The Green Knight

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29th March 2005

3:04am: Doomed to a life of mediocrity
Television and movies do nothing but perpetuate the nearly unachievable stereotype of youth. Most, like myself, were deprived of the "normal" youth experience that we've seen on tv. Life doesn't work out like we want and nothing will be "ok with time". Much of my generation is slowly realizing this fact as it is being shoved up our their asses by the cold heartless world. This leads some, like myself to seek desperate means of escape.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: echos of laughter in my empty skull

13th December 2004

11:03am: misery
The world as i know it is a lie.
I escape reality any way i can. therefore, i live through distraction. but to distract oneself from reality is no reality at all. here i am at a paradox. i cannot live without distraction, yet i cannot be living through it.
ps. love the gnub

1st December 2003

2:12am: Its been a while, lets catch up
Last weekend I went to two concerts. This was the highlight of my semester so far. First, I attended an Anti-flag/Rise Against/Against Me concert, it was awesome. There were a lot of warm up bands but the featured bands were great. Rise Against put on an amazing show as always, and Anti-flag did no less. Ive seen both bands three times now and they always seem to get better. Two days later, I went to a Less Than Jake show in detroit. This was possibly the best single show ive seen (apart from a warped tour). LTJ rocked my socks off. I lost my shoes crowd surfing and later found them again, I met some of the midland skate crew, and to top it all of Tommy Tutone was an opening band. Fuck! it was an amazing show!
I stupidly left my car in ann arbor, thinking that i could retrieve it after the ltj show. What an idiot I am. We couldnt find it after the show so we went home. The next day, my dad had to skip work to drive me 2 hrs out of the way to get it. Whats worse is that i didnt remember where it was, just that it was in a kroeger parking lot. We drove around ann arbor for 3 hrs and 6 kroegers before we found it. My dad was pissed. All in all, it was a sexellent weekend.
This weekend, thanksgiving, i spent at home in bed with the flu, which i am still fighting. What a horrid weekend. Thats about it for this weekend, it sucked ass sassaphrass.
Now to better myself in every possible way until I reach my prime, at which time.... I dont know.

20th November 2003

11:00pm: You know that feeling when suddenly all the songs about being a loser start playing in your head, and for some reason, they all seem to be about you. Well, I do because thats how I feel almost every second of every day. I hate it here, I hate everyone here, I hate myself as well. Its not fun watching people go out every night and have fun while you just sit in your room wishing you could do something about your situation but you cant. It's nearly impossible to change. Especially once someone has an impression of you. I dont think i'll ever escape the label as "just a skater punk" or a "hooligan". everyone thinks I am a bad person or a trouble maker. Everyone also assumes that i am a drug addict just because my last name is Stoner. I need change, i need to leave. One day, people will look for me and i'll be gone. I'll just leave one day to get away from my sad existance and horrible life. I hate my life. believe me, i will get away from here one day, i will start over somewhere. I'll take all of the things that i do and use, all of my thoughts and actions, my lifestyle, even everyone i know and throw it all away, start fresh where no one knows me, then i can truly be me.
The other day i thought about it and came to a conclusion. I have no friends. sure i have acquaintances and people i like and people who like me but they only know me in one role. they dont know me and i dont know them. there are people whom i thought were friends but now that i think about it, no, they're not. Therefore, I have no true friends, i sit alone, depressed in my miserable life. Someone kill me so that it will all just end.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: my thoughts
1:18am: I cant wait until the concerts. Anti-flag/ Rise Against concert and two days later, Less Than Jake. FUCK YEA!!
I may be going to the LTJ show alone but I dont care cause they're my favorite band so fuck it eh.
You know, there is more to Rock Paper Scissors than I thought. There is actually a RPS world wide tournament. I KNOW how easy would that be to win, anyone could do it, it doesn't take skill. I wish I could join the tournament, I'd rock it hard.
1:13am: I've finally set a goal and am actually working at it, yea for me.
Irony= hot topic is a "punk store" right, well who owns hot topic, the same corporation that owns Gap and Abercrombie. Hmmmm... thats wierd how can a store "rebel" against major corporations as punk mainly does if it is a major corporation. I dont get it, oh yea i do. It cancels itself out therefor it doesnt exist.
I'm so FUCKING sick of shows about celebrities. Why are people SO obsessed with celebrities lives. Just because they act like something, doesn't mean they are good or interresting people. Stop with the celebrities. Stop VH1, stop E!, stop MTV.
Current Mood: Disgusted
Current Music: Anti-flag

10th November 2003

11:49pm: Well fans, its finally here. Thats right the Raging Maniacs have just started filming for their 3 rd addition to the R.M. Saga. Movie with a plot. Filming has begun and is expected to end sometime in the winter. Set in the 70's, the movie details a gang of poker friends trying to rescue the blueprints for a rotary calculator from the deadly clutches of Dr. Apocloypse. The movie basically writes itself from there. So prepare to be prepared to prepare to be prepared for the release of the new movie.

7th November 2003

2:04am: Ive lied so many times to so many people, its hard for me to tell whats true anymore. To every person, i'm a different person. I dont know who i am anymore, if i ever did. People think that they know me. No one knows me, not even those closest to me, if there is anyone close to me.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Rise Against

6th November 2003

6:17pm: I hate the fear that cripples me. I hate my lack of confidence. Worst of all, I hate the fact that i cant change. I hate myself.
3:47am: It's late, ive been awake for hours just lying in bed trying to grasp the unobtainable, sleep. Its been a while since i slept soundly, weeks. Ive come to some conclusions today which led to more questions, i gained less by knowing more. im so tired, not physically but mentally.
i have a wedding reception to go to this weekend. it seems like the weekend will never come. the days drag on, minutes seem like hours. the days grow more and more tedious as my body and mind decay from the inside. i am destroying myself. it doesnt matter.
i keep wishing for something, someone to help me, to make it better. it doesnt happen, no one comes, no one helps. i am alone in a crowd, im face among the streaming hoards of people, scurrying about their pointless lives. it doesnt matter, nothing matters. in a thousand years, even a hundred, does the individual life matter, will anyone but the privileged make a difference? i dont know.
so much time and effort is wasted on sensless thoughts and actions. i am a waste of everything.
i am condemmed to the misery of myself.
Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: the sound of mental anguish

5th November 2003

1:15am: Masteurbation is the admission of failure

4th November 2003

3:04am: Not According To Plan (set to a suicide machines type ska rhythm)

Yea the planet is dieing and people are scared
Pollution, violence, drugs and war, I dont really care
cause no matter what we do, we'll always end up screwed
so i say let it burn, Yea let the fucker burn....

Burn all the rain forests and kill all the whales
Lets just dump all our toxic chemicals
into the ocean and watch life fade
and nuke anyone in our way.... (yea nuke anyone in our way)

Kill all the activists and banish the gays
Different views, the right to choose, it's all in a haze
They're fighting for their views, which side should I choose
I say let 'em burn, Yea let the Fuckers burn...

Burn all the cities and scourge all the land
So the worlds not going the way that we planned
I dont care what you have to say
we'll nuke anyone in our way... ( yea we'll nuke anyone in our way)

28th October 2003

12:29am: 8-01-1981
The day music died
August first '81 is known as the day MTV aired on television. Ironic that video killed the radio star was the first video shown on MTV. The thing is, video killed more than the radio star, it killed music all together.
Allow me to take you on a journey through time.....
Before MTV, a "rock star" was usually a poor musician who played solely for the music. Money didnt matter because they had none. Were Mozart or Beetoven or Haydn rich? Fuck No. When MTV started everything changed, rock stars became more popular and became, in my opinion, grossly overpaid. People began to exploit this, bands charged ridiculous amounts of money for records, tickets, and merch. Rock star status became legendary, they were praised almost as gods and everyone wanted a piece of it. Thats when the corporations stepped in. Record companies started taking over the bands, monopolizing the music industry itself, top execs becomming richer than imaginable. MTV was no different, why let corporations take the cash? so MTV became a corporation, took over the music industry with videos, merch, and overpriced randomness. Music started to be played for the gain rather than the true purpose, the music it self, the message within the music, and the eternal soul of the artist. There was no longer any "soul" in the music because the musicians had sold their souls to the golden idol, MTV. Dnt get me wrong, there was and still are some bands that haven't "sold out" and still play for what they believe (ie. NOFX, Anti-flag, etc) . These bands are growing fewer and fewer by the day.
I'm not saying just because a bands video is played on MTV they are sell out casualties of social conformity, sometimes they are trying to use the beast to spread their message because this is the fastest way to spread it.
Music isnt about beliefs and values any more, its about money, its about tricking the impressible minds of our youth, to get as rich as you can as fast and easy as you can. We've forgotten the music.
Whats worse, MTV doesnt even play music videos any more. All that they play is bullshit shows about putting a bunch of faggots in a house and watching them fuck and fight. Its not right. They've created an entire new channel for the music (MTV2) because Music Television, cant play music any more. Now I'm seeing "shows" on MTV2. I predict that when people start watching 2 to see the music, they'll fill it with more "reality" shows. Basically they will continue this trend until they need another channel for the music MTV3? How many MTV's is enough? I say cancel MTV and send music back to its roots, rediscover the reason for music. Expression and liberation of the soul.
Current Mood: Contemplating
Current Music: Mad Caddies

27th October 2003

12:49am: I am the epitome of self-loathing
I couldnt take it anymore, i had to leave big rapids. thursday night i felt so comfined to my shitty dorm room that if i didnt leave, i was going to kill something. i came home and, for the first time in weeks, got a full nights sleep. you dont know how refreshing it is until you go without for so long.
I bought an acoustic guitar, now i have something to do in my dorm. if only i had talent...
tomorrow, i hopefully take the next step toward the death of my former self and the birth of my newer, better self. thats right, i have a college visit and hopefully, i can leave big rapids forever. I know i am probably a dissapointment to The General, but im going to transfer to CMU. Whatever, im a dissapointment to everyone, even myself.
i went to a costume party this weekend, only to discover several more things that i hate, me being the first among them. i also discovered that a party is quite lame when you're not drinking, and the people that are, kinda disgust you. I realize this is hypocritical because i drink at almost every opportunity, and i am not a pretty drunk. I hate the things that i am, but changing them would release me from the hate, causing me to slip back to my old ways. its a neverending cycle of hate, low self-esteem, and self-loathing. welcome to my world.
Current Music: R.E.M- Losing My Religion

23rd October 2003

1:43am: My mind is a giant Mad Lib book
I am to uneducated to sound intelligent in my writing, but too intelligent to sound uneducated. I know what I want to say but cannot say it for lack of words. I have intelligent thoughts and yet cannot express them fully simply because i do not know the words capable of expressing these thoughts. All of my friends seem to not have this problem. like i said, my mind is like a mad lib, there are many blanks in my thoughts, gradually they are beginning to fill.
Its 1:40 and this is what im doing, writing my thoughts rather than sleeping. There is a reason for this. I figure, if I write all of my thoughts out, then maybe my mind wont be so clouded and i'll be able to sleep. basically, I am rambling but for a good reason.
What I need is a good mental exercise, maybe a new book, ive gone far too long without reading something that actually interrested and challenged me. Thats it! maybe I cant sleep b/c my brain is not getting enough exercise to tire itself out. Is this possible, am I killing my brain with unuse and laziness? thus is my disease
Current Mood: Rambling
Current Music: Traffic and Plumming
1:25am: The future is bleak.
I am having trouble deciding my future. I am 19 and am expected to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. They told me when I came here, "Dont worry, you dont have to pick a major until your sophomore year" Fuck that, I have approximatly 2 weeks to declare or I have to retake shitty, useless, non-transferrable classes.
Colleges love students like me, I take gen ed classes b/c I cant pick a major, then when I do, the credits dont even transfer. Its bullshit, theyre making so much money off of me, and they know that the more shit classes I take, the more money they get. Fuck them.
I'm transferring out of Ferris. Big Rapids is like the ghetto of Detroit surrounded by the outskirts of Alger, I fucking hate it.
I hate people. Everywhere I look I see people I hate. People who just shouldnt exist. I cant figure out their point in life. Why are people so ugly or stupid, I dont get it. Sometimes I wish I was stupid, life would be a lot easier if I was so dumb that I was happy constantly. Imagine your only worries are what time you are going to eat and where your going to shit, bliss.
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Weiner
1:17am: WHY CANT I SLEEP!!!?
My doctor told me that its unhealthy to lay in bed awake for over a half hour and to go to bed when I'm tired. The problem is, I'm always tired but can never sleep. Right now I'm waiting for the pills to take hold.
Drug induced sleep, strange but this is the only way I can rest at all. The dreams are great though, I mean they are really fucked up, its like a drug trip in your sleep. Every time I sleep due to these pills, I get these dreams, maybe its a side affect.
I have so much shit to do and I just dont do it. I'm such a fuck up.
So many pills these days, birth control, sleeping pills, pills to make you shit, pills to stop shit, pain pills, pills to take you away from your shitty life, maybe one day they'll make a pill that will make me not hate myself, who knows. When do we cross the line of cheating nature.
Current Mood: Uninspired
Current Music: My thoughts

15th October 2003

1:35am: Here I am wondering why I am here. I sit and think that my life could be happier and yet I do nothing about it. i sit and think about changing my life but i dont do anything about it. I consider and plan a life changing course of action but in the end I do nothing. Then I get angry even depressed because my life sucks but I dont really try. Maybe I can change my life. I know I can but I am plagued.
I have a crippling disease. Laziness and apathy, this is my illness, my weakness. I consider this one of the worst diseases known to man. I see my life spiral downward as my debt and depression rise and yet, I can do nothing about it.
No Im not making excuses, Im just too lazy to do anything about it. Maybe I'll change, doubtful. Until I change myself my life will get no better, only worse.
This is my life, the worst rated reality show ever made.
Current Mood: Thinking
Current Music: Silence
1:15am: An online journal
I've finally gone digital. Ive kept a journal for quite a while but on paper. When i discovered blurty, i was skeptical, I mean really, Im not comfortable having people read my thoughts. I then figured, maybe my musings could somehow give insight to another lost soul, who knows. So, to all those searching for answers, to all those looking for guidance, keep looking because all you will find here is apathy and my thoughts. That is all.
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