bear's Journal

Sunday, November 30, 2003

7:37PM - when youtalk all i hear is prozac

They've already started talking, it yo-yo's from i'm fine to, she's not eating again. Depending on who they are talking to. They don't say to much to me just yet, i think it's a waiting game at the moment. Will i do what i ussually do lately, get to my boundary weight, stop and start eating again. For the last, almost three years i've not let myself go under a weight. It's a number. A secret number. But i don't dare go under it. I can't explain how everything changes when i do. It puts me into a series of numbers that determined who i was and put me into hospital with the not so glamorous label anorexic which right now. I am not. I am recovered, or am i? eating disorder: nos. I suppose. But no, let me play the denial card: I am fine.

So i have this number that i flirt near and don't go under. Well i went under, just by 1 kilo. I was an outpatient at the eating disorder clinic last time i weighed this. Not a danger but needing help? I don't know. I quit. Well lose 4 more and i can be classed technically as anorexic.. but its not true. And isn't that my next goal to reach that number. It seems so important now.

the thoughts are returning

So i dropped a kilo under my safety net. 8 kilo's under what i should be, for my body. What i am if i eat reasonably normal. If i eat like everyone else im around 10 more. FAT HIDEOUS FAILURE. So i drop a little, and it feels like an addiction returning. A taste i want to savour. Maybe i can just play aroud at this again.. i wont get sick again. They are wrong. My psych is wrong. I can keep this uncontrol. Im not a child.

hear a voice say, "Don't be so blind"
It's telling me all these things
That you would probably hide
Am I your one and only desire
Am I the reason you breathe
Or am I the reason you cry
Always Always Always
Always Always Always
I just can't live without you

it was said, that i don't want to do this. That this isn't what i want, not really. That this an easier issue for me to control and make ok. She said, its because you wont deal with the other relationship issues and its breaking you now and your going to let yourself get sick again. She said she doesnt want to lose me. This was a few weeks ago. I miss her ((get well soon)). I want to tell her what happened. How i was hurt again.. worse. I want to be comforted by the one person who will understand everything understands me. God, I hope shes out of hospital soon. I need her.

the bones are returning
they are safe
they show I am ok
they are safe
as safe as houses

I’m fat. A disgrace. I failed. I got healthy fat. 8 kilos gone, oh how 8 more would make everything so much better. I’d cope. I really would. I would be... happier perhaps?

Let my body say what I can’t use words for.

I died at 8 years of age. Im an empty shell now. But YOU made me feel like I was worth it. Like I wanted to live. That I didn’t need to hurt myself. I was almost alive again. But he did that too
then took it away
again and again
I should know not to trust now. I should know. I should’ve learnt.

Years of dying


she hurt me
i trusted her with EVERYTHING
maybe I do want to starve
to death
maybe..


let me disappear
please just let me disappear.

It’s my fault, I thought for a moment I was special. Maybe even truly loved. starve it away - make these feelings - disappear

I’ll pretend. I will tell you what you want to hear. I’ll keep the rest silent. I will be happy and I will love you anyway. Because I don’t know how to stop. And I wont let you see the pain. Because there is no pain

4 more kilos and it will be better.

Current mood: confused
Current music: blurry bye Puddle of Mudd