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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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12:21 pm
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without your love, only you are the life upon the dead.
i saw hunter x hunter again. ive been thinking about it since i saw the naruto dvd at home. my temporary home.
anyway. today was a complete reck, im sick, i left my keys, couldn't get my jacket, left my wallet and encountered a hurting moment with that bitch. how could he, i know it wasn't for me. but for her. how could he use me at every instance that he could. even at the last minute, he could just have left me alone.
i guess it wont end. i can't run away from him. i have to understand and learn to forget him, while he is there. to accept all that is happening in my life, work on it and enjoy.
i've heard from someone not to count on the and make a pile of all those negative things. and he was right. maybe it's ocd but lets not make a pattern connecting the miseries.
going back to hunter x hunter. i know i lead a non fulfilled life, for a moment i thought i wanted to be a mom. but i never wanted that. i just felt alone and sorry for myself. but when i remember, i am also a hunter and the reasons why i choose to be alone, why i have my principles in tact. why i work so hard, why i dream why i try so hard. is because i believe in my dreams. it's been so long since i had a dream
determination. like kurapica she had accepted. i must accept if this is defeat and there is no other way to call it. i have to let go. and live mylife. be happy...
i am determined to fix this life determination
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| Sunday, November 8th, 2009
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11:04 am
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i have never had the same agent with that kind of nerve. it was the dreaded agent again. he is fun but he also has the attitude. i can't believe it.
i can't write.
to be a different person, to do different things. not to look back and not to find heim anywhere. i have to understand that i can't see him. i can't inquire what his life is now. i just have to get out of this destructive habit. i can't the past pain i feel drown me and steal away the littlelest i have to be happy.
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| Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
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8:21 am
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i realized that maybe i didn't want to help this time. that maybe i want to work on my own finances and stop having to save up, not being able to eat what i want and buy the things that i want. i lead such a lonely life. i never felt how it would be to just stop spending. until the loneliness ends there would be no saving. i want to live the life not even feeling bad about anything. i m tired of living alone, but since there will be no change. then there is not need to clean up.
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8:05 am
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i've seen house bunny recently. didn't like the film too much, but the scene with demi moore's daughter was so funny. the scene that had an impact on me was when they were at the bar. the blondie was convincing the nerdies to go up to some guys and flirt and i could feel how awkward it was for the nerdies. in my life i want to meet that person, who will encourage me to go beyond what i can and ultimately make me better, some one who encourages me to do that things that i want that i can't seem to get going.
i thought it would be nice to dedicate mylife to looking like an avatar
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| Monday, November 2nd, 2009
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12:09 pm
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i cleaned up the drawers of dusty documents for a 2 year reign as a boss. i clinged to alot of papers, documents that made someones fault materialized and unforgotten. I realized that i keep a lot of things that i don't really give a second look at. If those documents were to face away today. would it matter. would it matter if i delete my emails. would it matter if i burn all thos nasty papers clogging my soul. yeah right.
i told myself. the only way to forget the one i love is to be a different person altogether. to want different things to think differently. to take on a challenge. what i've always wanted to do as a manager. to start new and fresh. and equipped and better, faster, harder, stronger.
i've read my papers, i hate the tone of how i talk. i wonder do my agents really think of me now that i am gone. i guess not. my greates pride had made me realzied what such a bitch i am. i hurt so many people. and if they leave me i can't really blame them. the one i love. i moved mountains for him, but it was for something in return. buti really didn't know what i was doing. this is my chance now. to seize life. to be who i've always wanted to be. to really get out of my comfort zone. to realize a potential that is complete and strong.
i've discovered a lot in just watching you tube. i've discovered different sounds. new songs that i like. it seems i rally am into rap. ciara, missy elliot so far. don't know if i'll like the hard core ones. solja boy was good... so fresh, chris brown used to be fresh thou i didn't like the rhianna beating up thing (boohoo for such a pretty boy).
anyway, i liked how missy elliot brings unfamiliar sound to her songs. the onlyt thing you would really know is that she's the one singing it. well she repeats lyrics, and that helps recall.
i'm bogged up by all the things i could possibly do. well i'll forget, and when i do i'll be happierl
hurt. christina aguillera. i'm listening to this so that i will understand, that my soul needs to cry and after that i'll leave my shadow behind. i'll be the best and i won't look behind.
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| Saturday, October 24th, 2009
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11:28 am
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i kind of realized how sad i am. how there seems to be nothing waiting for me. how that i miss someone and that there is nothing i can do but to sit here and accept that things have moved on. how that i shouldn't even try to hold on.
i thought that changes always bought someting good. but this time it hasn't. although i know that i can create a new life from now on. i feel as if i am handicapped. it seems that it's not what i want and that i couldn't create the happy life that i want. people have moved on. i am the only one who is left behind sulking. i hear their laughter in the background. the fun time have ended. and i don't know where i wil get any of them in the future. it seemed i've been chasing around this things forever. the boy to love, the things to buy and the people who will make my life the best.
i guess, im tired of choosing what i can accept. i have to go through this painful times so that I can get out and be happier than what i can be. i can't be the same person. i have to learn how to want and like things that ive rejected all my life. i have to fit in. i have to start being the vocal one the social butterfly the funny one. it will be an major social butterfly move. i want the best experience. i don't want to grow old and see that my life has passed me by. im glad i chose to live in different places. but what i should
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| Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
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12:12 am
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i just want to write how happy i am for being with him yesterday. before i open my facebook and go back to reality. a liked, the way he let me in just as a friend would. and while it may never happen again. i must say that at least i have a memory to remember.
i tried to hug him, as i've been planning. i didn't stop myself. i sat behind him. i leveled my arm agains his and rested my chin on his left shoulder. a half embrace, not close far to be intimate but close enough to tell him i love him.
he treated me to a ice tea. perhaps it's because i treated the team. it felt nice, coming from him, that was sweet, i liked that and he sat beside me, he didn't move away, he was there just beside me. he talked to me and didn't treat me strange. we were toying with a phone, calling people out, phone passed to my team mates. then i was told, i should ask him to come. and he did, and it was endless conversation about everything and anything, i came home. i share a ride with him. and he told me things about himself. he was open to me. and now before i come hurt i just want to say. i loved him more. and i was prepared to lose him at any moment because i know i can love him unselfishly.
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| Thursday, August 6th, 2009
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6:28 am
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i didnt know that it would cause such panic. the comment was deleted. from what i know, it was taken personally. touche, i don't understand this. where in the world will this lead. it would be den who has deleted it, but it's all just a joke. pretend not to know when you come in. i didn't know they could delete comments that they don't own. i thought just for your profile. but they can delete it. or they could have talked to each other. so sad. it's like they didn't even ask me, or anything. hu hu hu, it was just for fun...
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| Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
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8:46 am - im not you bitch don't hang your shit on me.
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how dare you ask me to smile. how dare you put on that cute face. don't you remember what you do to me everyday. you let me know, that there is nothing there between you and me. you let me know how i don't deserve you. you've been good at letting me know that my feelings are not important. you fucking shit. and you act as if i owe you to feel good about your self.
how dare you. how dare you make me feel like shit and then pretend that it doesnt happen. my anger does not fade away. this is not a game. may be im like a freak, but common, this is just beyond insensitivity. what in the world are you trying to accomplish. with me. do you think it's easy being. i feel stupid and insecure at how i know that you will never look at me that way. how you will never want to hold me. how i am all alone at what i feel for you. how that im just wasting my time. how that you will not even need me at any point in time. how i will see you flirt with others, how i will just nurse this heart that is really hurt. im cut open, and i cure myself, everyday. i try to forget that in this world this is wat i am. i don't belong to you. i'll leave. just as you want. you only feign to make me stay. i feed your ego, whenever i make you feel like you are the most handsome person in the world. your just using me to feel good about yourself. i guess im just not part of your world. why does it hurt this much.
i have been built to last. i have always worked my way to what i want. no not for someone like you to make me belittle myself. no not for you to make me feel that in this world i don't deserve what i want. you can't see that i can take your pain away, i can make you that person who you want to be, so that you do not need to put your head down and pretend that your confident. i can release you from your fears, i can be there for you. you will be happy with me. you will find peace with me. you will find a place that will always be your home. with me.
but you chose to ignore me. and so i end up like this, feeling stupid for having felt all the love that i had for you. feeling stupid that i have wasted my time. and not satisfied that i have not had my revenge. and yet you don't deserve my evilness. you are just a boy. and i am just a girl
my madness will not make any sense. may be i dont deserve you. you will be always have an edge on anyone i'll meet. you will always be more special than anybody else. but i deserve to be happy. maybe not with you but certainly with someone.
come to think of it, you are not strong, you seek for people to confirm yourself and be more confident. you hide in your humble effect. i have insecurities but not like you. you don't mature, you can't tell someone what needs to be told. you hide in your hip hop get up. i probably am more dangerous than you are. i am more capable of being an asshole than you think. you know what eat my dust. you'll go and you'll be miserable just as you made me feel.
so what
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| Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
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10:48 pm
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you've left me broken, and now i shout like someone is going to hear it. no one but me. there are some things that are better left unsaid. and some feelings forgotten. when i forget and move on. everything will be alright. its better to get a long with people as friends. not like this. but how can this be. how can this be a cruel joke to me. when i feel in love last year. i understood, why things can't be. but now i don't. how can i be placed at such a loser position on a fight that i can't even confirm if it's happening. i feel like breaking down. and losing my mind, with all the bottled up feelings. the sadness, he desperation. the love and the hope that are lost forever. and sometimes i want to chase it up. a lonely obsession of mine. and then there is the advice to get out and run only to find out that i can't escape. i am stuck here forever. and i will face the hurt everyday. until im numb or until i drop down. you don't love me, and sometimes you make me realize that in the cruelest manner. i give up. i give up all the feelings that i've nurtured in the absence of someone else to love. you win, im officially rubbish.
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10:35 pm
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now that i've started with anger, you know what you shit. it's a good thing im not giving anything to you. im such a loser and dissing you like this, but common. i want a fight and i want to feel good in beating you up. maybe im just like the commoners who dont deserve much. but i certainly don't deserve this. you may eat you fucking shit of a girl.
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10:30 pm
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you fucking shit, you reject me like rubbish in front everyone else and you flirt with her openly. you fucking shit why don't you take your cock and shove it in her mouth. you know what. im tired of playing this game. do you think by that i dig your respect the boss, bull shit. for all i know you'd get me in bed if i was meagan fox. sorry boy, maybe im your out of my league once a again. maybe your the rich kid with your refined lifestyle, families and friends that make it into high society. and your coñoticons. i dont belong in your world. nor will allow the likes of you to demean me into those ugly daily people you ignore everyday. well your a fucking shit you asshole. you fucking shit.
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| Saturday, June 27th, 2009
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11:53 pm - speaking to him
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i had a vision of god talking to me on the sea shore with a bon fire behind us. He told me that the reason he gave ken to me is because he was giving me a chance, to fall in love and to finally find that opportunity to rest in someones arms to say good bye to the loneliness and the feelings of desperation that I feel everyday. Perhaps its going to be successful, perhaps not. the matter is for a short time you felt genuinely in love. something i've never felt for some time. its an chance for you to learn, to correct what you always thought was wrong in your past relationships. to have a way to say that hey, I've learned my lesson. i can now move on. to learn how to be happy even thou there is no guarantee that the person is yours. to accept that perhaps certain relations ships will never be more than what they are. to understand that you are not a failure, and that things happen for a reason. or that they just happen.
the team asked me a question and for some reason i don't know why it is important for me to answer it. it seems that i have to explain why i fell inlove with ken. sometimes i wonder, it mattered to him that i liked him. and i just thought that he just didn't care. again a lesson in the art of seduction. flirting is true and feelings develop even thou the flirtation is obvious. but if it ever existed it's already too late. i am already out of love from this person. and soon enough I'd be saying goodbye. forever.
"i don't want you to feel like I've closed all doors on you. that's why i gave you ryan. the frustration set in, you are one person who wishes to fall in love at the same time is trying not to fall in love. I know that you didn't want to get hurt because you are not prepared to be rejected. but this time, it's you who must give yourself a chance. it is you who must let yourself fall in love. i gave him to you so that you can feel and so that you can experience something wonderful. perhaps it cant be yours at all, but atleast now you know how it should be."
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11:44 pm - after 3 years
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for the first time there exist a threat of losing the account. I've been here long enough to see everything and who knows perhaps next week. I'll be saying good bye. and maybe this is just how God is telling me that I've fought hard enough and even thou I did not succeed I can put a stop to the fight now. It's his way of telling, I will bring you to a much happier place. and I will give you rest. There are so many things that we will have to give up. You will lose your friends and some love you will then have to let go. You will lose your pride and no one will remember what you meant to this account. perhaps that's just how it will be. There are 25 agents who will say goodbye with you. When you leave you can just look back and say they can keep that account to themselves.
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| Monday, March 23rd, 2009
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6:28 am - hi
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hi there fan, if there is any.
i discovered jay chou 5 months ago when i bought my em30 phone. today I just googled him and watched his movie 'secret'. i have been through a lot of stress, i still fell pain whenever i realized how alone i am in facing the world. thou it doesn't have to be so I jsut have to realize or accept that I am too forward looking that I don't really appreciate what is there. I have dispised the normal. or the immediately availble. i have come to look at them as uncool. or boring or of less value. I guess it's because i hate myself. and everything around me reminds me of who i am, and so i am always looking for ways to change them. to be in some places that I can't be reached or helped, where there is no trace of them even existing in mylife.
recently i found myself falling in love with some one i didn't even consider cool. and the worst is the pain that i feel whenever i want to hold him or be near him. all i can think of is spending time with him or him being mine. i want that special connection that only him and me will share. but im so afraid of rejection. of having to lose just one more time. i don't want to wake up knowing here i am, with a love to share but nobody cares. nobody cares for me. certain feelings brings forth all the insecurities i have. how im just about. im not satisfied with the success i have so far. o feel im still on second leage and that succuss in such a hostile workplace can't happen. it just frustrating. i want to leave this place. and enjoy the way i want to. but then all of this means being alone.
there is an inner turmoil that can't be fixed. and i don't know how in this world am i going to act or live. i want him to find me. i want him to take me away from my self and dangers that i bring. so far the image of me in gym, playing music and discovering things that only to me are popular is something powerful. I want to have my own world and this world will be perfect. I don't need to deal with the immediate rejection. i can relax and feel that i can survive the jungle without exausting myself. without sacrificing too much. without giving too much of myself for somebody elses benefit. that's what i felt when i was with jim and even in my work that is how i feel. i give too much of myself and not really get what i want. not really run things the way i want to. and in the end i was the one who was wrong. like i said there is an inner termoil that cannot rest on it's own. as i wake i am planning to spend my days just as so. indulging in art and anger and emo and tattoos and motorcycles. I don't know if i will eventually be married or if im just going to be a wreck. i have lived in a semi diciplened life. i have not put myself in enough trouble for anyone to rescue me. my parents know they can't intervene any problem that i have i have just for myself. and no one can fix it.
you see the dillema in myself. one thing that i realized is that there is no such thing as thinking about myself. this is how it is. my rage my anger my emotions cause too much hurt that backfires. i am always the victim in the end. i live not for myself. my loneliness and independence is just a mask covering my real life. and in life. i belong to no one and i am to support everyone. i live not for myself and that has been determined even before i was born. and so i can escape to that world that has helped me cope up with everything. i just have to find saner ways of letting it show. i can't walk around in circles talking to myself. thou in growing up i had learned that being quiet has led peolple beleive i am not crazy. or rather i wanted to believe that i was crazy. there are so many people who needs me. and that's just how it is. whether to be loved in return is a concept i have to let go of. whether people will value me or will want me to be in there lives is something that i wont know.
that's why i think of bacoor so much. same loneliness i feel. same need for people. same reasons. i don't know what i'm doing, and i pay for it everyday. seems every god damn wrong thing is my fault and i'm not getting any satisfaction. thou i know i am not alone in the world. i would just have to find them, whoever it is that will embrace me as a person without me having to give them all of me in return. but then i might be thinking too much.
to the recent person who i like. my need for a tattoo will pass. and it better be. i can't insert permanent things onto my skin and then realize from 10 years from now that it's a mistake. but i need to know who i am or create who i really am.
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| Sunday, January 25th, 2009
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4:24 pm
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i wouldn't know, who am i to feel that way. who am i too even think that i would have more space on their lives other than a civilian they happen to know the name of. its sad how that i was hoping some foreign guy would send me an email. but no there's none. then my old friend posts his very convincing photos of him and his girlfriend. you know one said id get laid by now , but guess it's just a lonely year after all. my chinese horoscope says this is bad year for me. well, i am thankful just not lucky hey. i'ts quite unfair how things will be like that.
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| Thursday, November 13th, 2008
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11:03 pm
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I wouldn't know what to expect. on how people act around. it seems they are so tied up in how people should perform. i just don't know if they are looking at the right places. If they are addressing the root of the problem or if they are threathening people with what will happen instead of making the thing to be done. Those are consequences it doesn'take back what was already done or not done. It doesn't ensure that next time things will be done. I can't believe in this place the person I looked up for a few weeks who I let influence me has abandoned to a different world. I have no place in work if I don't shape up. I can now see he care's as part of your job, he doesn't really care about me as a person. sad sad. i was expecting to share to him the wonderful experience of the new york new york presentation. but sadly he was just distant and i found it new in a stange way. I had not known i lived to see him smile at me. I lived so that he will ask me how my day was. i lived everyday with a last conversation syndrome. but it's time to wake up. he sees everything and the days of influencing me is over. he is up to put everyone under his control. except me. coz now i see that in time he will want me out, he is not there to protect me. if i dont act as he wants i have big trouble coming to me. oh god. i want to know what I should be doing. i must gather all I need. This account is mine. I'll do my part but most of all I will help in changing things around. When I leave, it's because somthing is better for myself but also because I've made the account better. that i would be good, that i would be fine. that i would be great.
hey i'll get it done.
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| Saturday, October 4th, 2008
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3:50 am
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hey baby im inspired and i think of you in romantic ways. but guess what maybe im not seduced, im just imaginative and i thought it would be good to think about it. hey clarity peace serenty. really works for me.
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3:16 am
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characters
1. she wants attention at the most ridiculous way. e puta papansin talaga. more than anyone else, she wants to be controversial. the worst is she's putting me along with it. suggestive jokes have no place around me. and in the end her disposition will annoy me.
2. she thinks of herself primarily and is only my friend because of my position. you are not saying sorry because you care for me but because you are embarrased by yourself. you better get a reality check.
3. i dont know why the possibility of me liking him and he liking me back has to be a big deal.
4. you've got some troubles, and i don't know sometimes what i'll do. we get along, but sometimes it seems like you can only project me this paawa effect that you think i'll do something about. lord help me.
5. think for yourself. sayang you're a good person naman pero di na tama yung ka tangahan mo.
6. hindi lahat ng pagpapacute ay nakakatuwa. mukha mo.
7. may tinatago kang hindi magandang ugali, natatago sa pagiging tahimik mo.
8. matalino ka pero meron kang disorder. magiging problema mo yan kapag di ka natututo ng emotional intelligence.
9. wala kang kaibigan. pero sana gawan mo ng paraan.
10. pasaway ka, may mga ginagawa kang di ko alam pero nararamdaman ko.
11. kapag pinupuntahan mo ako na para kang kawawang basang sisiw. e alam na alam ko na. tamad konting challenge lang di mo na kaya.
12. maalam ka, at pwedeng meron kang kakapalan ng mukhang di mo lang nararamdaman sa sarili mo. mga demands na childish, boyish mahirap kang kausapin ng professional.
13. naku ingat ako sayo baka sensitive ka.
14. kala mo kung sino ka, alam kong ang talak mo saking ay di maganda. para kang mga makakapal na nanay around. marami na akong nakasalimuha. hintayin mo.
15. minsan meron akong mga problema na ayokong inconsult sayo pero nakakahiya. nakikita ko yung reaction ko kapag ayaw kong tumulong. pero alam ko naman and dapat kong isipin ay hindi ako kundi sila.
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2:35 am
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i wish i all of these great things that i do for work and for others be something that i can do for my parents and my brothers. and that is what i want to do now. that is the purpose that will take me places or that will lead me to better feelings. and that's the decision. What ever it is i take to improve my lives with them
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