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Monday, May 24th, 2004
10:56 am - faf
fasfa

current mood: drained

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Thursday, April 29th, 2004
11:52 pm - Star bright
I woke up around 5:30 as usual to do my homework that I procrastinated the night before. After first period ended at 8 o'clock, I went home because it's still testing week, seniors get over two hours, from 8-10 a.m. free to themsleves. I have not had any free time to relax during 8 to 10 but with the exception of on my birthday. I ended up using the time to finish off delayed homework from the previous night.

I had to stay after school for three hours in Madame Anderson's class for a study session for the AP French test that will be taken on Monday. All the time Trung, Karen, and I hardly concentrated on our work because we were thinking about the pizzas that Madame had promised to order for us if we came to the study session. When the pizza boxes finally came, I pigged out on three slices and Karen had four. The rest of the study session was a bit easier to concentrate but on some of the listening comprehension questions I lacked focused because I became sleepy from being full.

After the french study session, I went to Karen's house. Her house is nice, shiny, and airy. I met her 9 year half vietnamese and half nicaraguan cousin, Jergen. Not only does Jergen speaks English fluently, he can also speak Spanish very well. He seems like a cool kid to hang around with. I stayed at Karen's house for about two hours.

Then her brother, Julio drove us back to school to go to the Star Party. On the drive to school, I saw Marco at the bus stop across from Burger King. I don't think he was going to work because that is not the bus stop to Michaels, near Eastridge ... at leat I don't think so. Only later at 10:30 when I got home from the Star Party that I found out Marco had first stopped by my house to drop off a couple of DVDs that he wanted me to see. I hope everthing is going well for him.

Karen and I mostly hanged out with Alberto and his brother Omar at the Star Party. We had some cookies and punch and looked through the telescopes to view Jupitar, Saturn, and the surface of the moon. Then they walked me home. We ended up playing tag late in the night around my townhouse neighborhood. We actually ran real hard to prevent from not being it. We stopped playing when Omar got hurt from bumping into a bolt in the ground near the benches. We just sat on the benches and table and talked. I could not communicate with Omar much because he speaks more Spanish than English.

In the end, we wished each other good night.

It's past midnite now.
Good night to you too.

current mood: tired

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11:04 pm - legal adult
I had probably the best birthday ever yesterday. I didn't walk with Yvette to school because I'm not very social about my birthday so I made up a lie over the phone that she should go on ahead and walk without me because I would be late. Before hanging up the phone, she sneaked in a Happy Birthday; that just made my morning great. Right after first period, Jeremy picked me up because he had some plan cooked up. I was afraid because all I wanted for my birthday was a simple time with one or two friends. It ended up with me and seven other friends going to the Lion Plaza to eat at a noodle house called, Pho Hoa in the morning. I tooked Alberto and Karen along because I wanted them to try pho and vietnamese cuisine. Alberto looked very comical trying to master the use of chopsticks. Evelyn, Eileen, Tina, and Quyen were also there at the restaurant. I had a great time at the restaurant because we all enjoyed the food and the atmosphere was laidback without forced conversation. After our meal, Evelyn got chocolate cupcakes with chock full of frosting swirls, and there were big plastic heart rings to top off each of the cupcakes. We didn't have candles but Eileen ran out to her car to get match sticks. She lighted up one for me. I didn't have to make a wish because my 18th birthday wish came true; it was to spend a good time with cherished friends. But I still had a wish to make, so I wished my friends all good luck in life before I blew out the matchstick. We all walked out the restaurant with big plastic rings on our pinky. Poor Alberto, his pinky got squashed from forcing the plastic ring on. Alberto must have wished me Happy Birthday literally two dozens times in at least three different languages and he gave me at least half a dozen hugs, every hug he hurted little ole me because he's such a big guy...an ogre... like Shrek.

We returned to school and I gave the last cupcake to Mr. Sandora during brunch. Jeremy and Evelyn told Sandora that we must see him wear the ring in class. He did! During the whole of lecture notes, Sandora had a big lime green plastic ring squeezed on his pinky. Later he took it off because he told me it was killing his finger. I got lots of Happy Birthday wishes because a classmate had written "Happy Birthday Nga!" on the white board for everyone to see.

During the last period of Mrs. JanischGriffin economics class, Crystal slyly and unexpectedly mentioned it was my birthday before she sneaked out of class early to go to her softball game. I was embarassed because I didn't intend for the whole senior biotech class to know it was my birthday let alone sing me a Happy Birthday song. I was blushing throughout the whole song. After the song, Deron presented me with a homemade card that the class put together during Sandora's second period. I was so touched. I tried to be as gracious as I can. My friends and the biotech class probably don't realize how special they have made my 18th birthday. Thank you so much!!! and thanks God for letting me have the best 18th birthday ever. I thank You every day for allowing me to get up in the morning.

After I got home, my mom was ready to take me shopping to get me presents. I got a pair of vans checkered-like, Tommy Hilfiger shoes and an orange beach shirt. Thanks Tina for the personalized pillow present, I really love it. I will try not to get drool over it. My mom also gave me two bucks so I can purchase my first lotto ticket. I picked the number 1, 9, 32, 4, 28 and mega # 18.
1: for only the one day of the year that is your birth date
9: for 9 chocolate cupcakes with chocked full of frosting swirls and 9 big plastic heart rings for topping.
32: for the meal number I ordered at the noodle house, Pho Hoa
4: the month I was born
28: the day I was born
18: the age I became

All in all, I would not change a thing about my 18th birthday.

current mood: good

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Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
4:42 pm - singing the blues
How's it going. Me? the usual. Always writing in my blurty to capture the gloom of my days. Doesn't it seem that way? During my happy moments, I hardly ever think of recording it down in my blurty. What is it this time you ask?

Well... I think I got the BLUEs. But the kraft's macaroni Blues BLUEs. I don't mean to say indulging in a bowl of macaroni and cheese will take away my BLUEs. It's the kind of blues that might just be visiting and passing by soon. It's nothing serious; I'm not morbidly sad. So that's why I call it kraft's macaroni blues; its nothing I can't handle. Lately, I just feel sad for no particular reason.. you know... just right out of the blues. Cheesy huh? Hopefully Kraft's chesse cheesy.

But can one be really sad over nothing? I guess I'm sad because I don't have any real close friends that I can totally relate too. Maybe I'm sad because I feel like I never fit into a group. Or I'm sad because I'm not as fun to be around with as I would like to be or because I'm going to San Jose State rather than elsewhere. Possibly, I'm sad because I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

No.

None of these things are the root of this blue episode.
1) I can always talk to God if I don't have any close friends to talk too. I know God is very good at keeping conversations confidential.
2) I have never fitted into a group since elemenatary. In middle school, I might have cried about not belonging. but now I'm all cried out. I cried myself a river and already built a bridge to get over it.
3) I pretty much hang out with myself all the time. Damn Nga! would you ask Nga to be more fun to be around with.
4) San Jose State is not bad. David, Annie, Thuy, and a bunch of other fun-loving, outgoing people go there. Moreover, I'll be elsewhere anywhere in only a few weeks when I get my driver's license.
5) Turning 18 has its benefits. Porn and cigarettes!! and not to forget the California's Super Lotto!

So there you have it, I'm sad over nothing. I have an ineffectual sadness. I'm just striding along, possibly even skipping along with the notes of this blues episode with no hemmoraging, just purple daisies.

current mood: okay
current music: Outkast "roses"

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Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
9:51 pm - a century?
ENTRY: 100!!!!!

Wow! I never thought I would be able to keep a diary for this long and have 100 entries.

current mood: accomplished
current music: applause

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Saturday, February 21st, 2004
11:01 pm - returning to you
I did not keep my promise, so it ends up I am just all talks. I am going to continue to ramble. Skim on if my tupence is of any worth to you.

I did not go to Rose's school couselor because I had doubts about whether the school counselor could offer any real good assistance in dealing with my defiant sister. Acutally, I did not want to get up from my couch, get ready, and walk to my old middle school and spill out my frustration and family problems to a complete stranger. My parents and I have been getting along real fine now ever since the root of our gray hairing is stemmed from my sister's bad behavior. Yesterday I did not have to look at my sister because I was out for most of the day and I spent the night at my little cousins. However today, I had to put up with the irritable sight of her. My sister makes my blood boil because she just doesn't understand how much grief and headaches she causes upon the family. I wanted to punch Rose hard in the stomach for at least a dozen times and I had to pray to God to give me the strength not to. Tonight's mass preaching was about forgiveness. The guest preacher gave a dramaticaly terrific sermon about forgiveness, as terrific as the sermon was, it did not move me. I reflected on the lies and bull shit my sister did and forgiveness seems useless, especially when she's going to continue lying and being manipulative. Jesus is too kind to forgive man a hundred times forever over again.

Yesterday, I hung out with Rosa, Marco, Thuy, and her friend Mark downtown. We went to Ben and Jerry's for sweet treats and to the movie theatre afterwards. We watched GIRL WITH PEARL EARRING because that was the only movie available that didn't require us to wait for an hour to see. Also, Camera theatre is small; it doesn't have a lot of movies playing at similiar time. The movie was a big disappointment, I almost fell asleep. I did not have all that much fun during the outing. Even though Mark was a great guy, I was unable to talk to him because I sometimes can get real clammy meeting new people. Therefore Thuy kept Mark company while I kept reserved and talked to Rosa, whom I was more familiar with from school. I started to talk more when Marco joined us but conversation just went with both sides only half listening. Marco and I don't have as much in common as I thought. I don't see us hanging out anytime soon. A year ago, Marco and I hung out because we both needed a friend. He was vulnerable and depressed and I wasn't any better. Now that he has graduated from high school and have met a lot of cool, intriguing, eccentric people, he's feeling better and happier. It is just not only meeting cool new people, it is also about leaving the high school stage behing that I think he is feeling better. I'm glad that Marco is happier now. As for me, I am still feeling gloomy and currently seeking a friend to hang out in part silence with.

I feel like I'm 17 going on 77 without all the life experiene of a 77 years old lady.

I checked out the independent animated film, WAKING LIFE at the librry the other day. It's more like a college philosophy lecture than a film with a plot and an antagonist. The movie had probably at least a dozen profound arguments about life and existence but my mind was too clutterd to keep up with the intellectual dialogues in the movie. I only remember
"What keeps most of us from reaching our fullest potential?"
"Fear or Laziness?"

For me its laziness, therefore nobody should ever feel sorry for me, including myself. It's a lot easier drowning in self-pity than exerting the effort to get out of the pool.

Be angry with me.

current mood: self-loathing

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Thursday, February 19th, 2004
9:01 pm - how it's going
I haven't updated in a few months. Well it matters little what happened in that gap of time. I guess we should only live in the now. And now I feel lousy, living it up lousy. My parents are ranting at my sister because tonight she decided to stuff her clothes in her backpack after my mother demanded her to go eat dinner. Things have not gone well with my sister. She's been defiant and rebellious. Four weeks ago she was suppose to be at Bible study school, but instead she ended up caught by a Rite Aid personnel stealing cameras and small junkets. After that week, she skipped youth group gathering and went to a sleep over without phoning everybody at home the entire night and the folowing afternoon. She even had the audacity to tell my mother that she should get her own cell phone so that my mother can call her to find her whereabouts. First of all, my sister is the one that should be calling my mom to tell her where she's going and who's house she is at. Second, it would be a lot more effective if my mom had a tracking device drilled into my sister's arrogrant brain. She's gotten calls from her teacher. She comes home late and never make appointed times. Her typical responses are " yea so," "I don't want to," "it's not easy," "I'm not like her," "the other kids do worser things," "you take it to the ass."

I used to stick up for my sister, and tried to prevent her from getting in trouble but after too many lies she fed me, I stopped. I used to become an emotional crashing trainwreck whenever my sister caused turmoil between her and my parents. I hated the constant yelling, back yelling, and slamming. Right now, I'm mostly numb to it all because I've tried not to care about my sister anymore. What was I thinking when I tried to get her to attend mass everyday with me, a christian miracle? Christian miracle or not, sending her to a convent would be worth a shot.

I stopped making promises a while back because promises are meaningless and depressing if you are not incline to keep it. But I promise to you here, tonight, that tomorrow I will go talk to my sister's school counselor and find a social worker to see if they can't get any sense into her.

current mood: gloomy

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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
5:30 am - Thanksgiving weekend
Thanksgiving vacation was good. I went to my cousin's house on wedenesday afternoon and left the following thanksgiving thursday night. Before my sister and I left my cousin's house, my aunt and uncle were in a heated argument. My uncle did not want to go to my aunt father's house to spend thanksgiving with her family. He told her to make an excuse for him. My uncle always invent excuses to avoid spending time with his in-laws. I have heard that lots of people don't like their in-laws; but my aunt's family are very good and kind people. It ended up that my uncle had thanksgiving home with his eleven year old baby and a sardine can. Aunt Dzung invited my sister and me to go have thanksgiving dinner at her father's house but I had declined because I knew that my family already had plans to go to my dad relative's house, but I opted to not go. Thanksgiving night I had the whole house to myself. I showered and got washed up and said my thanksgiving prayer at the dinner table before I had half a frozen pizza on the couch. I watched some tv and fell asleep before 10pm. I haven't been able to stay up so late, lately. I wonder if Conan o'Brien misses me.

there's a few more things that happened during the thanksgiving weekend that I want to put down, but I'll continue later...

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Monday, November 24th, 2003
8:38 pm - Dori
Here's a quote I learned on Saturday
"It is impossible to be unhappy when one is grateful."

I believe I am gratefull, but still I feel unhappiness.
Maybe, I don't have enough gratitude for my blessings?

Just to update you, the light at the end of the tunnel just opened an inch.
well maybe it never closes or open. It's always there.
maybe its me moving closer and farther.
Fuck with the maybes, it's probably me

I watched finding Nemo on Friday for science class. I like Dori.

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7:32 pm - cheese it
Today in history class, my group and I presented our two court case presentation. It went okay, even though I set the standard for the presentations that would soon follow... I didn't feel like hot stuff after the presentation largely because I was too depressed about how Tina, Dennis, and I failed as a group. I was the group leader and person in charge of powerpoint and skit direction. Tina and I outlined and prepared props. Tina did a lot of work with the props. She is the one that concentrated on the small picture, often down to the smallest details which often makes me the one to reluctantly snap her out to the big picture. Sometimes I would get irritated with Tina because she got so nitpicky with the minute details. However, I can't complain about her being a dedicated team player. Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing for Dennis. I am very disapointed in him. I am not angry with Dennis because there isn't any benfit in getting a hernia over it.... or maybe there is?

Anyways I just thought he had changed and would be a person that would stick to his word. He promised Tina and me that he would do his best and work cooperatively with us to succeed as a group in our presentation. I guess that was just wishful thinking. Dennis barely did research on the court cases. So I summarized and explained the court cases to him, but even then he failed to pay attention. Dennis ended up bailing out on us for most of the group meetings and the group meeting that he did show up for, he was late. Tina and I knew that Dennis has work after school, but we tried as best as we can to cater the group gatherings around his schedule. Dennis would make a bunch of excuses and profusely apologize. In the beginning, Tina and I were sympathetic and forgiving but when a person keeps saying sorry all the time, it reaches a point where the apologies no longer have any worth or meaning. Dennis admitted that he wasn't contributing much to the group, but instead of doing something about it, he just kept saying sorry.

I am beginning to hate the phrase, "I'm sorry."

There's the other view: I AM JUST TRAGICALLY TERRIBLE WORKING IN PAIRS OR IN GROUPS.
"I am the cheese, I stand alone."
the cheese stand alone
the cheese stand alone
hi ho the dairy o
the cheese stand alone.

recommeded book: robert cormier's I AM THE CHEESE

current mood: cheesed off, not to be confused with pissed off

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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
7:31 pm - dimming.. chou. chou
On Saturday, I went to visit my little cousins at their new place. My uncle recently bought a mobile home in the most lovliest mobile park I have ever seen. The mobile parked even had a swimming pool and beautiful picturresque landscapes; there were citrus trees all over the park. My uncle's mobile home is very nice and spacious, better than our townhouse. Aunt Dzung did a nice job of decorating and cozying up the place. They haven't got cabled install in their home so I mainly watched my little cousins play video games. I took Troy and Tony out for a walk and gave them each piggy back rides. I mostly spent time playing with baby Timothy.

On Sunday, I attended a distant cousin's baby baptism. I hope my mother doesn't surprise me by having a baby. I don't think I can handle having a baby sibling at 17. It's best that a life does not get born into my family, because each of us is slowly dying. Lately, we've been having silent dinners. Nobody really talks to anybody in the family. Everybody goes about the house doing their own business, doing the basics to get through each day and then going to sleep. Sleep is good. Sometimes I want to sleep forever. Often after waking up from a two hour nap, I lay there shutting my eyes hoping I will enter another two hours of nap. I don't care for family bondings and moments anymore. I'll be content if everybody in the house just have respect for each other.

I feel like I am slowly wasting away. Everyday I wake up to a melancholy morning. Everyday I reluctantly put on my school clothes and walk off to school. Then, I come home, sleep and then wake up dreading homework and reality altogether. I feel very heavy with grief, sorrow and disappointment. It's getting very hard to go through each day, yet I am still thankful. I pray to Virgin Mary and God to help me get though each day's obstacles

In the end I know that things will be okay. But the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far and dim right now.

current mood: depressed

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Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
10:47 pm - four day of decay
I had a four day weeked: saturday, sunday, monday, and tuesday. Monday was senior cut day and Tuesday is Veterans Day. I feel a little guilty about cutting school on Moday because I shouldn't be cutting free eduation classes when I will soon be paying for classes in college. Mainly I spent the four days decaying my health and soul on the velvet sofa in front of the radiating television. I should have spend the hours praying by the rosary instead of eating because now I experience the consequences of the sin of gluttony. I don't know if my school uniform will fit tomorrow.

I talked to An today. He makes me feel better. He makes me feel very important because he regards me as his strength to his will or was it his will to his strength, either way I am very important to him. We both are stuggling day by day but under different circumstances. I think things are a lot tougher for him because he has been outcasted by his close ring of friends. He almost committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. Fortunately Christina was there for him. I am thankful for Christina for saving An. I wish I could go to An's school and hang out with him or he can come o my school and hang out with me so that he won't be so alone. An's favorite quote is "there must be pain before joy." I just wish eveything gets better for him.

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Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
3:36 pm - blurred line
I think I might become a social worker.

School was fine today. In history class, I watched the first half of Primal Fear starring Richard Gere and Edward Norton. My class and I were just getting to the real juicy part of the movie when the bell rang. Edward Norton's sweet boyish character just revealed his other, more darker personality of his disociate personality disorder. I think I should have taken pyschology this year. Today before I go to bed, I am going to remind myself to remember my dream. Then, I am going to go to a dream interpretator to see if I can't understand myself better.

Maybe I am living in a dream. Maybe my real body is in a coma and what I am doing now is all a dream. What if I never wake up from the coma? If I am living in a dream then at least anything can happen, even flying pigs... unless, there are restrictions in dreamland too.

current mood: gassy
current music: flakes -Jack Johnson

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Monday, November 3rd, 2003
7:57 pm - I love movies
Setting the time an hour back took place about two weeks ago. The weather have instantly turned cold. It's feeling more like fall and winter now. Even though it gets finger-numbing cold, I appreciate the weather. Breathing in the cold air is refreshing and I like it when my cheeks freeze... well most of the time.

As usual, I spent Halloween night alone in my room reading. I read chapter 3 of Frankenstein. I think I understand the same lonliness that Victor Frankenstein mentioned. I had planned to make Halloween night a Blockbuster night but I fell asleep before 9:30. I feel like an old biddy falling asleep so soon. I watched the movies that I intended for Halloween night over the weekends. I watched Star Wars II: attack of the Clones. It was a lot better than Episode I, it had better and cooler action scenes or maybe it was because of Hayden Christensen. Star Wars is not from my generation. The only reason I got interested in Star Wars was because of my profound fondness for Hayden Christensen. At the risk of sounding like a junior high kid, I LOVE HAYDEN with the same zealous love that I used to feel for Justin Timberlake. Hayden portrayed intense vulnerabilty in his character Anakin which made him that much more irresistible. Vulnerability can be so attractive. The posture and gaze of a vulnerable person is more likely to catch my attention than someone who tries to grab my attention with a neon sign and a megaphone. I was happy to discovered that Jedi Knight positions were not just reserved for males. I want to become a Jedi Knight after watching the film. It would be mind blowing if I had telekinesis and a badass light saber. I am debating whether becoming a Jedi Knight is better than becoming a Hogwarts student. May the force be with me in making that decision.

I also watched Legally Blonde with Reese Witherspoon. It was the same kind of funny you would get after hearing a good dumb blonde joke. I spotted some uncanny resemblances between Elle woods and Bruiser the little pup. Then I watched Taxi Driver starring Robert DeNiro 20 years younger as Travis Bickle. I was surprised to see the younger version of DeNiro, Cybil Shepard, Peter Boyle, and Jodie Foster. DeNiro looked very attractive in his youth. The movie was a pyschotic thriller movie, there was no rosy peachy scenes, except if you consider the very gruesome and graphic blood bath scene rosy. The movie showed the dark slum side of the big city. I don't know if I would like to come across a Travis Bickle character in real life. Travis Bickle did kill in the movie but for honorable intentions. Bickle has a lot of spontaneity which can be overwhelming for an average person like me. He is a good man with a good heart, but his ways of things are quite unconventional and alarming. Do I sound like a conformist? Well today I did something, or should I say DID NOT do something that just furthered displayed how passive I am. You can't be a passive person and a non-conformist, can you?

current mood: full
current music: semi-charmd life -Third Eye Blind

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Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
7:15 pm
I hope your day was good. I don't even know who you really are and odds are, I am never really going to know if your day went by good or bad. If I am never going to have a real chance of knowing how your day went then I would just have to settle on crossing my fingers in hopes that you had a good day.

I think one day I might possibly become a teacher. Of course I want to be good at my profession. I can picture teachers, specifically new teachers feeling very terrible and lousy when they put in tons of effort into helping their students and the end result is that the students fail. I felt lousy today when the people in my reading group that I was in charged of failed to answer the majority of the teacher's questions. After each long paragraph that my group and I read, I would summarize and point out the main ideas and importances of those paragraphs to my group. I even changed tones to stress upon the main ideas and important traits of the book characters. I earnestly wanted to help my group understand the book's beginning. I was frustated when a classmate did not pay attention and did not reconize how much I wanted to help her understand the book. I felt incompetent at grasping her attention. Reading is my strongest subject and if I can't teach someone to understand what they just read then how I am suppose to teach any other subject.

current mood: incompetent

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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
10:13 pm - great balls of ... grease?
I am not sure if I am feeling better or worse. I am still confused and the future constantly fazes me. I am also feeling very greasy and oily. I am probably feeling like a greaseball because I feel like a fraud, especially in school. For instance, I have taken French class for the past three years and yet I barely can manage to say two sentences without stumbling. Somehow I fooled the teacher into giving me A's for the past three years. Or maybe I am feeling like a greaseball because my face is secreting so much oil. Or maybe it's both. Because I am a fake, my face becomes greasy and the consequences of me becoming a fake is a face blothed with red exploding volcanoes of pus. The red blotched face points me out as a fake and warns other to stay clear of me. It there was such a thing as fake-dar, it would detect me. I am full of hypocrises and empty promises. However, I really have cutted back on making promises.

Life is really hard. I am sure you heard that phrase before. It really is hard. But I guess the answer that follows that phrase is, "so what live with it."

current mood: oily

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Saturday, October 25th, 2003
7:46 am - Good morning
I am feeling better. I think I feel my best when I wake up in the early moring with no particular rush or work in mind. I like it when everybody is still asleep and I am the only one up; this allows me to get a headstart with my daily idiosyncransies. I probably like the early morning because it is when it is to early for me to be maladroit.

Doh! I just forgot my mother's birthday was on Wednesday. I can't believe it took me three days to realize that I had forgotten about it. I better make her a belated homemade birthday card out of colored construction papers. I wonder if she is a bit sad and disappointed that her family have forgotten about her birthday. In my family, birthdays are not big brouhahas, there is not even cake. But we do aknowledged that it is a family member's birthday. Sadly, we failed this year to remember my mother's birthday. I wonder how next year is going to be.

current mood: awake

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Monday, October 20th, 2003
9:41 pm - Alienation
My excuse of being too busy with schoolwork have been repeated so many times that I think it has alienated my friends and family members. In reality, I am not too busy, just too lazy. I am mad, but mostly disappointed in myself for allowing the gradual separation between my friends and me. I am occupied with questions and uncertainties more than anything else. I try to sleep away these pestering questions and self-doubt, but they are always there to greet me when I wake up. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to go to college anymore. Forget school. Forget goals. Forget happiness. What happened to simplicity?

I wonder what Marco is doing? Wherever he is, I hope he is safe and having fun.
I might become a nun, that is if I get the calling. I wouldn't want to serve the Church, only God. I just learned how to pray by the Rosary. Pope John Paul II announced October 2003 - October 2004 to be the year of the Rosary, please pray for world peace and for your family and friends. I also took up the Rosary because I could use the extra help and guidance. I've been reciting the Apostle's Creed and Prayer of the Virgin Mary at Fatima throughout the whole day. It's either you have faith or you don't, there is no in between.

"O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell, lead all souls to heaven, especially those who have most need of your mercy."

Hopefully, I haven't alienated God.


An sent me the following poem he wrote. He figured if anyone could understand the message best, it would be me. I hope he figured right. I would hate to disappoint him any further.

Wooed from out its microsprophyll, among a thousdand hazel on a hill
where the destined wind will blow, you shall blindly come to flow
to be dispersed by loving fate, to be absorbed at any rate
to strip away your ornamentation, your outer wall of hesitation
and with your extine gone forever, so does your ties to mater severed
to loose yourself in destiny's hand, to fly across teh floral land
until at last your love in sight, upon teh moon's crescent light.
Your hazel stamen, your hazel pleasures high amidst teh catkin's many feathers.
and with your envious pride that you love it with, shall float away with dawning's mist.
oh vernal pollen of vernal longing, seek her pistil not his stamen...

current mood: not so good

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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
4:33 pm
Hi, I'm suppose to be working on my schoolwork but I have yet to find the rhythm. Usually, I find the rhythm for doing my homework in the dead of night or at insufficient times like during lunch break.

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Monday, October 6th, 2003
10:45 pm - working the puzzle
This morning I almost fooled myself into thinking I was actually sick. I really wanted to be sick so that there would be a legitimate reason to stay at home. I got up around 6:35 am and put on my school uniform and shoes. I stood still in front of the mirror with my school attires for at least 10 minutes examining and comtemplating whether I should go to school or not. The daily morning telephone call from Yvette rings and still I was indecisive. After murmuring my uncertainties, I told Yvette to go ahead and walk to school without me. A few more minutes passed as I stared at myself in the mirror, and those few minutes after the morning school bell ultimately made my decision to stay at home.

I hopped back into my bed. I grabbed FAST FOOD NATION among the dozens of books that are sprawned on my bed and started to read my english assignment. The main reason I wanted to stay at home was because I did not finish my homework. I did not want to go school with unfinished work because that would be just too much loose ends to worry about at school. I hate loose ends. I have too much loose ends that need tying up and I thought today would be the day or at least the day that would start the tidying of the wrangle mess of loose ends.
Ummmm, I did get some work done but I am quite a befuddled knot.

During the previous four days I mostly spent my time sleeping to avoid my homework. I must have averaged twelve hours of sleep for each of those four days. Despite the abundance of sleep I accumulated, math class sill somehow lulled me into a slumber. I was fully awake in all my other classes, it was just math class that made my eyelids drooped.

On Wednesday, I went downtown to see LOST IN TRANSLATION at camera 1 with Claudia. It has been a long time since I have gone out to see a movie. The last time I went to see a movie was probably in March. The Camera theatres are nice places to watch movies because they are small, cozy, humble, and nobody worries about attracting glances from the opposite sex. LOST IN TRANSLATION was a good movie that made me forget about the mutilple assignments that awaited me when I arrived home. I might turn into that one woman in that one Woody Allen film that constantly visits the movies to escape reality to live in fantasy. I say I might which means doubt.

At home, I watched OCEAN'S 11 with my mom and it's a great movie if you have not had the chance to see it yet.

It's late, better say my prayers and wish you good night.
Good night

current mood: exanimate

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