Hillary's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-01-04 22:09
Subject:Leaving the Nest
Security:Public

i think this will be my last entry on this site. it's not fun like it used to be. no one writes. plus, i dont like people i know reading my thoughts anymore. i know i'm weird. i prefer to talk to strangers... sorry guys. i might write occasionally, but i've pretty much found a new home. see ya

love, Hillary

post a comment



Date:2003-12-23 16:07
Subject:The Crazy Ones at Christmas
Security:Public
Mood: gloomy
Music:The Rainbow Connection - Kermit the Frog (great artist) ;)

I don't know where to start. A lot of things are going through my head. Some good, but mostly bad at the moment. Tim and I decided not to see eachother for the rest of winter break. Trust me, it's for the best. It's not his fault at all. I don't even think it's mine. It's his mom's. She doesn't like me at all, and last night she decided he's not allowed over at my house anymore. She hates me because he'd rather see me then be at home with her. I understand that, but it makes things worse. I hate when he has to call me and tell me he can't come over. You can't imagine how I felt when he said he's not allowed over at all anymore. I doubt her plan of action will work though. What does she think is going to happen when she leaves town again? I hate her... I've never disliked an adult in my life, but she pushes the boundaries. Probably because she acts like a child. I can't say anything more about this... it makes me feel sick, almost. I'm not going to let her ruin Christmas. That's why I made the decision that I can't see Tim over vacation anymore. It would just make things worse between us. My cousins, Kari and Brooke, and their mom, are coming down either tonight or tomorrow night to spend Christmas Eve with us, then they're going to their grandparents house. My other family, on my Dad's side, are coming here for Christmas day. We haven't had Christmas at our house in years. It feels good to know I won't have to spend it in another house again. I like my house and like being here with other people. My cat loves Christmas time. She loves to attack the tree and break all the bulbs on it, she loves chewing on the lights (God, save her from electricuting herself.) She also enjoys trying to eat mistletoe. She's insane. She gets behind the refridgerator and gets stuck, and she tears up my dresses. She also attacks people's feet, with the intention of drawing blood. She could very well be the incarnation of Satan. I love her anyway, though. Her insanity gives her character, and that's always interesting to have in a cat. Who wants a boring cat who sits on their bum all day sleeping? I'd much rather have a little devil. She's my Princess, and when she dies I will cry. Unlike the hundreds of others who have left this earth in the past.

**Merry Christmas**

Hillary Rae

p.s. No burglar got in.. damn. ;)

post a comment



Date:2003-12-20 13:16
Subject:Bloody Pirates!
Security:Public
Mood:Adventurous

its the first day of winter break. well, actually it is my second. i have to keep guard on the house, though. supposedly, there have been theives around town. going from house to house stealing only christmas presents. so my "loving" parents chose to leave the house in my charge. i hate being left alone at home. i always feel like someone will break in, and now there is an actual possibility of that happening. i keep a knife near me always. call me paranoid, but if someone does choose to break into this house, i wont give them the slightest opportunity to steal a hair off my head. i've actually always wanted to fight to the death. i being the victor of course. it wouldn't be as great as i anticipated if i lost, now would it? and it has to be with knives or swords. none of that bullet mess. how boring that would be.

love, hillary

p.s. this is my 4th time watching pirates of the caribbean in the span of one week. shiree got it for me for christmas.:) i'm going memorize it all! "bloody pirates!"

post a comment



Date:2003-12-19 09:14
Subject:F**king Kleptos
Security:Public
Mood: pissed off
Music:311 - Amber

well yay... i got to stay home today from school! it's only a minimum day, but i'd rather sit home and do nothing, then go to school and do nothing. yesterday was pretty good, but pretty sad too. the good things consisted of handing out christmas presents i got my friends, and handing out christmas cards. jenna and shiree really liked their charm vials i made especially for them. the bad parts were that some cold hearted bastard stole the vial i made for shiree. she had left it on the table at lunch for like 5 minutes and when we came back to pick up our stuff for 6th period, it was gone. we checked our bags and the lost and found, but that didnt help. shiree felt guilty because she blames herself. it's not her fault that she trusted people to not steal her stuff. i'm upset. i can't believe someone could be so cruel to steal a christmas present! how could anyone be so awful?? the person who took it was probably jealous or didnt like shiree or me... we have an idea of who took it. i swear to god, if i find out who stole it i'm going to beat the shit out of them. it's one thing to steal one's belongings, but a completely different thing to steal one's christmas present. so far christmas blows this year.

love,

Hillary

post a comment



Date:2003-12-09 18:58
Subject:Our Song
Security:Public
Mood: sick
Music:Yellowcard - Only One (isn't that a surprise...)

I've never had a song with anyone in my life. I guess I never thought about it. Tim loves this song because it explains himself better than he can. It's not the most romantic, corny, see-yourself-dancing-to-it-at-your-wedding type of song, but it's meaningful to us. So there you go... I hate being sick... I miss him so much! grr! lol



Only One
by Yellowcard


Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

post a comment



Date:2003-12-01 16:26
Subject:A Dead Place
Security:Public
Mood:constricted
Music:Sarah McLaughlan - Fallen

i hate school. i hate cal city. i hate the desert. hell, i pretty much hate everything i've known about this place my entire life. i feel like i'm stuck in a dome where nothing beautiful can get in and the "real" world is carrying on without me. not taking a second glance in my direction. i tried running away a couple of times. just to get away from my house, my neighborhood... i even tried saving up to buy a bus ticket, but that never worked out. i guess my only way out will come when i leave for college. i'll have to wait two years. i suppose since i've survived for 16 i can manage for two more. it just gets so frustrating sometimes. like you're trying to move and you're mind is working so hard to leave, but your body won't respond. you feel disabled, like you cant do anything to change your own fate. well i know my fate has nothing to do with this place. maybe even this state. i want to be anywhere but here. i was riding the bus home looking at the empty, dead valley surrounded by hideous mountains, like they form a wooden fence around it's flock (us). the sky isnt really a sky because it doesn't snow or hail. sometimes the rain that falls on the other side of the fence will be pushed this way. giving hope for a white christmas. i used to always wish for a snowy christmas. a couple years i even wrote to santa for it. i barely remember that one year it snowed like 4 inches. i can recall spending all day outside, getting in fights with the neighbors and such. i don't think this place will ever have another day like that. with my luck it'll snow when i leave. the sad thing is, that's not a joke.

love,

Hillary

post a comment



Date:2003-11-29 14:53
Subject:Vampire Reverence
Security:Public
Mood: groggy
Music:no doubt - magic's in the makeup

Happy Belated Thanksgiving, everyone. From reading everyone's journal's i think it's safe to say that i'm the only one who enjoyed mine. i was worried it would be horrible, but by the end of the day i still had a smile on my face. tim got to come and we had a good time. i finally got to writing this essay for english on the lord of the flies. i wrote about the boys loss of innocence. i just couldn't get my mind to work the way i wanted it to. i hate that teachers give us assignments on our vacation. just because they have to sit on their asses correcting papers on their vacation doesn't mean we have to be just as busy with work as well. my parents wanted me to go with them today, but i had to finish that paper. i might spend the night at shiree's later. i hope so that is. i haven't seen any of my friends all of break. my goal is to finish The Vampire Armand by tomorrow. it's hard to be interested in that book, though. i hate armand. he doesn't like anyone and when he does he's scared to show them his feelings. he's just a really annoying character... my favorites are marius and lestat. marius is so intellectual and beautiful. he has a passion for books and art unlike the other vampires. he's still very mysterious even after reading about him so much. i love that about him. then lestat, who is vibrant and witty. he's a fun vampire who makes his own rules instead of abiding by the ancient ones. i love reading about him and learning new things about him. i thought The Vampire Armand would change my opinion of him, but it only gives me a headache. well, the sooner i finish, the sooner i can start Blood and Gold. i've been looking forward to that one. :)

love,

Hillary

post a comment



Date:2003-11-25 16:36
Subject:Thoughts become Truth
Security:Public
Mood: depressed
Music:D.C. - The Places You Come To Fear The Most

I despise days like this. The days that are sad and weary. The ones when you just want to take some pills to make it all disappear. (which I did by the way) I'm really tired now... I spent today doing a whole lot of nothing and crying. Before my mood became so depressive I cooked and downloaded some files for a disc I'm making. The theme is how love can be so full of sorrow. My problem is that I think Tim is avoiding me. Everyone says I'm paranoid, but I have good points. #1. I've been able to have visitors since last Wednesday and he's only come over once. He doesn't want to see me... He called the day before yesterday for about 2 seconds. I don't think he cares about me the way he used to. My feelings about this "paranoia" fade from anger to sorrow. I just miss seeing him, or even hearing from him, and I doubt he even cares. I don't think he wants to go to dinner on Thanksgiving with me anymore, either. If he did he would've called to let me know he was coming by now. I need to go to bed, so that this wasted day can end and I can begin another horrible one tomorrow.

--hillary--

1 comment | post a comment



Date:2003-11-23 12:37
Subject:That's right... cover up those emotions with twinkling lights!
Security:Public
Mood: apathetic

So far this vacation kicks ass. it's only Sunday, but still. No school means a world of perfection to me. Yesterday I went Christmas shopping. I got almost everyone's stuff, except for a couple people. Christmas time can be so stressful because of all the holiday shopping. Nevertheless, it was fun. Unlike Christmas I'm not really looking forward to Thanksgiving. Usually its my favorite holiday, but this year is going to suck. I can just tell... I have to go with my parents and brother to my Uncle Jimmy's house for dinner. That's tradition, but this year I dont want to go because I'm still mad at them for stuff that happened over the summer. The only aspect that could make this holiday good is that Tim might go with me. I hope he can. he said he wants to and that it's pretty much no problem, but he has a tendency to not follow through with plans. Whether it be his fault or someone else's. So I'm not getting my hopes up about that yet. Today I'm putting up Christmas lights. Yes, I know, it seems a bit early, but I have to! Doug's family and my family always compete with the lights. They always get theirs up before us! grr... They put their lights up yesterday while we were shopping. The sneaky bastards...jk. Oh it's such a loving holiday season, isn't it? So now it's my obligation to put up more lights than them today. :) I'd mention something else that's bothering me besides stupid lights and dinner Thursday, but I'll just force it to the back of my mind. I need to be happy over vacation, not worried.

Love, Hillary

post a comment



Date:2003-11-18 18:59
Subject:Me? Greek?
Security:Public

Morpheus
Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

post a comment



Date:2003-11-17 20:11
Subject:berf
Security:Public
Mood: quixotic
Music:only the numb ringing in my ears

Nothing seems right today and gray cloud followed me all around. It's amazing the effect has on me when someone i care about isn't around. ouch... i just sat down on the couch a little bit ago but landed on the corner. right on the tail bone! damn i hate furniture. we should all sit on floors and light candles. spoiled americans... i speak as if i wasnt one of you. someday i wont be though. i'll go to france or italy or czechoslavakia. live like a hermit and draw crazy pictures on the walls of my small,dark cellar. the locals will call me crazy and i'll run around biting their fingers and toes. it will be good fun. so now you know what it hink about all fucking day. bye

1 comment | post a comment



Date:2003-11-16 09:25
Subject:In the Holiday Spirit....(for once)
Security:Public
Mood: cheerful
Music:Sheryl Crow~The First Cut is the Deepest

Hey, sorry about not writing lately. I haven't really been in the mood. I'm still not, but I might as well. I'm grounded for two weeks because I was late for curfew last Monday. I was supposed to be home by midnight, but I think I got in around 3am. I don't like being at home all day afterschool. I'm lucky because yesterday I still got to go to the UCLA football game with my AVID class. It was a good game even though UCLA lost like 31-6. The half-time show was funny, and the college fair was ok, too. There were more people there than I remembered from freshman year. Plus, we had to ride the bus with some junior high kids. There were sooo loud and hyper! I kept thinking, "God, isn't it their naptime yet??" I got some sleep on the way back...I was kind of tired because Friday night I didn't get to bed until a little after midnight. I had a visitor! Sshh! Tim snuck over and we got to hang out for a couple hours. I'm not supposed to have anyone over, especially him, because I was at his house on Monday night when I got home late. So far they know nothing... After next Monday people can come see me anytime though. yay! The Monday after that I can go anywhere I want...yay again! Since I've had so much spare time it's a lot easier to keep up on my schoolwork. I've also been writing in my other journal again. :) It feels good to write out all the things I bottle up inside on paper. It feels like I'm releasing so much emotion. Evereyone gets annoyed by how I keep a lot fo things to myself. I can't change that about me, though. There are reasons why I like to keep things to myself. They don't need to understand or worry about it. I'm a private person and I wish everyone would just accept that about me. Another thing I'm working on is a Christmas book. lol I'm really into the holidays this year. At least I'm trying to be. My family isn't excited at all, so I'm trying to make them happy. I made lists of the things I need to get and do. Plus I made a detailed christmas light plan in full color... lol. God I'm so bored. Actually that was kinda fun, except when I showed my mom and she didnt care at all. She will... eventually. I can't believe we only have one week until Thanksgiving vacation. Last Thanksgiving vacation feels like yesterday. This week is going to drag by!


Love,

Hillary

post a comment



Date:2003-11-16 09:18
Subject:My Mythological Form
Security:Public

ang
You are Form 2, Angel: The Pure.

"And The Angel rose as holy protector for
all that was created. She fought with honor
and valor to serve the good of the world. But
the coming of the mankind was her downfall; and
end to purity."


Some examples of the Angel Form are Michael
(Christian) and Hercules (Greek).
The Angel is associated with the concept of virtue,
the number 2, and the element of wind.
Her sign is the zenith sun.

As a member of Form 2, you are a person of your
word. You generally keep your promises and
give everything you do your best. Although
some people see you as overbearing sometimes,
you know that you have to stay true to yourself
and do what's right. Angels are the best
friends to have because they are brutally
honest.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

post a comment



Date:2003-10-30 23:59
Subject:The Vicious Circle of Relationships (and everything else)
Security:Public
Mood: crushed
Music:Dido- Hunter

i'm leaving tomorrow for santa maria. it's Halloween and i won't be going to school. not that i want to anyway. i hate it there with such a passion it gives me a headache. i go to learn, which is good because i used to go to have fun. no more fun, though. not there anyway. over the summer i developed a private nature. i thought it would subside when i got back, but it didn't. maybe i'm doing that thing when you lose your child-like sense of wonder. you know, where the dumbest shit makes you laugh until you cry and when you blow off all the important, responsible things to do something meaningless and fun. i dont do that stuff too much anymore. and it sucks, but maybe this is "growing up." if this is growing up then i don't like it. i was supposed to see Rebecca today, but we had to cancel my appointment. there's too much to do at home and for the trip. i really wanted to see her though. i need someone to tak to. i need her consultance and intellect to understand how i feel. i'm a very dependent and addictive individual. so no one understands. no one wants to and i dont blame them. i can also be very destructive at school. i hurt people intentionally sometimes and i dont have a clue why. i say shit i know i shoudnt and i guess i just give off this essence that something's wrong with me. (which there is) but if i have to listen to one more goddamn person ask me "what's wrong?" i swear i'll shoot myself. or them, depending on who it is. well on a brighter note... i started talking to darkside again. he avoided me all summer, and i was scared he'd blown me off b/c he had graduated. a few weeks ago i saw him at the park and we started emailing again. we've chatted once on yahoo. taught me about moosen and and such (don't ask) plus, sent me some disturbing photos of me in like 5th or 6th grade that he "found." freakin psycho.... haha. i wonder what everyone's doing fo Halloween. I'm going to santa maria to spend the holiday with my fav cousins, shiree might go trick-or-treating with rose, jenna's probably going to be having sex with her bf in Fontana, and i dont know what tim is doing. aww... i wish he could go with me. i'm ging to miss him so much. i already do... i was supposed to see him tonight, but as usual he couldn't come over because of his mom. actually it was the cops, tonight, but usually it's b/c he doesn't want to get his mom upset. i understand that he wants to be on her good side, but i'm getting really tired of hearing "i can't" when i'm excited that he's coming over. i hate that he gets my hopes up and then calls saying he can't come. he used to call to say he was outside my front door, but now all those calls push him farther away from me. i'm so sick of it that i don't know what to do or how to feel. i know right away when he calls that he cant see me. he has this tone and instantly my heart breaks. i try to sound oay with it most of the time. i mean, there's nothing i can do. i dont want to make him feel guilty for saying he cant see me. i know it's not his fault... but when i hang up i just sit on my bed and shed a few more tears. i mean, i've been trying so hard the past couple of weeks to make him and shiree feel equally cared about. i still dont get to see him that often b/c of my damned homework. there's the stupid responsibility again! but when i actually do get to see him, it's not the right time for him. it never is anymore. i wish things were how they used to be...i dont know what to do! i should stop before i say something i dont mean... that seems to happen a lot lately. *goodnight*

love,

Hillary

post a comment



Date:2003-10-19 22:32
Subject:Tied in Knots
Security:Public
Mood: apathetic
Music:Are You Happy Now? ~ Michelle Branch

People sacre me. I mean all people. even people I know, lately. I get so irritated with them it's not even funny, just....scary. hm. i started taking birth control pills again. (not for sex, for cramps) but all they do is cause mental stress. i cry everyday and i get pissed off at the most insignificant things. Shiree and I have been fighting on and off, and Tim and I hardly spoke last week. It's all my fault... I'm so screwed up and I hurt everyone around me. Rumors were started by Brandon last week. He told everyone Shiree was trying to break up me and Tim. Of course that was bullshit b/c she's not like that. I got mad at Tim because he wouldnt do anything about it. he acted like he didnt care that Brandon was getting in our business. So I started avoiding him. i knew that if we talked I'd say something I'd regret later. (the pills) So I hung out with Shiree a lot. The people kept giving me looks like "Why are you hanging with Shiree instead of Tim?" I fucking hate people sometimes! Anyway, Tim and I started to fix things. We talked about all our "problems" and he even told Brandon a few times to stay out of our personal life. I think he backed off too. So after Tim and I were making up, Shiree started acting all distant and shit. Like she was mad that I was with him. Every time I went off with him she'd have this look like she was hurt. (grr) I can't make anyone happy! When I'm with one I feel guilty b/c I'm hurting the other. I should just be shot and buried inside a deep dark hole so no one could hang out with me. The weird thing is, the more these people want my attention, the more I feel alone. Like on the inside... no one knows how i feel or what i think. and they probably don't give a shit anyway. everyone's got their own problems to worry about. only half of them have what i consider "real" problems. i'm just realy messed up right now. my brain feels like it's all mushed together and my emotions are running amuck. i'd rather be alone then deal with all that crap at school. ever since we came back i've been more stressed than ever. and with each passing day my mind bends and twists a little more. what's sad is i only look forward to one thing. yankees games. yup... the yankees. they're in the series. :) all my anticipation for anything goes into those games. and when they're over...well, i haven't thought that far ahead yet. *sigh* i wonder who ever even reads this anymore. who even cares what i have to say... everyone's got their own lives and problems to deal with. i realize that. but we all feel alone sometimes. we all feel unwanted, unused, and unappreciated. but what the hell does it all matter anyway. teenage sorrow is so fucking pathetic. thank god it all ends in a couple years.

___________hillary____________

5 comments | post a comment



Date:2003-10-09 19:54
Subject:I'M SCARED...
Security:Public
Mood: crappy

So yesterday was the only semi-interesting day I've had in a couple weeks. And it was even a good interesting. I was okay during the morning, but I hadn't eaten like four meals. :( I'm not trying to starve myself! Just... fit comfortably into my homecoming dress and also have an empty stomach for food court that day. Anyway, I started feeling really tired in 3rd period. Like a big wave of exhaustion just swept through me and I started getting dizzy and light-headed. I kept quiet though because I didn't want to disturb the class lecture. I was scared my teacher would yell at me or something. It got worse. From what I remember my whole body started to ache and then i looked down at my arms and my veins were pulsing so much and were blue and purple! I was so so scared that I ha da blood clot or something... that's when my hands began to tingle like they were asleep, ans last but not least the wave of nausea hit me. I still kept quiet, squirming in my seat trying to not be noticed, even though on the inside I was screaming in agony. I was so frightened... I'd never felt that way before. Finally, the bell rung. I raced out of class and could barely find my way to 4th period. I felt like throwing up but I held it in and kept my sweater in front of my face. All I could think of was finding Shiree so that she could help me. I could barely think. I remember Carlos and Jackie asking me if I was okay and then I saw Shiree and Mykey come around the corner. I'd never been so happy to see anyone in my life! I think I collapsed, and then my whole body started shaking. It wouldn't stop! I was yelling at myself to stop and it wouldn't! It hurt so bad... I think the whole class went to the library and then I was brought into Mr. Shelby's room. Mr. Smith and Mr. Johnson came running into the room. All three of them were surrounding me and holding my hands and shoulders and head. I was so scared. I think that's what made the shaking worse. Mr. Shelby asked if my hands were tingling and when i said yes he told me I was hyperventilating and i needed to slow my breathing. Mr. Smith started to rub my head to calm me down. Shiree was there but she was scared, biting her nails off. I felt so bad for making her worry. Then some yard duty came in with juices and when I could hold something I took little sips. When i was able to walk I was escorted to the office where I rested for a couple hours. Everyone came in to check on me. I must have heard the words, "Are you ok?" More than 40 times. They gave me a cheeseburger with the cheese graded ont to it (lol) but at the time I didn't care. It was free food... I also got free juices! I was about to pay for them, and Mr. Smith and Johnson looked at me like was crazy. I took them reluctantly. An hour after being in there I tried standing up to go to the bathroom. I had to sit back down for a few more minutes and then I made it to the bathroom. Well, I never ended up going, instead I threw up everything they gave me. :( I went back and laid down awhile longer. Shiree stayed wiht me the whole time. I would've been so scared without her there. I was scared anyway, but not as much as I could have been, you know? I felt so bad for making everyone worry. I tried to stop it, so I wouldn't disturb class. The whole class had to go to library because of me. :( I don't know if that was a good thing, but I feel terrible for messing things up. I'm still scared because I don't know what's wrong with me. Some said stress, others said lack of food, and some said lack of sleep. I've been really stressed out the past couple of weeks. Lately, I'm starting to feel sad like I used to. I can't sleep well, if at all, and I don't want eat. So I guess it all just became to much for my body. I have a doctor appointment on Monday. I hope I'm ok. I was thinking about talking to Rebecca again. I'll keep you updated... bye.

Always, Hillary

post a comment



Date:2003-10-05 21:49
Subject:If you feel like shit today, that means you had a hell of a good time last night
Security:Public
Mood:Drained and sore
Music:Eve 6

It's so frustrating to be so tired and not be able to sleep. I've felt this way for a couple days now. Anyway, for those who care, I wasn't at school Friday. Seems I sprained my foot during Powderpuff practice on Thursday. I couldn't walk most of Thursday night, and all of Friday. I'm glad I had an excuse not to go to school. I hate school lately. It's so utterly boring and just routine. I know I was dreading graduation next year, but God, lately I feel like I could leave tomorrow and be just fine with it. The people are boring, the classes are even more boring, and on top of that I'm stuck with that damned Powderpuff game. I guess I'm the type of person who loses interest in things before they even begin. Oh yeah! I got my Advanced Biology test #2 grade back on Wednesday. I passed! *phew* That may not sound so wonderful to you, but if you were in that class you'd have an idea why I'm so pruod of myself. I'm glad I don't have to take Chemistry. I'll probably go straight to Physics next year and take Chemistry in college. I've been thinking, and I want to go into Pre-med. I just love the idea of performing surgery, or working in a lab. I want to help people, so my long forgotten past goal has been revived. Some people who I told understood what that grade meant to me and I'm glad they recognized how important that grade was in my eyes. Others were like, "Is that good?" or something like that. It kind of hurt my feelings, but I can't help it if someone doesn't understand. So anyway, back to Friday. I slept in until noon (like I usually do when I don't have school) It felt so so good! Then I laid around all day until like 2:30pm when Tim came over! lol he said veronica had half days and offered to drop him off at my house early. I missed him, too. I feel strange when I don't talk to him for long periods of time. (long periods of time=overnight) Yes, I know. Pathetic...ah well. By Saturday i was walking again and I washed my dad's truck for $20.00. I needed the money for my homecoming dress. Rose called and wanted to see if we were still going to Sara's party that night. I said sure so we got ready and I picked her up around 7:30pm. Tim got to my house arond 7:45pm and we left from there. He brought over some Kool-Aid mixed with vodka. Not bad stuff, but it kinda tasted like cough syrup. Okay so when we got to the party my goal was to get a little wasted and forget the past week. Which I successfully did. :) I can remember only about half of last night's events. I remember drinking, running around, taking a walk with Tim where I was scared of cars or something. lol I also remember leaving the party to go to this kid named Chris's house. We fit 8 people in a 5-seated Lancer. Tim said I passed out at Chris's, but he took care of me. :) (Thank freakin God) On the walk home I was almost sobered up, and Rose and Tim stayed at my house that night. Rose was out in my room, so I slept in the living room with Tim. Except that we couldn't sleep because of his insomnia and my dizziness. By morning we were all okay, but I think we only got like 3 hours of sleep. Rose slept good though. I kept in eye on her most of the night. Even when I was messed up. She's a good girl! Oh yeah, and my brother and our neighbors showed up. I felt bad because I didn't want him to see me like that. I hope I didn't do anything evil. I know I gave Rose like a bruise! Oh man... I feel so bad for that. Today I felt like crap, but went to Bakersfield anyway to get my dress. It's so purtiful! Okay that's all for my weekend. God weekends are so much greater than school. Wait... everything is so much greater than school. Good*night.

~Hillarina~

post a comment



Date:2003-09-28 19:21
Subject:On The 7th day We Rest
Security:Public
Mood: flirty
Music:The White Stripes~uhh... Track #3 (LOL)

I'm so worn out... dating Tim is like joining a gym. lol Well, not really, but we go everywhere on foot! haha The exercise is good for my lazy bum too. We usually drive places but this weekend he couldn't get the car. I'm just glad to get out of the house. My dad's been on my ass about everything lately. Glad I don't see him that much. Tim, Brandon, Darsel, Alison, and I went to the park a lot. There was that Renaissance (or however you spell it) Fair there, though. So there were a lot fo people. :( The people kinda bugged me too. Friday we were sooo hyper! God I don't even remember what I did that night. I did see Darkside though! Oh man... I miss seeing him soo much! He was at that dance thing at the Youth Center. We didn't go in but talked to people outside. Then some lady came out and started bitching at us because we were "loitering." I can't believe I used to go to those thngs. Now I see all these little boys and girls that are like 11 acting like they're 18. And that's how I used to be! So so sad.... Then all the parents waited to pick them all up. It was funny watching them because I almost wished I could be little and naive like that still. We went to Samantha Farley's house and some other kids houses I don't know. We went to the old hotel to find some basement and I got claustrophobic. Tim ended up walking me to the dance so I could throw up in the bathroom. I was embarassed as hell, but he didn't seem to mind. Saturday was kinda the same except for no claustrophobia. We have yet to locate the basement. Me and Tim went up to the roof, and Brandon, Darsel and Joey were downstairs when Joey yelled "Cops!" and took off running. So did the other two. they scattered in all directions. I swear Tim and I ran down those four flights of stairs in less than 30 seconds. No one got caught and we met up a hour later. Oh yeah, at the park I thought I saw a vampire! lol It was Mykey, though. (aww) lol He could pass for one though. Yay Mykey! haha... Anyway, later on Tim and I headed home while the rest hung out at the Fair. Today I did house work and homework. (yuck) I'm glad I get to rest today. :) lol I don't want to go to school tomorrow! I have to leave early for a doctor appointment. I have to get a Pap test. (eww) I'm not scared, just dreading the humility of being naked in front of some stranger. Grr... oh well. I'll survive, right? Okay, night night everyone.

~HiLlArY~

post a comment



Date:2003-09-19 20:19
Subject:*sniffle* Thanks Tim *sniffle*
Security:Public
Mood: guilty
Music:AFI-The Leaving Song Pt. 1

So I've been sick the past couple days. I started feeling it on Wednesday morning. By the end of the day I felt really sick. I went to Tim's afterschool. I insisted on going home instead of going there and making him sick, but he wanted me to despite that. We listened to music and talked for hours. Eventually I fell asleep and he woke me up an hour later because dinner was ready. It was really good. The food was better than at home. I don't know whether it was because I was sick or what, but it was so so good. I love the smell of his house and his pillow. I could've stayed there forever. Anyway, he offered to drive me home around 9pm. By that time I was really feeling awful. I told him I was staying home and he said he'd ditch school to take care of me. (awww) He came by around 8am and we hung out until noon. We watched a movie and he rubbed my back when my whole body hurt really bad. I can't believe he stayed to take care of me. After he left I fell asleep and my mom came home around 1pm. She didn't know he had been there. Good thing, too, b/c I'm not supposed to have visitors if I don't go to school. He called around 10 after church last night. I stayed home again today, but I insisted that he go to school. I don't want him to miss things just because of me. I called him at lunch, but the connection was bad. He called me back and I talked to him and Shiree for as long as the connection would let us. Shiree got my work and my book. I guess instead of me getting the stuff this weekend, they decided that Tim would bring it to me. He dropped by afterschool with my book and papers in it. We wanted to see eachother tonight, but I couldn't. I can barely walk around the house without getting dizzy. When he left I found a note he wrote me. I'm not going to say what it says because that's my secret. They're my words. I never thought he or anyone else would care about me enough to take care of me like that. To check up on me and be there for me. I feel like I owe him so much. Of course he's just going to tell me not to worry about it. I can't help but care though. I want to make him as happy as he's made me these past few days happy for me. That's just what you do when you care about someone. You want to make them happy and you want to be happy. I hope I never forget how to do that. He knows how to do that more than I do. Who knew he could come into my life so fast. Thank you, God.
Goodnight**

Love Always,
Hillary

post a comment



Date:2003-09-16 20:17
Subject:Take two nights of ecstacy and call me in the morning
Security:Public
Mood: indescribable

God, my weekend was freaking great. Turns out that Tim decided I should be his gf last Friday. So that's now what i am. I thought I'd feel uncomfortable about it, but not for my on sake. Just for others. Then I realized (or more like I was told) that i shouldn't care what others think of me and Tim. All the same, we're keeping our relationship low for the time being. He surprised me on friday when he came over around 9pm with darcell and brandon. i was asleep and he woke me up to see if i wanted to go for a drive with him. seeing as i'd rather be with him than sleep, i got dressed and went. we dropped off the other guys and just drove around and talked for a couple hours. he hit a bunny!! you could here the skull crak under the back tire... it was so sad. :( anyway, saturday i went to lancaster and saw Once Upon A Time in Mexico. it was sooo awesome! johnny depp got his eyes drilled out and he got in a gunfight with some mexicans and killed um! hahaha.... good stuff. anyway, then i went shoping or my work outfit. once a month in job skills we have to dress up for work day or something, so i got some stuff for that. umm.. then i went home, ate dinner and waited for tim to pick me up. he called and said he was gonna be late cuz of some people. he picked me up around 6:30pm and we picked up darcell. we drove out to mojave on the back roads cuz his tags are expired and he hasnt gotten his permit yet. his car has "Give me a ticket" written all over it, but we got through the night. oh yeah, on the drive there tim was unplugging a cord from the cigarette lighter to plug in his c.d. player. anyway, he yanked the cord out of it and it hit me in the face! man.. in my left eye too. the same eye dave hit me in at the movies a while back. i have bad luck with that. i always get hurt on a first date. i should e blind by now. he felt soo bad, but not as bad as me. haha.. it was actually really funny (after i stopped crying). j/k we picked up valeria uhl and headed to cassie's for directions to the bonfire. when we got there all these guys came up to our car. i thought they were going to shoot us or something. anyway, they asked us if we had any drugs. then when we said no they asked if we had money for drugs. lol when we said no to that they invited us to a party that would have drugs so we could take drugs with them. they were already high and drunk as hell. lol... obviously, we skipped out on their party and there ended up being no bonfire. we decided to head to the park instead. we played there, then chose to go into mhs and vandalize it. fun fun... we stole all the homecoming, dress up days, etc. posters and the sprinklers turned on! we played in them for like half an hour! it was so nice cuz it was a hot night. we also got in a grass fight, so by the time we got caught by Mr. Gallen we were drenched and covered with grass and dirt. lol Mr. Gallen said, "Are you having fun?".... "yes sir" we replied. "Any more of you?"...."No sir." "Well, don't do anything illegal, have fun, night."...."cool sir!" and we hung out in the sprinklers some more. then we wnet o the football field and tim and i got some alone time to talk quitely to one another. after that we headed to isaiah's around 10pm and got free food and drinks from him. we got some gas and picked up brandon from the j.v. football bus that stopped at mhs and dropped valeria off in mojave. we four headed back to cal city cuz i had to be home by midnight. an idea donned on me and we decided that i'd go in, say goodnight to my mom, turn all the lights and stuff off, and sneak back out to the car. the plan worked. they thought i was asleep and never knew i was gone all night. we drove around more and stopped by people's houses to say hi and stuff. we went out to "The Wall" where dirtbikers ride in the desert on ramps and stuff. we had a mini bonfire that took us like 20 mins. to get the fire going. we burnt all the posters...hehe. dont tell!!!! grr. umm... after that we dropped off brandon and picked up joey uribe. we ha danother bigger bonfire out by silver saddle. we tried to get a hold some beer all night, but i knew tim shouldnt drink cause he was driving. so we didnt end up getting any. i got home around 3:30am and plopped on the bed and fell asleep. All wet, grass drenched, black eyed, and evereything... it was bliss. we might do it againt his weekend but better planned out. meaning this time we'll have some alcohol. i'm going to tim's tomorrow afterschool so we can hang out then. i hate the fucking attention that goes along with having a bf, so if you're reading this. dont tease me, talk to me, or bug me about it. :) thats all i ask... umm i haven't got anything else to say right now. so i'll leave you alone now.

---Hill

post a comment


archives
my journal