Recent Entries

You are viewing the most recent 14 entries.

15th February 2007

11:28pm: Still Alone
All these emotions are just stuck in my head
I can't find the words for them to be said.
No one around me seems to understand,
all I want is for someone to hold my hand.
Just a simple hug is all I am asking for
you make it seem like that's such a chore.
when will the day come that i'm finally free,
from this dark place that has captured me?
I have no place to go or anyone to run to.
my happy days are becoming quite few.
I only wish with all of my might,
that I won't cry myself to sleep tonight
Current Mood: sad

6th February 2007

11:36pm: I hate my life my sister is being mean to me for no reason. I hate this how can she be so mean. All I did was make one joke and, I guess she did't take it has a joke but thats what it was whatever she makes them all the time so why can't I ? And some of them are mean like about me and my others sisters looks my joke was that she had to pay 10$ for a soup thats it. She so wired. She should pay are dad food money she is 29 and liveing at home and has a jod and still wount pay my dad any money and help him out I do all day I help him Shes so slefish.
Current Mood: depressed

24th August 2006

11:59pm: loneliness
When my day just seems to turn grey,
And my world just seems to fall,
Having someone to talk to would be nice,
But everyone is busy with other things.

That's when loneliness and depression set in,
And suicidal thoughts start to run through my head,
I try to shake them, but they just are too stubborn,
And laughter only turns to tears.

Someone to talk to to about how i feel
Would help, but it can only do so much,
But holding them in only does more harm,
Then sharing them with someone who would listen.

Since everyone is busy there is no one to talk to,
And I feel the tears building in my eyes,
But I have no shoulder to cry on,
So I let them fall on my pillow.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Ashlee Simpson -Catch Me When I Fall

7th July 2006

10:13pm: I hate me life I never do anything fun this sucks!!!!!!!!!! I suck they all go out with their boyfriends and I stay here and sit with daddy and make sure he don't brun the houes down or kill himself what a life I have. Amanda thinks hang out with me one day a week with her boyfriend there is good and calling every day but thats nothing and missy she just hangs out with one or two hours a week and thats it she loves her boyfriend more then me why I guess I really suck that my own sisters don't even want to hang out or do something with me. And Katie she the only one who hangs out but she's only normel for 1 munite and the rest of the time she' really crazzy or in the basement or like the others with her boyfriend. So I just sit here and do nothing like always with no car and no friends no boyfriend great!!!!!!
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: James Blunt- "You beauitful"

28th June 2006

10:51pm: Loneliness
I feel so alone I have no one to myself all my sisters have boyfriends and I know thats what they are supposed to do but I still feel alone when is it my trun? This is something I found on the internet it describes what i'm feeling.

Im sick of being alone,
No-one to hold when the night is scary ad cold,
No-one to share my hopes and dreams,
My crazy schemes

Loneliness is an empty void,
That can't be described.
It is a weight on my shoulders
It feels like a thousand boulders

Loneliness is a curse,
A demon in the dark.
It casts over you like a shadow,
And leaves behind its mark

Tears and love are welling,
Ready to burst, my heart is swelling
With emptiness
And loneliness...

Current Mood: lonely

9th May 2006

2:32am: Mother
How can you hate your own mother? I'll tell you when she tells every one lies about you I hate her so much I'm going to kill her or myself I'm or don’t know which one to pick yet most likely myself. She makes up lies like me having blackouts and pulling out my hair and then peeing myself what the fuck... how can she say something that is the biggest lie ever I really am going to kill her for real I will never forgive her ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of us will die!!! I mean it. She is not nor ever was a mom to any of us my sisters were my moms!! She will burn in hell for everything she has ever did. FUCK HER

Current Mood: angry

29th April 2006

2:37am: So I here
I finally made the move to pa for good I'm so happy I just wish P could come to but I hope soon. It was hard but I had to do it for me and my mom don't understand She said "That's because you don't love me" And that some true some not she's a big baby and only cares about herself what a bitch! The only reason I stayed has long has I did was for my little brother P. But I had to get out I was dieing there I was so depressed I wanted to kill myself I cried all the time and didn’t know why. But now I feel better like I could get a boyfriend and a job and have a life. I did what I had to do for me and I hope he will not hate me for doing it
Current Mood: accomplished

22nd April 2006

Paranoid Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Disorder:High
Antisocial Disorder:Moderate
Borderline Disorder:Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:Very High
Dependent Disorder:High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --

Current Mood: bored
6:48pm: Torn
I feel like I’m being pulled in two different directions the one I feel like I should stay for my little brother and the other I wish I could live for ever. I don’t know with one to pick. I’ve been going back and forth between m.d and p.a for a year now and still don’t know what to do. I wish my little brother was older so I could leave and live in p.a for good but he’s not so I have to stay. I’m 18 I should be able to move out and start my own live. I feel like if I continue to live most of the time there in m.d I will never get married or start a family why shouldn’t I be able to it’s not fare. If I lived in p.a I could take care of daddy and K would hopefully take care of herself so she could start her own family. Daddy would be happier and so would I. But if I leave for good P would hate me and so would mommy and K I would have no health care and I need that and I would miss the animals . I don’t know what to do .
Current Mood: worried

2nd April 2006

3:06am: How I feel right now
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Current Mood: indescribable

24th March 2006

11:10pm: Father
You say you love me and then you drink. You're slowly killing yourself. Why would do this to us? Why should we have to see you killing yourself. If you where not a drunk our lives would be so much better. We all would still be living together. You and mommy fucked us all up....thanks. The only thing you love is to drink.... why? This is why I take pills because of you both. This is why "K" is sick because of you both. Why can't you stop for us all? Paul's only 13 and he has no father..... because of this... be a dad please. I love you and want you to live forever and ever. Please stop!!!

Current Mood: sad

23rd March 2006

4:08am: My Family
Ok, so in my first journal entry I said that I would tell you all about my family.Then the thing with my sister happen, so I'm telling you now.

I’ll start with my mom. she's crazy!! First she decided to kick my dad out of the house.Then she turned into a whore by sleeping with my best friend's dad, Then a young friend of the family and his to friends.

After they were done with her she decided we would be moving. She told my older sister and younger brother and I we were all moving to Maryland to live. We lived there for 1 year.Then she met Her current boyfriend Kenny (who is dirty old men who makes my sick).

I'm going to move on now to my dad. I always looked up to him when I was younger. Now I look at him just feel sad because of what he's doing to himself. He's a drunk. he has been for over 15 years. His liver must be really bad. That is why looking at him makes me so sad. I love him so much.I just feel like I'm going to cry because he's going die.... and then I will die inside :(.

Moving on now to my oldest Missy..... she a sult sometimes. It makes me really mad. I don't know when she's going to grow up. She is 28 years old !! She's so selfish it's not even funny. How can we be sisters?

Then there's my sister "K" let's call her. She's always sad. I wish I knew how to help, because I love her so much.then she will get in a really bad mood and I want to kill her! I know she can't help it though.

Next is my sister "A" she a little bit of both of them. We have a lot in common.... like our t.v shows and our looks. She's a great sister.
Finally, there is my little brother. He's soo cute. I really love him. He’s a really good person and a great brother.

I wish we could both live in p.a. Then we could have real friends (other then siblings) and go to real school (instead of being home schooled).

That is my family and I love them !

Current Mood: disappointed

12th March 2006

2:20am: My Night
It was suppose to be a fun night when my sister Missy came downstairs and said that her boyfriend Rune was drinking a whole bottle of rum, I went up with her and he was singing and dancing after drinking half the bottle he stared pushing me and her has a joke but then he did it really hard to me and, she yelled at him and said to say sorry so he came over and pushed me on the bed and got on top of me then my sister pulled him off. After claming down we all sat on the bed then he stared again putting has hand in between my legs and on my boob he was really acting weird so my sister finally said let’s go to a bar and they left not even 1 hour later my sister call cry saying that he jumped out of the moving car and slammed the car door braking it and, then stared running she drove after him to him going in has old friends house who he had not talked to in over a year. Then he called her and was being really mean and told her to just leave and go home so she called me and I told her to come home. And now he’s be calling and calling because he needs a ride to his car she picked up and told him to call his mom and hang up. So now I'm sating a little scared that he’s going to come over and do who knows what. Today was horrible :(

Current Mood: scared

10th March 2006

11:19pm: Life being fat
I guess to stared off I'm 18 years old and over weight bye like 100 pounds. It really sucks to be this fat sometimes I want to die. But the worse thing is having 3 sisters who are really pretty and 2 of them are really skinny. Going out with them is hell people staring at them like damm she’s hot or like who’s the fat chick. I try starving myself and that doesn't work I just really wish I was thin everything would be better. I would not be so shy maybe have my first boyfriend first kiss everything it would be awesome. All my sisters have boyfriends and that makes it hard, I feel like they think I'm fat and ugly. It's hard to ever feel pretty. Two times now I been made fun of the first time was at the movie store I was sating outside when two guys in a car were yelling out the window fat pig and holding out the window a stuffed pig and laughing I cried for a hour. The next time was when I was at the mall with my sister Missy and her boyfriend Rune we were just walking in when a 16 year old boy yelled PIG my sister tried to yell at him but he run in the mans bathroom she told Rune to go yell at him but he said no he’s to young! That was horrible it’s making me sick just thinking of it. I guess that’s it for now next time all talk about my family. Bye for now

Current Mood: embarrassed
Current Music: Kelly Clarkson- Because of you
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