Ack, my phone lines are dead at my house and they just happened to die in the middle of this really long blurty entry. Bah.
Ugh: Yesterday Nick and I spent about 3 hours talking about online journals. He has one and has never added me to his friends list, so I usually can't see what he posts. This wouldn't bother me, except for the fact that other people get to see what's he writing, so why not me? It made me feel like he didn't think he could tell me things, or that things about me were bothering him and he wasn't telling me, etc. I don't know. So that's overwith anyway.
The subject of this one girl friend that he has is always coming up it seems. They are just friends and I know this. But, this doesn't mean that I don't get jealous. They share a "unique relationship," she's pretty, funny, skinny, punk, and has lots in common with him, etc. Obviously I'm going to be threatened by this, it's a girl's nature. It probably has a lot to do with my own self-esteem, which is why I've started going to the gym and trying to eat healthier as of yesterday. We don't have everything in common, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I just feel like sometimes he gets bored with me and she is always entertaining to him, so that's what I get jealous about, I am not worried about him cheating or anything like that. I don't know, I have been trying really hard to not let this get to me. I'm not sure, but I think that if I had a guy friend like this, he would be a little bit jealous, but who knows. Especially if I wrote about this hypothetical friend the way he does about her in my journal. I know it's just an "online thing" and "doesn't go beyond the internet." But he makes her seem so...I dunno...perfect?? And it seems that almost everything that he's written about me has been negative. How do you think this all makes me feel? I want to be that perfect person in his life, who he adores, can't get enough of, etc. Maybe I am, but it doesn't show. He tells me all these things, everything's great, I'm beautiful, etc., and the only thing he can say about me is "I'm not going to get into anything on that front." I guess that's why he didn't want me to see it in the first place. Ruin the perfect illusion I had of us, maybe? I'm not saying he needs to profess his undying love for me in everything he writes. I guess I don't really know what I'm saying. Do I sound insane?
From what I've read in his journal, he was really uncertain about our relationship in the beginning, but never told me that he was, afraid to hurt me I suppose. I was uncertain too, it's long distance and used to be really difficult. Things have gotten a lot better. I don't constantly ask him if he loves me, cuz I know he does and I don't constantly talk about how much I miss him and cry, blah blah, cuz he knows I miss him and I know he misses me. So we're past all of that petty bullshit and can now move on. I feel like our relationship is a lot stronger than it used to be. I can always tell him when something is bothering me, even if it may be stupid, we can always talk about it. I think that now that we're both on track with school and working out and keeping up with our own lives, things will get even better. I used to find myself sitting around waiting to talk to him or for him to call back or whatever, I need to stop doing that and start doing things of my own.
In other news: I am switching to a telecourse instead of my regular class for Microeconomics so that I can work 4 more hours a week. It's only like 80 more bucks a month or so, but every little bit is going to help. I am still struggling to think of something cute and creative to get or do for my baby on Valentine's Day. Maybe I shall listen to some phantom and paint tonight (aka my coloring book) and that'll start the creative juices flowing.
Phew...feel better after getting that all out and now it's time to go to work. More tonight if my phone line is fixed!