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[14 Jan 2004|04:45pm]
whoo. this place is dead.
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Amusing. A few major flaws, but funny nonetheless. Written by Alex Fields [08 Nov 2003|04:49pm]
[ mood | amused ]

The Abridged History of the Universe
by Alex Fields

14500002000 B.C.--24001 B.C.
Fourteen and a half billion years ago, in the very universe we live in, God created the heavens and the earth. It is an odd fact that God used the term 'heaven' to refer to everything other than the earth for two reasons:
(1) The term is also used to refer to a place of eternal happiness in which God himself abides. Failure to make the proper distinction between these two uses of the word eventually lead to a great many totally unnecessary debates.
(2) 'Heaven' is an English word, and at that point in time the English language had not been created.
God then created animals and plant life. The universe was perfect, and thus, a sentient race was needed to screw everything up. God created man. He looked down upon this new creation, but, contrary to popular belief, He did not think it was good; this was a minor embellishment added to the story at a later date. In reality, God realized He had just made the worst mistake the universe would ever see. By this time, however, it was the seventh day of the week, and even God must rest on the Sabbath. God let out a sigh of futility and returned to his study to rest.

24000 B.C.--11001 B.C.
God had originally planned to repair the damage He had done by creating mankind, but He soon found that the incredibly depth of human stupidity was really rather amusing. After all, life gets rather boring when you're a perfect being in command of a perfect universe. So He decided to postpone Armageddon for a few millenia.
There came a time, however, when humans were so evil it was no longer funny--at this point, it became hilarious. Despite this fact, God was morally perfect, so He was obligated to try to show the humans the error of their ways. He did this in the least subtle manner that occurred to him; he caused a massive flood that wiped out all of civilization and killed all men except for a guy named Noah and his family. Furthermore, God shortened the lifespan of humans from 900 years to a mere 120 years (it was beginning to get repetitive). Noah wept at this horrible (but necessary) tragedy. The marine life had a blast, however, and to make it up to Noah, God made a pretty rainbow.

11000 B.C.--4 B.C.
Several thousand years passed uneventfully. The only things that happened during this time involved a race of people called the Hebrews. These things are probably of great interest to a Jew, but they're really quite insignificant to anyone else; it isn't as if the Jews were God's chosen people or anything. And anyway, this is the abridged version of the book (the unabridged version is really quite long, and I wouldn't recommend trying to read it; no one who's tried has lived through the first .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000001th of a second of the big bang).
There is, however, one man whose life was of enough interest to mention. This man was Moses. He was born to a Jewish family, stuck in a basket, sent down the river, and discovered by the Pharaoh's daughter--you know the story. After he'd lived in the desert for a good while, a bush lit itself on fire and starting talking to him.
Now, it may sound odd to you that a bush caught fire on its own and even talked. What you must realize is that this happened a very long time ago, and such things were not so unusual back then. Some people will tell you God lit the bush and used it to talk to Moses; this simply is not true. In fact, the bush was just very lonely and needed someone to talk to, so it lit itself on fire and claimed to be God in order to keep Moses around. It died of third degree burns an hour later.
Moses went to Egypt to talk to Pharaoh. This was a rather intimidating business for him, as he was uneducated and stuttered badly. God had pity on the poor fool, however, and He decided to help out. Twelve plagues and a passover later, Moses was leading the entire Hebrew nation out of Egypt.
At one point in his trek across the desert, Moses climbed a mountain to have tea with God. While he was gone, the other Jews melted all of their jewelry and built a golden calf. The proceeded to convince themselves it was a god, and they worshipped it. God knows why they did this (he is omniscient, after all).
Moses returned from the mountain with 10 commandments written on a pair of stone tablets. Unfortunately for the other Jews,
one of these commandments involved not worshipping any idols, so Bessy had to go.

3 B.C.--30 A.D.
Three years before the date on which everyone thinks he was born, in the middle of the summer, Jesus was born. This was odd for two reasons. First, his mother named him Yeshua, and everyone called him that, so it's really uncertain wh his name was really Jesus. Second, his mother (Mary) was a virgin, and virgins usually don't have children. She was quite startled, but she had a dream in which a guy with wings and a halo told her the baby was the Son of God, so everything was all right after that.
When he was thirty years old, Jesus started to preach. He taught about great things like love, faith and hope. For the first time in history, a man lived a crimeless life and encouraged others to do the same. Consequently, he was arrested, beaten, whipped and nailed to some beams of wood.
After Jesus' death, his twelve disciples became apostles and went around living well and, like Jesus, preaching that others should do so as well. They too were nailed to beams of wood.

31 A.D.--476 A.D.
The Romans persecuted Christians for several hundred years. Then, they made Christianity their offical religion. Not too long after that, an army of gothic people (Visigoths, to be exact) sacked Rome and made themselves rulers.

477 A.D.--1094 A.D.
A while after the fall of the western Roman empire, the eastern Roman empire changed its name to the Byzantine empire, claiming that it was embarassed to bear the same name as an empire that had been conquered by a band of goths. This was a controversial decision that no one really cared about.
Meanwhile, a man called The Buddha was born in Asia. He was an atheistic philosopher who taught about nirvana (whether he had travelled to the future and seen the grunge rock band, or this was just a staggering coincidence, we will never know) and how to reach it. His followers were called, amazingly enough, Buddhists. Later, a group of Buddhists would inexplicably decide to claim that Buddha was a god, and they would worship him. We call this group Zen Buddhists ('Zen" means 'stoned' in a foreign language).
Next came the Vikings. They were a group of fierce warriors who invaded much of Europe for no apparent reason and were rather angry because they hadn't won the Super Bowl in a while. Finally, the Viking capital of Culpepper was sacked by a team of English patriots, and the war ended soon after.
Soon after, a dynasty of Persians called the Shiite Persians dominated Caliphate. This wasn't very important except that the Shiite Persians had a funny name.

1095 A.D.--1453 A.D.
Under the direction of Pope Urban II, the English set off on a Crusade against the Arabs. Their stated purpose was to reclaim the Holy Land and glorify God. It's interesting to ponder how they thought they would glorify God by breaking several of his commandments without justification; perhaps men just weren't very clever in the medieval ages. Six more Crusades followed the first, but eventually the English must have realized that they were never going to win, and that they were doing quite the opposite of what they had intended.
The medieval ages ended in the 1400s when the Ottomans conquered the Christian capital of Constantinople. The Turks would later assume control of Constantinople and change its name to Istanbul for no reason that anyone ever figured out.

1454 A.D.--1775 A.D.
In the three centuries following the end of the medieval ages, lots of cool stuff happened. One such cool thing was the discovery of America by Christopher Columbus. Columbus didn't really discover America, so to speak, since there had been people leaving there for thousands of years, and the Vikings found it before him anyway, but don't tell him that.
A century or so later, William Shakespeare was born. Shakespeare wrote many plays (37, to be exact), and also some beautiful sonnets. Shakespeare's writing continues to this day to entertain readers just like Charles Dickens's doesn't.
Soon after this, a group of men and women with the audacity to follow their religion properly broke off from the Catholic church and sailed to America. After arriving there, they proceeded to contradict their original goals and terrorize the Indians (who were not from India).

1776 A.D.--1880 A.D.
After the pilgrims ran away from the British and setup colonies in America, the British joined them and began to rule them once again. The pilgrims grew fed up with this. Not only did the British have high taxes; they also drank tea entirely too often. Fortunately for the Americans, the British marched in tight ranks, fired all at once, and wore large Xs directly over their hearts. Needless to say, the British were soon defeated and sent whimpering back to England, tea bags and all.
In Europe, a very short man named Napoleon took control of France and tried to take over the world. This was probably because of the great stressed caused by his classmates teasing him about his height.
In Ameirca, the War of 1812 took place. This was the time when the British came in, burned the American capital, and ran away again. It was similar to the loser of a race making rude faces at the winner and then hiding behind his big brother. Oddly enough, the majority of this war did not actually occur in the year 1812.

1881 A.D.--1940 A.D.
Trouble brewed in the United States. Figuratively speaking, that is. You see, the southern states weren't big fans of African-Americans. So they made them into slaves and forced them to work in the field with little food or drink and no entertainment (not even a cinema!). The northern states didn't like this. They told the southern states to stop. They wouldn't. Having no other choice, the people of the northern and southern states began to shoot at each other. Apparently the northern states did a better job of shooting, because they ended up winning the war.
In 1887, Canada became a country. (How did that make the abridged version?)
World War I took place. Nobody knows what started this war or even who won. In fact, nobody talks about it at all.
Meanwhile, the Chinese came to the stunning realization that everyone else in the world already had electricity and cars and democracies. It was as if they'd been secluded for hundreds of years. They became a republic and proceeded to mass produce cheap toys.

1941 A.D.--2003 A.D.
A man named Adolf Hitler took power in Germany. He led a group called the Nazis which differed from the rest of the world in one notable way--they hated the Jews, while everyone else just found them exceedingly boring. The Nazis then killed alot of people and tried to take over the world. Before they could succeed, the Japanese attacked an American harbor. The Americans didn't like this, so they grabbed a pair of nukes and blew the #)(*#$@*)(& out of Japan. The war ended.
Next came the Cold War. This is an odd name since the Cold War was not a war. Nor was it any different in temperature than any other time in history. Basically, this was a time when a few different countries stared threatingly at each other but never actually did anything.
Also during this time period, the New Age movement became popular. This is quite possibly the one thing in all of history that caused God to stop laughing and start smacking his head against his desk.
In the 21st century, Osama Bin Laden sent airplanes crashing into key structures in the United States. Afterwards, the United States responded in its usual manner; it shot the crap out of Iraq and Afghanistan. During this war, the U.S. army captured three of Bin Laden's chief generals--Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin, and Bin Smokin. Bin Workin, however, managed to escape.

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[26 Oct 2003|01:29pm]
How do people pour out their whole live into these journal things? I can't do that. I can't. I'm simply incapable of doing that. 'nough said.
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Hilarious [13 Oct 2003|11:53am]
[Excerpt from]

Twenty Questions to Ask God ar ejust a few things I would really like to know from the Man himself...

1. You probably get asked this all the time, but what IS with the Duck-billed Playpus anyways?
8. The whole thing with the Devil reallly started over a dinner party, right? Split some Ambrosia did he?
9. We really appreciate the warnings you give us from time to time (earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, Little Richard, and Richard Simmons), but did we really need the Republicans?
13. If we all have guardian angels, are they secretly recording all of this and does that mean that we are some kind of sitcom that you guys sit around and laugh your celestial asses off up in heaven?
17. When we get to heaven, will there be constant singing and bright lights? Because I have to tell you, I don't really go for choir music and bright lights give me a headache...but we can negotiate.
...20. If Earth really the waste-disposal center of the universe?
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Ya know... [10 Oct 2003|10:24pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I was in the bathroom today and staring at the ugly, flowery, tile floor when I saw this silverfish...just crawling along the floor. I was about to squish it when it ran into a shoe. Don't ask me what it was doing there, I do not know. Anyhow, the bug just ran into the shoe...stepped back and paused. Then ran into it again...and again...and again...and that's when I started cracking up. Of course, eveyrthing sounds louder in the bathroom, so of course, I earned some weird stares when I got out of the bathroom but that's all right. The point of this? Bugs are stupid. So are we, but at least we don't run into walls continually. No...don't get phillsophical. I mean in shallow language. Most of us do not run continually into walls. Most. Shuttup.

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God. [02 Oct 2003|08:11pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

God. Christianity. So much contriversy over two words. I won't tell you any more about my stance on the subject other than I don't believe in it, because that'd get me worked up, and some of you worked up, and it just isn't worth it.

I don't hate Christians. I really don't. Seriously, if they want to find comfort in a glowing light from the sky, and if it promotes honesty and love and all that, then why not? What's the harm? Its like a pillar, whether imaginary or not, that's the debate, that you can lean on. That's the human mind; there's so many obstacles to conquer that human nature demands something to tell us that it is worth it, that all these morals will lead to somewhere.

Of course, many of these so called Christians go off and smoke weed, get drunk, do a few things that aren't exactly Bible related, then attend church on Sunday. Hypocritical, eh? Religion doesn't hurt much in the US, and in this day and age, but think of all the deaths, all the pain and humilation people have suffered in the name of 'God.' They say he's merciful, and that he will always forgive, and some say that all you have to do if right your wrongs by asking forgiveness and you have a passport to heaven.

But what if your crimes are all that bad? What if you were raised not to believe in God, but you love people, you make the right choices, you do all you can to prevent harm to others, you're honest and caring and give to the poor, and make an honest living with hardwork and all that? Do you still go to hell? What should I think of a religion that says you do?

I could write a book about my feelings about this issue, but unfortuntately, time is of the essence. Disagree? I'd be happy to hear you complaints and anger directed at me. Thank you, and good night.

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Wack [27 Sep 2003|08:51pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Why is the world like it is? Why must all these lies and deceits be programmed into the mind of a human? Is there a chance there is a creator up there, a greater being? Was he trying to create the ultimate species when he created us? Does he weep tears of shame and disgust whenever he thinks of the plague he has unleashed on the world? The virius, the terror, the being whose only care is for himself, and for none else? Is it worth it? If this is all we are, if this is all the point life has...why?

It is because we have a chance.

A chance to exist, a chance to think, a chance to complain, a chance to hate, a chance to love, and a chance to change the world, for better or for worse.

Can you deny the feeling a gold-dapped sun rise with the crisp morning breeze blowing towards you gives you?
Does your heart not wrench when you see an wretched, abandoned kitten in a puddle of mud?
Do you not feel anger when one accuses you falsely?

We live to feel those emotions, and to act by them, no matter how feeble or fickle we may be. Only the wise can truly act indifferently.

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[14 Sep 2003|11:50am]
[ mood | numb ]

I'll never be smart enough, or dedicated enough, or pretty enough, or responsible enough, or hard-working enough, or diligent enough, or disciplined enough to make anyone happy...

I don't eat enough, I eat too much, I don't apply myself, I work too hard, I'm not confident enough, I'm not modest enough, I worry too much about my hair, I don't worry enough. My room's too neat, its not organized enough, I think too much, I think too little, I talk too much, I talk too little. I care too much about others, I care too little.

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Bleh [13 Sep 2003|01:20pm]
Yeah. Updating. Ok.
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[10 Sep 2003|07:57pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

Since I'm too lazy to actually type what happened during the day, I just take quizzes. Its more fun. Yay!

Greens are some of the most powerful and
intelligent people in the aura spectrum. Greens
are extremely bright. They process information
and ideas quickly; jumping from steps one to
ten. They do not like dealing with all the
steps and details in between.

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
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You are are intellectual and adaptable.
You are good at rationalizing things and
dealing with ideas, but you can have a
difficult time with emotions.

What Element Are You?
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Which Hypocritical Hero character are you? By Nna

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Quizzies [07 Sep 2003|02:36pm]
Your: Angry eyes. Chill out dude! No need to be so pissed! Sure lifes tough but you gotta deal. Your one hell of a ass-kicker and nver let anyone get close to you.
Your: Angry eyes. Chill out dude! No need to be so
pissed! Sure lifes tough but you gotta deal.
Your one hell of a ass-kicker and nver let
anyone get close to you.

What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

What Is Your Animal Personality?

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I'm a Philosopher/Scientist!

Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons

My Phase is Nemesis

Which Phase of the Greek Tragic Cycle Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

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Hehe [07 Sep 2003|02:02pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I like gum. A lot.

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Trigun-Inspired [05 Sep 2003|10:21pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

In the present, we take death so lightly. We read about hundreds dying in the newspapers while eating breakfast, listen about death on the radio on the way to work, speak of it as casually as one would mention a light shower. What we do not remember is that the flame of life is precious, and it is that life that we have failed to create. Machines, aritfical intelligance with learning capacities...they have the mind. But what of the soul?

The problem with humanity is that we take ourselves so seriously...I am me. I want me to be happy. If I want to say, buy a bag of greasy potatoes crisps fried in oil, I will, because I want to unless something prevents me from doing so. This prevention evokes a basic sense of anger, no matter how mild and if the prevention is caused by another being, that being becomes nothing more than a wall that keeps you from what you want.

Everyday, we're surrounded my miracles. Our definition of a miracle is something that cannot be explained by modern science, and hence with be pored over until it can be explained by atoms and chemicals. And yet...simply because we understand...does that make it any less of a miracle? The brain sends electrical signals to the muscles of your body to function. Love is simply a feeling to ensure human reproduction. All of our functions, are depressions are designed for survival.

What kind of limited, menial world do we live in? One comprised of only the five senses...if we cannot sense it, indirectly or directly, we assume it is not there. Are we too caught up in our practical explanations? Bashing those who dare to think in another way? Who dare speak in a different fashion? Who dare try something new?

Those who take a strange and unheard opportunity and succeed are hailed as heros.

Those who take a strange and unheard of opportunity and fail belong in asylums.

Such is the human mind.

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Beach [01 Sep 2003|07:59pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Just spent Labor Day weekened at South Padre...incredibly exausting. The tropical storm Grace or whatever were hanging around North, so the only proof we had that there was a tropical storm were really huge waves. If I was a surfer, I would really happy but seeing I'm not...getting dragged along the bottom of the ocean bottom while gasping for air and mistaking salty, bitter, stinging ocean water for air is not my idea of fun. Neither is sand. Oh, the horrible horrible sand...get it away...

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[01 Sep 2003|07:48pm]
Tumbling over one another in haste to reach descruction. Relentless, coming one after another, destroying everything it comes across bit by bit. Comprised of bitterness and an unceasing sorrow, letting out a terrifying moan. Creating things of great majesty, and at times horrific constructions. Grabbing all creatures to a painful and stinging death. Always merciless, never ceasing. A terrible beauty. A fearful existance. A contained life, a prisoner, or trip into a realm where none return. Stumbling forward, running back in cowardice, an endless pattern.

The ocean tides, or humanitiy?
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La [30 Aug 2003|07:34am]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | my horrid singing ]

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

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[27 Aug 2003|07:06pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen x.x ]

Wow...our band is really bad... I want our old band! With good trumpets! And good flutes! And good clarinets...I've never heard of a "good baritone." Have you? I mean...a good baritone. Is that an oxymoron or what? And I need to practice oboe...and get new reeds...and buy a reed-making kit...and sort out my band binder...and talk to my oboe teacher..and get insurance for my oboe...and do homework..and study..and I think I over use "..."s. Yeah, ok, I'm done being dumb now.

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Quizzes [25 Aug 2003|05:52pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Yay, quizzes!


What Kanji word best suits you?
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The Force of Nature Quiz
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quite result
Quiet Girl

What kind of little girl were YOU?
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Wow...that's actually a bit accurate...hurrah!

Maki - "Truly Rare"

What would your Japanese name be? (female)
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What kind of AIM-er are you?
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You are Trinity-
You are Trinity, from "The Matrix."
Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate

What Matrix Persona Are You?
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Info Black
Your Heart is Black

What Color is Your Heart?
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I think that's enough for today.

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OH, but [24 Aug 2003|08:08pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I got a new mouse! It has a little scrolly thing and the bottom lights up. x.x Ok, I'm done.

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Grandparents [24 Aug 2003|08:01pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

My grandparents are leaving tomorrow. For China. On the other side of the world. After refusing to get the hell out of my face for over a year. Sound horrible? Let me explain.

My grandparents do not like me. They put up the charade that they do, but there are two main situations that either a) Prove they hate me or b) prove they like my six year old brother 10 times better. They gave me twenty dollars because it was my birthday. They gave my brother a 100 dollar bill for complaining.

My brother lived in china with my grandparents for oh, I 'unno, three years maybe? My parents were at work, and moving halfway across the country with a six year old, and having a 3 month old baby was too much for them so they sent Kevin over to China. No biggy right? That might explain why they like him better right?

My mom was going to school, college, graduate school, university, whatever with an 8 month old me. I've always wondered my dad has PHD but my mom doesn't...well its a big hard to get one when you've got a me tagging along. Obvious solution, send me over to China. Basic scenerio:

Parents ask grandparents to take me in.
Grandparents agree.
Parents bring me over to China.
Grandparents change their mind.
They do that because I'm a girl.
THey do not like girls.
Girls do not carry on the family name.
Parents take me back to US.
Mother cannot get P.H.D.

The End.

Wow, great narrative huh? Now I'm supposed to go and tell them to have a nice trip and my grandpa's kisses are so horrible wet. Its disgusting! And his hand is all sweaty and he insists on holding mine and he has a load of problems that I'm not even going to think about...-shudders- Well, I'm off to brainstorm things to say. Hurrah. Wish me luck.

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