Delesia's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-06-24 20:22
Subject:FUck LIfe
Security:Public

Well here it is now, things haven't gotten any fucking better, all i wanna do is smoke pot and i told myself that I would never get like this. I have a fucking bursary to accept so now I"m going to Nova Scotia to try and make my life just a little bit better but the only fucking problem is that life is so fucked up now that I don't even feel like going to Nova Scotia. Everybody keeps asking me, OH YOU MUST BE SO EXCITED! YEah so fucking excited to learn, i fucking wish, I just wish i felt normal, i don't know why the hell i gotta get like this sometimes. it doesn't seem that serious but sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't how the fuck am i supposed to know? Well here's my fucking bitter side. So whatever. I'm stuck in this world and it fucking sucks. I'm overweight and it fucking sucks. Everything fucking sucks but I refuse to take on a victim role....

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Date:2004-05-29 16:23
Subject:
Security:Public

I don't know what's going on in my head butit's pretty damn screwed up right now, i can't understand anything and I guess I'm not supposed to but it's so hard to deal with, not having money sucks so much ass I hate it so friggin much. I wish I could be doing something right now, I wish someone would fucking hire me, it is so hard to find a fucking job. I applied like everywhere and BK and MCdonalds won't even hire me, like what the hell, my resume is good, my job experience is good, I just don't get it. I dunno, I just hope i'll find satisfaction in something.

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Date:2004-05-28 00:41
Subject:
Security:Public

O mg I hate learning french and I am so unmotivated to do it but yet I have to go to a university which is totally french immersion and I can't speak french that good at all and I haven't been studying for lack of interest andn i leave in a month! That's a bitch eh?

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Date:2004-05-27 21:09
Subject:
Security:Public

Wow apparently I'm smart, I took an iq test and got 129, that's good right?

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Date:2004-05-26 22:52
Subject:
Security:Public
Music:The tea party

My dad just phoned me, he's in one of his good moods right now, I'm really happy that he's doing so well but I don't know how long it is gonna last. He said that he would send some money in a couple of days but I've learned to ignore his promises and not take them too seriously. I sometimes feel like I can understand him. He had to grow up in such an emotionally and physically abusive household with alot of sibling rivalry, who gets the most attention kinda competition situation. I sympathize with him as hard as I try not to. I just realized how big of an asshole my grandpa was to me because I have no benefit to him and unless he thinks that I'll succeed in life and be rich to give him money then he won't talk to me. So he's just another person I'll have to prove wrong. So that's about it for tonight, I should go to bed soon, the internet is just so interesting sometimes though, when used for educational purposes.

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Date:2004-05-26 21:40
Subject:UNASHAMED
Security:Public

unashamed

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Date:2004-05-26 20:12
Subject:FUCK I"M MAD
Security:Public
Mood: enraged
Music:ACDC

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING ASSHOLES? Like all I did was ask this guy on msn a simple question on msn and then he fucking puts his status away and ignores me. Like I get the fucking message already, don't think you are so fucking high and mighty just because you have lots of money, i fucking hate people like that with no fucking respect. I find that so rude it just pisses me off, whatever he's deleted I don't have to deal with any of that shit, fucking stupid ass prick asshole!!

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Date:2004-05-25 23:59
Subject:Five Minutes for Peace
Security:Public

May traffic stop, work suspend, communication cease.
For five minutes may the only human noise be the sound of lives being saved.


Let us all come together, for this one moment, in silent hope and prayer.

Five minutes realizing that despite our titles, our blood runs as red as a beggar on a corner, as a madman in an institution, as a prophet's, as a king's.

We all feel pain, fear, confusion, anger and frustration.

It is only what we feed each other that tips the balance of fault and fairness.


We have all been prisoners of our pride, selfishness, and illusion. We all have, at times, allowed these ailments to lead us astray. We all know what it means to be lost, to be frightened. Yet we, are all also bearers of truth, of love, of compassion and understanding.


Five minutes of silence on behalf of everyone who truly wants nothing more than food, shelter, honest rewards for honest work, and to care for that which they love.

Five minutes of prayer for every man woman and child who wants simply to worship, to offer thanks and reverence for this chance at life, in the best way they know how.
Five minutes of peace for all whom feel it better to be enlightened, than beaten into submission.


Five minutes of silence for every person who, quite honestly, finds the wrath of God, Mother Nature, and human error excitement enough, thank you, without the terror of war, and the nightmare of our kin destroying brothers, sisters and ourselves.


Five minutes of hope that if any find their only joy in hatred, murder and destruction, they will go off to some desolate, barren land, happily destroy each other there, and leave us who seek peace alone.



Five minutes of peace, in the name of being tired.
Tired of feeding our children to angry ghosts who have only multiplied in the days, weeks, years, centuries, millennia of vile discord.
Tired of wasting our energies on hatred and fear, when there are so many places they are needed for love and solace.


Five minutes of silence in respect for those lost.
Five minutes in prayer, may they rest in peace.

Five minutes to find the pulse of our world so we may dance and sing in harmony once again.
Five minutes of silence in the name of living, and letting live in the best way we can.


Five minutes in the name of listening to and teaching what we believe is right, instead of terrorizing others who we fear are mistaken.

Five minutes of respect for every three-year old that shakes her head and sighs, newly aware of the madness that surrounds her.
Five minutes in sorrow for all children who come of age only to paint themselves in the colors of death because they see no hope, and do not understand why.


Tears for all those who know only the darkness, the misery that seems their birthright.
Five minutes of prayer, five minutes of love, five minutes of universal forgiveness.
Five minutes to show the world, that we are not the only ones who feel this way. Five minutes to feed the faith that we are not alone.


What next? What then, you ask? After five minutes of contemplating the hope and insanity that has brought us thus far? Listen to our hearts, let it deem our next actions.
Help to turn these towers of babble we call "modern technology" into beacons of hope.
For love, truth, and forgiveness are contagious. They spread with our embrace.
Purge yourself of the sin you find, sacrifice your secrets, and offer forgiveness to those you find doing the same. Let us have hope.


Let our prayer find action in universal solidarity, let us free ourselves and our children of this baggage of misery which we have carried since the dawn of time.
Let us clean our ragged wounds so they may finally heal. Let us restore this home, this life-spring, this haven we call "Earth". We may never find perfection, but it is ever noble to try.

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Date:2004-05-25 23:35
Subject:
Security:Public

I can't believe that I'm in a positive mood. This rollercoaster ride called life is taking me through my ups and downs but right now i'm up so everything is all good.. till tommorow.

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Date:2004-05-25 23:33
Subject:The Hundredth Monkey
Security:Public
Mood: amused
Music:Scarface-My block

The Japanese monkey, Macaca fuscata, had been observed in the wild for a period of over 30 years.

In 1952, on the island of Koshima, scientists were providing monkeys with sweet potatoes dropped in the sand. The monkeys liked the taste of the raw sweet potatoes, but they found the dirt unpleasant.

An 18-month-old female named Imo found she could solve the problem by washing the potatoes in a nearby stream. She taught this trick to her mother. Her playmates also learned this new way and they taught their mothers too.

This cultural innovation was gradually picked up by various monkeys before the eyes of the scientists.

Between 1952 and 1958 all the young monkeys learned to wash the sandy sweet potatoes to make them more palatable.

Only the adults who imitated their children learned this social improvement. Other adults kept eating the dirty sweet potatoes.

Then something startling took place. In the autumn of 1958, a certain number of Koshima monkeys were washing sweet potatoes -- the exact number is not known.

Let us suppose that when the sun rose one morning there were 99 monkeys on Koshima Island who had learned to wash their sweet potatoes.

Let's further suppose that later that morning, the hundredth monkey learned to wash potatoes.

THEN IT HAPPENED!

By that evening almost everyone in the tribe was washing sweet potatoes before eating them.

The added energy of this hundredth monkey somehow created an ideological breakthrough!

But notice.

A most surprising thing observed by these scientists was that the habit of washing sweet potatoes then jumped over the sea --

Colonies of monkeys on other islands and the mainland troop of monkeys at Takasakiyama began washing their sweet potatoes.

Thus, when a certain critical number achieves an awareness, this new awareness may be communicated from mind to mind.

Although the exact number may vary, this Hundredth Monkey Phenomenon means that when only a limited number of people know of a new way, it may remain the conscious property of these people.

But there is a point at which if only one more person tunes-in to a new awareness, a field is strengthened so that this awareness is picked up by almost everyone!

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Date:2004-05-25 23:30
Subject:The Hundredth Monkey
Security:Public
Mood: good
Music:Brian McKnight-I miss you

The Japanese monkey, Macaca fuscata, had been observed in the wild for a period of over 30 years.

In 1952, on the island of Koshima, scientists were providing monkeys with sweet potatoes dropped in the sand. The monkeys liked the taste of the raw sweet potatoes, but they found the dirt unpleasant.

An 18-month-old female named Imo found she could solve the problem by washing the potatoes in a nearby stream. She taught this trick to her mother. Her playmates also learned this new way and they taught their mothers too.

This cultural innovation was gradually picked up by various monkeys before the eyes of the scientists.

Between 1952 and 1958 all the young monkeys learned to wash the sandy sweet potatoes to make them more palatable.

Only the adults who imitated their children learned this social improvement. Other adults kept eating the dirty sweet potatoes.

Then something startling took place. In the autumn of 1958, a certain number of Koshima monkeys were washing sweet potatoes -- the exact number is not known.

Let us suppose that when the sun rose one morning there were 99 monkeys on Koshima Island who had learned to wash their sweet potatoes.

Let's further suppose that later that morning, the hundredth monkey learned to wash potatoes.

THEN IT HAPPENED!

By that evening almost everyone in the tribe was washing sweet potatoes before eating them.

The added energy of this hundredth monkey somehow created an ideological breakthrough!

But notice.

A most surprising thing observed by these scientists was that the habit of washing sweet potatoes then jumped over the sea --

Colonies of monkeys on other islands and the mainland troop of monkeys at Takasakiyama began washing their sweet potatoes.

Thus, when a certain critical number achieves an awareness, this new awareness may be communicated from mind to mind.

Although the exact number may vary, this Hundredth Monkey Phenomenon means that when only a limited number of people know of a new way, it may remain the conscious property of these people.

But there is a point at which if only one more person tunes-in to a new awareness, a field is strengthened so that this awareness is picked up by almost everyone!

(from the book "The Hundredth Monkey" by Ken Keyes, jr. The book is not copyrighted and the material may be reproduced in whole or in part.

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Date:2004-05-25 23:08
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: mellow
Music:ll cool j

Sex and beauty are inseparable,
Like life and consciousness.
And the intelligence which goes
People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.
~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross ~

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Date:2004-05-25 22:57
Subject:Ghandi
Security:Public

I find significance in this.


Mohandas Karamachand Gandhi, one of the most influential figures in modern social and political activism,
considered these traits to be the most spiritually perilous to humanity.

Wealth without Work
Pleasure without Conscience
Science without Humanity
Knowledge without Character

Politics without Principle
Commerce without Morality
Worship without Sacrifice

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Date:2004-05-25 22:52
Subject:LIFE
Security:Public
Mood: restless
Music:Aaliyah-Are you that somebody

I couldn't stress it more, but dreams are what we live for, no matter what obstacles, great or small, they are all there for a reason that you'll understand someday. Regrets aren't worth it, we can't reverse time (if we could the world would be a lot more screwed up anyways) we thrive from learning and our mistakes are here every single day to teach us something new. That's what life is. It just is. So let's just let it be and enjoy the ride for as long as we can, one day at a time.

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Date:2004-05-25 22:46
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: irate
Music:Alice in Chains

Wow I"m pretty tired right now, I've been thinking about a lot of shit and I'm feeling alot better, I get these stupid depressions at certain times of the month like really bad and then they dissapear completely, I really should get it checked out soon. Probably tommorow when I go and find a job, I better start working soon, sitting on my ass is getting really boring. I'm even applying at BK, now that's gettin prettty desperate, but whatever, a job is a job, money is money, if I get some then I can go to the Y when it opens and start working out and stuff, keep busy and distract myself from the world around me.

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Date:2004-05-25 18:19
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: cheerful
Music:Jimi Hendrix-Fire

Okay I have made my final decision, I am gonna go and talk to the doctor tommorow and make an apointment to get checked out for PMDD, I have it I sware to god I am the bitchiest pmser ever and I get these crazy ass angry mood swings and it just totally interferes with my life. Like I gotta go back to school for good this time and not drop out. Actually I'm gonna go check that shit out right now and get it done and over with.

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Date:2004-05-25 16:24
Subject:I don't know
Security:Public
Mood: content
Music:Powderfinger

What is it that makes a person so intriguing? How is it that we can experience such a strong attraction to somebody that we haven't even really met? Why is it that the only time that we are perfect is when somebody else is in love with us? Everything is so complicated in life but somehow I manage to let everything be what it is and everything happen for a reason when it is supposed to happen. Life is a journey and nobody can really say what's gonna come next, things will change for the good, things will change for the bad, but I've learnt that there is always a rainbow after the storm, and there will always be one somewhere in the world.

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Date:2004-05-25 15:36
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: nerdy
Music:Nirvana

I realized that everything seems different at first but once you give it a chance, it'll grow on you.

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Date:2004-05-25 15:19
Subject:uhh i did something and now this won't show up....
Security:Public
Mood: bored
Music:Led Zepplin

Who knows why we act the way we do, who knows how somebody still feels content at times just being alone, yearning to just think and learn and explore their own mind.
Yeah I'm crazy,
but at heart I'm kind.
Sure I act different,
but I got a good mind.
I don't talk much most of the time,
cuz i'm careful not to offend.

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Date:2004-05-25 13:38
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: creative

How come we start to believe what we are pretending to be? How come we gotta put on these false personas to the outside world just to manipulate people? How come we can't admit we aren't perfect? Why can't we just start showing and expressing what we really feel? It's all because of a fear that somebody might not like it. Who cares. Is it better to live more or less solitary as a seperate self-assured person, or is it better to rely on other people's confidence in you? I'd rather assure myself then keep trying and failing knkowing that I will never be somebody that I am not.

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