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Tell me your secrets, ask me your questions.. [20 Nov 2009|11:38am] I hope you find what you were looking for. I remember the smile and the laugh. I would've never expected they be traded in for a gun. I should've called you after high school blew over. You were meant for more than this. At least your family was all together. In your final hour, final breaths I pray you found peace. RIP John Darpino <3 See you on the other side. Check yes or no

"She's pretty, if that's what you're into.." [03 Jul 2009|06:03pm] Giving everything from the world down to my bones hoping that in another light you could make me not alone. Moons and tides wax and wane I still wait for you to come home its not just where you rest your head but where you bleed and moan and in those arms that cradle you resonating, louder now that racing deafning pounding my universes only sound i see blue eyes in the stars her shape among the trees that adhesive cob web smile that brings me to my knees when everything youve lived for goes against all that ive worked towards be careful where you step darling youll find the body under the floor boards. 1 Check yes or no

Giving up the ghost [18 Jun 2009|12:34pm] It's been going back and forth since February 2007. We ran in spurts. Green light for a month or two, red light for 6-8. The others would come and go and break you, and it just took a few empty bottles to bring you back to me. Not that I can hold any of that against you, I was just as guilty. And this was just a game. We were on again by late December, then off til Mid-October 2008. Finally at the ned of January we seemed to have each other on the same page. We had our fights and our misunderstandings. You weren't ready, it was too soon. I waited. You had everyone fooled. All of our friends, even your family. They still ask about "us." But "we" never really were. As much as the thought killed me I knew I had to get out. I love you, you were my best friend. I told you everything, I must've just been too comfortable. You'd tell me you wanted space, so I'd keep my distance, then you'd chase after me. When we fell asleep with your arm around me and your nose burried between my shoulder blades, and when I'd wake up to you kissing the nape of my neck, how can we be just friends? You cross the line over and over, and expect me not to feel wronged. I've got this heavy, sinking feeling that this is the end. I was so strong when I walked out on you. I wasn't losing sleep, you were up til 4. I was out with old friends I hadn't seen in years, you were sitting home alone. And you found me, and you apologized "you have to talk to me!" and I was silly enough to believe the teary eyed boy standing over me. I wanted so badly to believe that I didn't have to throw this all away. I'm such a child sometimes, to think life would work out in such a way. So I took you back, and you took me home, and less than 24 hours later you were screaming. It doesn't have to be this hard. Check yes or no

You know that saying, about killing the thing you love, yeah well look, it works both ways. [25 Dec 2007|06:10pm] I said I wanted to meet someone amazing, and I needed a change in my life. I had just moved into my dorm at Stockton on Tuesday, and went to work Wednesday, 4 p.m. Normal Normal Normal. Then he walked in, and he ruined everything. I had seen him around, heard all the warnings "stay away from him, please, just trust me." but you know, you can't even just listen to people. Even if it's one of your closest friends, since you were two, and she got you hired , she was the reason why you ended up behind the little bar in Vineland, New Jersey. She knew he was bad news, because she had played that hand and lost miserably herself. I had seen him come in with his ex, and they always argued, shamelessly in public, just screaming. I had seen him while I was out with Angie, I didn't know I was going to walk the path that she and Stacy had. So he walks in, and sits down at the end of the bar. His black hair's shining, a few gray hairs here and there. His blue green gray eyes amazing, and that crooked smile, that smirk revealing all his perfectly shaped, perfectly white, perfectly placed teeth. He's 5'9", about 140lbs..lanky. Well dressed and well spoken. Anything bad anyone ever had to say about this boy went out the window, and I refused to serve him. He stayed. I eventually broke down, laughing. We joked, I ripped him apart. "Honestly, I don't know why you even bother to breathe, if I were you I would've killed myself by now." He wouldn't leave. He asked for my number. 6-0-9-7-8-0-3-8-5-6-9-8--3-5-7-6.. he smiled and kind of nodded that "figures, guess I deserve that" way. I laughed, and told him the first 10 digits were right. He called me before he even got out of the door, just to be sure. "call me when you're done." It was simple, but demanding, and almost cocky. I called, against my better judgement. He answered. I ended up at his house around midnight. I didn't leave until 6 a.m. We sat up all night talking, and it was envigorating. His words and the way he carried himself made me feel so alive. I almost couldnt take it. Immediately, and I don't know why, I dropped anyone else I had been stringing along, for him. No more Matt, no more Steve, no more Dennis. Just this stranger, who fell out of an express catalog, and wore suits just because he knew he looked good in them. This became a habit, him and I. I found myself next to him on the couch watching movies and talking or out to dinner after work 4-5 times a week. "i'm just a flavor of the week to you.." we joked. two weeks, three, a month. He had the ability to make me absolutely miserable, and feel like I had completely anbd utterly died inside, and just because he didn't call or text. We talked every single day since the night we met, August 29th. "The tragedy of the world today is that no one takes the time to just lie beneathe the stars and enjoy the peace, the nature, and what God created. We're all too busy and caught up in petty bullshit that will never matter longer than we want it to." I saw a shooting star falling across the sky above the street, at his house. We were resting against my car. I didn't know his intentions with me, but if this was a game he was playing, he was too good for me to even TRY to fight back. And so it went. I met his family, including his less-than-charming brother. He was always worried he'd end up like his brother, fat like his brother, balding like his brother, obnoxious like his brother. His brother is 30, an 'outlaw' and lives in their parents basement. Soon everyone knew about us, and I couldn't be happier. It wasn't perfect, but that's what I liked the most. He reminded me of Edward Norton's character in Fight Club, which is fitting because both of us ADORE chuck palahniuk. We had our first fight. I got into a car accident, and he was out with friends, so I ended up talking to his brother about it. 7 a.m. my phone rang, "you know..I didn't think it would take you this long..actually, I thought it would take you a little bit longer, before you fucked up...but you severely fucked up..and you know, I was acutally hoping to talk to you about this, but right now I really don't care, so yeah FUCK YOU." Then the texts "you're as bad as my ex" but we talked it out, and we were fine, we went to lunch the next day. He smelled like clove cigarettes. Sunday we were out after work, tuesday I was at his house, wednesday, thursday we had been texting all day & night and then I get a phone call from lisa "I just saw brandon, with some girl.." A friend from work, who's been having trouble with her boyfriend. It was all so simple, I hoped that was the case, and I told lisa and myself that..more so for me to believe than her. Two months, couldn't be better. Happy wasn't the word. I lived for every little kiss and embrace. Three months, we were falling apart, and I barely saw him..once a week maybe. and another fight. "you do care, you are important, I need you, not any of the other people you think I depend on. believe me." and I wanted to, and I tried. Then one day it all stopped. And we haven't talked since. It's been one month today. And it's still killing me, and I think about you all the time. I compare everyone to you. And I know all of your faults, but they don't matter. You can lie to me, scream at me, cuss at me, but as long as you're in my life it doesn't matter. What's worse, hell or nothing? I can't take the silence, and silence without reason at that! I don't know why we came to a schreeching hault but its all I can do to keep myself sane. I see you in public, you walk away or I drink enough whiskey to be numb to everything around. I really can't do this. I miss being next to you, and your cynacism, and your horrible jokes. the way you felt, the way you smell, the way you'd smile. i wish i could make you see what you mean to me. Check yes or no

I still taste you, and thus reserve my right to hate you [30 Jul 2007|01:14pm] but all this empty space that you create does nothing for my flawless sense of style. I fully believe I am reverting. As I grow older I mentally become younger. I am more naieve, I am so hopeful, and lost. I want a boy to play on the swings with, to race down the slides with, to hold my hand so we can spin around til we're dizzier than we were when we got to the park in the first place. And I put so much into the first kiss. It's epic, it's got to be perfect, perfect. But I've wasted so much time waiting for the perfect instant, and when it arrives, for that split second, I panic under the weight of all the thought and planning I've put into this.. and I freeze. It's the way you look at me, I can't move. I wish I knew what was going on in your head. I hate this. Check yes or no

a lovely day [26 Jun 2007|02:40am] 1- went to kayla kamikaze's 2-went to work, tessa closed for me 3-brandon johnson visited me at work 4- went to brittanie bortle's 5-went to wawa and met up with forster 6-went to sheps. got a dime 7-went to josh taylor's house 8-made pizza, went and met up with lisa 9-ran into timmy siedel who wanted to play jailbreak 10-went to smoke with brittanie and tiffany 11-went to rescue timmy sidel, who shredded his tire 12-went to timmys house and picked up mike 13-went to dollar general to drop off a wrench 14-took phil timmy mike and a new boy to timmy's 15-dropped lisa/brittanie off at lisa's car 16-went to visit thumm Check yes or no

it makes me sick, it makes me shake [23 May 2007|06:33pm] When I came back to you, and said thatafter all this time I had realized that no one loved me like you -genuinely; I can't trust anyone the way I could trust you -completely; No one made me as happy on a regular basis as you did -honestly..I meant that I realized I had taken you, "us" for granted. Yet, somehow you took it as a "last resort" so I wouldn't be alone. Just listen. There aren't words to express my level of appreciation for you. Any little thing you do or say, doesn't and has never had an alterior motive. You aren't out to get anything, you just wanted love. That's so rare..so so rare, especially for our age. I really wish we hadn't fallen in love so young, because I really think we could have been something big. As scary as it is to think about or admit to, I could see myself with you forever. It's crazy, insane, I know I know, but honestly. We hardly ever fought, and when we did it wasn't for long..I'm sorry for how I acted towards the end though, It really was me. I don't know why I insisted on looking for things to pick apart, and now you're scared. "I don't know if I'm ready or want commitment again..I'm afraid I'll do something, I do so many little things, meaning well, and thinking I'm doing the right thing.. but in the end I only make things worse..just stupid decisions I make." But, you forget how well I know you, and what you're thinking, and your intentions. When we kissed I tried to make it as close to old times as possible, as I'm sure you noticed. I regret leaving over a year later. I've never been that back-and-forth girl. I always critisized couples who got together and broke up, but I've seen enough of the world without you and it isn't what I expected or what I want. So here it is, my second attempt at coming back to you. The first time you chose someone else. Broke my heart right infront of me, though you said it was only because you were still hurting and wanted to make me hurt.. I don't know.. I just don't know. I'm the type who could swallow the sea to wash down all my pride, and you know it. Please don't tell me you're just fucking with my head becayse you can.. again. Check yes or no

I Love Stars [18 May 2007|04:04am] Try as he might He's unable to speak.. He grabs her by the hair, He strokes her on the cheek. The bed is unmade, like everything is,.. Dark little heaven at the top of the stairs. "Take me like that. Ruin it all. And build it again by the light in the hall." He drops to his knees, Says "please, my love, please.. I'll kill who you hate, take off that dress you won't freeze." He starts with her back 'Cause that's what he sees When she's breaking his heart.. She still fucks like a tease. Release to the sky, Look him straight in the eye, And tell him right now That you wish he "would die!" You'll never touch him again "So, get what you can." Leaving him empty Just because he's a man. So good when it ends. They'll never be friends. One more night, That's all they can spend. One More Night, That was a good one.. One More Night, I dreamed it was a good one, One More One More Night, That was a good one. One More Night, The end should be a good one, A good one. Check yes or no

We learn as we age, we've learned nothing. [12 May 2007|08:16am] Have you ever met someone, who the sight of made you so happy that actually it made you sad? Because you know they don't realize how much you appreciate them, just for the fact that they're here and they exist. I know I don't stand a chance, but he tries to pacify me.. he's such an amazing person, a genuinely nice guy, and I was so certain they didn't make those anymore. There really just aren't words for him..I can't verbalize any idea of how I feel around him.. I just make jokes, or massage the back of his head..rub his shoulders, anything he wants/needs he gets. I drop everything for him, and he knows by my smile, my incessant giggling that he's got me head over heels. ------------------------------------------------------------------ It's been one year since I broke up with Bruce. We hung out the day before and day of our 'aniversary' (11/30/04-05/09/06) It wasn't awkward or anything. We've been talking a lot more than usual as well. Not a lot a lot but, compared to previously. ------------------------------------------------------------------ And then there was last weekend. I saw Andy and Jimmy for the first time in a while. Thinking back, my first few entries on here were about Jimmy. ..Oh how things change. I ended up kissing Jimmy and lying with him for a while, but I knew what he wanted (somethings never change) and keeping with that theme he still didn't get it. He got fed up with me (I suppose) and left with about half the other people that were with us to go terrorize the boardwalk. Meanwhile I sat and talked with Andy, we held hands and laid together until we fell asleep, which wasn't until sunrise. It was nice to not be alone, you know? If Andy wanted to pursue something I'm pretty sure I'd go for it. He's a nice guy, funny, cute..yea. It pissed Jimmy off too, because when they came back we were facing eachother, his arm around my waist, with our heads tilted so that our foreheads were resting on eachother. How hallmark. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Then, at last, there's Lopez. I don't know him very well yet, but he's a sweetheart so far. He's got a pretty good sense of humor, he's a little off sometimes but, it happens. He's comfortable, it's casual. I talk to him at some point everyday. We kiss, cuddle, all that bullshit, but I guess it's one of those "I'm tired of being alone" situations. He's no Rob. I was telling Niki how everyone's been asking about "us" lately, because I met him through her. She laughed "nah don't worry about it, he's fucking some ghetto girl" She doesn't know anything about us, or she probably wouldn't have said that so nonchalantly. I don't know. -------------------------------------------------------------------- I just don't know where I stand or who I want to run with. But, Ive been conditioned to accept that love is a figment of the imagination. It's all dreamed up, so that we have something to make movies and write songs about, and everyone wants it because no one has it. Hence, it's always on demand. All people seem to be looking for is body heat. The "you'll do for now" way of life is killing me. Check yes or no

Guess I feel like a pinata, won't you take a swing at me?? [26 Feb 2007|11:45pm] you're so cute sometimes. little things you do, and say..and the way you smile with such a downward doubtful glance..but theres never doubt ot question in your voice. when my eyeliner rubs off on the tip of your nose, or when you kiss me on the forehead..to when you push me against a wall, when i shut the door in your face and say im leaving! storming up the stairs just to see if you'll chase me. i want you to chase me. stop making the eyes at me, ill stop making the eyes at you. what it is that surprises me, is that i dont really want you to.. Last night you surprised me, showing some interest, a little worried...I really hope you arent just telling me what i want to hear. you make me smile. i make you smile. we're still a little rough around the edges, and not making much sense.. but it's alright if you tell me we're alright. Check yes or no

You've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat.. [11 Feb 2007|01:05am] There isn't a word to describe how I feel about being let down. I look my dissapointments square in the eyes, and it makes me sick, but I don't hint it in the least on the outside. It's alright though, time heals all wounds after all. 'm still sorry about the way thing's worked out with him, seeing him made my stomach jump and spin, like usual, but in an unpleasant way. And because one is never enough, I call Nick only to hear him slur his speech and tell me he can't do anything tonight, 'stuff came up.' It's just as well. He won't leave Faith, and I wouldn't ask him to. He reminds me too much of James. I can only take that type of personality in small small doses. "They come in threes.." I sat with Niki and Adam and listened to him talk to her, and watched his reactions to what she said, and what he thought she might do, and I know he never felt anything for me, aside from temporary want..lust. I bought the act, I can't take it back, I wouldn't..it isn't so awkward, but it isn't my favorite conversation to play third-wheel in. I vented a little to Jackie, well it wasn't venting because there wasn't anger..it was..reflecting I suppose. But, it's nice to talk. The night wasn't all bad, not at all. I had to close, but Rob was checker. I finished my side work and was finished by 11, when we close to the public. There wasn't any silverware for the checkers though, so me and niki rolled a decent amount. Then Adam sat with Niki..and then Rob sat with me. Niki and Adam left to go to applebees for a drink or two, leaving me and Rob. I was trapped in the booth by him, and he was counting his money. "I guess it's a good way to be trapped." We talked a bit, Angelo joined us for a minute..linda came out and we straightened up a bit. Rob cashed out while I finished Niki's sidework that she didn't do while wasting 2 hours waiting on Adam. I got a hug at the end of the night from Rob, and we walked to our cars together. "G'night hun, and thanks a lot for your help." He's such a sweetheart, he brigthens things up at dingy Red Lobster 748. Lately, as far as relationships and anything under that general classification go, anyone I've been attracted to, has been a primarily physical attraction. "I just want to kiss him" but with Rob it isn't like that. I just enjoy being around him, talking to him, listening to his stories and laughing at his jokes. He's very good looking, don't get me wrong, but that's the last thing on my mind when it comes to him. I enjoy his company. I wish he wasn't 5 years older than me. It doesn't seem like there's a gap or any social barrier between us, but I do know that a girl we work with, who's a few months older than me, actually, tried to talk to him and he said "you're too young." Now, I don't know if he only said that as a way of letting the girl down easily, because no one especially cares for her, or if the age difference would/does actually bother him. I say crazy things to him, I'm overly flirtatious, to a ridiculous extent...where the only response is a wide close eyed smile and shaking of the head. "You're my favorite, you make me smile" 'oh stop it, shut up, you say that to everyone.' But with him a really do mean it. 'I saw you flirting with Mark, I heard it..' "I said I liked his hair, in honesty he couldn't get the time of day, you can have all day all week." and again he shakes his head and chuckles. He acts as if he doesn't believe me, that I'm just being funny..but the funny part is that I'm serious and can just blurt out how I feel..When I like someone I close up I get quiet out of fear, but again he's different. He has the best laugh I've ever heard. He does this weird, almost half hug type of thing, but not quite. It's like the type of embrace where the two involved kiss eachother on the cheek before parting, and I've been tempted, but I don't want things to be awkward..but I think next time I have the opportunity, and it's just us talking somewhere I'll risk it. Check yes or no

They call kids like us vicious, and carved out of stone.. [01 Feb 2007|10:24pm] But, for what we've become we just feel more alone. More and more I'm being told that I must be heartless, and have no conscience. I almost believe it, I've found the off switch and I'm jaded. I'm only upset because I don't feel bad. I dont feel guilty. I'm a homewrecker more and more. I wasn't single this summer when I was with Paul, and he wasn't free either. He's engaged to the girl he cheated on now, actually. And based on his letters he'd cheat on her again given the chance. Scary thing is he'll be back in the country in August. Also, I locked lips with Brian who lied about being done with Ashley, and I KNEW the entire time he was lying, I knew he was still involved. It didn't go anywhere..in the long run or in the moment, he was agressive but I stood my ground. Although I may be low, I have some standards to uphold. I had strong feelings for both of them, in my defense. I can't say that love makes one blind and ignorant to the world around, because I knew I knew better, I just couldn't help myself. Once there's tha first kiss, the butterflies..I'm in. I'm done. I know at the very moment 'oh no..no not again.." This time it's different. It's more of an "oh, he's cute..he's entertaining." I met him in mid December and he was a sitting duck. Bored? yeah lets hit up ********. If he was working I'd stop by his area and mess with him..throw some words, a wink and blow a kiss..little things..harmless harmless harmless. I didn't know much about him..his name really and that he's friends with a friend. Then sunday it changed. I was there with corey and lisa, and I saw him nad as usual made some cat calls, which were returned and we laughed. "c'mere." 'why?, my ankle's broken.. you come here..i'm not healed yet.' "Just c'mere real quick and gimme a kiss.." ::corey::did he just ask for a kiss? he's crazy omg nicole.. I laughed it off. 'If you want a kiss you've got to come over here, if not then..well..I guess you're beat huh?' and to my slight surprise he drove over, next to me. "get in. talk to me" and then it started. that was sunday. and tuesday. wednesday, and tonight. it's escalating. His girlfriend called tonight. I didn't know about her until after we kissed sunday. too late for change then. He started it, initiated it, it's his prerogative. She sounded worried, scared even. He played it off, "I had to work overtime sorry, i'll be home soon though." She didn't buy it so easily, though I was impressed at how natural he was playing it off. 'You sure? So if I ride by I'll see your car? I'll see you.. okay. Better..' His car wasn't anywhere close. And i was trying not to laugh in the background. Always weigh what I've got against what I left, so progress report I'm missing you to death. someonesaveme Check yes or no

Tell me that i'm alright.. and everything is fine. [01 Jan 2007|10:50pm] Just lie to me, sweetly. In a perfect world I imagined, I'd go to cornell with paul and everything would be like this last summer. I'd be successful and happy, and in ithaca. Paul got accepted. My application is being processed. I just don't think I can have that perfect life, for some reason I dont think that God has it in his plans to give me something that amazing. That.. perfect. The future freaks me out. I'm hyperventilating, and I feel like i'm going to be sick. i can't sleep. nothing compares to this. this is everything to me. Its horrible that so much rides on so little. the way i'm protrayed on paper determines my life..forever. all of this daily..in and out passing the time bull shit. its worthless its pointless. i dont want to live for the moment. i want to live for ..ever. Check yes or no

As We All Come Undone.. [29 Dec 2006|10:55am] Ten Little Known Facts About Me..Just for the sake of insecurity. 1. I attempt to combat the feeling on inadequacy with cosmetically changing my appearance. New eyeliner or hair color, new make up routine in general..bronzers, tanning, etc. 2.I take almost everything personally, I always have. 3.I still think about the maybes and what ifs from years ago. If I had rethought what I said, or dressed differently, anything, every little detail. 4. An Ocean, 7 time zones, A different continent, a differeny country, A different hemisphere entirely..but Istillmisshim. I think about him almost daily, if not daily. I'm not a girl cut out for summer flings, that's for sure. He's engaged now, I was excited for him. I wasn't attracted to him when I first met him, and I don't think I want to be with him now romantically, I just..miss him. 5.And state side, I'm sick of being alone. It's so bad that it's to the point that if Adam called I'd go run back to him, hell i have fairly recently, who am I kidding. The situation, however, is not desperate enough to where I would call Nick Cuff. 6.Some of the people I love the most, some of my closest friends.. I've either been around too much lately and they're kind of irking me, or I haven't hung out with them in the longest time and it's killing me. 7.Back to the past, that I seem to live in, There's a boy I used to care about, a lot. But things have changed completely, and i see him from time to time and we talk briefly..I guess so it won't be awkward silence...but I've been thinking about asking him to hangout, just as friends, because I think we'd get a long really well. 8. If I could go back in time I would apply myself in highschool and work as hard as a I could, instead of telling myself I would and then slacking off. Then I'd have a better chance with Cornell, thinking about it makes me sick. I don't think I've wanted something to sadly. 9.I spend hours trying to figure out why I'm never good enough, or why I'm not as good at meeting people/getting involved with people, as some of my best friends are. It seems like they could have anyone they want..and me..no such luck, but then again I only go after those who I know I can't have. If I look at it that way then I guess I'm lucky, because even the people I thought I had no chance in hell with, I talked to, even if only for a few weeks. 10. Brand New and Coldplay make me cry, because they illustrate or provoke a lot of memories. Check yes or no

And i've got a twenty dollar bill that says.. [19 Dec 2006|09:26pm] our situation may have changed, drastically, but some things will always be the same. The way you smile, the way you smell, the way you laugh. I love it, I can't get enough of it. I hate it. I hate you. You make me sick, and not in a good way, not anymore. You're sitting next to me, in my passenger seat, and it brings back memories. I'm playing with my hair, because it's kind of awkward, it shouldn't be. So we used to make out passionately, like we had been starved of any human contact for years, while pressed up against the very window you were currently looking out of? We barely talked at all at work, do we think we can cover our tracks? After being found out by everyone, weeks ago? It doesn't matter anymore. "You always make me laugh, you're so "good little white boy" but you burst out with "I like gangsta rap and drugs!" "damn straight, thats how i roll" typical you. Dressed in gap from head to toe, hair elegantly disheveled with gel. You ask about my plans, and we make out exchange. Prescriptions for Cash, 'partners'..still partners..just a different game, just as dangerous though, isn't it? I found a new muse, to take my mind off of you, because I'll admit, I knew you were no good from the get go.. And just as quickly as the boy who made my stomach jump, made my heart pound, who had such a sweet kiss, and had that secret shy side that I sometimes felt only I knew, walked into my life.. he walked out. "I got fired" No more stealing kisses in the back alley, or worse the mens room. No more staying late to keep you company while you closed, or sitting with you in the parking lot ignoring my phone calls, kissing your neck while you talked to your best friend, my cousin, about a party you were missing, while you stumbled to think of an excuse as to why you were missing it. Now when I go to work I have nothing to look forward to, besides..work itself. You make it worth while. In your own right, you both did. I don't think you knew about eachother. Only one of you would have really cared I suppose. I wish I could turn back time. November 5th was a favorite. I had both of you where I wanted you. Things change all too quickly. Check yes or no

So who do you think you're kidding? [11 Dec 2006|01:35pm] Perkasettes and Pregnancy tests. I need a tan. I feel like a junky. Living on iced coffee and prescription pain killers, I've got needles holes on the opposite side of my elbows. I need to highlight my hair, to avoid a breakdown. Because that's what I do. Any time I feel inaddequate I go no the borderline of a breakdown. Well, maybe I can fix myself if I change something..maybe my hair? yes..darker lighter highlights lowlights curls straightened longer shorter something something something. The makeup isnt enough & I almost feel like I'm losing myself anymore. I listen to the music that he likes more than the music I like, so that I can keep up in conversation. He changes on a regular basis, but the outcome is always always the exact same thing. Every girl I look at, I think, what does she have that I don't. I never seem to find anything better though. In my mind I've got a hell of a lot to offer. So I could lose 20 pounds, maybe get my nails done..but other than that I can't find anything. AmItheonlyonewhoseeswhatyouremissingbynotgivingmeachance? must be. And I'm so materialistic anymore. I'm laughter and uppers and bad money management. Is that a tripple threat? I chase a designer label more than ever. My giggling echoes, it's not even that it's outbursts. And they fill the room and I know it's got to be suffocating to anyone else attempting to hold a conversation. Dooney purse, Dior sunglasses, riding the volvo about town like gas is free. I need something new. Something real. Something that isn't artificial and that I won't find with a price tag. Check yes or no

It's one thing that I can do nothing about.. [29 Nov 2006|05:22pm] This has been going on for years, my Uncle bobby and his constant battle. He had a stroke shortly after his wife died, a little over two years ago. He's in his 70s and it was a harsh stroke. He became paralyzed on one side and lost most of his ability to speak along with that. He was never someone to just sit around, he liked to be up and out and doing things and socializing. It's been over a year since I've seen him. There were 4 brothers, my poppop died when I was in fifth grade, my other uncles either before I was born or before I was old enough to remember, and he's been the last ever since. I've prayed for him almost every night and I've wanted to see him, I thought about him often, but I never could remember how to get to his house, or which house was his, to go see him. He decided that he no longer wants to live stuck in a bed all day, helplessly. And it's no way to live, I have to admit. He doesn't want his feeding tube anymore (decided late monday) and he won't let anyone feed him. His kidneys will shut down, he'll become dehydrated, and die of starvation. He doesn't have long. It's killing me to think of someone just laying down and dying, just giving up. Mentally and emotionally he's all there. Age hasn't taken anything away from him, and I know that if it wasn't for his stroke he'd be up and about right now, stirring up shit. He's always had an unbelieveable rowdy spirit..I guess it runs in the family. I'm going to go look death in the face, I'll see it in his eyes, and I know he'll try to hide it. Last time I went to see him he absolutely lit up, and I'm just sorry that I didn't go see him more. I should have demanded to. But it's too late now, time's passing and he's slowly fading. I know there's nothing I can do, or say to make him change his mind, it's a big decision and he's set on it. He's going to something better, and I know it.. he'll be able to walk and talk and see everyone he's been missing..I feel selfish wanting him to keep on living the way he has been, but it's such a great loss. I'm still young and afraid to die, he's had his time I suppose but it's still too soon, he's cutting himself short..and I can't fathom something of that magnitude. It's like losing my poppop all over again. I thought praying could be enough to help him, to change things..but miracles don't come from crying into your pillow. I want to fast, so that I can feel his hunger, his thirst. I want to refuse to speak so that I can understand his frustration. I know that in reality I can't stick to all of that, the world won't let me. Just the thought of him dying.. just lying in bed hungry and alone it's tearing me apart. I'm going to see him tonight. I'm waiting on stultz. Check yes or no

I'm so sick [13 Nov 2006|07:37pm] I'm sick of the head games and the mess. Chasing rabbits and talking in circles. Why can't anyone be straight forward when it matters most? And whatever happened to everyone deserves a chance. "Nothing's pointless" except for maybe wasting time in a parking lot kissing the neck of a boy who you wish you never met. Check yes or no

So we're alone again. [12 Nov 2006|04:58pm] You confuse me to know end. I don't know whether there is actual attraction or an ulterior motive. Co-workers with benefits. That's what I'm calling us. I call you occasionally, and you talk with me for a while, not sounding too put off by the fact that I called. But you never call me. I try to make plans here and there, the day of type plans, because I'm no good with ahead of time plans. You however, always have something already going on. You can't make time for me. But at work when I do see you, I catch you staring sometimes. And you help me out when you can, by doing little things like holding a door. When we're alone and I go to kiss you, I pull away and you still go in for the kiss and I laugh at you..and you reply with "aww you're fucked up." and then you won't kiss me unless I pretty much jump on you. But you let me. You always let me. I asked you to walk me to my car, and you did I was holding your arm to make sure you wouldn't leave, and you told me that you weren't going to and that I didn't need to pull you. "C'mon walk with me.. you know you want to.." 'Maybe.' You don't give me straight answers. We ended up walking to your car and talking. You had a party to go to and people to meet up with, but you spared me "five minutes" which turned into 15-20. We kissed some more while your phone went off. I kissed your neck while you attempted to respond to my cousin, then your cousin. You were enjoying it, and I know it, because I saw your eyes closed, and head tilted back..I laughed and pointed out that you kind of stuttered a little when I nibbled on your ear. "You're fucked up." you always say that and smile, when I don't kiss you, or I laugh at you, or I kiss you all over. "You want me to stop? because I'll leave.." but you don't say anything..you just kind make a laughing sign and shake your head. And as last time, one of my parents showed up and cut out after work "hook up" short. "You're going to get me in trouble." and I laughed at how worried you looked, because honestly there's nothing to worry about. I hastily said goodbye and walked over to speak with my dad who was on his way out of the state, you ended up almost hitting him in your rush to get away. You keep me guessing. At times you seem uninterested, but if you weren't why would you kiss me and sit with me after work when you could be home sleeping or at a party drinking/smoking? I don't know how to read you. at all. "Do I bother you? Do you want me to stop harassing you the way I do?" 'How do you harass me??' "By hanging around and pushing you around a little..and taking your stuff..you know.' "no, it's fine." 'Well, is this pointless? Should I give up? because you always blow me off, and I don't want to waste my time..so honestly..' "I don't blow you off! ::laughs:: and nothing's ever pointless ever." You give me that coy smile, and I don't know if you're trying to play hard to get or just being polite and not crushing my feelings. I wish I had a definate sign. 4 Check yes or no

It was only a kiss.. [10 Nov 2006|11:15am] I've got love, and romance, and relationships..the entire process, all completely and entirely ass backwards. Which is probably why I'm alone. There should be attraction, anticipation, nervousness, suspense, and all that should lead up to the first kiss, where it's magic and wonderful and life's life a movie, and it takes your breath away. I however, choose to makeout with someone first, sit and think about it for a few days, and then decided if I actually might like them or not. Bad strategy...worst game plan EVER. So there's Nick. I met him about a month ago when I was out with Caite, and he's cool and all. There's nothing bad about him, aside from he kind of resembles Jimmy Cauley (from a few years ago..before he got..I dont know how to describe it, but Jimmy freshman year=hott! Jimmy now= no. not at all) Anyway, I think the biggest problem there is I know I can have Nick if I want him, there's no chase. None at all. It was cute on Thursday though, when we first kissed. He was tickling me and I was trying to get away from him and just ended up right in his arms. That sounds cute right? But I don't want Nick. On to the next.. Saturday after homecoming I ended up sneaking out at 3 a.m. to see Adam. Adam and I have had our little rendezvous for a month and a half now..probably a little longer. With that situation there was a build up to a first little kiss, and I really was attracted to him. I had a crush on 'higglebobble' I'll admit it. But he's too old, I'm too young. It isnt really awkward at work though, just no one can know about it..but everyone's been pretty suspicious since Taneisha saw us kissing in the parking lot. We hooked up..I guess that would be Sunday morning. No one knows about that yet. You would think this would cause tension at work, but it's just strange..that it's not so strange. We used to talk at work everytime we'd pass eachother..yelling back to the other one making comments.. but since we started hooking up we don't speak in public.. a wave or a nod or something but not much more. I'm quitting that boy. Then to later on sunday, after work. I got done at 10, because I was closing host, however I stayed and helped Amanda(who just started bartending) break down the bar, and then I stayed and bullshitted with her, robbie, and Josh. I had always thought Josh was cute, but he's really quiet..or is at work atleast. We always push eachother around and threaten eachother, nothing serious. He'll tell me I'm "gonna get fucked up" and I'll respond by pushing him against a wall saying "by who? obviously not you because I can push you around without even trying." and he told me he let me push him around. Why else would someone want you to pin them to a wall? So I went in for a kiss, on tip toe with my hand around his neck..just to see what he would do. He went in for it, I pulled away laughing. "Aww, I thought you were really going to kiss me.." and I smiled "what would you do if I did?" and then there was the cute little moment where we kissed.."I guess I'd kiss you back" he smiled and we went back to work on our seperate sides of the restuarant. Later that night, as I was saying, I waited around until the resturant closed completely and sat and talked with Josh in the parking lot for a while. We ended up talking and making out for an hour and a half ish..in his jeep. I think I might actually like him. What I don't like is the fact that he never has time to chill, or never makes time rather. excuses excuses.. in this case..there's too much of a chase and I don't know what's going on. Wayne, a server from work, told me he has a crush on me last night, I said thanks. Wayne's a nice guy, but he's like..6 years older than me. I told him I don't hook up with coworkers, he called me a liar. I laughed. He found out about me and Adam, I don't know how though. I just hate how the guys I don't care about are always around if I want them..and the one I want doesn't have time for me at all. not ever. But that's how it works. Check yes or no

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