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Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
5:20 pm
Good Grief it's been forever. I am now at a blog site. My daughter is two and doing well. I am adjusting to motherhood.

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Saturday, April 10th, 2004
9:32 pm
It's been forever since I've written here. Don't know why. I really wanted to keep up this journal.

My daughter is now walking, but still not talking much. She still gets therapy. Her hair is getting much longer and she looks so beautiful when I put it in pigtails and she smiles with those dimples. She is adorable.

Times are still very difficult, but I can say that it is getting a little easier. She is truly a toddler now and getting into everything. Lots of telling her no. I get sick of listening to myself say that word.

She has gone through some phases. She is in one now where she just screams....like one of those horror movie screams, when she doesn't get her way. I'm now putting her in a time out whenever she does that. The timeout just lasts a minute. And so after a few times of this, she doesn't scream anymore. Except the next day she forgets and we have to repeat it.

I like that she's walking because now she can wear dresses much more often. My mother was here for the last couple of nights and she brought her this pretty yellow dress. I can't wait to see how it looks on her. Haven't had a chance to try it on her yet.

Speaking of my mother, she babysat for us the other night. It was the first time that my daughter was not with either me or my husband since we've been a family. My husband surprised me by taking me to see Champions on Ice. I love to watch ice skating. It was fantastic. But it was hard for me to leave my baby. And (soft smile here) even harder to find out, she didn't even seem to notice we were gone. Just a reminder of her attachment problems. It really sunk my heart. I wish she would love us. But I can't make that happen.

So, next week she is invited to a birthday party. That should be interesting. I want to see how she acts around other kids.

Yes, my little girl is almost 19 months old now. I can't believe it.

~girlmommy

current mood: calm
current music: Hannah And Her Sisters (TV)

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Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
10:13 pm
I hate when so much time goes by and I don't write...while every day I'm planning on writing! Mei walked by herself for the first time today. Well, the first time that I have seen. She walked several steps. She still cannot stand up on her own, but it's cool to see her walk with her legs kinda far apart and on the brink of falling on her butt. Hehe. She is such a cutie! She walked once, but then wouldn't try again unless she was sure I was holding onto her shirt. (I tried to sneak and let go, but that only worked once. She's no dummy!).

I have been doing better with being a mommy. It's still really hard for me and I get tired. But I don't constantly long for the "olden" days when I was childless. I think about that sometimes, but the ratio is different. I am not depressed every day like I used to be. But I do hate getting up in the morning and sometimes the days seem so long. I guess little by little I'm adjusting. My feelings for Mei have changed in that I love her differently than I used to. It's more of a special love for her, then a general love for her because she is a child. I see her now as very special in my heart.

I still worry about the attachment issues. That is still a problem, though I've seen some progress. I need to do more holding time, but I've been battling a cough and just haven't had the energy.

I worry. But hope things will be okay. My mother says she notices a difference in me, and that for a while she had been very worried. Yes, there have been some very hard times.

And we are home just over 3 months now. Feels like so much longer.

There is magick in my baby's smile.

~girlmommy

current mood: calm

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Thursday, December 4th, 2003
10:39 pm
Depressed today and not in the mood to be a mommy. But there is no escaping it. It's not like I can call out sick. Still, I managed to smile a lot and get lots of smiles back. What a beautiful girl my little Mei is. Oh, I sometimes find myself wishing she could stay little, even while I wish for my own independence again! I just love holding her. Sometimes I want to just squeeze her so tight and I wish there was a way to show her, tell her or SOMETHING, just how much I really love her. But I know she doesn't get it, can't comprehend it. I hope in time, she will...

~girlmommy

current mood: sleepy

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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
10:31 pm
Sometimes I get scared. I get scared that my happiness will be contrary to my child's happiness. If my marriage cannot work, will leaving be detrimental to my daughter's happiness? Staying just might be detrimental to me. It's not an abusive situation. But sometimes I am immensely unhappy in my mind and spirit.

Sometimes, I get tired of reading about attachment disorders and problems and etc. And I get tired of all the "arguments" in the online adoption groups. People can be so judge mental. I guess right now I just want to feel "normal". I want to enjoy my daughter without thinking about her problems. Yeah, that's hard when she avoids looking at me. But it's not so hard when she smiles and dances with me. So, I'd rather think about that right now. She is such a cutie...

~girlmommy

current mood: dreamy

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Monday, December 1st, 2003
1:06 pm
It's so hard being a mommy. But it's especially hard being a mommy to a little girl with who has attachment issues. Sweet thing. She's been through so much. And yet, sometimes I get very hurt because she doesn't seem to love me at all. She doesn't know how to trust that I am not going to leave her. She doesn't know how to express love...or look into my eyes, without my asking for it in one way or another. It makes me very sad.

But there is progress. She looks at me when I feed her. She still smiles a lot. She follows me and her Abba around the house. And she is learning. Just this past holiday weekend...on Friday...she learned to crawl up the steps. Oh, and for the first time I saw her really bounce to music. She was on her knees and bouncing up and down to a sesame street song.

Yes, slowly but surely we are drawing her out, and hopefully making her happy.

~girlmommy

current mood: calm
current music: Young and the Restless (tv)

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Sunday, November 23rd, 2003
7:54 pm
I wish I had a lot of money. Last night I was praying to the Universe for a lot of cash to come my way. If I came into a lot of money, I'd give to charity. I don't know which one, but I'd chose something close to my heart. Then I'd get my daughter therapy with someone trained by Martha Welch...if not Martha herself. After that, I'd move into my own apartment and fix it up just the way I want it. Or better yet, I'd buy a house. Preferably out of the city.

I love Mei. I wish she would love me back.

~girlmommy

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, November 20th, 2003
10:19 am
I just had a wonderful resolution with Mei during holding time. She screamed so long, but I had the resolve to continue on for however long it took. Then finally she let me suck on her fingers and she looked at me lovingly! Oh there is nothing better than that! She is in the bathtub...her favorite, right now. I'm looking at her enjoy herself. She is the happiest kid now. That holding time is amazing!

~girlmommy

current mood: happy

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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
1:02 pm
I haven't written in a few days. I don't mean to do that. Things just get hectic or I forget. But I really want to keep a journal of my relationship with Mei. It helps me see the progress and/or where I've been and how I've dealt with things...good or bad.

Mei had a scream fest for over an hour a couple of days ago during holding time because I prevented her from putting her fingers in her mouth...and so she was required to take comfort in me instead. That was something she didn't want to do. She did finally calm down and then became VERY happy. I was a wreck. But that holding time is really something.

Today I tried it again and she didn't cry even a fraction as much. I am teaching her to touch my face gently. She is getting the hang of it, though she still sometimes pinches or scratches, but not viciously, I don't think. She just doesn't know what is gentle and what hurts.

Actually today is a better day than any other day this week. Mondays are always the worst, as I have probably written before. That's because on the weekend her father is here and all bets are off. She becomes a real jerk. Hate to call her that. But that's the word that seems to describe her. Or perhaps spoiled brat is better. But anyway...we're trying to avoid the triangulation that happens. She's a clever little thing.

~girlmommy

current mood: anxious

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Saturday, November 15th, 2003
5:45 pm
My emotions are all out of whack. It's been nearly three hours that my husband has been gone with the baby and I'm starting to feel sad. Where are they? Why is he keeping her out so long?

I always say I want a break. Now I just want her home again.

~girlmommy

current mood: anxious

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Friday, November 14th, 2003
12:17 pm
Sometimes when the speech therapist comes here, and I watch how much Mei doesn't know...how far behind she is, I get really sad. I just feel so sorry for her. I know I shouldn't, because she is here and we will give her all the help she needs. But her whole history makes me sad. I can't help it.

Mei is learning, though. She is starting to know what "in" means. She was always taking things out of boxes, but never putting them in. Now she kind of gets that you can do that, which is cool.

I bought the book "Pat the Bunny" last night for her. The therapist recommended it and so I got it. This morning, after bonding time, I sat her on my lap and read it to her and helped her do the things it says. Hopefully after lots of repetition, she will begin to understand.

How big is the bunny? Soooooo big.....

~girlmommy

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
6:38 pm
Mei held on to me today for the first time...

current mood: happy

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1:02 pm
The speech therapist came today to work with Mei. She gave me lots of good ideas on how to help Mei with her speech. It makes me feel good to know *how* to help her. But I am realizing more and more how much of myself and my life I have to devote exclusively to my daughter.

Eye contact is getting better...finally. But she still resists it fairly frequently. I've been wearing her, skin to skin, every morning for as long as my back can take it. That reminds me, I need to order a new baby carrier. Anyway, this morning I had her just in her diaper and me in a sports bra and I put her in the carrier. I played classical music and swayed with her and massaged her legs. She gets very calm when I am wearing her, and afterwards I feel so close to her. I think she feels the same, but you never really know.

~girlmommy

current mood: calm
current music: Young and the Restless (tv)

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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
5:38 pm
Yesterday Mei stood by herself for a couple of seconds. It was really exciting to see! I was lying on the floor singing to her and she stood up holding onto me and then let go and balanced herself for a couple of seconds. I clapped for her and she could see how excited I was. She tried a couple of more times but kept falling on her butt. It was so cute! Then my husband came home and distracted her. But I was so happy that she finally tried. She's definitely got it in her, just like the physical therapist told me. I think in a few months she'll be walking. My husband thinks it will be sooner than that.

Mei and I are having more eye contact. Today she looked into my eyes as I held her and fed her a bottle. Geesh, she missed out so much on things when she was a baby and I can't do anything about that. But now that she is with us, I'm just trying to make up for it and help her know what love is. It's hard when I happen to have a problem with depression. But I put myself out there for her, and smile when she looks my way.

I really love her.

~girlmommy

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
6:46 pm
This morning I woke up depressed. Don't know why since I had an awesome day with my daughter yesterday. But part of my thinking was that I didn't have it in me to go "all out" again today. It's exhausting. In the end, the day was okay. Can't say much more. There was a period of time when Mei was crying a lot. But it was okay. I didn't do as well as yesterday, but I still did better than before. And that's something, I suppose.

I am about to leave to go see W. It is raining pretty hard. I know he made dinner, but I don't have much of an appetite. I need to start eating better. It's so hard to stick to eating in a healthy way. But it is always one of my main goals.

I'll try to write more tomorrow.

~girlmommy

current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
2:27 pm
I have been having the most incredible day with Mei. It has been WONDERFUL! I've been reading this book for parents of kids with attachment disorders and it has really helped me...given me lots of encouragement. I know there will be good and bad days, but I am enjoying this GOOD day very much.

Mei actually made eye contact with me several times today!!!! That felt soooo good! We played A LOT and I gave her lots of hugs and kisses. When I put her down for a nap, she didn't cry once...not even a little bit!

Another good thing is that Mei got approved for speech and occupational therapy. I'm so thrilled about that. I feel so bad for her when she can't tell me what she wants or needs. I know it frustrates her tremendously. She has started just grunting to explain herself. Unfortunately...I don't know what the grunts mean. But I try very hard to figure it out.

At least she can say "duck". Well, actually "du", as she doesn't say the ck. Whenever she asks for her rubber duckie, I get it for her right away. It makes her smile.

Me too.

~girlmommy

current mood: ecstatic
current music: As the World Turns (tv)

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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
6:27 pm
I don't know why I write in this journal. I guess just to look back and hopefully see some progress. But there isn't much progress to report...especially with me. I feel so hopelessly depressed. I hate the way things are right now. I hate being a mother. Hate it. I love my daughter, though. It's weird. Sometimes I just think of killing myself. But I wouldn't do that. It would hurt too many people around me. I don't really want to die at all. I want to feel better. But I don't know how. I feel like in order for things to get better, a major upheaval must happen. Like divorce, a new place to live, a new career, just a fresh start. But then, I don't know what's right anymore.

I worry about getting sick which is just a part of my depression, but it plagues me. Please help me, Goddess.

Yes, thinking of Goddess and imagining a far more spiritual life is the only thing that makes me feel hopeful.

~girlmommy

current mood: depressed

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Thursday, October 30th, 2003
1:30 pm
This morning was a good one. Mei and I just did really well together compared to yesterday. I even got a little eye contact from her and she now smiles when I hold out my arms wide, take a deep breath, say "hug!" and give her a light squeeze. I really needed to see some positive results with her, so it's been like a gift.

Mei is napping now. I am tired as well and would and should sleep. But I got my period and I feel crappy and I ate too much and I'm cold and I don't feel like trying to sleep.

I did have a good night last night with W, but sometimes I wonder why he bothers with me. He would hate it if he saw that I wrote that. He's right that I need to be more positive about myself. But it's not like I'm trying to think negatively. It just happens and I don't know how to judge whether I am right or wrong about being a crummy person. That's what I think most or the time about myself. It's tiring to go on like that. I want to feel good and happy for a change.

Well, those smiles and glances into my eyes that my daughter gave me this morning felt good. That's for sure.

~girlmommy

current mood: crampy

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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
1:56 pm
I don't think I have written in a couple of days. This morning was a difficult one. I have to work with Mei every day on some problems she has and it is very grueling at times. She never wants to try and only cries hysterically. After a while, I just get so upset inside, I have to walk away for a few minutes, then come back and try to start fresh with a new approach. But I never know what will work.

It got a little better this afternoon. We went out and she seemed happier. I put her in the baby carrier and walked around with her that way. It really calms her down, but it kills my back after a while! It's worth it though, if it will help her.

I really need to keep up with my classes and stay organized and on top of what I need to do. I bought a new notebook and some note cards today. Last night, the teacher gave so much information that I couldn't really listen anymore. I need to read the chapter and make note cards for all the information. I also need to go to the law library to do an assignment...and I haven't the slightest idea when I will be able to manage that. The library is not open on weekends!

~girlmommy

current mood: tired

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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
10:07 am
My depression sinks to new lows. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like such an ungrateful person, and yet, I want my life to be different.

I am happy for my health. I am so happy for ALL my blessings. I would hate to have them taken away. I just don't know how I ended up quite like this as far as marriage is concerned. I love my husband so much. But we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. Except Mei. That's it. And I don't know where to go from here. Maybe this is just how life is.

Mei is still cruising using the couch, but she still can't stand on her own even for one second without falling. She won't even try anymore. She just sits down right away because she is scared. I know she will walk one day, but it's very hard to imagine her even taking a step on her own. I wish I knew how to help her not be so scared.

I'll write more when I can...

~girlmommy

current mood: depressed

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