Mayqueen Everleaf's Blurty
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in Mayqueen Everleaf's Blurty:

    Sunday, May 25th, 2003
    11:35 pm
    Oh my. I don't think I've felt this betrayed, not only in a long time, but never before. You can never try and do what other people want, because they don't know what they want anymore than I know what I want. And that's hard to do, because I never know what I'm looking for. There's my life lesson for the day...

    Current Mood: discontent
    Friday, May 16th, 2003
    4:48 pm
    Sad sad sad
    I suppose things have only gotten worse. I guess he didn't really need time, he just decided that he doesn't want to see me again ever. On top of that, I went to the doctor yesterday, and apparently I have pneumonia. I'm feeling better, they gave me some lovely little pills. Actually, no, I'm feeling better physically. Mentally, emotionally, whatever else, I feel not so good. I don't have pills for that though, and I don't know what else to do. I know what I want to say to Sean, I've had it all planned out since last night, but then today I find out it doesn't even matter anymore. Now I don't know what to do. I mean, my other guy is really acting like he doesn't care at all, worse than he has before. His lack of emotion is scary. I really want to try for it anyway, but he basically told me I'm wasting my time. Maybe I'll be happier by myself and I should just talk to Sean anyway. I'll figure things out. I have faith.

    Current Mood: determined
    Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
    4:46 pm
    Sometimes it's hard to be a person of hope, no matter how hard you try. I've been dealing with some sickness, and I spent all of today looking for the source, but I haven't quite gotten a handle on what it is yet. I knew something was changing, I got deja vu so much more than usual the whole time I was sick.....I'm sad now that I know what it was. I guess things will be weird without him, but if he needs to be away from me, I have to give him that at least. He's given me so much time already. I just couldn't decide which was more important: losing somthing important to me, or the chance that he wouldn't be happy with me. He had me convinced that there was a chance. I know if I had wanted to do anything about it I should have a long time ago. I did once, and I've been using that like a shield ever since. Even I'm sick of hearing about it. Or maybe just sick, I'll have to discuss that one with my stomach. Ha ha ha. Lame attempt at some humor. I guess we'll end it on that (high?) note. Until some other time....

    Current Mood: thoughtful
    Current Music: The Velvet Underground
    Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
    10:43 pm
    Leave me alone....
    Friends trying to control me are dragging me down
    I'm kicking and screaming and they don't hear a sound
    I'm dreaming of a better life, a world that's all my own
    but jealousy and anger are all that I've been shown

    Current Mood: crushed
    Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
    9:46 am
    Not much
    I'm just sitting around wasting time. That seems to happen a lot, even though there's plenty to do. I really need to figure out what to do about these boys. I know I can't have both of them, it's just hard knowing I have to hurt someone and I really don't want to do that. Everyone is telling me to just break up with my boyfriend, and actually I want to, because I really think I'd be happier with someone else. Maybe I'm afraid of letting someone else make me happy. Maybe I'm a masochist, or however that's spelled. Let's hope not. I'll just have to get some courage or something. This is hard.
    Sunday, April 6th, 2003
    10:05 pm
    And then Trodgor smote the Kerreck, and all was laid to burnination!!!!
    I really don't like daylight savings time crap. I'm behind enough on sleep without losing an hour just for the hell of it. I know, I know, "we get another hour of daylight!!!" Whoop-dee-doo!! There's just another hour for me to be dead tired. I have a sinus infection and I've felt like crap, but we're going to Florida early Wednesday morning so I have to feel better by then.
    Saturday, April 5th, 2003
    11:30 am
    I've had some really strange dreams lately. Mix that with my out of control heavy deja vu and it leads me to believe that something is still in the process of happening. With everything that's been going on I'm wondering if I even have time to make another change. It's really starting to seem like the thing to do, but a change this big isn't easy to make. Especially when I've already made it once and changed my mind. I really don't like having to hurt people, but I've been thinking of everyone else so much that I'm not happy anymore. Well, that's not true; I am happy, I'm just not as happy as I should be. There's always this nagging doubt in the back of my mind, and I'd like it to go away. I've just gotten too good at second guessing myself. I'll add it to the list of things I need to work on.

    Current Mood: calm
    Current Music: Sleater-Kinney