Allie's Blurty
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Allie's Blurty:

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    Monday, January 5th, 2004
    12:54 pm
    IM SO HAPPY:):)
    Wow-its snowing and its beautiful when all the pine trees out here get covered in snow(even though they arent yet)-i want to take black and white pictures of my friends and i in it-gosh it would be gourgeous (sp?)...BUT i have awesome news! suzy just called and im going to see tokyo rose the 13th! and after that i guess theres an acoustic show which will DRIVE ME INSANE b/c im in love with the acoustic so that seriously just made my day. I think im going with her and holly and chris and prolly suzy boyfriend-kyle. Which means ill be by myself with no guy but who cares--TOKYO ROSE? are you joking-i would never pass that up because i didnt have a guy to go with me-hahaha screw guys!! i get to see tokyo rose and that in itself is so happy!!! sometime i need to go see something corporate-but i need to find out when they will be in indiana..OR some girls and i could take a soco road trip-wow that would be amazing also...I'm so over this whole depression mode...i hated it so much that i ripped it away from myself and i love being happy-thank you to everyone that listened to me whine--i love you!!!!!! but for now im gonna go find out when soco will be here-loveyou


    Current Mood: ecstatic
    Current Music: rockin' the suburbs-ben folds five
    12:54 pm
    IM SO HAPPY:):)
    Wow-its snowing and its beautiful when all the pine trees out here get covered in snow(even though they arent yet)-i want to take black and white pictures of my friends and i in it-gosh it would be gourgeous (sp?)...BUT i have awesome news! suzy just called and im going to see tokyo rose the 13th! and after that i guess theres an acoustic show which will DRIVE ME INSANE b/c im in love with the acoustic so that seriously just made my day. I think im going with her and holly and chris and prolly suzy boyfriend-kyle. Which means ill be by myself with no guy but who cares--TOKYO ROSE? are you joking-i would never pass that up because i didnt have a guy to go with me-hahaha screw guys!! i get to see tokyo rose and that in itself is so happy!!! sometime i need to go see something corporate-but i need to find out when they will be in indiana..OR some girls and i could take a soco road trip-wow that would be amazing also...I'm so over this whole depression mode...i hated it so much that i ripped it away from myself and i love being happy-thank you to everyone that listened to me whine--i love you!!!!!! but for now im gonna go find out when soco will be here-loveyou


    Current Mood: ecstatic
    Current Music: rockin' the suburbs-ben folds five
    10:24 am
    wow something corporate is the best band ever and i am in love with them.. Mmmmkay, I'm actually doing great-gwen has someone lined up for me i guess which is cool-its kinda like what i told heath, hey you may not like them but its a date to get your mind off that other person who isnt worth thinking about in the first place..I'm content i guess...I got a really good new book that i just started-its by some really great writer in Japan so yeah. Its called "thirst for love", yeah so i wanted to get "the bell jar" but they didnt have it in which REALLY just kind of sends me over the edge because there are so many good comments on that book but then again everyone would prolly think i was even more insane bc its by sylvia plath and So-there are so many guys out there now, im so happy to know that, or at least have that reassurance..Yeah i guess i made a huge mistake-erik told me when ppl found out we were broken up guys would be lined up for me-and i told him i wanted him to be first in line-That would be my big mistake...I dont even want erik burns to be in line..I want him to go off to college and i want this year to be over with. Summer should be amazing this year-i got the car, friends, pool, and im single-oh yesh--summer should be right now the weather sucks real bad. Theres like nothing alive-when I look out the window it almost looks like a black and white picture bc everything is dead-uck..that depresses me kind of..but nothing can wipe the smile off my face now..I'm trying so hard to be happy and it surprisingly enough-its coming in effect. I hope it lasts..

    I guess heaths date went well-THATS AWESOME, he probably doesnt read this but ya know. lol I'm really happy for him-bc i know how it can be to feel all by yourself and when you finally get a date you feel very happy and on top of the world-so go you heath-you're awesome and i love you. As well as heaths date im guessing eriks went well also?..which like i said before-Is just fine. Im happy if hes happy-YAY although the creativity of the date was insane...because there was they did the exact same date they did with shanea and i like a month ago er something. Yeah that was a little crazy of them-but hey it was fun when we all did it so im guessing they had fun when they all did it. I heard erik finally got the hang of ice skating-thats good, im glad gil didnt have to stand there and wait for you to try to skate and then run into the wall repeatedly-*smiles*
    but yeah-im really glad your guys dates went well-erik im really happy you're happy, and heath im exstatic that you are happy--and i cant spell..sorry! but thats awesome guys-yay yay yay*smiles again*

    but for now i think i am going to go and read some. I have a good book waiting for me and its gross outside so i guess ill go and do that considering theres nothing else to do! byebye and i love you all...

    Current Mood: mm ok i guess
    Current Music: space-soco
    Sunday, January 4th, 2004
    6:31 pm
    I guess they all had fun on their date--which is awesome. They ate and walked around the circle and went ice skating---which is exactly what we did on our last outting but its okay- I'm happy for him, hes happy, im in a good state and yeah ill see him at school and it will be just fine..I actually makes me feel better to know hes off with someone else rather than wondering if hes thinking of me or not-even though now i know hes not, at least i dont have to worry about it and ill find someone else, who's the person they claim to be...and im sorry but erik burns really wasnt..

    on to better things..
    school starts almost excited..just cause a lot of guys i didnt get to see over break will be there and IM SINGLE oh yeah i im sure ill find someone sooner or later...and if not soon then for sure know? things will shape out for me and all i can do right now is just have the most positive outlook on this whole situation and forget about it and be nothing more then nice to erik burns and let it all was a fatal goes away..
    2:47 pm
    gettin better
    hmm....ok so i went to marsh today and almost cried b/c i was by myself and i mean g's its marsh...a lot of people were by themselves...but i just feel so very alone...i just want someone to make me smile again..HOLY CRAP...BLUE_BELLE WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN POETRY YOU FREAK.... UGH who does that? some random girl from scotland added me to her msn and is like.."hi i was wondering if i could use your poems in my blurty" i was like UM NO-i clearly stated that i didnt want anyone doing that-wow could anything else go wrong right now? please just go ahead and stab me with your happiness-suck everything out of me that makes me myself and make it yours so i have nothing--right now my writing is all i have left and shit face scotland school girl wants to rip off my stupid whore...ok im done..bye bye for the day-im over erik...seriously i just want someone..*smiles*

    Current Mood: getting better-but still terrible
    Current Music: space-something corporate
    Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
    2:29 pm
    same as always...
    today i just layed in bed and thought about things and cried. I guess he is talking or something with gill...which is fine-its a good feelings to know hes happy-even if im caught in misery. It'll go away..and I'll be all better soon...i layed in bed for so long to make sure it was after 11 o'clock, because 11 o'clock was his game, and i knew if i got up i would want to go to it...and i really dont need to see him..i saw him last night and he made me feel very ugly.. he was very short with me just like he was on the phone and yeah...time to find someone new-it was easy for him, it shouldnt be this hard for me....ya know? Ill find someone-i know i will...its just a matter of time..and thats what kills me..i feel like its crucial for me to have someone by my side or im sad-and i cant rely on a guy to make me happy-and if one really does make me happy, he wouldnt make me cry would he? I dont know but erik burns makes me feel very small and unwanted like everyone is judgeing me and looking at me like im an outcast....So now i think im leaving all of this, or at least trying to and getting over it all...and trying not to remember anything about erik-good or bad...sound good? yeah since NO ONE reads this im sure ill have a lot of comments on this. I need to stop dwelling on it-and find someone good-which i will. and until then i am determined to be happy...w/o medication w/o a boy....only with friends...and im making a promise to myself everything will be ok...although i still have the permanent lump in my throat-this will all go away and ill be fine...i know i will..

    Friday, January 2nd, 2004
    1:22 pm
    no idea
    whats happening?...why do i feel like this--i know i keep writing about the same things but i dont know why i feel so unwanted and almost like everyone..i feel like people dont want me around...and if they dont i really do need them to come out and say they dont want me around..although i will dwell on the fact that someone doesnt need me as much as i need them-i will eventually get over this and it will all go away-meagan says so! hahaha

    heath makes me feel better...but as a lot of people do-but not the way he did...i have no idea whats wrong but i deprately need this to go away-and i also desperatly need to learn how to

    BLEH...ok im done whining...iloveyouall
    9:22 am
    uhh idk...
    hmm i just got up-and i still have this gross feeling and yuck. I talked to meagan about all of this last night and she really helped...she said its all about will power-and i told her how i have none of that-and she was like allie you dont just get it you have to want it and its the same way with being happy-so i guess if i want to be happy i need to WANT to be happy..and i really just takes a lot out of me to put on a big smile for everyone and make sure everyone thinks im completely happy all the time..i guess its just hard..and the less i talk to him its like the less people like me and the less anyone is goin to..and just yuck..
    so now i just talked to malerie about it-shes really nice, shes so positive and shes like just start likeing other people and dont waste your time on being so sad about one person..b/c there are so many more and i guess the point she was tryin to get across was for me to get to know other people and maybe someone will end up liking me...i hope so..i dont know why i rely on this to make me happy-thats real unhealthy but i guess it takes someone else to be by my side to convince myself that the smiles are real..
    ////////////////////////////////////////im over this/////////////////////////////////////////
    im seriously getting over this and soon will be able to look erik burns in the face and smile for real and not cry and let him know that im incredibly happy that hes happy....

    shes the only one who knows what it is to burn....-that line is to one of my best friends crystal thomas- i love her to death and i need to let her know that everything is ok...and it will eventually shape out..iloveyoucrys..

    anyone know how to get rid of this feeling?...reply please.
    Thursday, January 1st, 2004
    6:58 pm
    still bleeding...
    sooo-erik and i broke up..hah-i keep asking myself if its really worth crying over and if the answer to that question is yes-then why? Why am I crying over Erik Burns...I havent cried in a week, simply because EVERYONE has told me there are other people...but I have serious doubts about me finding anyone..i obviously cant even get erik-who else would come along and want to be with me? I guess erik was really what i needed and what i loved being around..he made everything so positive...against the alcohol and drug use-which is awesome...he just made me feel needed...and now i feel like i could completely fall off the face of the earth and no one would notice...i dont know why i feel like that over him though-we went out for a month and a half-it shouldnt be this strong-you know? like the break up shouldnt be this brutle...I guess seeing how easy it was for him made it worse..and when i finally came around to actually say i wanted to be friends-he doesnt even call...Im picking myself apart to see what i can change to find someone who wont make me cry and now ive realized i need to change everything..theres so much now that all came into focus and i dont know how im going to be able to change it but i know i will-it will take so long for me to become nicer, prettier,, smarter, and WAY thinner, and just better i guess...It's like everythings kinda weighing on my shoulders now and i dont know how to get rid of it-I wish i could talk to him but that would be really really hard because i cant call him or I'll feel very weak and he obviously wont call me. Whats wrong with me? I feel so rejected...and the sad thing is it was a mutual break up because eriks going to school....I dont know why i am this sad over someone i barely know- Maybe its because i got to have a taste of happiness and i really want to hang onto that..and without him around its just all kind of gone..i need to make this feeling go away because it hurts...and knowing he doesnt want to even talk to me makes it worse.....i miss him..and that sucks...i miss how he drove 20 mph in a 55...and how his pants were always too short, how he chewed with his mouth open, how he drove on the left side of the road, the things he said to me and made me believe them, and i guess just how he made me feel-so maybe i dont miss erik after all...i just miss being happy...and it takes a lot out of me to make myself be happy...I wish i would have never met erik i would have never known what its like to be so incredibly optimistic and then have it pulled away from me so abruptly..but there is good news to all of this-i found someone to talk to thats really cool-hes nice...and i actually have feelings for him but i doubt they are mutual...the really bad thing is its one of eriks friends-which i know is wrong...but it was really easy for shouldnt i be able to go on with things since it was ok for him? i keep picking up the phone as if im going to call him and then i end up hanging it up b/c thats a huge sign of weakness and thats what i really DONT need right now...i wish all of this would go away...but yes-i have found someone i would like to be with and hang out with and get to know and like and blah blah blah-but im sure this person doesnt feel the same way for me and never will so i have no idea why it ever crossed my mind--i guess now im just reaching for things i know i cant have which will make it even harder in the long run...i hate boys-thats an undertstatement...all i know is i do feel something for this other person and it would make things nice and pleasent if i knew what was going on in his head right now-

    erik burns-you told me boys would be lined up for me after word got around that we werent together-do me a favor and be first in line....but im sure this statement will change after i talk to this other person i have been looking at and trying to pry open to see just exactly how they are...they are awesome...

    ///////////////////////for the record///////////////////
    i wouldnt say i miss him-i simply miss being happy...
    goodnight and i love you all...

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: box of sharp objects-the used
    Saturday, December 6th, 2003
    11:54 am
    yuck...todays so pointless...i saw erik but ever since the talk hes kinda acted weird around me..maybe its just me..i dont know....see eriks going to college next year---and ill still be here..while he will have no trouble whatsoever getting someone new, someone prettier, someone thinner, someone better....I feel like i have pulled him into something he never wanted---he just wanted a girlfriend and i was there...bad timing i guess...whats wrong with me?..i need someone to just pin-point it all out so I can fix it and people will stop leaving me...even though erik hasnt left me yet..I know he will sometime...nothing lasts forever and it will kill me when he does...and going to see suzy at ballstate next year will be bad b/c erik will be there...i dont know if its me or him and talking to him is hard because eriks so incredibly nice and to tell him something he probably doesnt want to hear makes me sad.....i really wish just all our feelings were mutual and i never had to say how i felt to him because he would already would be the exact same way he felt....incredible..

    /////different suject/////////
    christmas is coming i guess...gosh...things just keep getting worse and worse...i'll be happy for a little while but when I dont get to see him i get so sad i feel like crying all day and never needing to stop because the feeling wont leave...yeah I'm sorry..i said different subject but that didnt one wants to listen to this all the time...and I just keep dwelling on it..

    Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
    7:26 pm
    Bleh, today was ok...i guess...i havent wrote in this thing forever...sorry to anyone who's life is boring enough to read this....but im not sorry for not filling you in, im sorry you have no wish i could really write what i thinks going on in my life and not get looked at like im a complete idiot for it...but that'll never happen b/c im to scared to do it.

    erik and i are together...but hes leaving for college next year, i know thats really far away and i shouldnt be thinking about it now, but actually i should be thinking about it now...because if we dont act like nothings going to change when he leaves we are fooling ourselves...everything will change..absolutly everything...erik will find someone else and i will be left for everyone to laugh at...I'm afraid i wont see him, i wont talk to him, he'll find someone else that makes him 'whole'...he'll feed her the same lines he fed me...and it will just all be over with...i wonder if im wasting my time...or if something really is already attached to him...hes different from other guys i guess..i knw thats a very cliche line but its also very when he leaves..all i can do is watch him go...and hope that he thinks im just as wonderful as I think he is...but i also know this isnt true...theres no way..i dont think the same feelings are there...see he wanted to be with Kristi..unfortunately that got ripped away from him and I came along...i think he just found out i liked him or thought something of him and took the chance...erik's very sheltered and i adore him for that but i dont want someone that just likes me because i liked now im scared...why him? ya know? why erik of all people to hook onto...why? i wonder if i deserve payback for all the stuff ive done wrong...the payback part would be erik being ripped away from me and having to look myself int he mirror every day and put on my happy face knowing that ive done this...that ive completely screwed myself and he'll never come back for me...that maybe i just want something to be there so badly and he doesnt...i guess it would be nice if i could tell erik all this but he already thinks i cry constintly (sp?) and if i told him i would start to cry so i cant....maybe I should let him go its not so hard towards the end...when he leaves...WHEN.ALL.THE.SENIORS.LEAVE. wow i wont be able to handle that either...heath and i talked about whata mess...its going to be horrible...heaths really cool....realized that other night..which is just one more person im going to have to say bye to..and not get to see...
    Bleh...Im done...I'm going to go write some, prolly cry a little bit, and then go to sleep..g'night everyone......someone help with my situation please....if you have any advice...thanks..
    Monday, October 6th, 2003
    9:57 pm
    uggg----hmm today was ok i guess...nothing really that extraordinary-cept meagan gave me something she wrote that was amazing, i thought it was really good...that made me smile--hopefully it will do the same for her..uhh talked to erik a little bitty bit today--yeah so hes sending mixed signals..yeah the ones that no one wants to deal with--those would be what hes sending sooner or later im gonna maybe not..just because hes fun to be with, and quite halairious i might add, plus hes pretty sympathetic...from what i can see right now..and thats the kind of guy im looking thats nice, not an asshole, he himself even told me he tries to not be a jerk...its wonderful how much it means when someone really isnt mean all the time and you know they barely have to try at it-they're just molded into that frame and it comes to them as an everyday thing..Erik's one of those people i think...i dont know him inside and out...but it would be nice to get to know him..even if nothing came out of it relationship wise---just to have a good friend thats always nice and has the same morals as myself would be awesome...
    ENOUGH ABOUT ERIK---im telling you ppl way too much..and i dont know you, much less do i even know him hardly

    ok soo me and chance are ok? i think? ///i hope///...not sure about that..ill try as long as i can though too keep chance as a close friend...hes awesome..he listens...even if it doesnt pertain to him...he listens and acts as though he cares...even if he silently wishes i would fall off the face of the earth--he still acts like he wants to hear about it all...that makes me feel better--feel wanted maybe? feel like i have a friend who cares...

    Sunday, October 5th, 2003
    6:02 pm
    has anyone seen the baby pepsi's? THEY'RE AMAZING......///smiles...ok im done---j/w about that whole nut shell...

    Current Mood: curious
    Current Music: shatterday-vendetta red
    5:53 pm
    "Piece by Piece"

    There she is,
    Broken all over your bedroom wall,
    Tears have permanently painted her face,
    And you don't seem to care at all,
    Her insides are twisted,
    She begged you not to leave,
    But you insisted,
    Broken to bits,
    Now she's shattered,
    You destroyed her self-image,
    Her heart is tattered,
    Pieces of her are deteriorating,
    Melting away,
    She feels so alone now,
    She just wishes you would stay,
    Her smiles are fake,
    And noone knows why,
    She needs to get over this now,
    And just say goodbye,
    Why is this so difficult for her?
    She doesn't know what to do,
    All she does is cry,
    And it's all because of you,
    Her mind has locked up,
    Her insides split apart,
    She doesn't know how to fix this,
    You've had her from the start,
    She tells herself she'll move on,
    There's nothing else she can perfect,
    Everything's over from here on out,
    She's nothing more than a defect.

    --Allison Trout


    I wish i had a ladder so i could climb up there
    pull you down, and do nothing more than watch you splatter
    watch you fall deeper and deeper
    Isnt that what you did to me?
    watch me drown im my countless tears
    let me burn for ever
    let me build up hate for consistant years
    my hate is dancing on my tounge
    there are so many things i want to say to you
    regretably enough-i havent even begun
    i hope you pull away from it all
    at least before i get to you
    i hope you can hide
    before it shatters you to
    why are you so happy
    nothing ever fades in your life
    everything is so colorful
    there is absolutly no strife..
    i hate you out of jealousy
    im jealous of your optimisim
    and your harmless glee
    I'm folded in
    im broken forever
    but you, you're like the breath of life
    you give your all
    even when its tough
    you give your all
    even when you've had enough
    I hate you for this...
    you're perfect in every way
    you leave me speechless with hate
    to the point where i dont know what to say
    you've won, and i've lost
    will i fail forever
    will i always pay the cost
    dont try to be your perfect self
    and give your asortment of encouragement to me
    go on with your pathetic fairy-tale life
    and just let me be
    because remember i hate you, ill dispise you forever
    its not possible for someone to be that happy
    your down-hill experience is coming
    so get everything together
    soon you too will be wrong
    and this road to never-ending hatefulness
    for you and i it will be long

    --hey just FYI all the poems in my blurty are by me--no one else---- you fucking steal them and i will haunt you down...ill cut off all your fingers and stick them through your eyes...then ill put toothpicks between your toenails and your skin and make you kick the wall excessively---and lastly---i will cut you up...mainly just around the throat just enough so you're not dieing yet and you have to watch all the blood drip....until eventually--after i make you drink all the blood i can gather from'll die and it will be a celebration for me:) GOT THAT? ...
    5:47 pm
    his pointless being stares blankly at me
    he is worthless
    he tugs away at my thoughts
    to see what goes on my mind
    why should he even care
    I'm the one he left behind
    why would he try to help now
    he is the one I completely dispise
    he picked me apart
    I shatter because of his lies
    I'm broken because he is thoughtless
    I cry because he doesnt notice me
    my tears run thicker
    because im paying the fee
    He doesnt need me anymore
    And i should just forget him
    But I'm begging for just one more tomorrow
    My eyes burn from my profuse tears
    My heart hurts because of all this sorrow
    I dont see how I can love someone so much
    and hold such hate for them right in the palm of my hand
    You punctured me
    and I slipped through like sand
    You're horrible
    my hate is dangling in your face
    so now i hope you feel like me
    and your only wish is to escape this place
    to forget this completely
    to erase it all
    to go on with life and act as if it was something so small

    ****this is to crystal----honey this is you speaking to jobie---i hope you like this...we've talked about it already but i really hope you do---love you!!!!!
    5:46 pm
    poems anyone? hah i wrote these today---so now heres a look into my pathetic yet oh so very twisited life--fun aye? NO..broken

    you took it
    you stole it
    its gone now
    that was mine
    how dare you
    you ripped out my heart
    shattered it into a million bits
    and threw the pieces at my face
    it stung
    my heart was sharp
    you shattered me on the inside and out
    now i cry tears of black blood because of you
    you shredded me apart
    im useless
    you took it and twisted it until it ripped completely
    and my warm blood that dripped from your fingers
    that blood is familiar now
    that blood is nothing more than my tears
    my tears are black because i have no soul
    thats gone to
    you decided to take it with you
    so when can i have it back
    when will it be mine again
    why did you do this to me
    give it back
    its not yours to keep
    this is so unfair
    i bleed for you
    i cry for you
    i cut for you
    and i will die for you
    please give it back so i die happier
    black blood and neverending tears dont get me anywhere
    so help
    please just at least share it with me
    and that in itself will set me free.


    drip drip drop
    there it goes again
    as it skims across my skin
    i feel relieved
    i feel so alone yet so wanted
    the blood is so dark its almost black
    I have been stained with depression
    it doesnt seem to want to leave
    ive become numb to it
    its something i recieve
    my depression is like my own package
    a gift i get all the time
    something i could live without
    my secret and its all mine
    its pushing my heart to a limit
    i cant take anymore
    its ran over me numerous times
    I'm happiness poor


    her insides are frozen
    frozen from her hatred past
    iced away because people give up on her
    and nothing seems to last
    as her flesh explodes
    slowly her emotions run down her arm
    they run in the deepest red
    with her insides coming out
    this is the most shes ever bled
    as her heart screams
    her blood turns into sand
    too young to die
    shes reaching for a hand
    her insides are deteriorating
    slowly enough
    shes splitting right down the middle
    she doesnt know how to be tough
    her world is melting
    and shes so alone
    her thoughts have numbed her body
    right down to the bone
    shes became mute to the world around her
    she locks up her mind
    everything is so obscure
    she tells herself it'll soon be old news
    because thats the best excuse she can use

    --allie trout

    Current Mood: yuck
    Current Music: timberwolves at new jersey
    5:41 pm
    umm ok so friday night was destroyed by many...but its ok...cause everythings always destroyed right? I go to the game with adam b/c a certian someone told me to go cause they were gonna go--well i told them i wasnt going and never had time to tell them i changed my plans to go-so they didnt end up being there...ugh! was raining so yeah my hair went all curly on me so i looked like a 7 year old...broke another nail accedently wore sandles b/c im in the death race to see if i can win first i guess ( it was like -30 outside) and i left with a guy that some girl likes and now she thinks this guy and i like each other when really the whole damn point of the game was to see that certian somone i was talking about earlier but hell no----they didnt what else happened this wkd--well that certian someone did call...and came and got me saturday and we went like everywhere in greenwood b/c we didnt know what to do--but it was better that way-i thought- b/c we just didnt know where we'd end up and it was more fun like that--but i dont think erik liked that very well...(FYI-Eriks the certian someone...**smiles**) hah hopefully he doesnt think im a weirdo now...oh well if he does..guess he'll fit in with the rest of the crowd aye?

    ok so new topic cause thinkin about him dispiseing me makes my insides cringe...i wrote a lot this wkd...might put them in here but i doubt it..i dont know any of you why should i bother aye? I dont know but i should have done something with crystal last night instead of erik cause i think doing somethin with erik makes him feel kinda weird...just because he knows i like him and im almost positive he doesnt like i think its a whole pitty type of deal cause he doesnt want to hurt my feelings but hes got to be like in love w/ kristi still--shes real pretty--chinc eyes..but the girls got me beat....kinda hurts to think about////you know?//// wow so i definatly said i was changing the subject and here i am talkin about erik...ughh YUCK.

    ////APOLOGIES TO CHANCE//// OMG..that sounds like an awesome band ok anyway..yeeah chance hon im sorry for how hateful i was to you the other night on here--didnt mean to sound rude. even though i was... but yeah i am sorry--i just became like good friends with you and its worthless to no be friends with someone thats been nothing but nice to told me you get on here and read these so i hope you read this.....*stares....
    ok well i love you all (EVEN YOU CHANCE///smiles) call me er something if you read this...later guy i love you..
    Monday, September 29th, 2003
    10:44 pm
    ahh this mood---this is starving for someone to listen yet no one wants to.. whats wrong with me? he notices me...but not the way i want him numb...someone help...please..all i want is this internal bleeding to stop and come to a halt, to freeze and never i can for once just be happy...or at least find someone that understands....

    Current Mood: thinkin about some cuts huh..
    Current Music: slow motion
    Friday, September 26th, 2003
    10:15 pm
    I'm crying but im not sure why...
    I dont really know whats wrong-once again i am stuck here.. Ahh whats wrong with me. Gwen and I did chance's hair today-good times. I went to the homecoming game-yeah so we got the shit beat outta us AGAIN, complete waste of my time.. Except i got to see erik burns there:) that always makes me smile, hah he's always so happy-it amazes me. The crying episode is almost over.. I dont know what started this-well this time... I kinda find myself doing this a lot lately and im confused by the mere fact of looking in the mirror and seeing myself cry-it hurts. I dont get it. I'm not catching onto the reasoning behind my tears. Maybe they are that possible-can you have false tears? Maybe...maybe not? hell i dont know-I want this over with though-doctor says if i "want it over with" i need to take my medications again-hell no...can we say FAKE? yeah thats not going to happen..yuck yuck yuck---my eyes are do I get rid of this..its like taking me you become numb to it..or does it go away and you eventually become happy again? Is that possible? God i want it to go away soon-The happiest i had been was on Thursday night. Erik, scott, and chance sang some dash and oasis and OMG I WAS AMAZED-- chance is absolutly awesome at singing and erik just adorable altogether, he has every trait ive been looking for *smiles*, and scott is just incredible on the you have no idea how good it made me feel and I dont know why--it just made my night get better...i was so happy, it just amazed me to see erik sing- i dont know why but it just really did make me feel good....really really good--i wish that feeling would stay with me forever and ever...but i know it wont ...

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: A Box Full Of Sharp Objects-the used
    9:48 am
    wow im bored
    Im in journalism right now--im so bored..i get done with everything like as soon as we get in here. So the whole non-sleeping thing is still in effect-wonder how long thats gonna last--Oh well..Wow i got to hear chance and erik sing the other night at the bonfire-it was amazing..i was so impressed. The good mood that attached itself to me that night because of them is currently still lingering around me..YAY.. its going to go away though--cause it always does--oh well well there really isnt much else to say--but i dont think i can say much cause im at school right now-- ill write more later on tonight when i get home. i love you!! ifyou need anything comment er email me :)
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