Stacie's Journal

Thursday, December 21, 2006


End of year post 2006

Geez... it's been a dull year for me...!

[ ] stayed single
[x] got kissed
[x] kissed someone new
[x] made out
[x] made out in a car
[ ] kissed in the snow
[ ] kissed in the rain
[x] had my heart broken
[ ] broke someone else's heart
[ ] had a stalker
[ ] lost a friend
[ ] had a good relationship with someone
[x] questioned my sexual orientation
[ ] came out of my closet
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[ ] got married
[ ] had a divorce
[x] kissed someone of the same sex
[x] met someone that I will never forget
[X] did something I regret
[x] lost my true love
[ ] lost faith in love
[ ] kissed under mistletoe
[x] got a promotion
[ ] got a pay raise
[ ] changed jobs
[ ] lost my job
[ ] quit my job
[ ] dated a co-worker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/daughter
[ ] got fired from my job
[ ] got straight A's
[ ] met a teacher who I became friends with
[x] met a teacher who I really hate
[ ] found the subject I love
[x] failed a class
[X] cut class
[x] skipped school
[ ] got in a fight with a classmate
[ ] did something I was proud of
[ ] discovered a new talent
[X] proved myself an idiot
[ ] embarrassed myself in front of the class
[ ] fell in love with a teacher
[ ] was involved in something that I will never forget
[ ] wrote a poem
[ ] ran a mile
[x] listened to music I couldnt stand
[x] double dipped
[x] skinny dipped
[x] went to a sleepover
[ ] went to camp
[x] threw a surprise party
[x] laughed till I cried
[x] laughed till I peed my pants
[x] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country
[ ] visited a foreign province
[x] cooked a disastrous meal
[X] lost something important to me
[x] got a gift I love
[ ] realized something new about myself
[X] went on a diet
[ ] tried to gain weight
[x] dyed my hair
[x] came close to losing my life
[X] someone close to me died
[x] went to a wild party
[X] drank alcohol
[ ] drank alcohol underage
[X] got drunk
[ ] got arrested
[x] read a great book
[x] saw a great movie
[ ] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[ ] saw a favorite band live
[ ] did something that I want to tell everyone
[ ] experienced something new
[x] made new friends
[X] found out who your real friends are
[x] lied to your parents
[ ] snuck out
[ ] got in trouble with police
[ ] kissed in a pool
[x] kissed under the stars
[x] smoked
[x] did illegal drugs
[x] got wasted
[x] went to a party
[ ] had the time of your life
[x] danced
[x] fell out of love
[x] had a crush on someone
[ ] changed your sexual preference
[x] swam in a pool
[ ] made a snowman
[ ] went snowboarding
[ ] went skiing
[ ] went sledding
[x] slept in past 2pm
[ ] held someones hand that you care about
[x] got wasted in a public place
[ ] got wasted in Mexico
[ ] told someone you like them as more than a friend
[x] gone on vacation
[x] gone on vacation with a friend
[x] driven a car
[ ] played strip poker
[x] danced in the rain
[ ] got in a car accident
[ ] seen someone get in a car accident
[ ] got in a fist fight
[x] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[ ] had an amazing year
[X] missed someone
[ ] got hit by a car
[ ] sent someone to the hospital
[X] got a new pet
[ ] enjoyed this year overall

1. Have you had any relationships this year?
See that is a tricky one. i had a relationship, we broke up and now we are back together. does that count?

2. Have you had your birthday yet?

3. Cried yet?
alot more than i would really like to think about

4. Been on a diet?
yes but it does not seem to work well

5. Pulled an all nighter?
yes- many- this semester was hell and it din't even pay off!

6. Drank Starbucks?

7. Went Camping?
Yes- this past summer we went to Fundy- fucked if i ever go there again! it was horrid

8. Bought something(s)?
Well, ya...

9. Met someone special?
No. there is only one person special in my life and i met him six years or so ago

10. Been out of state/ province?

11. Gone Snowboarding?

12. What are you thinking about?
How much i want my BF to be here right now... or to be at my apartment when i get off of work


1.) Hugged someone?

2.) Slept in someone elses bed?

3.) Any alcohol?
Yes, a lot!

4.) Loaned out money?

5.) Gotten in a car accident?

6.) Gone over your cell phone bill?
um yeah.... evry month

7.) Been called a whore?

8.) Done something you regret?


Last Person you hugged?
Dan my old boss when he gave me a christmas gift this afternoon

Last Person to call you?
Libby- one of the sups downstairs cause she had a question

When was the last time you felt stupid?
everyday of my fucking life

Who was the last person you danced with?
Lisa at the bar

Who did you last yell at?

What did you do today?
Slept till 3pm and then came to work


01. Hometown?

02. Natural hair color?

03. Initials?

04. Hair style?
shag with some curl

05. Eye color?

06. Height:

07. Pets:
cat- jinx

08. Mood:
tired and sick with a cold

09. Where would you rather be?

10. Last thing you drank?


01. Have you ever been in love:

02. Do you believe in love?

03. Why did your LAST relationship fail?
dont need to go into detail

04. Have you ever been heartbroken:

05. Have you ever broken someone's heart:

06. Have you ever fallen for your best friend?

07. Have you ever loved someone but never told them?

08. Are you afraid of commitment?

10. Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships in your life?


01. Are you missing someone right now?

02. Are you happy?
not really

03. Are you eating anything?

04. Do you like someone right now?

1. What is your favorite beer?
i hate all beer

2. What is your favorite mixed drink?
i like em all

3. What is your favorite shot?
blow job

4. What will you NOT drink?
only beer thus far... oh an liquid cocaine, it is a shiot that burns the fuck out of anything

5. Are you a lightweight when it comes to drinking?

6. Do you like the drinks with the little umbrellas?

7. Do you ever drink Bacardi Silver?

8. Do you like frozen drinks?

9. Do you drink liquor straight?
depends on the mood

10. Do you ever drink out of the bottle?
all the time

11. Have you ever drank a jagerbomb?

12. Are you drunk right now?
nope- working rigth now

13. Do you consume more than 2 alcoholic beverages a day?
not usually

14. Do you drink a lot of wine?

15. When's the last time you drank?
five days ago

16. What are your 5 favorite drinks?
vodka rasberry twist
baha tequilla
rum and coke

17. Have you ever thrown up from drinking?

18. Do you feel horny when you drink?
all the time

19. Ever done a Keg Stand?
No"! and i never will

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Tuesday, December 12, 2006


You are Sadly Normal
Congratulations! You scored 0%!
You are very normal. You blend. When asked to describe you, friends use words like "dependable", "sane", and "dull". You are not much fun at parties, and the silliest thing you ever did was this one time when you put on a slightly silly hat.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 0% on Q-Factor

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Monday, December 11, 2006

5:06PM - good weekend

well what can i say about the past week. things have been kins topsy turvy to say the least. friday night jebb drove all the way from Halifax to see me and make up for everything that had happened. we had a good weekend of talking and crying and making up. i know a lot of people are not too happy that we are back together but fuck them! i know that they care about me and that is why they are so concerned but what they need to get through their heads is that i know what i want which is jebb! they do not have to live my life... i do and this is what makes me happy. everything is not forgiven by any means but we are working at making things right between us again. told my dad and he did not seem too impressed either but i know he will understand eventually.

had my first exam on saturday morn... who the fuck schedules an exam at 9am on a saturday! i think that one went pretty well and i had another this morning too. i think i totally bombed that one! fuck i got such a horrid writers block! my god it was bad. i feel so depressed about that. beside that shit nothing happened this weekend. with the exception of getting back with jebb... i had such a goofy smile on my face all weekend.

OH.. this is kind of embarassing... i was supposed to go to a family function with my mother at 2pm yesturday. the phone rings at 130 and it is her. she says she is downstairs in the parking lot and am i ready? when she called i was in mid-sex and it was pretty awkward. she does not know that jebb and i are back together and i am not going to tell her till after christmas cause i knwo that she will not understand. so i had to very quickly finish what jebb and i were doing and then throw some clothes on and run to meet her. my god! it was crazy! what luck i have!

i feel good about my choice. i still love him and he is trying to make it work out between us. he is trying really hard! it is sweet and flattering, and i do notice that now since this has happened we value time with eachother a lot more. maybe this had to happen in order for both of us to realize how much we mean to eachother. shitty way of figuring that out but i feel like i did when we first got to the comfy stage of dating like 4 yrs ago, and it is nice.

dont know what else to say. until i can think of anything else, chao!

Current mood: anxious
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Monday, December 4, 2006

7:42PM - back to stage 1

fuck! fuck! fuck! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!!!

i dont know what to do. i feel like i want to talkt o him and have him as a friend rather than nothing at all but it seems like it hurts me so much! i feel like i want to puke and crawl back into bed and die. jump off a bridge and not be breathing or moving after hitting the ground. Fuck i am so dizzy and light headed. i want to cry. he is talking to me right now. i hurts so much.

i just want to run away but yet i dont know how to cut the noose off. omg.

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well today marks a somewhat good day for me. i pulled an all nighter to get a paper done and guess what.... i had it in on time and I made it to my 8:30 am class. i am so proud! hehehehe... well today is the last day of classes. i was looking forward to it being the last day of scholl and classes for me ever but that is not going to happen! what a fucking mess, i had drop a class so i am not going to graduate from my degree when i thought that i would. well what's one more semester right.... fuck!

so tired. trying to stay awake cause i have to be to work in a few hours and i am cleaning.... havent clean my place in about a week and a half. it is so gross. i guess i was just too depressed to do anything i should have. pretty yucky! anyways, i will probably post again while i am at work. want me, leave one!


Current mood: pessimistic
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I Understand

Here I am alone again tonight
Talking to myself again
Lately, I've been seeing less of you
What's a man to do?

I understand that you've been busy
I understand there's not much time
You've always got the best intentions
Every single time

As the hours of the night roll by
Just like your alibis, I stop and think(stop and think)
It's not like I don't really know you well
Sometimes I think I know you better (than you know yourself)

I understand that it's been crazy
And you can't be by my side
You've got the perfect explanation
Every single time baby, every single time
I understand ooohh I understand oh baby
and now i understand
I understand oohh oh oh oh

If absence makes the heart grow
Fonder, why do I grow
Stronger in my resolve
Everyday I notice I'm becoming someone
Someone who understands
Oh baby I understand I understand

I understand you really miss me
But you can't be by my side
You always got the best excuses
You're such a creative girl
You always seemed to keep me waiting
And now I really understand
That I'm the one who should be changing
I will never ever wait again, wait again, wait again

I understand I understand I understand
I used to think you really loved me
But know I know that you just don't care
You just don't care about me baby, no,
So now when I leave you, I hope you understand

Current mood: crushed
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Sunday, December 3, 2006

11:36PM - let's see....

Single or Taken: single

Happy about the fact that: I am able to respect myself

Eye color: deep water blue

Height: 5'5"ish
What are you wearing right now? pink silk pj pants, and a gray sweater (supposed to be working on an essay!)

Can you make a dollar in change right now: yep

Kind of pants: lose rise jeans with flare leg

Animal: cats

Drink: coffee, pop, water, and hard alcohol... no beer!

Month: july.

Juice: apple

Given anyone a bath: yes

Gone Skinny dipping? used to but not lately

Broken a bone: not a one.

Played truth or dare: of course.

Been in a physical fight: not a bad one, but yes

Been on a plane: yep.

Fallen asleep in school: oh yeah,

Broken someone's heart: no

Cried when someone died: I cry when anyone dies

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: yes i have, but I dont anymore.

Been cheated on: yes, rescently
Beside you: pens, paper, cd,s and a bottle of pop

Last thing you ate: grapefruit
Chicken pox: never

Sore Throat: yes

Stitches: yep

Broken nose: nope
Do You...
Believe in love at first sight: used to think so but love at first sight isn't so pretty when it is tearing you apart inside after five years of as close as it comes to bliss

Like Long distant relationships: NOOOOOO! that is why my bf cheated on me!

Like school: If I didn't procrastinate so much, I'd probably enjoy it more as I'd graduate sooner.

Who was the last person that called you? Katie- just to complain about something so stupid. she has no fucking consideration lately

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses:jus neither. 20/20 baby

Do you get along with your family: somewhat

Final Questions:

What did you do today: got myself out of bed, went Xmas shopping with my mum, got home and tried to start my essay- didn't happen, went out to smoke a bit with my friends Katie, Sarina and Troy, took a bath and now i was trying to get back to the essay but i got a little sidetracked! lol

What car/truck do you wish to have: chevy suburban

How many remote controls are in your house? 1- universal- everything is hooked to it. saves time

Scary or Funny Movies: like all movies

Silver or Gold: silver

Diamond or pearl: diamond?

Sprite or 7up: 7up

Coffee or tea: coffee no question

Phone or in person: in person
Today did you...

1. Talk to someone you liked: no not really

2. Buy something: earrings

3. Get sick? no
Last person who....
Slept in your bed: my ex boyfriend and me when he came down to see me before this whole mess happened

Saw/heard you cry: my ex

Made you cry: my ex

Went to the movies with? vonviently... my ex

Ever been in a fight with your pet? no... what an odd question

Been to Mexico: nope

Been to Europe: nope

Been to Asia: nope

Been to Australia: Nope
Do you have a crush on someone right now: yes, his name is Will

What book are you reading now: Leaves of Grass- Walt Whitman

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? i did but not anymore- as of like this week

Favorite sports to watch: hockey

Tattoo's or piercings:piercings- 3 holes in each ear, had my lip done last november but i took it out

What are you most scared of right now? being alone and neglected

Do you have a job? Yep

Are you lonely right now? quite

Song that's stuck in your head right now? always be my baby- mariah carrey

Have you ever been on radio/TV? on prime time news when i was a kid

Have you ever been in a mosh-pits: once. never... and i would never

Ever get so drunk you dont remember? Unfortunately yes.

Are you too shy to ask someone out? well my confidentce is quite shaky so right now i am affraid but i have asked out guys before. it is really no big deal

How many pillows do you sleep with? three

Who are you missing right now: my ex of course and every time i think about him i want to kick my own ass cause he broke my heart and i still feel like i love him!

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9:24PM - I Still

Who are you now
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow
What do you do
At this very moment
When I think of you
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that

No matter how I fight it, can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on
I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
Yeah, I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I've tried to fight it, can't deny it
You don't even know that

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

No, no

I wish I could find you
Just like you found me, then I
Would never let you go

(Need you, care about you)
Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right here beside you)

But still no word from you

Current mood: blah
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3:30PM - here is a little recap

ok... so for the last week i have been single and torturing myself by feeling guilty for my boyfriend cheating on me. well, this is silly cause i did nothing wrong- so therefore, it is NOT my fault! i have at least got that much progress in after a week. now, i still hadn't eaten for like five days, i had no will do do basic functions really and no appetite. well i just finished 2 spring rolls so at least i am eating some again. i had not slep for days and after about 4 days i started to sleep a bit. the last two nights i have passed out, no dreams and woke up with a massive headache but at least i slept. i found that everything i did and everything i hear reminds me of him, now i can do stuff that we used to do or whatever and not have a breakdown. sure i am still kicking myself in the ass for everything and feeling quite vulnerable but i am making it on my own. i have not let myself just fall apart and let everyone walk over me. also i have not fallen apart so much inside that i have let every guy or bum use my body either. i am not going to be one of those girls that turns into a total whore once her bf and her split. i am not like that. oh yes, as for the guy i met last night, yeah i liked him but i know why nothing happen- i told him i could not really have anything to do with him cause i am one of his bosses. i am wondering what the hell else i have said to some people when i have been drinking! god i am a tard. it was probably for the best that my mouth did run away with me at that point cause i probably would have regretted everything later. although Will was REALLY a cutie and sweet but it was destined to be the wrong thinng for me.

so, last night was quite fun, dont remeber a lot. all i know is that we started at Tanya's house and cause i havent really been eating i was in the bag after three strong drinks... cheap huh, lol... we were joking back and forth about sexual experiences, pretty hilarious actually..... it was me, Tanya, Alisa and Lisa. i think i know more about these girls that i ever wanted, i wish i had it recorded! So hilary showed up later and she was our DD. Tanya was fine when we left and when we were at the bar. when we were leaving is when she started acting out and acting weird. she is so hard to deal with when she is like that. she is 27 and she acts like she is an 18 yr old who just ramsacked their father liquor cabinet... she can not hold her juice or contain her actions. After i fought with her for 15 mins to get her out of the bar i let lisa and mark deal with her cause i just could not keep my cool... i was starting to get pissed. while lisa was trying to coax her to walk home with her, some guy chummied up to me and dug out a joint from his pack of smokes. he asked if i would mind lighting it for him, not a big deal. after i did that he got closer to me and then started offering me some. so i took er. he kept saying "you like to smoke it.. yeah you look like a pot head to me" fuck that made me angry. i left him standing there and Tanya came over and hit his hand and the joint went flying.... poetic justice. we finally got tanya out and sort of away from the bar then she started fighting with us. mark tried to pick her up and lisa was trying to help him get her up. her knees buckled and they all went down on top of her and she cracked her head really hard on the cement. i felt so bad but guess what... that didnt even knock any sense into her. we finally got her home, thre w her into her bed and then took off to the house party.

it was on the walk to the party that everything for me was starting to get blurry. we walked into the house just in time to see some guy pass out in the living room and just fall on his face. i went over and at least got him to prop himself up against the chair, just incase he was going to upchuck. later that same guy was upstairs with everyone and he looked so fucked out of his head! i was kinda scarey. i have dealt a lot with pot head and E-tards cause my old friends went through a stage of doing that shit and i was their DD and babysitter. this guy did not look like anyone i have ever seen on either of those drugs. dont know what he took but it was freaky and not pretty. he also tried to push a girl i know, vanessa, down the stairs cause she told him to go fuck himself. thank god for terry- another guy i work with- cause he took that sketchbag downstairs and kicked his ass out. forgot to say that this house party was for a guy that i work with, mulor, and that is why so many people i work with were there- conviently lol. that is how i met Will, we chatted in the hallway while everyone else was either making out in mulor's bathroom (EEWWWW!!!) or getting stoned in mulor's room.

we talked about a lot of stuff. he was showing me a few pressure point places to hit so maybe someday i can take down some guy who is a lot bigger and rougher than i am.... in order to do this he was pointing at spots on his body, then i would point at the same spot on mine and he would say... oh no, not like that.... grab my hand and put it on his body. i was quite taken by him, he is really cute, i wonder if he will say anything to me tomorrow at work. i would love it! although nothing should happen between us cause we work together it is just a guideline and something i try to stick to cause i dont like mixing work and relationships. but he does work days and i work nights. we would only have an hour overlap. does it count then? oh, i dont know if i should take the first step or see what he does. i wonder too if it is too soon to start dating again. i know i am not over my ex entirely, but maybe being treated better by someone else will help me. ok.. now that is all i remember about the night. the problem is that there are about 2 hours of the night that i do not remember at all. i know i did not do anything cause i would have been able to tell. i can tell though that i had smoked alot of ciggs last night though. oh well.

then there is the fucking freezing walk home. it was 12 blocks with the wind at our faces. lisa lives relative close by me and mark walked us home. i thought i was going up the hill when infact i was going across it. i was so mad when i came to and realized where i really was. when the direction between lisa's house and mine came up, i finished the three blocks myself and stumbled up my 3 flights of stairs and mark took her home. i came home and apparently posted an with a lot of gramatical and spelling errors. that is what you get from a drunk english major... HA! i noticed that i said that i wanted to call my ex and mull shit over... well i did not do that. i put in a movie and passed out on my couch within the first 10-20 mins i think. how exciting am i? now, i am hung over like crazy, listening to music, ate some chinese food and about to write a paper that i have been putting off and dreading to write cause it has to do with marriage, sexuality and relationships in 19th century literature! arg! talk about digging at an already infected anyways. that is my week and more extensively my last few days of partying. it was fun though.


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well i thoughy iwas doing well but i am thinking ot so much anymore. i am so drunk right now! fuck, i am so plasrtered... dont think ib should even be posting but this is as good a time as any. was out with my fgirend lisa tonight- go figure that is the bitches name too.... back on topic- my confidence just took a total shhot tonight and i fell pretty bad. i reaslize that no mater who the guy is right now i compare him to my ex and no one will be good enough. i knwnthis feeling is normal but i feel so horrid. i was talking to a totally hot guy that works day shift at my company and i justvwanted to pounce on him, BUT i thought it may be good to let im come to me... fuck- he was so into me i thought- we spent three hoursa just hooting the shit and chatting and then nothing! i am so discouraged! i really wanted this guy... he is 23, hoty and just ugh! cant explain it. i thought we had a good groove going on but i guesss not. maybe he was sidetrackedf himself cause every few minms i would go out on the balcony to ake sure that my friend that is married is not doing anything she would regret with some guy thsat was into her too. god i wisj i was her in so many ways.. she is sompretty and carefree... she would never cheat but i was just acting a a gaurd in case he wanted to do shit.... that is how i an with my friends. so by the time i grew the balls to try and get this guys number is the same time he disappeared somewhere and lisa wanted to go hokme. i feel so defeated! i wish he would have taken the plunge instaed of me having to and then missing my chance. and i know it was ot cause he had a gf cause i asked him that at the begining of the night. obviously i cannot read me and i need to have more confidence in myself.

the bar was great tonight except for the end when we had to carry tanya out of there by force, she was all over very guy in the joint nad was going to getvthe shit kicked out of her cause she was even going up and kissing gys whon were with thweir women. strange and annoying?> oh yeah! i was so ready to just leave her there and let thw police deal with her i was so pissed. anyways... wehen i come to in the afternoon i suspect i will post more. right now i feel so much like callig my ex up and talking shit over with him.... but i wont... i refuse to let myself do that but i was about ot start regressing at the bar. fuck... i just feel likeni w ant to kill him and want him back at the same time. i am so upset with my feeling for setting me back to this.... i wish i was stronger

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Saturday, December 2, 2006

5:26PM - some good therapy! :)

oh my god i had such a good night last night. we started at one of the bars downtown- not a bad watering hole. I danced all night long with the four girls i went out with. i had just gotten off work so the girls (sirana, michelle and angel) were altready in the bag... they are so funny drunk... it was a hoot! um, so my friend troy was also out and he made sure that from the time i got there until last call there was always a drink in my had. just gave him my money and he did the drink runs for me. my fuck i got wasted so fast. i got up on the raised dance floor.. it is about four and a half feet off the ground- was up there with a girl named bridgett, and it was fun. in the four yrs that i have been frequenting this bar i have never had the guts to do that. then i was in and out for smokes and stuff and i had some guy named ryan hug me, a friend of troy's named josh, i think, kissed me. i had gone home with troy that night.... i passed out on his couch. sarina, michelle and angel were in his bed smoking and watching a movie. at about 4am the girls woke me up again and we smoked some weed and started drinking again. they left at about 11 am and troy crawled into his bed with me. he rubbed my bad and shoulders and made it feel so good. i knew what he wanted cause occasionally his hand would feel my butt through his silk boxers. oh yea! i was so drunk and soaked when i got back to his place that he got me to wear a pair of his boxers and a tshirt while my pants were see the problem here is that troy is a good guy, we've been through a lot together already but i do not want to get him mixed in my life or me in his. his girlfriend left him rescently too- did not break up with him just picked up all her shit and took off with his two kids and did not say anything to him at all! i think that is really bitchiy! that happened about 4 months ago. well anyways, i just dont think i want a relationship right now and i think i want one with a guy who is a bit closer to y age and who is not hurting as much as he is right now. that bitch wont even let him see his kids, he was a saty at home dad for his two kids for three yrs! and now he has gone 4 months without seeing hide or hair of them... he is hurting and hurting bad. told him i appreciated him making me feel better and snuggling with him but that is as far as it could ever go. he was cool with it which made things a lot better. then i came home and it is 5ish pm. it was a good night.

and tonight.... same thing! i have a house party and then the girls and i are going out drinking at another bar. should be fun. but these girls are my close friends not aquaintances... although the aquaintances are defiantely going to become closer friends cause they were a blast! post later.


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Friday, December 1, 2006

6:21PM - fucking goddamn it!

This is so weird. everyone told me... "wait a few days and he will be begging" and guess what? they were right. he is talking to me again which in a way makes me feel good but so fucking confused at the same time! it is almost like he read my last post! but i know he does not know this is me... or at least here is to hoping.

he has basically told me that what is going on between them is not nearly as good as us. but the fact still remains that he chose to throw five yrs away for some little tart that tickled his prick! i am so so confused

like i said yesturday i am swinging back and forth between wanting to be back with him so desperately and wanting a new start with hopes that someone out there really can love me the way i feel i should be loved and treated.

i am so depressed! what do i do. toss out five yrs for one hurtful and dishonest, nasty set of actions? or take him back and hope that something can be rekindled cause he still loves me and wants to be with me? (i am pretty sure- he is beating around saying it but i am pretty sure that is what he is driving at). Fuck fuck fuckidy fuck!


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Thursday, November 30, 2006


Alright, so today was a lot better than the last two. no mental breakdowns as of yet, no crying or feeling overly upset. i think in the last comment i made i said that i am torn into two places:

1) i still love him and i know that and i feel so stupid cause if he were to come back tomorrow i would probably want to take him back and i know that i do not have the will to tell him no. i feel like i do not want to give it a real go and try to move on cause i think deep down inside that the new relationship is not going to work out and he will be back for me cause i am sure he still has strong feelings. and....

2) i really want to go forward and get all of this bather out of my head. he left me for another girl. i think i may be more accepting he had of left me for a guy cause i would think "hmmm.. he likes men so obviously i am not doing it for him... gotta accept it" but NO! i am being replaced by someone who he deems is better than me! fucking god what an ass! i needs to get as far away as i can and see new people. maybe not just one cause i do not have to commit myself to seeing one person if it is just casual dating. right? ( for this question i would like a response from someone cause maybe i am just being a fool and selfish cause i am jaded!).

.....anyways, i feel like i am a pendulum- swinging back and forth between being hopeful for his return and wanting to take the higher road and meet someone new. New could be exciting and refreshing and i would not have to feel gui;ty of exploring. but the old is comfortable and i know every little thing about that person. it is familiar and cozy to me. here is another dilemma.... oh boy

a good friend of mine has been hinting at the idea of us hooking up and has been for about two years. i like him but not really in that way too much- i may if i gave him a chance. now, he would be comfortable territory but i make it one of my two top rules on men. dont date any existing friends because it always ends in disaster and ruins that friendship... and of course... no exs of my friends will ever have a romantic or sexual part in my life... NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! so i need to think of whether i want comfort or refreshing. maybe a new start is more or less in order. go for neither. maybe i should olook for things in a man that is not what i look for normally in a boyfriend or in a friend either...... god there are so many twists and turns to this new-found freedom! which road for christ's sake!

well i tell you- not going to wait... that i have made my mind up about just now. i am going to go out and party party party and not feel guilty for being selfish. there is no WE there is only ME now! long time since i have thought about me. and what should i do?

well at least i can one thing about myself that i have accomplished.... i have acheived phase 1 of getting over my ex and i am starting to embark on phase 2 and 3 sort of at the same time... hehehehe
what are these phases you may ask? well.....

phase 1: staying alive. not letting myself get so depressed that i let his actions bleed over into my life as a whole. i will not hurt myself or try to get hit by cars. i will not jump off of bridges or take pills to try and dull my pain. oh no.... i am better than that i think. although i really wanted to for the first two days..... i think i actually scared myself so much that i thought i could actually do that to my body

phase 2: re-sexification: i made an appointment to get my hair done- new cut and color, getting my nails done, and buying some new clothes! by the time i am done with myself tomorrow i am going to be one of the cutest girls that this town has ever seen. i may be a country bumpkin but this city is going to love me! HA!

now phase three may be a totally disgusting stage and send me right back to phase 1 or 2 but it has to be attempted!

phase 3: get really plastered with the girls and catch some looks from the opposite sex. or maybe more it depends on how this phase is going. if it blows up and i get so sick or depressed it just means that there is more time needed with finding what it is that actually makes me happy on my own. these steps are all trial and error....

i was talking to a few people at work here and they suggested that it may be a good idea for me to list out all of the things that i hated about my ex, list out all of the things that i really liked and then think of the things that i really want in a new man. dating someone who is exactly like your ex will just take you down the same path in one way or another. if i were to choose another guy that has the same figure and dry sense of humor as my ex, e4verytime i am with this person i am going to think about my ex. lets list a few things about my ex that i liked and disliked.....

Likes: -nice eyes: baby blue
-nice butt- but only in jeans
-snuggler- for the most part... that kinda changed about a yr and a half ago
-movie buff- but not as big as me.. hehehe

Dislikes: -he was judgmental of other people cause he thought that they were judging him... HIPPOCRIT!!!
-when out with his friends he did not ever have or start a conversation that i could join in on... it was like they had their own little club and girlfriends were not allowed- and it is not that i am stupid either! i have two degrees!
- his obsession with his fucking computer! god he is on that thing all the time. needs to get out into the world and do something other than chat all day and play games and shit, a few hours ok but not all night
- routine-0 dont like sitting at home and doing the same thing night after night. i wanna mix it up a bit and try some different stuff... as simple as a walk or movie or car ride.. whatever, doesn't matter

- i want a guy who will take me out every once in a while atreat me to a night on the town/ walk in the park/ ride in the country/midnight picnic under the stars/go out for a few drinks at a pub- quiet and nice place where people

- a guy who is not embarassed to talk to me about anything he is thinking or feeling at that moment

- someone who understands my type of lifestyle- i like time with my friends and i expect him to take time with his- but there must always still be time for us- also i work late hours and like to stay out from time to time- my job is very demanding, he needs to get that and be able to juggle if i have to juggle

- i want a man that likes pets

- must want to get married and have kids sometime in his life before he is and that is not a pressuring question to ask on a first

-willing to take time to really know me and to be understanding


now what i ask is... does such a man exist? i doubt it but it is nice to have a dream and know what you really want.....

do you think if i sit on santa's lap and ask him to bring me a man like this for X-mas if he will do it? lol

probably post again in a bit...


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Wednesday, November 29, 2006


ok, well i am writing here to hopefully help myself vent. i rescently broke up with my boyfriend after being together for quite a few yers. I find it hard to get my feet back under me. everything i had done since i was 18 was for "us" and now there is no us and it is hard to cope. I dont know how to be happy or the first step even to getting over the idea that he cheated on me. i feel like i was just not enough. i didnt try hard enough to make him happy or what-have-you. i find myself sitting up at night just thinking about him with another woman, how he must like her more than me and i just cry and hurt. I am sure that venting and getting everything i think and feel out of me in one way or another is a good thing but i dont know how to go forward.

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