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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
8:55 pm - i think my boyfriend hates me...so this is the email i sent him.
Hey hey hey!
do you know who this is? well lets hope so because i'm girlfriend. yeah the one that you always so conveniently forget about like when you say that you are gonna call and you dont. well im really tired with putting up with it jon. you are better than that. and i damn well better hope that i mean more to you than that. dont you see that are pretty much not respecting me let alone proving to me that i "complete" your world. or was that anniversary card just something that you can throw at me and expect me to fall for your every whim. yeah well guess what mr. niles, maybe im starting to realize that i deserve better than that even though you were the best out there. so what am i left with now...NOTHING. i cant help but think that maybe you are out with other girls denying having a girlfriend or maybe your 10th grade slut wasnt just giving you those dvds just for giving rides...well to school anyways. im tired of hurting. im tired of letting you hurt me and then me try to justify why you treat me the way you do. im not asking for a whole lot from you. maybe some respect and common courtesy from someone i thought was my best friend. the same someone who promised to never hurt me, and yet thats pretty much all you do unless we're having sex or something. but even that hurts because it's me making love to you and it's just sex to you. all you are is an empty promise to me anymore. i feel that everything that comes outta your mouth is a fucking lie. you lie when you tell me that you apologize. you lie when you tell me that i complete your world. im starting to think that you like everytime that you say i love you too. is our whole relationship just a lie? i mean do i seriously mean anything to you anymore except for sex? jon i dont think that you realize exactly what you do to me. everything that goes wrong i feel its like my fault. but i dont know what i did this time to deserve any of this. i thought that i gave you whatever made you happy...is that not enough for you? you have all the freedom you need. you can already do whatever you want. and im terribly sorry if i want to hang out a lot and you dont wanna because im like cramping your style or something. i need to know what is going on inside of that head of yours. i need to know if i mean enough to you to actually stay around anymore. it hurts to say this jon it really does but i dont know if i can continue to still be with you and constantly make sacrifices for you when you dont even acknowledge me. you have your days jonathan. those days when you are exceptionally good to me and actually make me feel like your girlfriend, like on sunday and that one week when you were complimenting me constantly. but most of the time i feel like nothing to you, especially when you are grabbing at my crotch and always talking about my ass. hello there's more to me than just my ass. i dont feel like a person around you anymore. i feel like an object, just something for you to use when you want it. like seriously what would it take for things to change a little? you say you dont wanna change who you are, i know. but dont i mean enough to you for you to wanna change a little. just a little? after all of the sacrifices i made for you and i cant even get you to pay attention to me unless im naked or i have my hand in your pants. i put my hand in your pants to try and get you to notice me a little. or sometimes you just tell me to stop and ignore me even more. i dont know maybe its just not the cool thing to do anymore. what does shawn treat his girlfriend like crap? and it all comes down to this next question: DO YOU EVEN WANT TO BE WITH ME ANYMORE OR NOT? because if you dont, then stop hurting me and just spare me your bullshit like "i'll call you when i get home from work."

i dont know what else to say. im tired of telling you this shit to your face. because 1. you dont listen 2. you dont care and 3. you get annoyed.

umm...when you get this (whenever the hell that will be), just talk to me, be honest with me. call me or if you really want to make an impression, visit me at work. thats gotta be a cool thing to do because rob virgin does it, right? ::its 8:47pm:: well anyways you're probably over shawns drinking because thats awesome and not thinking about me and maybe even flirting with some ugly girl named lydia.

please jon, if you never ever do anything for me the rest of your life, just stop hurting me. you were the last person i expected this from. i mean it when i say this...

i love you for always and forever!
~!~me~!~

ps: i guess im the only one in this relationship that can keep a promise.

current mood: worried
current music: >>i need the smell of summer i need its noises in my ear<<

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Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
10:09 am - i love jonathan!
reasons why i shouldnt press stop while jon is checking his band mail->because he said so! anyways lets update:i still live at daddy's and things are great. im not on medicine anymore and it wouldve been 2 years today that me and marc were together CREEPY! but me and jon are still together and things are fantastico.YAY! for us! anyways senior prom was on saturday the 15th and john mayer was there! overall it was fun well for me at least! hmm what to talk about........nothing i bored and school is almost over. anyways life is good and me and jon are even better! i want to go to the beach and to be with jon niles..naked.....forever.....woooooohoooooooooooooo

current mood: amused

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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
10:15 am - EOP
hello jon because you are the only who reads this.........................i love you pumpkin because you are the bestest person ever in this whole universe..................... damn right you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO GO JONATHAN NILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: giddy
current music: PUFF DADDY........bad boy for life

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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
8:57 pm - Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
saturday was my birthday and this is what i did: shower, shaved, taco bell, jon's house, movies, jon's house, hong kong king buffet, and learned how to drive.....................the crazy person that allowed that was my beloved boyfriend jonathan...............yes he is crazy for letting me drive his brothers car and for driving on an actual road with actual cars and with actual street lights.................it was fun!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY for the best birthday ever!!!!!!! GO JONATHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you baby!!!!!!!!!

current mood: indescribable
current music: no doubt-- its my life

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Friday, December 19th, 2003
11:29 am - sluts are dirty
Omg so lets now update my life…horsham is over thank f*cking god but that was over like 2 weeks ago almost, but at least its over… it was OK if you like to not do anything and have recess and play Bullshit and make gimp things…it was actually kinda fun but I don’t miss it whatsoever…I am now actually on Lexapro and it makes me not eat as much which is a benefit since the pregnancy, which by now is done and over with. Me getting pregnant was not a mistake nor do I regret giving my love to Jon, but getting pregnant was a gift of life that I was ready to handle because I couldn’t financially and emotionally…now present day stuff…all things are good with the family except that dad isn’t talking to me all that much but that’s OK because maybe he’s not ready yet. That’s fine with me. And mom and me can talk on the phone for like hours now. Things are finally starting to look good…well except for Kathryn accusing me of spreading shit about her kissing marc pellegrino. So this morning she all decides to get in my face. Also last night she called Jon and tried to get my phone number from Jon but the GENIUS that he is, he didn’t give it to her. :: Go Baby!:: and Eric was saying “Cady Die!” and Jon was ready to like fucking kill him…it was the maddest that I have ever seen Jon and it scared me. But when Kathryn and Lauren left east, I waited a little bit just so I wouldn’t run into them. But they were like waiting for me on the cement stairs so I went a different way and I bitched out Steph for saying stuff and for forgetting my candle for Mrs. Niles. The bell had rang so I went downstairs to French and there was Kathryn and Lauren were talking shit to other people. Then she tries to confront me again and I just tried to avoid her and it was horrible because she kept calling me a slut and crazy and stuff. Honestly I’m not a slut in any way shape or form and I wouldn’t make up a lie. And she said that I did it because I was jealous of Marc or jealous of her because of Marc. HAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s the biggest bullshit accusation ever. Hey Kath, how many guys dicks did you suck? What can’t you remember? That’s because you are a SLUT!!!!!!!!! And I’m better than you are and I believe that you are quite the jealous one my friend because me and Jon have what you and no guy will ever have!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry Eric! Jonathan I just want to thank you for sticking up for me but I don’t want me to get between you and Eric. Sorry to you too sweet pea!!!!!!!!

current mood: aggravated
current music: bohemian rhapsody--queen

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Friday, November 14th, 2003
2:20 pm - .................its been a while.....................
wow so it has been a great long while since i have written anything...but life is boring so there is nothhing to write about..............NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! first life decided to hate me and make me get pregnant and after a very long time debating on how to handle the situaation, i decided that i wanted to get a non-surgical abortion...the thing is i wasnt that far along and i wasnt fully attached to anything that was growing inside of me so i felt that this was the best decision, i mean im young and i need to gradaute and go to college and make somehting of myself and then i would be stable enough to raise a kid... so first i had to go and get this injection that would stop the growth of the baby as long as i didnt eat anything that had folic acid in it...then on tuesday october 28 i had to take 4 pills that would chemically induce a miscarriage ( and i had to take 4 more on wednesday).....on halloween me and steph had a joint party at SJW gym...naked tuna was gonna play and sow ere the argyles so it was supposed to be fun....well things didnt get as well as planned....jon showed up late and my dad was up my ass all night so that was a drag and then the argyles barely played because we had to be outta there at like 11...jon was upset and threw his bass ( not good for a $600 bass, not good at all)... things were not too bad until my parents started to punish me for ridiculous reasons and for harsher punishments just because they didnt approve of me having an abortion...everyday i had to hear from my dad that i was a murderer and that i was an anarcist and that i should go to hell....it hurt alot because not matter how much i dont like him his words seem to hurt me pretty badly...i was starting to get depressed again i was crying every nite and i wasnt allowed to talk to jon at all which didnt make things any better.........then just one day outta the blue, me and mom get into a larger heated argument than usual about raking leaves and she got on top of me and just started to punch me in the leg and such.......well after that i just wanted to leave and call jon because he could calm me down and make me feel better that i had been but she wouldnt let me go....in the midst of crying hysterically and wanted to call jon i was having a panic attack to the point where i was throwing up and stuff...then for an hour as my mom tried to get ahold of amy kincade i was crying staring at the wall and just repeating "i just need to call him" (meaning jon).....well tony macaluso was over so i used his cell phone and told jon just to show up....whne he came over i sat in his car for about 2 hours and we talked about everything, and that fact that my mom was taking me to the crisis center to get a fulll evaluation to see if i needed to be checked into an inpatient facility for the depressed and just other mental illnesses....well whne i went the guy had asked if there was ever any abuse and i told him of the story that day when my mom left a 7 inch bruise on my leg...thursday (november 13) this lady named beth called my house sayng that someone made a phone call to child services concerned about the well being of the children living there...my mom immediately blamed it on me and that i lied and said that my parents abused me alot (which is not the case at all) well yesterday was also the day that i had to go to my follow up appt for the abortion and just as mrs niles got there so did beth and she agreed that it would be fast enough that mrs nilescould wait outside in the car....i even told this lady the truth too and i also told her that i didnt think that my mom should be arrested or have her kids taked away.....and then i left (i'll get back to that story in a little)...well now me and my mom arent allowed to be in the same area alone so i had to move out and i moved into my step dads house in bensalem by which my parents want me to transfer to that district and to that school but theres a loop hole...maybe i could get mrs niles to go along with it or maybe even mr dayton but back to the other story-- the one that takes place in voorhees new jersey------------------->>>>>>>>>i arrive at the clininc and start to fill out all the necessary paper work and go sit back with jon and mrs niles....then about 20 minutes later i get called back an di have to pay the $55 fee and i am taking to another room where they have to perform the ultrasound......just my luck the sack was still there...the baby was dead but everything was still there and what i didnt want to do (have the surgical abortion) i had to do...and they couldn't sedate me so i had to be fully awake and i had pretty moderate crapping for about an hour or so...it wasnt that bad....i was releaved..........now the pregnancy is officially over and i officially live in bensalem with my john and bonnie and i can go to the junior prom now........pocohontas is going down!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: relieved
current music: The Beatles "Help!"

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Monday, October 20th, 2003
9:20 am - Shhhhhh
yeha so i havent written in a while and i have a lot to say....so anyways to sum up everything right now....im having a baby and i odnt know wat to do....abortion is what me and jon are planning right now so blah i cant write now so i just update at a later time.....

current mood: nauseated
current music: journey...open arms

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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
6:18 pm - >>>stupid girl<
dont you just hate that feeling when you feel like your entire world is crashing down on you? and that no matter what you cant change how you feel? if you answered YES to these question, then you might know how i feel...my day started really good...me and alex made up and we are fine and i didnt mean to call her a dirty lying slut i was just upset...and then the rest of the day, marc was being a complete asshole and i didnt know why because we hadnt talked in a while...here the reason why he was mad and didnt give me a ride home was because i forgot tos ay happy birthday...now dont i feel like the biggest shit head at the moment because i even started making him a card too in B period but just kinda stopped because that bitch teacher yelled at me for "not being present" at the fire drill...anyways, she made me feel like crap........and then at eop jon gets mad at me because im rude for thinking outloud about why i think that shawn rosenblatt should die in a really really big fire!!!!!! and he gets all mad and gives me like the worst attitude ever and theres nothing in this world that makes me feel just so fucking stellar then when jons mad at me.....YAY! for cady for having a stellar day NOT!..........so the rest of my day was horrible because jon constantly ( well not really ) seemed like he hated me along with the worldand i dont know how to change his mood and it brings me down too... then i come home to marc driving up and yelling at me for being a bad friend...so now who wants to hang themselves???? I DO I DO! well then i call jon because he always makes me feel better and he always question why im friends with him because he treats me badly and all...and ive even told jon that i dont really want anything to do with him and guess what.....cady actually got the nerve to tell him that today...but then marc calls my bluff and says that if im serious then he will leave for good and to expect him to never be there for me again...i couldnt do it....deep down inside he means a lot to me...he was my first love...i couldnt let him go that easily, it was too hard believe it or not despite the way he can be the biggest asshole sometimes....but i love him like anyone else of my friends..... and now jon is gonna like hate me because i wont give up on my friendship with marc and sometimes i wish i could because im sick of thinking what if and i know that i shouldnt because me and jon are so happy and i dont wanna ever lose that.....and marc tries to put these ideas in my head all the time about how much of a pussy that jon is supposedly ...i block all of that out now! but i hate the fact that marc believes that me and jon are fake because-----purplehazed73: i tihnk you and jon are fake Bifteck74: whys that purplehazed73: because i never see you talk...in the year ive seen you two together ive never see youre eyes look like you truly love each other but when people are around you guys are all over each other purplehazed73: i think that and i will always think that----- sooo now i feel like shit now because people are like TRYING to point out flaws with me and jon but you know what i dont see any at all........i love him soooo freaking much that sometimes it hurts and its a shame too........maybe marcs jealous that me and him never had what me and jon have now.............i love jonathan david niles for always and forever!!!!!!!!

current mood: depressed
current music: simpsons theme music

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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
4:49 pm - "toga toga toga toga toga..."
so i havent written in a while so heres the update starting with friday...FRIDAY---> steph went to dads house around 5:00 pm and then my parents left around 6:00 for atlantic city, because they had a free comp room...jon came over around 7 i guess and we just hung out and watched tv and chilled until about 9:30 when our plan was to get him to sleep over my house some how...well since my parents werent home we had to figure out an in genius plan to get tori and gaby up to their rooms by say...10:00 and i did but lettin them make j-ello...that was awesome...and to my surprise joely fell asleep around 9:45 and by 10:30 i picked her up and put her in stephs bed...me and jon soon there followed (to my bedroom of course) what came next is pretty self explanatory until i fell asleep and then waking up to jon staring at me because he likes to watch me sleep...we both woke up around 2 in the morning and talked a little and then i closed windows because of rain...sleeping again until around 5 when we got up, talked and then did something that half the world doesnt do at this hour...then sleeping again to about 7:30 when we hear noises coming from upstairs...jon is by then all freaking out because there is a chance that we could get ruined...so i went out in the living room and convinced gaby to go back upstairs because i didnt "want joely to wake up" and so she did...thats when i made jon switch shirts and we went out in the living room to think of a plan to explain why he was at my house so early in the morning (by the way he told his parents that he slept over erics and that worked) so the plan we came up with and stuckwith and the plan that completely was fool-proof was that jon had to be out of erics house by 7:30 because eric had work at 8 so i invited jon over for breakfast so he wouldnt have to go home so early...the world believed it and it was great............and that was saturday morning, we ate french toast and he left by 9:30..............SATURDAY..............come saturday nite, the argyles had a show in bensalem for a battle of the bands and all...well me and jon became on edge when i smoked a cigarette and tried to hide it and eric told him so that ruined everything...and now eric matyas hates me because he thinks that im this bad influence on kathryn, but honestly what was she before i met her and before eric was her boyfriend? she smoked alot and drank alot and she was what people called a slut maybe but she never had sex...yeah just because kath smoked a cig with me im this terrible person now...even jon made me feel terrible too because he was like "i dont care if you wanna smoke and give yourself cancer" so i was like "way to make feel like the biggest dumbass"....the nite ended good but the argyles didnt win and i got dropped off at grandma helens and jon got to meet them and all...its about time ya know?................SUNDAY.............sunday was just like any other day because not much happened except that i got to spend $100 and got free ice cream too...............MONDAY, TUESDAY ( i went home with jon and we had A LOT of fun if you know what i mean and i got to tease him while wearing his boxers in his nana's room...it was fun you should've been there--NOT!!!!!), and WEDNESDAY............nothin happened really on these days except me britt bigley, jamie koslosky, and alison lind came up with our classes sports nite theme--which is animal house and we get to where togas and the songs that we dance to are SHOUT!, ALL NITE LONG (ac/dc), and ITS TRICKY (run dmc). the dance might suck balls but ya know at least our theme rocks with no socks....today in class we were just messing around with the costume ideas and stuff and before we were gonna strip but not anymore we are just wearing togas and I GOT TO BE THE MODEL IN GYM TODAY! it was so fun because people actually said that i was a good model and i still got to help out a lot. awesome stuff, very awesome stuff.......................................................on a general note...............me and marc are gettin along amazingly well--we are like really good friends again and its cool because we are on the same level of respect...its not unrequited ya know...i dont know how jon really feels about all of this because he doesnt like tell me but he honestly has nothing to worry about because even marc says "if i didnt threaten your relationship after 2 months then theres nothing i can do now" i dont know its something like that...so no one better quote me...jon shouldnt worry and he should believe me when i say that...marcs not gonna do anything except be upset that jon doesnt even "have the decency" to say hi to him in the hallway anymores...marc actually lets that bother him but hes not gonna say anything to jon about that i dont know if will either because then it would only be him being fake just to be polite...well whatever thats their battle for once and i dont want to get in to the middle of a dude fight......well anyways i think im done for now.............except shawn rosenblatt is the biggest piece of shit alive, because im not racist!!!!!! I LOVE PEOPLE AND RACES OF ALL KINDS SO FUCK YOU SHAWN!!!!!!!!!!.................well im gonna go now because i have nothing further to say! later dayz!

current mood: happy
current music: "me and my star, matthew good nite..." COHEED AND CAMBRIA

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Thursday, September 11th, 2003
4:33 pm - are you a sex goddess?
Are You A Sex Goddess?


A brilliant bolt of lightning descends! SHAZAAM! The oracle has spoken!

The smoke clears to reveal that inside you is a divine being,

the Goddess ATHENA.

You're a powerful woman who knows what she wants and just how to get it. Of all the deities, you come closest to the modern woman. Strong and sensual, you're someone who doesn't shy away from a challenge. In fact, it's precisely the challenge that excites you. You have no tolerance for traditional gender roles, so seduction is your specialty. You probably have no problem being the aggressor, nor do you mind being in control of a relationship. In bed, you might even take the lead and make sure that nothing's over until you are thoroughly satisfied. Your self-confidence and security have allowed you to use your sexuality exactly the way that pleases you. Your lovers undoubtedly sense your inner divinity and worship your ways. You demand and receive respect from whomever you decide to bed. And like a light from the heavens, your partner discovers your true inner nature. Behold, the skies proclaim, here lies a goddess!

current mood: nerdy
current music: j'aime bien bifteck

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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
3:13 pm - "...AND ALL HE WANTED WAS TO HOLD HER..."
so here i am at 314 on a crappy afternoon wishing i had friends...jon is in philly and i hate it because hes gonna be there all day and for dinner and all... and i wanna see if kathryn wants to hang out because shawn rosen-fag-ass is at erics house...now i just found out that jon might not be able to go to brand new anymore and im terribly sad...stephs friend alex is over and hes from russia and hes like yelling at his mom in russian and it sounds so cool...and now hes showing off his BMX gloves that he spent $40 on...damn why dont i have any fucking friends right now...what the hell i have all of these feelings inside and i tried to talk to jon about them and he told me to shut up...i mean like he wants me to go to him about things and when i feel really crappy but he always tells me to shut up and hes not saying that to be mean and all, hes just saying that because he doesnt like to hear me get down about myself and i know that i dont wanna get down on myself either but i cant help it and i just wanna like fucking kill myself or something...even last night when i went to jons house...im at the end of my period so therefore there is no sex or even any fair fore-play... and he still wanted to take my pants off and i wouldnt let him and he gets all upset and sits at the other end of the bed and watches TV. so i start to feel like a bad girlfriend because i wont let my boyfriend take my pants off and i have my period....i mean like DAMN! i dont have to even if i didnt have my period...so then i asked him why he wasnt laying with me and he actually asked if i wanted him to lay with me...besides the fact that i was a little upset with him because i didnt even feel loved just because i had my period...i mean i cant help that, thats mother natures fault...and then like five minutes later (not even) we were laying next to each other and he was already like undoing my bra and all...but of course i was trying to be a good girlfriend and just let him do what he wanted...i tried writing him an email and all and all he had to say in response was something about him going to philly and all......im like so mad right now, and not necessarily at him but i cant help but to feel so used and my feelings are torn about how to approach it and i tried an email and all because i hate confrontation and i thought that maybe that i could get him to at least acknowledge the fact that i feel terribly used and i just dont know what to do right now...i wish that i could talk to him about it...mostly in person but even if i could talk to him on the phone but i dont like that idea only because it doesnt seem sincere enough and because i dont get any privacy at all...i just hate the fact that it seems like our relationship seems to revolve around sex...i wish that it didnt come to this point...i wish i could in all honestly believe 100% that jon could love me just the same even if we werent having sex...even when i give him **** and i dont finish for various reasons, he gets an attitude with me...im trying not to get upset about this but how can i not...i love this kid to death and i dont care if we even have sex or not because sure its fun and a million of other adjectives could describe it but thats not whats important right?? the other day i brought up the fact that maybe i dont wanna have sex anymore until we got married only because i felt that way...also we (me jon eric and kathryn) had this big conversation about who could last 40 days without any sex and sexual relations all together, because we had just saw 40 days and 40 nites...besides the fact that eric says he can do it (which he cant) jon said that he could do it too...i dont know if jon could do it...i love him and i dont doubt that i mean a lot to him but his actions and attitudes speak a hell of alot louder than words...dammit i wish that i wasnt writing all of this into my online journal but maybe someone who reads this might pay a little more attention to what i am saying than my own boyfriend does...i wish i knew...i wish i had all the answers...i wish that i could talk to him right now but i cant because hes down in philly and i feel like crap and just need my baby more than anything...i just need someone to talk to and if i talk to him in person maybe hell listen to me...i just need him to be home...i really do, because i love him so much that i wanna solve any problems that we have because in the long run i dont want something stupid to ruin this relationhip (im not saying that this situation is stupid but ya know)....baby if you read this before i talk to you...DAMMIT YOU BETTER CALL ME!!!

current mood: frustrated
current music: ...gloria...**BRAND NEW..i know i know the same as yesterday

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Sunday, August 31st, 2003
10:49 am - "Because beautiful is what they're selling"
words of mother teresa (i dont know why i picked her but...) "Feeling lonely and unwanted is the most terrible poverty" and im like "Damn! How true is that?" because right now im feeling kinda lonely and its not the kind of lonely where you sit alone in your room wishing you could be somewhere else...ok well i am guilty of that too...but its the lonely where there are actually people everywhere and you feel completely empty...so empty that you think that all of those other people must be figments of your imagination and you have some song stuck in your head thats completely irrelevent to how you are feeling....then you start to feel sorry for yourself ...why do i feel sorry for myself?! hmmm i dont know, maybe because im like pathetic and all but who the hell cares?! not the people you want most to care because they are having too much fun. well guess what...it looks like i forgot to send out the invitations for my pity party...but like i said...no one cares so why dont i just fucking give up...by a show of hands from everyone at my party, who would like to see my hanging from the ceiling or hemmoraging to death in the bathroom or even passed out on my bed with an empty pill bottle still grasped in my hand...oh heck why not? ::cady raises her hand:: so now all i have left to do is go to sleep at 11 or so at night hoping not to wake up, while sulking with my $25 Curious George doll and just accept the fact that everyone in this world will not like me and that i just have to get over it...im not perfect...in fact i am far from but some people dont believe me which is ok because if my actions dont prove the perfect theory wrong then i dont know what will...."barely conscience in the door where you stand"....this is fraction of how i feel and a fraction of what it feels like to not be a person...to not feel whole...to feel like you dont have a structure...to feel like you dont have a friend in the world...to feel so unloved and so unwanted...to want to end your poor pathetic and sorry excuse for a life...to wanna not wake up in the morning...to not care about anything else because you are trying to get the imaginary people out of your head ( you know that ones that are really real )...to feel like you were put on this earth to only suffer...to wish that for one day that the rest of world could feel the pain that they have caused you...to wish that such stubborn people see the errors of their ways and to fix them before something terrible happens...to wish that certain assholes would perish off the face of the earth......................not everyone understands what its like to feel all of those things...some people may feel some but not the others...but to feel all of that and so much more is a problem...its an issue that some people choose to ignore like its normal or something...hmm could i be talking about my parents?! just maybe....they arent, believe it or not, the cause for everything i feel....i dont know if its even one person in general but i guess the world may never know..........................

current mood: crushed
current music: sic transit gloria--glory fades......brand new

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Saturday, August 30th, 2003
6:36 pm - HMMMMMM.....legolas!!!!
so i finally saw lord of the rings: two towers!! well actually i shouldve seen the first one first.....anyways it was really good and now jon doesnt have an excuse to break up with me in the middle of his kitchen anymore!!!!!!!!!!!! except maybe because i dont drink coffee but still hes retarded if hed really break up with me because of that...which i know that he wouldnt so what does it matter anways.......exactly.............................so tomorrow i get to go school shopping with $100 and im gonna have fun and buy me some pants because thats what i need most of anyways............BRAND NEW IS IN LESS THAN A WEEK!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! you better believe im crazy excited and all..........well im gonna go ebcause its hot in this room and im at my grand-mas listening to rx bandits!!!!!!!

current mood: hot
current music: "...did you get what you wanted?..."--rx bandits

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Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
4:52 pm - dirty deeds done dirt cheap
hey hey----> so heres the story you all...this morning i took my actual second driving lesson and it wasnt too bad except for my mom yelling "youre making me nervous!!!!!!" but i didnt hit anything so thats always a plus right?!?!?!?!!? she wouldnt let me drive to work she just wants me to get the feel of turning and stuff and she even made me back out of a parking space....whoa go me!!!!!!!!!! then i went directly to work to only find out that harry and ramilla werent working so my day was peaceful and long...ooh ooh and we had a thunder storm and our electricity went out and i screamed "ALRIGHT!!!!" with my arms in the air...I LOVE THUNDERSTORMS!!!!!!!!! so then after work i had an hour to kill so i decided to go shopping and spend $38 on a black sheer shirt and a blue t-shirt with a penguin on it with ice cream and it reads "chilly willy" and i got stuffy underwear with matching cami...its so cute and if jon reads this before i show him i will be very very upset.....any ways im gonna go because kathryn needs someone to talk to and i need to hang out with jonathan............later gater!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: giggly
current music: AC/DC

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8:58 am - first day of drving
ok so my mom wants me to drive to work today and i dont know if im up to it because im all nervous and stuff...ive only ever tried driving one time and it wasnt too bad and everyone says that driving is not hard but still im this big wimp who's afraid to try anything thats too hard...oh man i cant stop thinking that im gonna crash and all and jon says that if i think im gonna crash than im gonna crash...i dont wanna crash...ahh i hate driving already...but i need to learn because im gonna be 18 in 4 months and i cant always rely on jon for rides--and why not, hes a good driver and im gonna prove that he should be the man in this relationship and for me to take advantage of him driving...yeah so i dont know what i meant by anything i just wrote except the fact that i wasnt put on this earth to drive...........why do i have to be a wimp about it tho??? theres a bunch of crazy crack heads out there that can drive so why cant i?? i guess that knowing that even mike atkinson can drive and charlie byle can too then im motivated because im smarter than both of those fags put together...any ways i have to go get ready to make an idiot of myself and ill update my driving experiences later in the day after work and my denist appointment.......and duckie if you read this i wasnt really disappointed last night when you didnt come on...i just wouldve liked to talk to you again but at least i go to talk to you before you left to do your mom's classroom....ill call you around 2-ish.....

current mood: scared
current music: in upendee, where the passion fruit grows sweet--lion king 2

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Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
9:23 pm - i got scars on my eyes
so today has turned out to be an amazing day and i very much enjoyed it and i did take advantage of every opportunity that came knocking...first this morning my mom woke me up at 7am and we decided that i would go and get my permit---and needless to say i got it so me and jon decided to celebrate by going to the movies...i honestly dont recommend MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER...it wasnt as bad as OLD SCHOOL but it wasnt that great--it was really weird like everything that happened i didnt think that that was what it was about...does that even make sense?? anyways and then after that we went back to jons house and thats when the inevitable happened---JON BROKE UP WITH ME just because i dont drink coffee and havent seen the any of the LORD OF THE RINGS movies--we didnt really break up of course and he felt really bad when he kissed me and i was like "so what we are friends with benefits now?!" ---- either way me and jon had an amazing night that ended in me being light headed and i think im just gonna stop now while im ahead and all, haha----so we are supposed to see MARS tonight but its cloudy as hell and im quite disappointed since im like a science geek... ok so i have nothing else to write about except i went shopping today and got new skort and argyle sox with little scotties on them and i was trying to make mrs niles jealous and i also got a new picture frame...well im gonna go because its 940 and jon didnt even get on yet so JONATHAN NILES IF YOU READ THIS IM KINDA DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and babe just to let you know my parents said that you shouldve stayed at my house for a little......anyways im really gonna go this time so... BYE!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: excited
current music: rx bandits

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Monday, August 25th, 2003
10:49 pm - celebrate good times come on!!!
ok so its monday and i had work until 2 and i have off tomorrow....it was alright considering i only worked 3 hours and the jobs not bad...seriously i make sandwiches all day........yesterday after walking to church and meeting alex's boyfriend pete, i tried to get a hold of jon but he was out with eric...haha go figure...then we (me and jon) were supposed to have dinner plans but nope so i was left dinnerless until 930 when we ordered subway and ate it in my driveway... but we had a movie nite at jons house and it was stellar.... we watched 40 days and 40 nites and then we started to watch the outsiders....so thats when we got hungry and called up subway and picked up our food and had a picnic in my driveway...fun fun lemme tell you!!!!!!--------------ok so i came to the conclusion that writing everything that i feel in my online journal isnt the best idea in the whole world...because sometimes people read it and might not like what i write. but honestly i cant help the way i feel..im not like one of those people who cant keep their feelings hidden and inside. i just need to get stuff off of my chest....so i usually tend to ramble on (led zeppelin). sometimes the blunt truth hurts i know but im sorry for any of those people that ive hurt with my words... this is mostly directed toward jon and with honest sincerity i apologize to him. hes the only person in this world that i completely and truly care for when ive hurt him...everyone else are just people-- people are temporary but jonathan is forever. hes not only the most perfect boyfriend God has ever created but hes is my best friend and i am his. we tell each other everything and we have complete trust in one another. its a trust that no one in the world is worthy of. we complete each other with a friendship based on dignity, loyalty, honestly, faith (not religious related) and most importantly--unconditional love... hes my little peice of heaven and my sole purpose of living. hes the sun in the sky that tears through the cloudyness...hes the stars in the skies and in my eyes. duckie if you read this, you are my universe and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how happy you make me...just promise me that youll never give up on life and on us...i love you with my whole heart, soul, and everything that i possess whether it be real or imaginary for always and forever! SMILE!!!!!!!!...........this turned out to be a very bad emo song so...im gay!!!!!!

current mood: cheerful
current music: stairway to heaven--led zeppelin

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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
2:41 pm - riff raff
so its 242 in the afternoon and im not even showered or anything and i feel really gross but honestly what does it matter because jon doesnt seem like he wants to do anything today...he didnt even call me before he even got online so im just ok so i come second to the rest of the world and i know that that sounds really selfish but then i guess im just a self centered person that doesnt care about anyone but herself and whether or not im geting my way... so eric and kathryn wanna hang out today and i dont really mind but i guess that its all up to jon because hes the only one with a car and all...i feel like i take advantage of him and the fact that he has a car but he seriously says that he doesnt mind at all but i do...and i know that eric doesnt because hell call him up and be like drive me here drive me there and i dunno thats kinda rude i guess but whatever it doesnt matter what i think because its not me whose doing all the driving and such...today in the mail we got part of our schedules that tell us what out A periods are and i have A period over at West when all my friends are over at east except for kathryn and mayeb i can convince her to swtich her A period to my french class because shes also taking french but i dont know if she has kiryluk too...i dont know what im gonna do i just wanna say fuck it but i cant and it drives me crazy...now im gonna seem like the little desperate obsessive girlfriend whose over at East in the morning and then walking over to west for class and i hate how i always go outta my way all the fucking time and i dunno...i know that its a choice that i make but still...i came in 2 hours early for exams and he didnt and i guess that it kinda made me mad but i have to stop expecting the world when i know that i wont get what i want... and then i feel bad for having all of these high expectations but i dont realize that what i expect is what i would do and i have to understand that hes not me and we think so differently... maybe we even want different things...all i know is that i dont wanna lose him and that i would do anything but maybe he doesnt wanna lose me either but how far is he willing to go?? he wont even come to school early to sit around for a lousy 2 hours for me then would he fight against someone for me...i doubt it...not to be mean to him but i seriously doubt it...ahhhh why do i feel this way...i have no idea but im like gettin myself mad at him right now and i keep like snapping at him and i feel bad for the way i feel but i cant help it and i hate complaining....kinda like right now im just gonna stop while im ahead and before i say something that i cant take back..........

current mood: frustrated
current music: its like a gun in a bad neighborhood--the argyles

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Thursday, August 21st, 2003
5:11 pm - "does anybody understand, what its like to be a man?" "NO!!!!" "well neither do i"
hmmmmm so its around dinner time and im not hungry at all...i wanna hang out with jon tonite which is most likely gonna be us watching movies like usual...i wanna see 40 days and 40 nites because steph said that it was really good...so maybe well get that...the argyles demo is finally done and i burned it today off of jon and its amazing...i think that i might actually be obsessed...its a 4 song demo and ive been listening to it for like a good 5 hours straight...its crazy stuff man........well i dont actaully have much to say because im gay like that except I GOT TICKETS TO BRAND NEW FOR SEPTEMBER 3 AT THE ELECTRIC FACTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: ecstatic
current music: superficial--the argyles

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Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
12:26 pm - i hate feeling this way
so yesterday after my adventure to planned parenthood and getting the ECP...i took the first dose around 5:30 and then 12 hours afterwards you are supposed to take the second dose...at about 4 this morning i woke up throwing up just about an hour before taking the second dose...i was scared so i decided to not take the second dose...i ending up waking up again and getting sick...like WTF i didnt know if it was from taking ECP or maybe something else, maybe food poisoning or something...so i called in sick from work and now im actually feeling so much better than i was...maybe it was because i talked to jonathan but i dont know whats even going on with him right now because he just tells me that he had to go and didnt give me any explaination...so now im kinda worried about him...i dont know what is going on and i wish that i knew because if something was wrong he should tell me...grrrrr.....

current mood: sick
current music: "its all right because im saved by the bell..."

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