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2 Have bled + Slit your wrist

[11 Oct 2004|12:47am]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | Evanescence is playing in my room.. ]

Yarg, I'm trying so hard to quit. It's really tempting to look at my scars, or read what other people have to say about cutting, but I do it anyway. Just because that's where I feel home. I'm glad I have some kind of backbone, even though it's not a very good one. I just wish I could cut..and cut all I want. But that'll never happen. Oh well. I guess that gives me another reason not to cut, right? Right. I'm making no sense.

Oh yeah. I've been spending a buttload of time with Daron, Tiffany, LeeLee, and Kathryn. Sometimes Kelsey. It's really cool. I like just going out and making a fool of myself. Brings me back to old times - yay! I like old times, when everything was innocent and beautiful. I wish I could just go back and stay there for the rest of my life. I'd be in near Heaven. But anyway. This post is really stupid, so I'll end it now.

Slit your wrist

One of those days.. [05 Oct 2004|10:21pm]
It's so hard.....

Dear Me,
Snap out of it! You're being ignorant again. Think of all the people it'll hurt. Think of all the lives you'll affect. Think of..the life you'd never have.
Eh, who am I kidding? You have no one, you wouldn't affect anyone, and who cares about your future life, anyway? You'll never get there. Just stop trying to think that you will. It was a one-week thing. You tried, you didn't succeed, now you're dead.
Make a list of people who care about you. Do it now. See how many you come up with.
People who care:
1. God
2. Kat
3. Travis
4. Um...
5. Family? I guess.
That's all.
LeeLee and Tiff and Daron are nice, but do they care about me? Who knows. Guess that answers all my questions.

So, Allison, you really are stupid, and not many people care about you. What are you living for? Anything? I didn't think so. Bye, Allison. Have a nice afterlife.
Love Always,
Me

Slit your wrist

[04 Oct 2004|11:21pm]
I quit cutting. I quit self injury. And I am so very proud of myself, I've never been more confident in my life.

Slit your wrist

More Letters. (It seems as if I can write better when I write like this.) [28 Sep 2004|09:27pm]
Dearest Me,
I don't know what to do with you anymore. You are a total wreck. I don't even know why people spend time with you. It sure does waste their time, don't you think? Nevermind. It doesn't matter what you think. I've come to the conclusion that you need to be alone. Some people treat you like you are not there - why not take advantage of that? Why don't you just slip into a world of your own, and be the dark depressed girl you used to be? I think that's best for you. That way, you can't bother anyone else, and no one will talk to you. It'll make everyone happy. Well, everyone besides you, of course, but who cares? You don't need to be happy. You don't need love. You are just a dumb girl waiting to see if anyone will ever notice you. Well, guess what? Someone did. And now they're dying because of you. You know why? Because you are stupid and selfish. More emphasis on selfish, though. You need to start caring about other people more than yourself, or else you will end up being worse off than you are right now. Watch it, Allison, because they're coming for you...
Love Always,
Me


Dear You,
I'm sorry. I know I'm stupid and selfish, but I just can't help it. I wish I could lock myself in a room and remain alone for the rest of my life. I know it would make things better for everyone. Maybe even me. But it just isn't realistic. People around me think they know me, but they only see what I show them, and even that isn't much. Don't you care about me at all, You? I thought you were part of me. I guess you're turning on me, just like everyone else did. That's okay, though. It gives me a better reason to be more depressed, and we all know what happens when I get depressed....
Thanks for the dump talk. I really needed that. We wouldn't want me to be too happy, right? Right. We'll talk later, my dear.
Yours Truly,
You

Slit your wrist

Letter [22 Sep 2004|04:17pm]
Dearest Me,
I fear that something terrible is coming your way. What is going on with you? You act like school work means nothing to you. Why? You have betrayed all your old friends for new ones. Tell me why? They have never done anything wrong, and yet you punish them with the lack of your presence. What is wrong with you? Why are you acting so stupid? You better change fast, because something worse than life itself is coming your way, and if you are not strong enough to handle it, who is to say what will happen?
You are able to find something that can save your life, and yet you continue to turn your cheek from it and run away. You, Allison, are so stupid. You have potential, but you waste it on senseless things like your so-called social life and the likings of food. Stop it. Use your time on something more productive, like school and music. Just try. You have to. Good luck, Allison. You're going to need it. I'll be in touch.
Love Always,
Me

Slit your wrist

[21 Sep 2004|10:52pm]
Goodness, time flies by when you're busy, eh?

Music has literally been taking up all my time. If I'm doing anything productive, it's playing. And I like it.

I've been hanging out with friends every weekend now. It's really great. We have a good time together. We, normally meaning LeeLee, Tiffany, Daron (Yes, this is how you REALLY spell it), Kathryn, and I. Sometimes Kelsey. We usually go to the mall or some other strange place like Eckerds or Bruster's. ^_^ It's fun. Daron already asked what we're doing this weekend..haha. He's getting a head start, now.

Needless to say, school sucks. I'm still failing two classes. I'm honestly trying at school, though. It's when I get home that starts the problem. I'm distracted with other things way too easily. If I have a phone call (which I barely do), I can't say "No, I have to do my homework." I just take it. If I'm hungry, I don't say to myself "Just wait until you're done with your homework." I go right ahead and do anything that keeps me away from schoolwork. Like now. I've got trig to do...but I don't feel like it. =/ I need help.

I've been cutting again. Kinda slowed down on overdosing, but still doing it every once in a while. I cut eight times on the top of my left wrist two nights ago. Then carved "ALONE" on my left forearm. My mom noticed the band-aid on my arm. Asked if I was cutting again. I said "Maybe" and she asked why. I said what I always say..."I don't know." And that was the end of that. Luckily, it was dark so she couldn't see the outline of the letters through the band-aid.

That's all the updates for now. Guess I don't lead a very exciting life, huh? Oh well.

Slit your wrist

Sir Frances [08 Sep 2004|02:40pm]
Well, hurricanes stink. I had to stay out of school two days in a row because of Hurricane Frances. That's not really a bad thing, perse, but I was a little bored. I did get two pairs of shoes, though. ^_^
Kat is acting a little weird lately. She asks me to spend the night three nights in a row, but every time I get ready, something happens and I can't spend the night anymore. I don't know what's going on...
I have my second clarinet lesson today. I'm kinda nervous, because now I know what it's going to be like, and it's a little over my head. I think it'll be good for me, though, I just hope Claire (my student-instructor) doesn't think I'm stupid or something. Meh....
Tiffany has been online all day, but hasn't talked to me. She's mad at me. Oh well. We weren't the best of friends, anyway, and I yelled at her a couple days ago. Guess I can't blame her. =/
I'm bored and hot. This Georgia weather really stinks.

Slit your wrist

Derron (or something like that) [04 Sep 2004|12:23am]
Derron is the guy that has epilepsy. He means a lot to me. I just met him maybe two weeks ago. He's so sweet, and cares about people with all his heart. Too bad he has epilepsy.
Today was a pretty bad day for him. First, he fell asleep in one of his classes. Then, he spilled chocolate milk on him at lunch. Afterwards, during 6th period (I'm not in his class, but he later told me after school), he had a reaction to some paint fumes from the gym, and his hands went numb. The numbness then went all the way up to his head, so that his whole upper body lacked all feeling. I know how this feels..it's happened to me before. It stinks. I felt so sorry for him. It was this big ordeal...his teacher called his mother, she came and picked him up, and now I guess they're at home. I hope he'll be okay....he has to be okay....
We're supposed to go to the movies with a couple friends tomorrow. He's supposed to come, too, but if he's not feeling better I guess he won't. Kinda makes me sad, but this isn't about me, is it?
I should go.

2 Have bled + Slit your wrist

Oops. [31 Aug 2004|08:41pm]
Sorry I haven't written in here lately. I've been pretty busy with school and all. Music is really becoming a big thing with me. That's a good thing, though.
I cut today. Kinda deep, kinda long, but I didn't die. See? *sits* I'm still here.
Found someone else with epilepsy. It's kinda nice knowing one of my friends has it, too. I don't feel so different anymore. I've felt like I'm going to have a seizure for a while now, I'm just waiting for it to happen...I know it'll come sooner or later. Oh well.

Slit your wrist

When did this happen? [25 Aug 2004|05:44pm]
Since when was I the worst person to hang around with? How come so many people think I'm dirt?...Trash?...Nothing? I used to be something to someone.....what happened? And when? Someone please tell me when I became the lowest scum on Earth...

Slit your wrist

=/ [24 Aug 2004|09:54pm]
I think I upset Travis a little bit. Something happened and I didn't talk to him for like twenty minutes. I don't know what happened, though...

I DID write him a letter, though. ^_^ Heh...it's pretty. I'm almost excited for him to get it, isn't that funny?

School is going pretty slow. I'm not paying attention in any of my classes except for band and British literature. And that's really bad, because I suck at trig...Oh well. I've just been dazing into space or writing or reading. I am such a bad student! I hope it doesn't show up on my report cards, though...

I'm so bored. So is my mother. I asked her if we could go do something, but it's 10 PM and she said my dad probably wouldn't let us. Since when did he rule our lives?! Oh yeah...since I was born...

*sigh* I guess I'll go.

PS I've made a couple new friends at school. They're really nifty. More about them later..

Slit your wrist

Hehe [23 Aug 2004|10:12pm]
People are just darn funny. This world is a crazy mess, and I feel so stupid in the middle of it. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere...I wanna run away from Earth and find a planet of my own where I belong. Besides, the people in my head are telling me to go somewhere...I just have to figure out where.

PS I got three new books today, and some perfume that smells like Hot Topic...that makes me happy!! ^_^

Slit your wrist

How? [21 Aug 2004|09:33pm]
My whole life I have to deal with my scars..I have to deal with the words on my legs, the words on my wrists and arms, the slashes across my arms and stomach...my whole entire life. Everyone will ask at one point or another. Everyone is curious, everyone is nosey, so they ask. They either ask, or stare. Staring is worse than asking, though, because I can't tell them to stop. If I ask them to stop, they'll ask why, and I can't tell them..I just can't.

So why do I cut? Because I want to. I have to. I need to. I can't, and don't want to stop. I am willing to get weird looks and akward questions, because this is what I do, and I can't help it. I won't help it. Because this is me, and I'm not changing.

I'm sorry.

1 Have bled + Slit your wrist

Song.. [18 Aug 2004|04:21pm]
Juxtaposed to You

Tearing
My heart
To pieces
Wanting
My love
To be free

Dancing
My nightmares
Away
Saving
My hope given
To me

I'm twisted
I'm tormented
Destructed
By you
I'm lost in a
World that is
Terrified
Of me

Use me
Abuse me
Save me
Or kill me
(KILL ME!)
I'm juxtaposed by anything loved...

Slitting
My skin
In opposition
Pouring
My blood
For lust

You wait
Beside me and
Let me win
The pain
It soothes me
Deeper within

I'm twisted
I'm tormented
Destructed
By you
I'm lost in a
World that is
Terrified of me

Use me
Abuse me
Save me
Or kill me
(KILL ME!)
I'm juxtaposed by anything loved...

Juxtaposed
To anything
That could love me
Unwanted
Unmentioned
Unsavored
By you

Slit your wrist

Peace [17 Aug 2004|08:53pm]
This whole life I'm living...it's a joke. I thought I could be happy again. WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY AGAIN? Just the moment I find peace, something comes along and screws it all up for me. Again. In less than a week. Why? WHY? I don't even know what happened, I just know that SOMETHING happened, and I can never get over this...never.

I need a fucking psychologist again. Unfortunately, we have no money to "waste" on things of that matter. Oh well. What can I expect? A healing? Yeah. Right.

Screw the world. Screw everyone.

1 Have bled + Slit your wrist

Stupid Stupid Stupid [17 Aug 2004|06:52am]
You know how I said I was going down on my cutting? Yeah right. I did..for about a week. Yesterday I cut. I don't know why, I just felt like I needed to. I did it once at school, in between lunch and class. I thought that would get me through the day, but when I went to bed I cut a couple more times (all on my wrist). One is a little deep...but okay.

I feel like such a hypocrite.

I'm sorry, God. I don't know what else to do...

Slit your wrist

AP Sucks! [15 Aug 2004|08:40pm]
So I can't change out of AP US history. The "counselor" said since I signed up for it last year, I can't get out of it. I told her my situation, stating that I didn't do my summer homework and I haven't taken the two quizzes that go along with it, therefore I'm already failing..but she doesn't care. She said I'll be able to make it up somehow. Adults these days! Ugh.

Anyway, I haven't cut since Wednesday. And before that, it was probably a week. I'm definitely going down on my cutting. That's a good thing, I guess...

I think one of my main reasons for going down on my SI habits is I was rededicated to God Wednesday night. It's a good feeling...I've been happy all week.

Meh..I don't feel like talking anymore. Have a good night, guys!

Slit your wrist

School, honors, and stress. [08 Aug 2004|01:00pm]
School sucks. I've been in honors classes all my life. I'm not bragging. Sometimes I wish I weren't in them, because I'm a huge slacker and procrastinator. I passed honors lit last year with a C. I passed geometry last year with a D. I suck. This year I was signed up to be in AP history, but I've got to change that NOW, because I know if I don't, I will definitely fail. No doubt about it. I've got to get it changed, for mine and my parents' sakes. My dad has a huge stand on education; if I fail, he dies. So, yeah...gotta change that.

It's funny how I have so many people on my buddy list, but I don't even talk to half of them. It drives me insane when I have about fifteen people online at once, and I'm only talking to three. I don't know, it just irks me. But anyway, on to more important things.

I talked to my mom Thursday night, 8/5/04 (that was for my memory only). I talked to her about Travis and what he means to me and how he's the only one that understands me and what I do. I also talked to her about her and my dad. I asked her when they were getting a divorce, even though she didn't say they were..I knew they were thinking about it before. Actually, little did I know, she had rented an apartment a couple years ago and my mom and I were going to move into it together, but she never told me. So she spent $500 a month for a year for that apartment, and only visited four times. Why would she do that? Meh, whatever. It's her money, right? Even though if she hadn't done that, we may have money to actually do stuff now, but what can we do. We're poor.

My mom said I gave her a lot to think about, which I did. I only hope she thinks about the divorce thing. I mean, this may sound bad, but I WANT them to get a divorce. That way I don't have to put up with the lack of conversation between her and my dad, and if she goes off and screws guys I won't have to care, because she's not married anymore. I just want to have a normal household, if there is such a thing. I don't want to think about the next guy my mom is going to fuck; I don't want to think about the next time my parents are going to fight; I don't want to think about anything but what I SHOULD be thinking about, such as school and friends. But that must be too much to ask for.

I'm just so sick and tired of this shit.

And on top of LIFE, I'm starting to think about death and what kind of religion I should have...I'm confused on the whole "God" thing right now...I believe in Him, but I don't know if I want to follow Him right now. I just have to think about it. But unfortunately, every time I think, bad things happen. Oh well. Take what you get, right?

Slit your wrist

[07 Aug 2004|11:21pm]
School started yesterday. It was okay...I don't like any of my classes except British Lit and French II, though. Oh well. What can I do? I have to change my schedule from AP US history to regular US history, because I know already that I'm not going to do all the work. How freakin' pathetic am I? Meh..

I wish I wrote in here more, but when I write, I'm unmotivated, and I have nothing to talk about..like now..

Slit your wrist

Meh. [24 Jul 2004|12:19am]
Are you a boy/girl?: Girl.

Age: 16 3/4

Age you began to cut: 15

Does anyone know you cut? Yes. One friend at home, and a few people online.

Do your parent(s)/ guardian(s)? Yeah. Unfortunately.

Do you ever burn or bruise yourself? I have, but not often.

Do you think that you are depressed? Diagnosed as Major Depressive Disorder.

Do you think you have anxiety problems? Yes.

Do you have any other disorders? Yes.

Do you have an eating disorder? Yeah.

Are you on meds? Yeah. Trileptal. Prozac is evil...

Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide attempt? No.

Have you tried to commit suicide? Six times.

How? Pills and cutting.

Does anyone know that you tried? No.

Do you do drugs? No.

Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing? Good. It helps me.

Do you wish you could stop? No. I've been ashamed of it once, but I like it.

What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting?
Leading Up To: Any intense feelings, whether they're happy or sad. And some times just because I'm bored.
During: Anger and frustration.
After: Calm and a little dazed.

When you cut does it hurt? No, not at all. It did when I first started, but now it feels good.

Do you bandage your cuts? Every once in a while.

Where do you most normally cut? I started cutting on my ankles, then I cut my legs and stomach. For a long time it's been only my wrists. Now it's generally everywhere you think of..

Are you alone? Physically? No. Mentally? Very alone.

Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you? Razors. Yes.

What have you used to injure yourself? Razors, knives, lighters, fingernails, fists, safety pins, sharp plastic, erasers, pills...

How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story? I like my scars. Every one tells a story of how I felt at that moment.

Have people ever asked about your cuts/scars? *sigh* Yeah.

Do you ever design a cut (make it decorative or in a certain shape)? All the time.

Have you ever cut too deep? I don't know what "too deep" is, but I've never had to have stitches..

Do you go to therapy? Yes, I do.

Do you have trust issues? Definitely.

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