follow me   
08:37pm 24/10/2005
  I"m trying out Greatest Journal...
but I like Blurty, so I"m not sure which I'll stay with.
So, my last 24 hours sucked.   
02:20am 21/10/2005
  My stepfather is threatening to throw me out from sheer spite, and Jon's still locked up so he can't help me, and I"m not sure where I can go at this point.
I'll manage, I always do, but I"m not real happy.
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05:49pm 18/10/2005
  I tell the boy today that I"m having to leave at noon to run errands i town adn what does he do? forgets and calls at a little before noon anyhow.
I was glad to hear his voice, it made me feel good... and he called back at 4 so we could talk for about 30 minutes. I see him tomorrow as well, so it's all working out.
If all I can have of him is his voice, then I'll grab as much of that as I can, you know? There's hope he'll be coming back to me soon, but we don't know yet. All we can do is wait and hope, at this point.
05:32pm 17/10/2005
mood: optimistic
music: REO Speedwagon, "Can't Fight This Feeling"
Well, I spoke to Jon this AM. He missed calling me last night, due to way too many people, and only so many phones. So he called right before noon today instead. Gods. There's so much we have in common...
I ran into a friend from the old days on the River Saturday, and if I want my old camp is still open... I mentioned it to Jon today and he was MUCH less than happy with the idea of me being back in a tent. Tell the truth though, I"m to the point right now that the tent sounds better than where I AM. Only real drawback is no mail delivery to a tent and no phone in a tent. That would be a problem.
The weather is perfect for it though... Jon's main worry and it is a legitimate one, is the cold weather coming. It's going to be a right bastard of a winter this year, most likely very cold and stormy, and even I can see it... though Jon and I are both farmbred, and can read the signs. :)
It's yet another thing that makes me so damn comfortable with him, he's not a damn city boy. Neither was Patrick, but not in the same way. Kevin and Scott... I don't care what Scott said, he was a city boy. Kevin, oh HELL yes. He's scared of the country. Jon... like me, he understands the moods of the country, the weather and the feel... he reads the messages as well as I do if not better. I'm not sure which of us is the better tracker, though, we haven't had a chance to find out. *chuckle* I'm looking forward to THAT chance.
We were both raised by our grandfathers, and have very similar upbringings, which is scary. WE've a LOT of the same attitudes, and much the same values and ideals as well. This is a Good Thing. I look forward to the experience of melding what we have into a whole... this will be interesteing. Buckle up, girl, this will be one wild ride! *laughing*
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I want this over   
04:39pm 16/10/2005
mood: groggy
I want him home. I'm tired of wondering what's going to happen.

I've loved him since May, and he's become a part of me, we balance one another so well. There is no judgement between us, only understanding. Neither of us holds the other's past mistakes against them. I only want him to come home to me.

As for Scott, I"m tired of waiting and wondering, tired of crying, tired of hurting. I still love him and always will, I still miss him. I still, sometimes, cry for him. But I can't just go on waiting. It's time to let go, I guess, much as it breaks my heart to do so.
06:32pm 14/10/2005
mood: loved
music: Guns n Roses Patience
Talked to Jon today on the phone. I miss him pretty bad but I'm making it. He's holding up, better now that he's passed that hump of despair. We only talk 3 days a week, and visit 2 days. I wish it was more, I'm tired of being alone... but at the same time, well, I'm waiting for someone who seems to really really want ME, and who hasn't run from or blamed me for a lot of the less-than-pleasant things in my background. Others have. Others have also been very put off by what I"ve been forced to do to survive, in my younger days. Not drugs... no. But other things of which I am not proud.

He sees me as the woman I am, not my mistakes. Just as I see him. He's actually a very tolerant and patient man, considering. *chuckles* For instance, how long he waited for me, without saying a word about how he felt about me, or about my relationship at the time. He just patiently was ***there*** if I needed someone. Most of the time anyhow. Times he stuck near and watched my back on the River, especially if there was someone around who scared me... just to make sure the person didn't hassle me again.

*chuckle* Oh, I know, he's far from perfect. He's impatient, a perfectionist, stubborn, has a bit of a temper, generally with himself when he doesn't live up to his own standards... but in general is a good man.
06:37pm 13/10/2005
mood: lonely
music: lonely no more Rob Thomas (it's in my head and won't leave!)
Well, I really don't know what to make of Scott anymore. Not sure I really care either. I can understand "working". Really I can. But I can't understand borrowing a friend's phone, sitting outside with it, pretending to talk to me, and returning it, withOUT my # in the dialed #'s file, and withOUT my number at home ringing. I was sitting on it the whole time he was supposedly calling.
So, I guess he just isn't taking this whole thing seiriously. *shrug* That's okay, though.
I've been thinking seriously about Jon's "hints". I asked him were they what I thought they were, and he said yes, but that he won't ASK until he's free again, and can "do it right". *chuckle* Can't really blame him, though. I"m not sure I'd want that important a question asked through glass or over a phone.
All I know is, I love, trust, and respect him, am totally comfortable with him, he doesn't make me feel like I'm invisible or he wishes he were, and he's only let me down once. Grant you, it's a pretty BIG letdown, him getting arrested and all, but he's never lied to me, never tried to blame me for his faults and mistakes... in short, he's been almost a perfect gentleman. *soft laugh*
So, guess we have three guesses what my answer will be when he finally does ask me.
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12:58am 13/10/2005
mood: lonely
music: dead silence
I"m not entirely certain WHAT to make of Scott, now. He hasn't tried to call me all week. Borrowed a phone from a friend, pretended to call me, but never did. Weird. 'ey well. If that's the way it's gonna be, that's the way it's gonna be.
Jon's hinted that he'd like me to marry him. He's not come out and ASKED, yet... but he's sure dropping bricks. You know, big heavy obvious hints?
I think I know what my answer will be.
Okay... still only the 2 hour nap... I am quite certain I shall sleep like the proverbial brick tonight. I bloody wel better. I"m pushing my limits here.
'course the nite Jon was arrested, I didn't sleep from 6:30 Friday AM until like 1AM Sunday AM. (Sat nite)
Awright, I think that's it.
another visit come and gone   
09:06pm 12/10/2005
mood: exhausted
Jon liked the Bible... and he agrees the poor thing needs to be repaired, possibly rebound... the leather cover is really fragile and dry. But we want to preserve at least the front cover.... so I"m gonna see if it can be set in come kind of underlay to the new cover.
Otherwise all seems as well as can be under the circumstances. He's in better spirits, and mine are coming back in line... I"m not as mad, depressed, miserable, confused or scared anymore. This is a Good Thing, no? I can't help but feel like the luckiest woman in the world, to only call him "friend". Though... in many ways he is More Than Friend... someone I can respect, trust, and yes, love. He's a good man, he's just dealt himself a bad hand, and he's trying to play it out. *chuckle* At least he admits he stepped on his dick, unlike a lot of men. He blames nobody but himself.
Augh. I am BEAT. This 30 hours with no sleep followed by a 2-hour nap is for the BIRDS. Gads.
*chuckle* Anyhow, I think that's it for the day.
OH! I had lunch with an old friend from HS today. Just about 30 minutes of quiet talk... but it was enough.
Okay now I"m done.
06:52pm 11/10/2005
mood: contemplative
music: (in my head) Babe, by Styx
It may seem odd for a Witch to buy a Bible, but I got Jon one. Late birthday, early Yule, call it what you will. It's an antique, from the 1800's sometime. It's beginning to fall apart, and needs some repair, but I think we can rejuvenate it without losing it's appeal. I can feel the age in it, and the contemplation of the last one who owned it. It's a dearly loved book, and has known only respect and dedication. I think Jonboy will like it. I"m taking it with me so he can see it tomorrow.
Anyhow. Today's been a long and frustrating one, except for Jonboy calling way earlier than usual. THAT like to scared me out my drawers, lemme tell you! He called at 1 and he NEVER calls before 4 unless its an emergency. He said he just "felt like he needed to call". *chuckle*
Now, Scott, hasn't called at all for 2 days... so I"m kinda wondering what's up with him. I know he's ALIVE, Boss sees him. But that's it. Ah well, time will tel, hey?
I hate to say it...   
10:26pm 10/10/2005
mood: thoughtful
but looking back at my first post of the day... it is so true. Even the ones I thought I loved the most, and indeed was devoted to... were men I had little or nothing in common with, emotionally AND in interests. I wanted to be in love with them. I convinced myself I WAS in love with them.
Several of them, I still LOVE... but am beginning to realize I wasn't IN LOVE with them. It stinks, and is kinda scary. It's really making me think about love, what it is, what it ought to be... and how to recognise the real deal, and help it grow.
This is crazy   
09:09pm 10/10/2005
  I"m a healer. It is so not in my nature to hurt anyone. It sucks when I have to do it. I"m trying to avoid doing it if at all possible. Hurting anyone is right out of my range of skills...
on chasing rainbows   
06:22pm 10/10/2005
  why does it seem as though that's all I ever do? I look back, at my relationships, and it seems that every time I chose the men for ONE trait.... and never for the RIGHT trait. Never one I had things in common with, never one I could enjoy talking with, and never one I could really relate to.

And now, I'm talking to Jon. Not much we can do but talk, right? But the more we talk, the more we write, the more things we discover we have in common. It's strange.
My heartfelt thanks.   
06:50pm 09/10/2005
  Guys, I"ve been so very lucky to have had all of you backing me though this current situation. Each and every one of you has proven to be a good and true friend, even Mike who's only recently chosen to share the burden.
All of you know who you are, from estranged husband to HS friend.
I love you all, and am so very grateful to have you that words fail me.
Thank you, guys.
oh yeah   
05:06pm 08/10/2005
mood: giddy
It's hit him... and he's come through with flying colors. Now he's finally looking to the future, planning what he'll do when he gets out, whenever that is. First on the list are a car and a place to live... and a job... kinda all 3 tied for 1st place, as in he'll be working on those items first.
After that comes rebuilding his life yet again.
We had our regular visit today, and this time we did some laughing, which is a Good Thing... so we'll just keep on working on getting his spirits back up. *nods* He's a good man, and here's hoping he gets that chance he deserves, hey?
08:39pm 07/10/2005
mood: hopeful
music: in my head: headstrong
This is getting weird. First they move JON to a new pod because this kid keeps trying him up... then they send the KID to the SAME pod! What are these people, stupid? Luckily it seems that the kid has decided that dancing with Jon is a Bad Idea. Jon took some hits to the belly and chest, before he finally dropped the kid. I guess he wanted to be sure that the cops knew it was self defense.
It's just crazy, is all. I go see him tomorrow, I only wish it was for more than 20-30 minutes. With any luck at all, he'll be coming home sometime in November, though. There seems to be a real possibility, thanks to the overcrowded prison system here, and the nature of his charges (all misdemeanors)
what to do,   
07:12pm 06/10/2005
mood: hopeful
music: "Lonely no More"
what to do? Things are changing faster than I know how to cope with 'em here. We've hit another situation with Jon... it seems, he may be getting out as early as next month, rather than waiting until Feb. We just don't know and won't until after his next court date at the end of this month. The 27th at 9:45 AM.
Anyhow, here's hopin', hey? Brace for the worst, pray for the best.
another oops   
07:23pm 05/10/2005
Ah well   
07:23pm 05/10/2005
  Such is the life of the one who loves a con.

*chuckles* Jon's having a bit of a rough time right now, he's hit the wall of trying to second guess what he did to land himself in this hot water. He's depressing himself and pretty well ripping himself apart.
I keep telling him to look to the future. There is a brighter day out there, he just has to wait for it. Not to mention plan for it, he has to have an idea what to do when he gets out. So right now, I"m the sole support system, and voice of reason. Not a position I"m used to, 'ey, Knight?
It's weird   
06:03pm 04/10/2005
  The first six weeks of his jailtime, Jon's been reminding me this won't be forever. Now, the strain is beginning to hit him... he needs me to remind him, that it will all be over with eventually. Nothing lasts forever. I just find it a strange position to be in, being the strong one. I'm not used to being "strong".
It's interesting to be needed. I"m all he's got, and be damned if I'm going to let him down.
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