Heh. I'm not letting the whole thing get to me like that again. If you say you're happy and you're doin' good, I believe you. If you say you really like that Christian guy and he's a nice guy, I believe you on that too. You're a smart girl Sarah, you always have been. For some reason I feel the need to protect you all the time, but I know you don't need me to anymore.

Now I'm gonna talk about my dad. Benj has seen him, Sarah has seen him, and even though I hate the fuckin' bastard, I'm jealous as hell that I haven't. I haven't seen or heard from him since I was 16, but Benj talked to him on the phone when he was what.. 18, 19? Somethin' like that. Maybe it's stupid to be envious of that, I know dad's been a dick and usually ends up saying or doing hurtful things when around one of us. But shit, I haven't even heard his voice since the day he left. He's almost like a ghost to me. Just pops up into everyone's lives except for mine. I don't think I want him in my life really. Sarah said he came back to make amends with us. I'm not gonna lie and say my heart didn't jump with excitement when she said that. But then that excited feeling passed and I was left with the truth. Why is he suddenly tryin' to make amends with us? What makes him think we can trust him again? I told Sarah that.. I told her she can see him or whatever, but not to get too attached. He left us once, there's no guarantees that he's stickin' around this time. Sarah got sad after that. Really sad. In fact her exact words were, "I was really hoping he'd be able to really stay with us this time." Which seriously killed me. I wanted to cut this guy away from her. I know she wants dad back in her life, but I don't want him hurtin' her like that.. or any of us. If he wants to set things right, he's gonna have to take it slow and gain back our trust. It's not gonna be easy, that's for sure. Personally, I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. I don't even feel like he's my dad anymore, just this stranger who wants back in our lives.

I spent the majority of father's day alone. I left out early and really only came back to eat meals, then left out again. Mandy never questioned me. She never got upset with me. It's like she knew I needed the time to myself. I think I got caught up so much in my thoughts about dad that I completely forgot it was my day too. I'm a daddy.. how could I forget that. Well, it's not that I really forgot about it. It just didn't feel like the day counted to me too. Father's Day has never been for me. It's always been about my dad. I'm not used to it. But now here I am with these two great kids. I love them to death.

You know, my dad's a grandfather and he probably doesn't even know it. He's gonna hate me when he gets to know me. Cause I'm everything he wasn't. I'm successful at my job, I have a happy marriage, 2 beautiful kids who I swear I will never let down, and I'm a provider for my family. I have everything he walked out on and I'm not fuckin' it up.

So I got my Father's Day presents from Mandy yesterday. The first one was.. completely awesome. She got the kids dressed in MADE clothes and had their picture taken, it was framed and everything. I swear I'm takin' this thing with me wherever we go. When we go on tour again I'm hangin' this picture up for everyone to see, just like I did with the sonogram picture of them. Benj helped her out by gettin' the clothes for her. Which was awesome of him to do. After she showed me the picture I asked her if we could dress them up in MADE gear every day and she actually said yes. *laughs* Crazy.

Aight and then there was the next present. Benj already knows what it is cause after I got it I was screamin' at him about it. But yeah, Mandy led me out to the garage with her hands over my eyes and then she flipped on the light and there was it. A Harley. I freaked out like you wouldn't believe. I mean, I was jumpin' around and cussin' and everythin. I went and picked her up and hugged her cause holy shit. It's just amazin'. I went out to the garage to look at it again today and I still can't believe she did that for me. That's the best present I've ever gotten and just the fact that she took the time to look into gettin' it still blows me away.

My wife rules.

Oh, and Benj. You know I've always admired you and looked up to you on some level. Since you're "older" by like.. 2 fuckin' minutes. But that last update of yours, the Father's Day one, totally blew me away. All the admiration and shit I had for you before rose up a billion more times after readin' that. I respect you man, I really do. You're a good guy, an awesome brother, husband, father, all of that.

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Friday, 13Jun03 :: 04:43pm
If you think I'm gonna fucking fall off..

mood :: thirsty

music :: 50 cent - Patiently Waiting

I've been pretty obsessed with this song lately. I don't even know what that's about. I was changing Trent's diaper today and I started singin' it out of nowhere. Course I bleeped out the cuss words. *laughs* I guess I finally understand why Brody said that no one should cuss around Nathan. Just doesn't.. feel right. So if you come around my kids, don't cuss. I'm puttin' my foot down. Whoa, that was pretty damn fatherly.

I still haven't talked to Paul yet. I need to though, cause I seriously don't know if he's still pissed at me. Him and Jess seem to be doin' okay though. So I guess that's good. I'd just like to know if maybe we can start talkin' and shit like we used to.

I feel out of the loop, I don't know what's going on anymore. I barely talk to Benj, I barely talk to Brody.. or Billy, Paul, and Chris. The only thing I've been doin' is paying attention to my wife and babies. Which of course is a good thing to do, but shit, I miss talkin' to everyone. Benj told me what happened with dad.. it took awhile to get Benj to finally tell me what happened. I don't know what's goin' on with him lately. I feel like we're falling apart and I don't even know how the hell it happened. He's got this crazy idea in his head that I don't wanna hear about his problems so he's not gonna burden me with them. I've never.. fuckin' thought hearing about his problems was a burden. What hurts him, hurts me. We're twin brothers, there's a bond we have that I thought we'd always have. But lately it feels like it's falling apart. I don't know. Benj, if you read this, I think we really need to talk about this shit and get it worked out. I'm sick of you keepin' me an arms length away from you and not telling me what's going on in your life. We just gotta fix it.

I still can't believe that asshole had the guts to show his face and ask for money. If I were Benj, I woulda beat the shit outta him too. This guy may be my dad, but I'll never understand him.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I was too busy worryin' my ass off about everything going on. I'd roll over and hug Mandy close to me, but it just didn't help. So I got up and went for a walk.. amazing how I can go for a really long fuckin' walk and still not be able to get rid of the worry. I'm worried about Benj, I'm worried about our relationship. I'm worried about Mandy, that maybe when she said she doesn't feel like she missed out on anything by getting married and starting a family this quickly.. that maybe she does feel like she missed out. Sometimes I wonder if we shoulda waited, if maybe we jumped into this too quickly. Talkin' to her yesterday about how she feels like she has to put aside the way she acts and be serious all the time, I had the sudden urge to just.. take away the babies and let her have time to herself. I know that sounds stupid. And no I never wanna take away the kids from Mandy. It's just like, I wanted to just put it on hold until she felt like she was ready to "act like a mom" as she put it. But who's to say how a mom should act? Who says a mom's gotta be all serious and mature all the time? I think that's just some fucked up picture society's placed on how a mom and wife should be. But I love the way Mandy is. I love how she is right now. I don't want her to ever change. When we first found out she was pregnant, I had this picture in my head of her bein' with our babies and watching cartoons with them down on the floor. Hell, even singing along with the songs. That's the picture I've always had of her. And yeah, of course she'll do all the motherly things that a mom should do. But to also know how to let loose and just be herself and have fun with life. I think any kid would be lucky to have a mom like that.

Aight I think I'm kinda rambling here. We're goin' overseas pretty soon. This break didn't last long enough. I feel like I got nothin' accomplished. I wanted to visit Sarah, I wanted to visit mom and let her finally see her grandkids, I wanted to go to our house in SC and get it all straightened up. I haven't gotten any of that done and it pisses me off. Not to mention the fact that I feel like I've barely spent any time with Mandy at all. All this free time, I don't know where the hell it went.

Ah well. Goin' overseas is gonna be fun, I know. Plus Mandy and the kids are coming along. So I'm even more thankful for that.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to Kyle hope you had a good birthday. And don't let those assholes at your school get you down. You're better than that.

2 comments|post comment

Tuesday, 10Jun03 :: 03:18am
fuck

mood :: distressed

music :: Oasis - Don't Go Away

Where to start. So I fucked up. We played a game.. I took things too far.. and I fucked up. I hurt some people, I made 'em pissed off, and I'm payin for it. I don't even wanna go into full detail about what happened. I just, I don't know what the hell I was thinkin. I know Jess feels the same way. We're not attracted to each other and no we don't wanna be with each other. It was just a stupid game and things got outta hand.

Paul - I'm not sure what to say. You're angry at me and you got every right to be angry at me so I'll understand if you don't wanna talk to me ever again. I crossed the line. I crossed it big time and I'm sorry as hell that it happened. Everythin' you said to me was right. But you should know that I ain't interested in Jess in that way. I know you like her a lot and I didn't do it to purposely hurt you. Even though I'm sure that doesn't even matter. I just want you to know that I didn't go into it thinkin' "aight, what can I do to piss off Paul." It was just.. a stupid act that I didn't think through. So, I'm sorry. I hope one day we'll be able to put this past us and be friends again.

Jess - I wanna apologize to you too for what happened. I've barely talked to you before all this shit happened. Which makes it kinda funny I guess. But we definitely took things too far tonight, I know you agree, and I hope you and Paul are doin' aight. I'm sorry.

Mandy - I think everythin' I wanted to say to you I already said. But just for the record, I've never been sorrier than I was today. You're the most important person in the world to me and I when I do shit that hurts you, everythin' around me comes crumblin' down. I'm really lucky I have you, I'm really lucky you forgave me and still wanna be with me. I broke down today in front of you and you didn't laugh at me, you didn't tell me I deserved to be treated like shit, you didn't even tell me that I was a horrible person. You held me close while I cried and apologized to you. I don't even know what to say about it.. I didn't deserve that kinda treatment and I sure as hell didn't deserve to be forgiven this soon. But you still gave it to me. You gave me a smile and kiss a lot sooner than I shoulda had it.. and things went back to normal, almost. See, you noticed when I wasn't smilin' and I think that meant a lot more to me than I acted like. I didn't wanna smile. You smiled at me and I'd go off and do somethin' to avoid it. I didn't think you noticed. But then you called me on it and I told you I didn't feel like I deserved to be happy, to get that smile from you and smile back. That mighta sounded really gay to you, but you didn't tell me if it did. So let it be known that you completely and totally bribed me into smilin' at you. *laughs* I'm kiddin. You're a mind-reader though, or maybe that's just somethin that comes along with bein' married.

Benj - Yeah you're up here too. Mainly cause I was talkin' to Mandy and I realized that I'm kinda angry at you right now. I know you're goin' through some kinda hard time right now. But that doesn't mean you gotta shit on me and crack jokes 'bout me and Mandy gettin' a divorce. I'm sure you didn't mean anythin' by it since you're always crackin' jokes, trying to lighten the mood. But still dude, think before you say somethin. It ain't even that though. You've been somewhat of a jerk to me lately. Like tonight, instead of givin' me advice, it seemed like all you were doin was rubbin' my mistake in my face. I don't know if it's cause you just feel like startin' shit with me, or if it's cause you're pissed at me for not bein' there lately when you needed someone to talk to. Whatever it is I hope you get it off your chest eventually and lemme know what's goin on. You're my brother man, I know we shit around with each other a lot. But I do love you man.

Aight. I think that's all I have to say. I do still feel shitty for what happened. Even if everyone I hurt forgave me, I'd still feel that way. And that's just cause I'm disappointed in myself too. I've never been the type of guy to go and do somethin' like that. So I mean, I'd say it was pretty out of character for me. Yeah, just, one shitty huge mistake.

Oh, and I changed my icons cause no one wants to read my "sorry I fucked up" post and see an icon with Mandy's beautiful face on it. Thanks.

5 comments|post comment

Thursday, 05Jun03 :: 07:04pm
HI. I'M MANDY *waves*

mood :: awake

What is this, long-ass update day? I look at my friend's page and everyone and their momma decided to write a huge update. What the fuck. I'm always the last one to do things.. and to know 'bout things. Hah. One day I ate somethin with peanut butter on it.. crackers I think.. and I walked around all day with some peanut butter stuck to my face. I saw tons of people and no one fuckin' told me about it. Chad finally pulled me aside and told me I had shit on my face. Shut, it wasn't funny. I was wonderin' why the hell Benj kept laughin' at me.

Now that I've succeeded in embarrassin' myself even more. On with the update.

You prolly all know that I was feelin' depressed last night. I think everyone around here was pissed off/depressed or whatever. So if you tried to talk to me and I didn't answer or I let the conversation die, that's why. I felt like shit. I didn't even wanna talk to anyone, not even Mandy. I think I was just really worn out, mix that with the realization that this tour is gonna end soon. Which is a stupid thing to get upset about. I'm gonna miss this day-in day-out routine we've got goin' on here. We've been living in this bus for so long, guess I'm just really used to it. I'm happy we're gettin' a break though, even if it is a pretty small one.

So I was already upset about that. Then Mandy told me she was gonna go home for the rest of the tour. Which really upset me I guess.. I don't know. I'm tryin' not to come off as a spoiled brat here who whines when his toy gets taken away. It's good she's goin home, it's good that her family is finally gonna get to see the kids. But I'm gonna miss her. It seems like every time she gets back on the bus, somethin' else comes up and she's gotta leave. I know it's not her fault, and I'm not tryin' to blame her. Things come up and I know she has to take care of them. That hospital thing though, when the babies were, that wasn't even her fault. Aight I'm shuttin' up. I don't know what the hell my problem is.

Mandy's awesome though. We talked for awhile and before I knew it I was feelin' a lot better than I was before. I don't even know how she does it. She just makes me forget about everything.

When we went to bed last night I told her to let me take care of the babies if they started cryin'. Which they did. Mandy started getting up and I had to remind her that it was my turn. She was pretty reluctant at first, but she eventually gave in and I went off to do my dad duties. *chuckles* Not easy. I'll tell you that.. as soon as I got Daniel quiet, Trent started cryin'.. which made Daniel start cryin again. I'm surprised everyone was able to sleep through that. Personally I think they like Mandy better, I've never really heard them cry that loud when she's takin' care of him. I'm brand new at this dad stuff though, so, cut me some slack. I fed them though, changed their diapers. Which wasn't easy.. I'm not even gonna get into it. Then they finally fell asleep.

Yeah. All in a night's work.

I wonder if Trent and Daniel have that kinda connection that me and Benj have. Where when one of 'em is upset, the other one is automatically upset too. Me and Benj do that a lot. The other day Trent and Daniel started busted out cryin' at the same time. Haha. Coulda been it.. or maybe they both just took a dump at the same time.

*makes use of the word of the day*
PRECIPICE, BITCH
I think everyone needs to use that word in a sentence at least once in their life.

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