||"A Case of You," Joni Mitchell
My Aunt and Uncle are over for the weekend, who made me come for some hour and-a-half walk in the cold with them. I was wearing a hoody, a tuque, and a big-ass, thick-ass coat and I was still freezing. I don't know what it means, but my Uncle asked me if I wanted some wine, and said that it had a fruity taste, so I might like it. Now, I don't know whether he was trying to Subtly Imply something, or whether he was just joking about my pansiness because I'm not a hockey nut like he is (he was complaining about not being able to play hockey this year).
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I read an interview with Fred Phelps about a year ago where he said (paraphrasing here), "God doesn't hate them because they're faggots, they're faggots because God hates them."
Do any of you, my fellow queers, subscribe to the theory that the reason so many gay people are depressed and suicidal isn't because we're gay or because some of us (like me) are too much of pussies to come out and are living in self-conscious denial every second of every day, but because we really aren't good people in God's eyes, so Satan tempts us with faggot urges, and when we succumb to them it's just further proof that we're fags because God hates us?
Also, I went into the Gay.com chat rooms for the first time ever last night. It was OK, but it sucks that you have to pay extra to look at the hot guys' pictures. And I think I need to start posting on other people's journals so I get more "friends" who will respond to mine. And Christian, if you're reading this, if you steal me a Live Journal code I will be your best friend and manslave if you ever come to Canada.
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I think reading Journals, while at least letting me peer into other people's mind and thoughts, is making me more depressed. Why? Because there are all these high school kids, some of them gay, some of them out, and that pisses me off. In a way, I want these people to fail miserably so they can be in the hole that I'm in (thx Mr. Zimmerman). But I also want to warn them: Get good grades! Don't alienate yourself from your friends! Screw up long enough, and there won't be people to care about you later on.
I called a friend of mine today who I haven't seen in months or spoken to (I moved recently and don't know anyone out here). There was awkwardness. One, he's a hunting nut, very conservative. But I like him this much (as a friend) and it was nice talking to him. He said he'll call me next week when he's got some days off.
I almost came out to my cousin last week. I was going to set it up like the smoothie I am: "So, what is your opinion of gay people?" A few years ago -- when I was around 14 -- I remember talking to her on the phone, I think it was around Christmas time, and I was upstairs looking down at my parents and some other people, possibly relatives. And she was like, "Are you gay? You'd be like the black sheep in the family and I'd be the only one who was OK with it." I quickly laughed it off and tried to change the subject so no one downstairs woud pay attention to what we were talking about. I would like to tell someone, and she'd be the best person, I think. But she gets super drunk every once in a while, and I wouldn't want her to, you know, spill the proverbial beans about my, you know, cock-swallowing. And her friend is married to a guy who's niece I went to school with -- I wouldn't want her finding out somehow and spreading the news to all the people I knew in high school, behind my back.
I sometimes wish that I lived in the States, but I like Canada for its general liberalism and stuff...it's a nice country. But the States seems to have a more pulsating life to it. Another cousin of mine who's about my age is going to tour Europe for a year. Maybe that's what I need. I should finally get a license and go do an American road tour.