Moises' Blurty
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Moises' Blurty:

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    Friday, March 11th, 2005
    9:52 pm
    "My momma taught me, everything fine ain't the finest.... and everything shine ain't a diamond. They say that change comes with time, and I'm finding... that most bitches take your kindness for blindness..."

    T.I. ft. Pharell - Freak Though

    Truthfully, there's not much else I can say. The more I scrape for deeper layers, the more I realize that perhaps, there is nothing left to scrape. I've been hurt far too many times to learn to trust at this point. I say this carefully, because love has a way of making you a hypocrit. I guess I just can't see myself giving in the way I did, eyes closed... going all in on the unforgiving wager that is LOVE. Me and my brother constantly nudge one another at the right times... when we get weary about falling back in the same habit and pursuing our hearts. Him with Sandra... and me with... well, I learned my lesson, no more names.

    I hate what he's going through, and like I said before, I wish I could take that pain of his shoulders. At the same time, nobody quite knows what THIS man thinks about in private. Few know, truly, what that one last thought is, in my mind, before I sleep... even the ones that are right there with me.

    Damn, I'm jumping from topic to topic in my mind. There's so much change going on in my life. It's hard to gather that by this time next week, I'll be living in a new home. It's od how everything, in the end, seems to have worked out for the best. The costs have balanced out in some ways, and our standard of living is going to escalate dramatically. At the same time, it's hard for me to walk away from a place that hold so many of my most amazing memories. These walls hold the secrets to the composition of this man, as well as the two others that follow. It's incredible how it all happened, how in the blink of an eye, your world turns on its axis. Harold's gonna help me move, and when we're all settled, we're throwing a little cookout pool party at the new spot... should be so thorough!! Moreover, Matt tells me Mos Def is gonna be down here on... you guessed it, March muthafuckin' 30th (guess where I'll be on my birthday).

    With all that, you'd think it's enough change... but today just dealt me a blow of how cold reality can be. My mentor, Bayardo, resigned today. With him goes a massive part of me, professionally, and personally. I've never met anyone so willing to help me out, as well as my family, for no particular reason other than kindness and loyalty. He gave Mouse a job when he got layed off, knowing that Mouse had no earthly idea what Lesco was about. He looked out for me every chance he got... and then, he became my crutch. Anything I didn't know, it was him I looked to. Shit, the same goes for every fucking manager in our region, every customer, every individual with status in the industry looked to his opinion. It's a strange situation. He went to shake my hand at the end of the day, both of us with tears in our eyes, and I looked at him bewildered... how dare you sir... and hugged him, as if he were part of my family, because in a lot of ways, he is... he did look out for me in a paternal way, and I'm indebted. The hard part is going to come in a year, when the non-compete clause expires, and he comes back down this way, as our competition. I have a year to add every ounce of ammunition, in terms of knowledge, to my arsenal... in order to withstand the assault that he will impose on our region. How on earth do I acquire enough to wage war with a man who has dedicated his entire livelihood to this industry for the past 20 years? Moreover, how do I keep it friendly... this business war? There's a lot of work ahead of me, especially being the only bilingual associate in the northern part of our region. I don't even wana think about our right now, because the thought of Lesco without B is just plain wrong... it doesn't make sense, the thought doesn't feel right.

    Lastly, Jazzy.

    I just don't know what to do. Temptation is a bitch. I feel horrible everytime I comfront her with something so dense, so thorough, that she just freezes, in silence. I feel as if I'm doing something wrong. I can't help what I feel, and at the same time, I can't help but hold back. I overstand her insecurities, her moments when she truly is shy, or unaware of how to respond to me. I don't want to walk away, I'm enamoured with what she represents, but at the same time, I told her exactly what's going to happen... and because of that, I find it hard to invest myself anymore than I may have. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with a desire to give her what her voice secretly asks of me... and I know I must be careful... exrtremely careful, because as I mentioned, this is a delicate situation. But damn, I want you Jaz... more than I can explain to you... and in more ways than the obvious...

    That's enough for now...

    Monday, March 7th, 2005
    9:33 pm
    A Strong Dose...
    He sat at my desk as I layed in bed and listened attentively. I heard the emotion in his narrative... so frighteninly similar to what I was like when I spoke of Jaime. As he stood, his account of what's been going on completely vented, he refused to accept my open arms. He knew that if he hugged me, the tears would freefall. I could do nothing. I know far too well that we are like teflon when in such state... and words from the outside, regardless of where they are from, just fade. The only turth is our own... everything is our own... the pain, the understanding, and the confusion as to why it is we fall in love with the wrong people.

    I wish there was something I could do to take my brother's pain away. I would wish it on me ten times before he would have to endure such sorrow, I guess I'm far too familiar with solitude. Not Mouse, he's the social one. He's the one who solicits smiles without effort. He's generous beyond understanding... selfless and levelheaded. I know how Candice and Lisa feel about Jaime now... having to listen and observe from the outside in, there's this frustration aimed towards Sandra. I've always been protective in that sense with my brothers. I remember the time Karen called and said what she said... I'm sure she thought nothing of it, but, I took offense to her taking my brother for granted. And my reaction, well... she'll always remember that day, and she never did that to my brother again. I guess all there is to do is have faith that he will snap out of it sooner than it took me to realize, well... that's a whole other topic.

    On another note,

    Jazmin and I are in similar situations, for different reasons. Jazmin is falling, so she says, and knows not what to do. This is the first time she's cared about anyone the way she does me, and I understand her confusion. Me, on the other hand... it's the complexity of thoughts driving me again. I don't want to fall... for so many obvious reasons. We don't choose who we have feelings for, but this situation is delicate. There are so many elements to condsider. Am I capable of being monogamous at a point in my life where I don't have the desire to? Can I handle nights, and events, such as the one from Saturday night? And what about Holly? There is more being sought from me, and I've never wanted to hurt anyone. I sit and ask myself those silly hypothetical questions. In fact, I asked the same when I was going through everything with Jaime. I took the most obviously appealing scenarios, something such as sleeping with Cyn or Patricia... and I asked what if. When you weigh one against the other, I knew whole heartedly that the way I felt about Jaime was more than enough for me. Everything else, even such temptation, was easily cast aside. However, is it now?

    Aside from the social aspect... my life in general is about to undertake a massive change. We've lived here for ten years now. I lost my virginity in this apartment... and so many other adolescent memories remain here. While it's going to be sad to leave, where we're headed is a dream come true. I think about how I am going to be able to take the next step... and it seems damn near impossible. There is so much sacrifice to be made, and it leaves so little room to take on anything more. But that's an entire other entry...

    It's good to be back... obviously sooner than expected, due to the change of scenario, but back, nonetheless.

    By the way... a word to the wise... be extremely careful of what you say to me, I'll go at you.
    Sunday, March 6th, 2005
    8:37 am
    She layed there, after having been brought to the heights of pleasure... wanting the ultimate indulgement. I, for once, was nervous... probably moreso than my subject. I'm unsure if she realizes the gift she has given me... and how this very moment would remain embedded in the fabric of her womanhood for the rest of her life.

    That being said, I cherished the moment. It had been some time since I had taken such as what was given that night, and the intricate and delicate manner that cloaked every action brought me back. Every now and then, I asked if she was alright. When I drove deeper, her moans had that taste of pleasure fused with pain. Her hand played out the confusion and delight of her entity, as they strugggled... clawing my shoulders, gripping the sheets... and sometimes, just wandering in search of the right means to control something... anything. My kisses drew tenfold passionate responses. The awkwardness and clumsiness of two far different levels of experience created a slight tension, but it was laughable tension... and it was beautiful. Her shy nature when it comes to these things was transcended by the incredibly gorgeous structure of her body. She downplays it, my humble counterpart... but she is exotic to me, and I think she knows how deep the appreciation for her runs.

    The night... or rather, the experience ended in an interesting manner, to say the least. There was nervousness and a genuine concern for one another as we walked out of the apartment. As she went down the stairs... I led, unaware of her struggle behind me. When I reached the bottom, I looked up and was amused at her smile as she descended down the stairs... stepping sideways. The moment we got in the car we both smoked a black... to ease the tension. We laughed and sat silently... listening to Radiohead at first, until eventually she conceded to let me play "Allure" by Jay-Z.

    To wish the experience were different is part of my nature. I am obsessed with perfection... not so much with what we did, because I believe that went well... but moreso when, how, and where. However, when her voice spoke later that night, the joy overflowed. I realized then that it was not a fairy tale, but rather a delicate and unique experience to be remembered. Knowing that, I'd change nothing. Experience is a beautiful thing when raw. We're both left craving more...

    Thank you. I mean, I'm humbled that you thought enough of me to receive such an incredible blessing. This one will never be forgotten... never fade, not even in detail.

    - Moises
    Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
    6:15 pm
    The Return...
    Time is amazing. It heals, it nurtures, and it teaches. And in time... March 30th, 2005, I will return... full throttle. In the meantime, my mind mends, my entity evolves...

    Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
    8:28 pm
    One Last Entry...
    I had my heart in my throat for all 9 hours of the trip to St. Augustine, and then, back home. And while, half the trip was accompanied, I've never felt more alone in my life. I never want to feel that way again. I've woken up everyday since that, cold sweats... afraid to express anything. Afraid now, of showing an inkling of emotion and having it automatically attributed to "roller-coaster" like behavior, or that irrational night. The gears turn even more incessantly, and yet, while analyzing each angle of everything that has happened... I couldn't bare to spit everything here, as much as I wanted to. There are some thing truly best left unsaid. We all are guilty of having swaying emotions... difference is that I wear mine on my sleeve, and for that, I incriminated myself. The vulnerability and weaknesses imposed by being in love were showcased disgustingly... and I'm not proud of it, but it's life... and I'm not perfect.

    That being said, I'm done with this journal. I wrote everything I wanted to say... more beautifully than ever, in my mind... and that's where all of this needs to stay. This is probably the most sensible thing I've done recently... the most rational. And I leave you with these last words, from Jay's "December 4th," to which you can all go back and read from beginning to end...

    "They say they never really miss you 'till you're dead or you're gone, so on that note, I'm leaving after this song. See, you don't have to feel no way about MO, so long... at least let me tell you why I'm this way... HOLD ON..."


    Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
    9:39 pm
    Nowhere better than here can you find an example of the old cliche... you are a product of your environment. My experiences have created a mental sillhouette, proportioned precisely according to the deep wounds suffered by my heart. No matter how I try... trust slips my grasp, and my mind questions every word, every moment of the unknown is immediatey associated with the worst case scenario. Emotions have such an amazing range, from frailty to this one raw, passionate, unconditional sense of adoration.

    I'm about six hours from getting on the road, and it baffles me how the last minute is always filled with the most intense convulsions of emotional activity. I haven't decided yet where it is I will close my eyes tomorrow night, the options are clear and blurred at once... the right thing, or the one that will make you happiest. More than that, however, is the conflict of thought within. Somehow, hundreds of miles away, I've designed this intuitive method of always deciphering the status quo of my object's complete location, emotionally, physically. Knowing for certain where I stand brings me a certain peace of mind, even if it's on the wrong side. However, when the code is broken, my heart races. What is going to happen, will happen, regardless. Unfortunately, every indivudual possesses the ability to tell the truth, or to hide it. There has always been this division between what I know she can be, and who she is. I have always prayed that love would steer her the right way, but, a while back, I realized my love for her could only do so much. That scared me. Because while previously I could swallow it and walk away, I tried it with her, and it didn't work. The next four days stand as proof. This method is proof of how I would readily use my incredibly analytical skills to comprehend and reason the uncomprehensible and unreasonable.

    My biggest fear, this entire waiting period, was always her whereabouts. Where would her curiousity take her? I guess in the end, intentions are one thing, and desire is another, more forceful dimension. While I intended it to be one thing... I always cherished the opportunity to choose which path to take, rather than be forced down one for the sake of self-respect. My heart, upon contact, will immediately yell savagely for a union far superceeding every rational bone in my body.

    All of that being said, I will once more decipher this evening... knowing far too well the difference between sincerity and fear. And all the while, somewhere deep in my heart, my faith in her knows she won't let me down.

    Friday, December 10th, 2004
    7:46 pm
    I knew, everytime I gave in to the emotions within, that I was making a big mistake. Yet, there I was... not knowing what to say when she cried, when times got rough... and all I could assure her of is that I loved her. While a shiver went down my spine upon reading her reply to one of my entries... and moreso one night, that I'm unsure if she remembers, where, amidst a hazy conversation, she confessed that she wanted me... I had, long ago, learned that wishful thinking doesn't translate into true emotions. Those facts were what was supposed to help me stay in control... knowing that regardless of what certain moments may lead her to say, the truth is that love is nonexistant... and wanting me, well... it has never been strong enough to weather the minor things. So often have I been taught the opposite of such proclamations by her actions... and we all know the cliche. I reminded myself how, in spite of the numerous explanations, and even that beautifully woven reply, the truth could be found in words previously uttered... men previously dated... experiences still sought. I told myself that those subpar men, those who will never fully appreciate her beauty or love her to the smallest degree to which I do, somehow managed to hold her, to kiss her... and perhaps more. I was ok with being friends, still am... but I overestimated how my strength would stand up to the concrete truth. I've said it time and again, love supercedes everything. My intentions were sincere, in just wanting to be around her... because truth be told, I've seldom smiled more than in her presence. Her personality blows me away. And somehow, amidst constant communication, my guard was let down, and I let mere words penetrate my soul. I found myself unable to contain the missing, the loving, the wanting... and at first it was random, a reminder that my heart was so passionately dedicated to her. But, before you knew it, I was telling her every chance I got... and the opportunity to spend time as friends, slowly became misconstrued. The comfort faded, and the questions and doubts came crashing down on something I looked forward to with such joy. Again, words fooled me to thinking she wanted to see me... and actions cleared it up, and saw doubt overwhelm such "want."

    I was furious, watching such a wonderful moment slip away. And in no way, ever, would I dare let her share any piece of the blame. It's me... I should have known so much better. I should have been stronger... because I know that the feelings I have are what poisons any opportunity for us to be objective friends. What's worse is that, lost in the excitement, I treated it like the second coming... and now, I have to slowly and smoothly disarm the anticipation I built. I couldn't be mad at her... and I made one last effort to open the door... but I guess this situation is far too fragile to place in the proximity of such an overwhelming love. And while I understand, I loathe everything I wasn't able to control for taking this from me. Suddenly, I'm told that we're back at square one, that comfort with which I was spoken to dissapeared with such stealth. I got so drunk last night... and almost didn't make it to work in one piece... and all that held me together is that perhaps I could just make this work... and the simple act of giving her a hug could once again be anticipated. Tonight, rather, we truly are back at square one. I'm left questioning myself. I'm left reminded of how it was when I knew precisely where she was, and we could not say one word to one another. I'm so ashamed of myself...
    2:06 am
    I could never be angry with you. The truth is that no matter what you say, I know what you feel and what you don't. And thus, I know I should have never led myself on. Just know that, because the saddest thing to me is to hear you cry. Regardless of my anger and frustration, the fact is that I still love you, and I would do anything to keep the tears away...
    Thursday, December 9th, 2004
    10:03 pm
    I have this elaborate thought in my mind... and I can't seem to express it.

    You ever feel so willing to be with someone , in any way, and at the same time, not willing to sacrifice your pride and esteem? I feel somewhat jealous... but there's nothing specifically to be jealous about. What's killing me is the ability to shatter my heart with one of her impulsive encounters. I'm in no place to question those things, or to even ask it not to happen... but it's a conflict when it comes to giving of myself. Because this is so different. This isn't any girl that I can just push to the side once shit goes down. Every action pertaining to her carries so much more. Love resonates... in everything. And I can't stand the thought of giving myself to her, freely, and knowing that...

    I can't even say it. I can't...
    Monday, December 6th, 2004
    12:07 am
    What It Is Like...
    The contrast between such an optimistic imagination and reality is almost ironic. Allow me to elaborate through my Hennessy contaminated, thus uninhibited, sometimes genius, analysis...

    I spent the day at the park, with the rest of the unit. I sat, watched the older guys with their wives and kids. Some of my crew brought their girls out, and me, eight years into this unit, yet to have held on long enough... to anyone, to bring out. Not Clara, not Grace... not Cynthia... none. But, that's beside the point. The point is that when you allow that candle to burn amidst everything, in your soul... you set yourself up for an eventual fanning of the flames. Conflicting inside... because I know how badly I WANT to lose myself in this once more, yet, I know that not giving in to this is what I NEED. She asked why is it not possible, and whenever I'm faced with such question... I just look to the ground, because the truth is capable of instantly inserting a thick wall between something so beautiful that we have. It's a truth that, even though I am tempted to express, I can't bare to say out loud. I only recite it in my mind, as if in preparation for an eventual moment when I'll have my back to the wall. Yet and still... my heart yearns for her in ways I never imagined I'd ever feel. I swear that I close my eyes, and I see her and I sitting together, playful, as we always are when we're around one another, just loving the tender moments. And those thoughts, when I sit on the phone with her, turn into random declarations of how much she's missed and loved... and just how amazingly beautiful she is to me. She expresses her awe, how what I say and feel... such a natural thing, is unique and amazing... and yet, if she only knew how handcuffed I feel about my feelings for her, in spite of having established a relationship so incredible. Instead of detailing the magnitude of my emotions, I ache to simply tell her how much I love her, and I pick the cleverest ways of doing so... having to choose my moments and not be redundant, because if she only knew, that every other heartbeat flows to the sound of her name... the memories of her entity... the smile, the eyes... the curiousity I adore, everything... her flaws richly outlining the image of what to this day can only be simply defined as the woman who's driven me deeper inside myself to explore an entirely new part of myself. I think of what it'd be like to stand in front of her now... and how despite everything... experiences and all, words, essays... nothing compares. That same instinct I once carried with me, the one that was used to obliterate the first chapter of us... still, so confidently tells me, that everything from the profoundness, to the strictly physical... I still appeal to her imagination. I know she loves the way I do it, from my personal style, the way I write, the way I speak, the way I think... and to be blunt and obscene... the way I ate her and fucked her. I don't care what happens... I know what I did, and words can't substitute those beautiful nailprints dug deep into my forearms while my tongue devoured her...

    And while the entire preceeding paragraph is the dominant perspective in my mind and heart... the truth of the matter is that today she spoke of Joey and complained how she hasn't heard from him. A couple of months ago, she was in a relationship which she proclaimed to be greater than anything she's ever experienced. And while I write, she's out with a stranger... paired off with a stranger. Yes indeed, the disparity between reality and my imagination is a wonderous thing.

    Friday, December 3rd, 2004
    10:54 pm
    I'm frightened. I taught myself, after falling hard to the ground and wiping the blood away, how to get by and control thoughts. To eliminate certain things from your life is not possible, especially since anything that you will ever be, as a whole, will be dwarfed by your mentality, in the presence of love. I find myself with one single piece of clarity and conviction... in that, I'm a million times glad that we speak. It is the greatest action I took in recent time, because every word, every smile I see (when I close my eyes), everything, even the silence... I just, I'm so incredibly happy that I'm not missing out on this. My heart glows...

    And then, there are moments when you inqure... and I know I can't utter a word of the things residing in my soul. I wrote my piece... you wrote yours. I honestly didn't expect a reply... and yet, there it was. Naturally, two seconds after reading it, I had already taken it apart and written an entire essay in my mind completely reacting to it... but it didn't need to be said. The point is, we both said what we did, and that's it. No need to take it another step further.

    It's 1, 2, sometimes 3 in the morning, and my phone rings. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I pick up too late, and just call back. And there I am, willing to endure fatigue at work for the sound of your voice, your breath. You have this advantage, this insight that you've been able to attain only through speaking to me at these times... where I'm barely conscious enough to hold up the barriers between you and my soul... the deepest part of it, and little by little... raw honesty leaks into the digital spectrums we each hold in our hands, and into your ears... down, i'm certain, to your heart and soul. You know now, how incredibly in love I am with you, and how while I tried to fight this, because I don't wish to sacrifice what we have worked so hard to nurture...

    I should definitely stop here... Hennessy does things to you... and this is one topic I don't want to elaborate on in such mind state...

    Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
    8:15 pm
    I'm staring into my own, cold eyes right now. That same mentality that no one else can fathom, has suddenly grasped me with a much more relative proximity than ever before. Somehow, in ways you will never understand, I feel the blame lies on my shoulders... as much as on yours, as much as on his. The words I am about to unleash are cold, and in a lot of ways, hurtful... but I feel them, and while in the long run, we still may have an opportunity to change them... the reality is that right now, shit is bad.

    I hate myself so much right now, because believe it or not, somehow, I was supposed to be able to stop this from happening. Somewhere deep inside, I feel I betrayed every single one of you. It's not about being the oldest... because the eldest of our generation are a bunch of ignorant selfish pieces of shit... no sense of loyalty, no sense of responsibility to anything. That's why I kept myself free of the drama. It's about my place... my destiny, and everything I am supposed to do, in hopes that you'd follow. Thing is that my path has been off-course for quite some time. How can I expect you to follow... and I break down in tears because of this. All my life, from the name I was given at birth, to now... my destiny, while not defined in action, has long been defined in purpose. Somehow, I was blinded in efforts to find what was already there the entire time. Love, the promise of it lured me far away from the course... and here I am. And there you are... all of you, you're all, in some way, my own kids. We're all supposed to thrive and triumph together... one by one, even if in different ways. We're not supposed to be a cliche. And yet, when you broke the news to me, that's all I could think. The opportunity... a golden one, to do everything they only dreamed of, and instead... we have all fallen, succumbing to the lack of character in this fucking country... fooling ourselves into conformity. I look at myself with hatred right now, because the simple reality is that I was supposed to be further ahead of where I am, visible to all of you... and symbol to guide your efforts and avoid the pitfalls society gives us. I almost can't say shit, because what the fuck, it almost happened to me. Before even being upset at you, I thought about the last time it happened... and how she was just about your age... and hypocricy's wicked image caused me to walk the other way. All there is now is a hatred... a disgust, because I AM... everything. Think back to every fucking time any of your parents spoke of me... think of the words they used to associate with me... it's been so fucking dug into all of your minds that I was the man... and I know deep inside, that at any given moment, your eyes all respected me, and while respect is still there, for my sincerity with each and every one of you... the rate of accomplishment has fallen far behind its destined pace.

    So yes, I place the blame, a large part of it, on myself for not providing something to believe in. I pray that this is just an obstacle meant merely to test all of us as a whole and give greater meaning to what we will eventually accomplish. And regardless of the massive dissapointment, more in myself than in you... my words stand true. Anything that child needs... it'll have two. No matter how many doors close in your face, and who tries to bury your character... I'll be there, with the door always open, ready to dismantle any challenges that come your way. I love you cuz... you're my blood, and you know that I'll go anywhere and do anything for you... I'll hold you down...


    Monday, November 29th, 2004
    3:53 am
    Love makes you do incredible things. That's as best as I can put it... having to listen to the resounding echoes of frustration inside. There will never be a good moment. I guess, in a lot of ways, I'm not supposed to feel how I do. But, it's like this...

    I found love in you. I'm tired of trying to figure out what it was... I'm never going to be able to explain how your incredibly flawed entity seems to dwarf everything and everyone else. How deep is this love? Deep enough to close an unfinished story. Love wrestled control away from everything that I stood for... my pride, my guidelines, my fixtures in how to handle someone like you. It was supposed to play out as such... I was never again to hear your voice. I was just going to do me, move on... and yet, when such love exists, you can't let go. You set all those things aside for a chance to be close to that person you love. I ignored the fact that there was no closure. I walked away from your irresponsibility with my emotions, because I have wanted to believe badly that you understood... but the truth is that you didn't, and you will not, until years from now, when someone does to you what you've done to me.

    I remember asking myself why, if we were so happy when we were together, we did not work out. I remember your well thought out and reasonable explanations. Phrases jump out at me... not ready, long distance, wanting to experience other things... and for a while, I let that be enough to quell my unquenched thirst for understanding. Love does that as well.

    Love then lead me to question myself. I've never cared to maintain any relationship with the women of my past. And there I was, yearning to be in your life, somehow, someway, after all the venom we each spit. I worried on holidays, knowing you'd make that drive home. You would not go away. I hated myself for caring so much for someone who hurt me like you did, and then again, I could not help it. My love for you was intoxicating. It was the drug I could not relinquish. It was torturous, addicting, and uncontrolable. It's around that time that I reached out to you. I somehow managed to fool myself into thinking that it would help me move forward. For a while, my soul rejoiced. Nothing to date compares to the joy that came from those first conversations. I thought, I really believed that I was letting go of what we were, and learning to accept what we became.

    And then... the mirage fell apart. Love and reality are a very flammable combination. I remember exactly... everything from realization, to feeling... and now this. Learning that you were in a serious relationship caught me off guard. It tore open old wounds. There was no hiding behind love anymore. It went against every reason you gave to me. It made me feel so miniscule. And as more details became clear, I bled inside. You may never understand how betrayed I felt learning those things. You'd have to sit and listen to someone tell you they are not ready for love... that the distance is difficult to overcome... and then watch them express love for someone else and try to make things work in spite of being 150 miles away. All this, just months removed from us. Every ounce of praise that ever came from your lips towards me disintegrated then and there. This project, meant to obtain some sense of growth, was raped of its appearance, until all that was left was love. And then, salt was poured over those same wounds with another attempt at being monogamous with someone miles away from where you reside. I had no choice but to bite my lip. They say nobody can make you feel a certain way unless you allow them to. That's the only thing that held me together at that moment. That's my character for you... I am to blame for it all.

    I've silenced that destructive blow to my ego, my soul... I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I found the strength to swallow that bitterness. Here I was, hours ago, still filled with love for you... enough to listen to you at all hours of the night and feel your pain, in spite of a dead feeling inside (having nothing to do with anything I've written today). This, one of many frustrations I held on to, because truthfully speaking, there is no right time to express these feelings. I find myself capable of reasoning the unreasonable. How, after all that, can things flow, smoothly, with all the pain inside? Simply two things. Love, being the first. For you, someone who I think is yet to learn it's true meaning... this is love. Love is setting aside everything and understanding that in the end, you would do anything to prevent a tear from streaming down the cheek of the person you love. I cried with you tonight, though you'll never know. I prayed that things worked out for you, your frustrations, and your doubts. And regardless of what happens, I'm still here, as I'll always be. The second, is me taking a step back... looking over it all. While it all hurts, seeing me as the protagonist in this tale... the omniscient perspective allows me one private consolation. I don't think you will realize for a long time what you walked away from. Taken for granted? Maybe... maybe not. Underestimated... certainly, I think so. In the end, your potential will become a reality. I have faith in you. But before you reach your peak, it'll hit you one day, how you had everything you never knew you wanted at your fingertips... and found every reason to explain why it couldn't be, rather than embrace it and find ways how it could be.

    That's my solace.

    Love Always...
    Thursday, November 18th, 2004
    7:24 pm
    Death came in fragments. Deception, dissapointment, betrayal, infidelity, and ungratefulness assaulted every aspect of his entity. Sad eyes grace the face of chaos. The entire landscape of the expectations and assumptions became a mere thing of the past. There was, there is no vision left. What is left is an empty shell... a naked soul bloodied and beaten on the shore. Nothing could be salvaged... not even enough strength to make the steel clap. He was only able to point a barrell to his face, hoping an act of God would somehow pull the trigger.

    He dipped his hat real low, so as to not allow anyone to peer into his bloodshot eyes. He wrapped himself in black... simple blacks, the kind that drew little, if any, attention to his slow pace out of youthfulness. A majestic emblem of the symbol for faith screamed hypocrisy, and so he hid it. Few and far between, he was approached by curious peoples, but there was nothing but cold air coming from his lips, hollow eyes incapable of any meaningful communication.

    You stare and criticize freely, unaware of just how much weight he carries on his shoulders. This man has given you that cold, empty look time and time again, and yet, you refuse to understand that second chances are a foreign language that is not known to him, nor does he wish to learn it. Life's reality is that second chances are never in one's control. It is a wager on the kindness of strangers. And this man has lived his life with very few kind strangers, and so, to make such wager would be silly. There is one chance for every person to earn the pure trust and respect that lasts longer than life, and he has embedded that philosophy in his brain. He lives by this, and so he makes his best effort to not hurt or cross anyone. Your self-righteousness is futile once it has tainted the thin layers of sincerity. And so, no amount of virtue and kindness is enought to wither this man out of his decay. His words are a frigid truth that you can either accept or keep from, but you can't deny them. No amount of temptation will cure this perspective now, not until death removes it's tight grip on this man's throat.
    Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
    6:15 pm
    I have so many albums that even with the tedious ear I have, some tracks fly under my radar. This one hit me today, as it seemed to define my perspective about a certain person. Bad ass track.

    I am the one you denied
    Brushed me off every time I tried
    But I'm alright.
    I'm able to swallow my pride
    And put all the bullshit to the side
    If you're ready to ride.
    I'm down for a one night stand
    I'll accept it any way that I can
    'Cause I ain't your man.
    I'll try, for whatever its worth
    Just remember who played who first.

    I can't keep my eyes off you.
    I can tell why them other guys lost you.
    Your kind's red in a flying saucer
    And that's why I can offer.
    Similarities in our characters.
    Haven't you heard the word around town,
    How I get down?
    They gonna whistle...
    Every bodypart is official
    When that ass with you
    Got my dick hard as a missile.
    Don't hop on top, cause I ride around with a pistol.
    If they pull us over, I'll be out of town with an issue.
    If you was mine...
    I'd introduce you to momma girl.
    You're stylin' in your boots and Gabanna
    I'm so used to your Prada.
    I take trips cause out in Houston it's hotta.
    Throwing that Al Green and juice that Impala
    Lay my jewels on my collar.
    You had me feeling like a fool when I holla'd
    Trying to squeeze in but you wouldn't bother
    But I ain't either.
    Soon as I realized that I didn't need her
    She's in a rush to get close to me, but I ain't eager... shit.

    I am the one you denied
    Brushed me off every time I tried
    But I'm alright.
    I'm able to swallow my pride
    And put all the bullshit to the side
    If you're ready to ride.
    I'm down for a one night stand
    I'll accept it any way that I can
    'Cause I ain't your man.
    I'll try, for whatever it's worth
    Just remember who played who first.

    Look, I don't mean to bother you
    But your sex appeal is remarkable.
    You make a G wanna walk around in a park with you.
    There ain't no telling the kind of things that I'm gonna start to do
    If I get wrapped up on your ass too fast.
    I can tell you feel the same cause when I ask, you laugh.
    So I'm gonna leave it at that... take a hint and put in my math.
    I imagine you probably look twice as good in a bath.
    And I'm buggin'
    Cause I can see you right in the hood when I pass.
    I'm never stable cause business is on my ass,
    But you can be the one that I visit before I dash.
    And I admit I been the type to hit and split,
    But you can't blame me for the females that I've been gettin' with
    Most of these broads just have their eyes on my grit...
    'Til they ain't get shit and learn to be satisfied with the dick
    And if you ain't worth it, that's all you get.
    I ain't gonna blame you, I'm gonna blame all you tricks

    I am the one you denied
    Brushed me off every time I tried
    But I'm alright.
    I'm able to swallow my pride
    And put all the bullshit to the side
    If you're ready to ride.
    I'm down for a one night stand
    I'll accept it any way that I can
    'Cause I ain't your man.
    I'll try, for whatever its worth
    Just remember who played who first.

    It seems like your attitude
    Only appears when i'm mad at you.
    And several situations occur and that includes
    When i'm gone too long, ridin' through them avenues.
    As soon as I get home, there's rumors an scattered news
    You know my fantasies. Am I feeling things, or can this be
    Your girlfriend trying to sandwich me.
    My heart's colder than sandwich meat
    Cause I come from the hood where the hammers beat.
    I move fast but at switch pace
    And pop a listerine strip in before you get all up in a bitch's face
    Moving your body like this...
    Gonna make me blow like a bottle of Crys
    Man, I don't know no one hotter to twist.
    You got my temperature risin' from your hips to your thighs and
    That glare in your eyes will brighten up a horizon
    It comes naturally, I don't bribe 'em.
    Its easy as... 1,2,3 and I slide in.

    I am the one you denied
    Brushed me off every time I tried
    But I'm alright.
    I'm able to swallow my pride
    And put all the bullshit to the side
    If you're ready to ride.
    I'm down for a one night stand
    I'll accept it any way that I can
    'Cause I ain't your man.
    I'll try, for whatever its worth
    Just remember who played who first.
    Monday, November 15th, 2004
    6:02 am
    I was furious as I hung up the phone earlier. The fury was towards myself only, she did nothing. As a matter of fact, I love her inquisitive nature, I adore it. However, I know better than to divulge things of the nature that I did. It stripped me of a layer of pride that is invaluable to me... but, the morning had more to come.

    I tossed and turned for an hour. I didn't get a minute of peace as I danced in and out of consciousness, with the conversation with Jaime constantly haunting me. At about 4:40, I finally got up... and nearly fucked things up again.

    I dialed Sensi's number, knowing damn well she'd pick up. I just needed company then and there. She picks up, and I asked her if she wanted to be my jogging partner this morning, to which she happily agreed. I threw on my shorts and sneaks, and I met her at Slade. I was so well aware of my intentions, and I was blinded by my frustration with myself. She was wearing these old junior high school shorts... damn she filled them well. So we ran, and I chose to run behind her, for obvious reasons. I analyzed every movement... it was odd, the entire analysis that went on as I starred at her ass... devising the exact method with which I would put it inside her.

    I had it down to a tee. At the end of the last lap, I sprinted, knowing she was too tired to go with me... and I raced towards the basketball courts and sat on the bench. This was all part of the plan. I let her walk towards the water fountain. The bleachers were right next to us, and that was going to be the site where I'd devour her and unleash my plethora of unrest. She leaned forward and sipped water, as I walked up behind her. I got close enough to where she felt me, right behind, her ass and my dick separated only by thin fabrics. At that moment, somehow, before she raised her head and turned to give me that smile, I had a blitz of thought race through my mind. And it struck me, how I was about to commit the same mistake I had committed earlier. I was going to compromise my pride once more. And I backed off, smiling, as if it were meant merely as a joke. I was nervous when she turned around and walked towards me... and as she got close, she just squirted water in my face, and I was so relieved.

    I picked her up on my shoulders and walked her to my car. I sat on the hood, and pulled her close. I told her why I changed my mind about dinner. I explained what I feel without holding back for her sake. It was difficult, because she flashed a smile... a smile so similar to one I flash, meant to substitute tears in the presence of someone I refuse to cry in front of. But, she knew where I was coming from. And once she understood that I didn't want a relationship and to lead her to think we had a chance at one, I invited HER to dinner.

    The explanation was thorough and clear. I'm sure it was hard to swallow, but, I witnessed someone who truly cares about me try to understand the intricacies of my mentality. More importantly than that, I avoided the disaster that would have come from giving Sensi a piece of what she wanted... the lustful piece that keeps up both up at night. Close call... and right now, my continuous dissection of a stupid and instinctive confession is momentarily clouded by a brief peace, having been able to avoid another mistake.

    Close fucking call...
    3:29 am
    I seem to lose myself in my efforts to satisfy your inquistions. There are things I know I should absolutely keep within, and yet I give in to your curiousity, only to be left with a wounded pride in the introspective aftermath. I guess this lesson is yet to be learned.
    Sunday, November 14th, 2004
    10:44 pm
    I guess you can sit and say that we get along better as friends. I understand completely where your opinion stems from. I, however, disagree.

    The truth, no matter how hard we try to make it seem less harsh, is as follows. You will never be able to say that the time you spent by my side was sad. I can think of few moments where we were consumed with hurt, so much that we were not happy when we were in one another's presence... except for the last trip up your dwelling place. I made sure that I always found some way, any way, to bring a smile to your face. Our chemistry transcends the status of our relationship. The truth is that you didn't love me. That's the plain-faced image of reason. From there, everything tore at the seams, and our frustrations were only overwhelming once we were apart. It isn't a blame game. It's just a simple fact, that while I'm sure you admire me for who I am, and how I made you feel... still, your love, then, was beyond my reach. As I mentioned, the aftermath was my implosion taking grasp of the situation. I didn't know how to handle someone who I wanted so bad not feeling the same. I felt raped of my self-esteem. I had never in my life wanted and loved someone like I did you, and to not have that reciprocated left me unable to cope with anything. I was a confused man, simply put.

    After all subsided... after understanding and accepting that you and I would never be together again in that sort of relationship, I learned to be objective. No amount of pain could quell how much I care and how deeply addicted to you I am. Again, how I feel about you transcended past bylaws of the way I handle things, and now, you're the only exgirlfriend I still talk to, and have an honest friendship with. It's not about us having better chemistry as friends... it's about us not feeling the same about each other. Maybe it was your "youth and inexperience". Maybe I just wasn't what you were looking for... but to say that we get along better as friends defies every smile you flashed when I carressed your heart. It denies the fact that I introduced a feeling to you, an overwhelming feeling that still captivates your soul and forces a smile, and an occassional blush on your cheeks.

    The fact is that there's too much energy between us for me to force myself to walk away. I will never cease caring for you, and loving who you are. And for that reason, I'd say we're great friends. We laugh and bullshit and have been able to handle what once seemed like a very fragile situation. Our chemistry is indeed beautiful, but, it was too a healthy factor in the days when we were consumed with different emotions.

    That's my opinion.
    4:09 am
    My pride won't let me do it.

    I was surprised when I heard your voice. I'll give you that. Unfortunately for you, that's where your assumption and my reality go off on different tangents. The reason I was willing to let you ride with me, go get a drink or two, is because after what happened, I wasn't upset. I'm sure your "my shit don't stink" attitude led you to believe that I was hurt, or even saddened for a minute. At best, I held my breath for a second... and that's it. You have to understand that the degree of your attractiveness is overwhelming only to a lesser minded man. I was fascinated by your potential, but that's as far as it ever went.

    I'm sure that you have your theories about why I pulled back. I can already hear you trying to convince me that I shouldn't feel resentment or anything... and honestly, I'd fight back laughter if you gave me that speech. Truth is, you don't interest me. You, your delightful body... it's nice to look at, good to touch, but, I've had great girls in my life... far more substance, even more attractive ones, even though I'm sure you think you're it. I'll chill with you anytime. I'm comfortable. You did what you had to do, and I respect your honesty more than you know... but, I'm not one of these primitive cats you like to date. You're not enticing, and even on the nights where I'm full of lust... I would never hit you up for that, as much as you may be willing. As a matter of fact, it gives me a certain satisfaction that you can only wonder what if, as you hear stories from your girlfriend about how "intense" my sex was.

    What is sad is that when I first met you, I saw you as more than a fuck. I searched you for far greater things, and I truly thought you were inspiring. Few girls can claim that... and you hesitated with it, and didn't know what to do, so you went back to your ex... didn't answer my calls for a while, and I just shrugged it off. It was never nearly as devastating as you'd tell yourself it was. You know what did get to me? That night, when you called and apologized for it all, and explained your feelings. It was bitter sweet... too little too late... and eclipsed by your disregard for my intelligence. It made me so sad to see someone I respected do what you did, and then come back, apologize, and then have their apology seem less sincere by your obvious attempts to indulge in what your girl fiends for. There was envy, ignorance, and emptyness in you that evoked my pity.

    So when you tried to kiss me, and I turned my cheek... it wasn't a hurt man. Bluntly put, you don't do it for me. And when it comes to fucking you, like I did your girl... my pride won't let me give that to you, because I want you to remember what you passed up. That's reality bitch...
    Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
    11:48 pm
    I have written dozens... literally, dozens of passages detailing ever ounce of passion that every existed, and still exists... for you. I have written them, and recited them time and again. I come to a fork in the road, however... because while my pride says you're not deserving... the lyrics of my soul's lovesongs are undeniable.

    Just another random thought...

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