02:28pm 23/02/2004
  So we get to the party, A guy comes out looking like he's having a great time and hands me a bottle of wine and says take a chug from the community mug and so I laugh and toss one back, hand it to Andrea, she hands it back to him and he hands it to me again.
We walk into Robbie's room.. everyone looks completely zonked out. Seems fine, it IS 12 30 in the morning after all. Not so late.. but not so early. By the looks of things they've been partying all day. So Jackie sits us down in the bathroom so no one with bother us and we can smoke some pot in peace. (She doesn't want to share.. )
Andrea feels sick. She pukes.. it's all purple (kind of the color of the wine.. come to think of it the color of the wine was off to begin with...) Come to think of it, the pot looked alittle weird too... $50 for an 8th? There wasn't that much pot in there.. and it didn't smell amazing.. and the crystals didn't look so much like crystals.. Jackie gets bread. We're all on the floor.
My thighs are like.. on fire. So warm. I feel like I'm drunk.. but not. Two sips of wine does not get me drunk. Smoking pot doesn't make me feel like this.
Marb 27s, cloves. Weed. Talking. Matt O sneaks in and sits with us. He mentions something about how he did lines earlier.
Lines?
It hits me.
We're at a cocaine party.
And we don't feel so good.
One girl says to another girl "Oh man I need a special cigarette so badly right now I will pay you $40 for one".
We're out of here. I got my coat in Robbie's bedroom. I went back into the bathroom to get my cigarettes and the girls were doing more lines. ::sniff.:: :: casual conversation:: ::sniff sniff::
Wow.

You don't give a sxe kid LSD.
You DON'T SLIP ME COCAINE.

Jackie didn't do it on purpose.. unless her weed was .. No. It wasnt her fault.
She didn't even know about it til later.
But it's the principle.
IT'S THE FUCKING PRINCIPLE.
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
   
09:50pm 16/01/2004
  I think It's time to talk about the accident.

The hum of the highway lulls her into submission. She finally sinks, uninhibited, into the passenger seat. ("Seems like it takes so much time to just relax.") Engrossed in a menial task she can't take her eyes off of her own denim thighs. Punching numbers, saving time, he echoes hello into the silver spoon; the distant Aphrodite laughs. ("We're trying to bridge the gap on route 95.") The soundtrack is a punk rock lullaby, guitar reverberations to their lives. A softness on her un-laced lips, her patented sideways smile, what's on her mind what's on her mind? A fleeting emotion, an angel's grin. This is living in time. Then his eyes ignite. The slowest cervical twist. Her eyes match his.. but lo, he is fixated on a concluding disruption. The background is no longer in a glance. Distance becomes a trainwreck in front of your very own eyes. After this instant there is no looking back. Inexperience is washed away. We are now living life.
This is not chaos. This is all a careful spiral towards the apex. Heaven on the back of a charging bull. The conclusion, a whirlwind of sharpened paint. And what's this? She's floating in a airy sea of shards! Weightless scraps of once-blueish glass. The pressured sands are in her eyes and she cannot see reality, she is no longer in the moment. The hourglass was overturned and spilt, Someone has stopped the watch. Somewhere she is lost.. but this is not nearly the end.
The wave has ebbed, the velocity is gone and we are now at rest. we must adjust. Come back to the standstill. Yes.. the snow is still intact. Yes she still has hands. But the colors.. they must have ran and washed away with her expression. Their eyes are now wide open. Soaking in the eternal moment with de-virginized eyes. Making up for stolen time.
There are no smells. No sense of touch. Vision is the only sense to trust and even this decieves.. there is only blood in sight.
No fire. No brimstone. She cannot even feel Laceration's heat, the specks of glass have taken residence in her skull. ears. arms. and eyelids. Spitting out the remains of a Ford Focus. Surely this is not her own body. This is surely not her blood.
Cradled in the metal pillow, he rests. Shock-Azure meets Empty Emerald. For a moment there is no movement. No sounds in stillness.Then the spiral snaps back again. The springs are all back in place.
 
     

(2 bullet holes * kiss me)

 
   
12:36am 08/01/2004
  I'm so scared of falling in love again. But I'm terrified of what lovelessness is doing to me.
I need a savior.
 
     

(4 bullet holes * kiss me)

 
   
02:27am 30/12/2003
  A poem that is not mine.
Caramel-voiced and cocoa-haired,
fire-footed steps bring her down the stairs.
Stares from every corner she receives,
sweet she seems, but alas, she deceives.
Oh how they praise her,
worship and raise her
up on her pedastal she stands so high,
making even gods cry.
As she waltzes across the room, you recognize her scent.
It was there last night as you dreamt, sleeping in your bed.
How you know this woman, you dare not ask,
just take her hand and follow her, obey every given task.
In the end she will reward with the gift of life.
Born unto darkness you will be, but not rid of strife.
Only the strong will survive
or death will be revived.
Fear not, child, for she protects you
as long as you remain to her true.





I believe whole-heartedly.

This oath I make unto the undying
Mythical gods into all true fate prying
No matter the office or love intended on giving
I shall alter no more in the faith of the living.
To redeem and repent all human tears and bloodshed
I vow to forever bide with the soul-less the dead.
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
I don't even like Bury your Dead but their lyrics say it all for me.   
01:28am 17/12/2003
  I close my eyes and you say those things that aggravate me.
I swear you say them just to make me cry.
I swear you say them just to make my heart break.
This time it's not going to fucking happen.
I put my hands around your throat
and squeeze until your pulse faded, until your pulse has faded.
So now who is begging who to stop,
and now who is crying to who,
and once again the annoying sound of 6 am, 6 am.
Saves your life, and as always my happiness is cut short.



You don't even like that song.. why did you put it on your away message? This sounds so stupid.
Those lyrics you thoughtlessly typed are my life. They sum up everything I've ever felt. And I know you put them up there so "Sally" can see them when she gets home from school. I want to see what makes her more than me. I never want to meet her. I will destroy her in my dreams tonight. Over. and fucking. over.
This is what I get for wasting my fucking time over a 16 year old.
You warned me and all it did was add new levels to my awareness. You helped me get this low. I've lost my mind. You rubbed it in my face. Fucking rubbed it in. And now you get to move on. I don't have that luxury.
None of this is exaggeration. I really have snapped. One more word from you and I will spend Christmas in another ward. Not that you'll know. I won't give you the satisfaction of seeing your final masterpiece.
You think you're a fucking poet don't you.

I never said that I was a fucking poet,
I never tried to be something I knew I'd never be.
There's no use in pretending.
I'll tell you one thing.
So listen closely when I tell you
this is straight from the bottom of my broken heart.
So please, save the excuses for someone who wants to hear them.
You're not here, that's all that matters.
I'm just afraid that I'll never feel this way again.
You're not here, that's all that matters.
The lies the deceit, will I ever say enough is enough
or will I continue to let you walk all over me.
I am done, pistol please,
I can't take this anymore, pistol please.
I am done, pistol please.
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
Creative writing ends up a five paragraph essay anyways.   
11:18am 03/12/2003
 
mood: cranky
Control. )

_________________________________________

Regret. )

I need to learn how to write well.
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
   
01:51am 08/11/2003
 
mood: violent.
You look so much better on my floor.
Red really brings out your eyes.
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
   
02:44am 30/10/2003
 
music: Circle Takes the Square
Zero gauge
It’s always form over substance with you,
Write the lyrics and they move like the floor’s got a heartbeat.
Well, they all have to keep in tune.
The army comes together on Sunday nights
With their feathered eyes and black hair dye
Around again in a sea of love-hate emotion.
Life is pain and they want to feel alive.
Some tap their feet behind those who will dance in the spotlight.
Love is Agression and they’d like to remind you,
This is their war.
All here fight with versed poetry and complicated chords.

-written for all the scene kids in the world. I love you but I will never understand.

It's time to let go, Darla.
The postcards all read virgina is for lovers
So I'll take my one way ticket to San Fransisco
3,000 miles away from heartbreak
Though I know I'd cash in everything
just to have have your profile next to me on that plane.
We could sit in silence like always
and let the turbulence speak for itself
'Cause I know we've already screamed about everything
that could make an old lover's throat raw
and no matter how loud the clatter gets
It's nothing ever worth worrying about.
We're in the pilot's hands now.


more. )
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
This is what you see when you look in my direction.   
05:07pm 17/10/2003
 
music: Q and not U - nine things everybody knows
some pretty old poems by yours truly. )
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
".. What? I needed closure."   
08:30pm 17/09/2003
 
mood: taunted
For the past four nights I have dreamt of him.
First, we were in a pick-up truck, barreling through walls and ran-down buildings.
The next night, we were at his house for dinner and his father was screaming.
Then, I wanted to go on a trip with him but I kept missing the plane, my friends needed something and I complied.
Last night we were at a halloween costume and he said that I should be his date for tomorrow night, but I said I couldn't because I was busy.
I can't close my eyes without seeing your disgustingly beautiful face. It's been three fucking years. Let me sleep... please.
I just want to be alone if I can't have someone here with me.
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
Maybe I'll love you.. maybe I'll tear you apart.   
12:14am 15/09/2003
 
mood: exhausted
music: Doro - Love me in Black
I keep reliving the moment we said goodbye
You didn't kiss me, you didn't even try
You said i made you feel like you were barely alive
In another lifetime maybe another place
Maybe i'll find you, i could be tempted by fate
And try to reach with too little kindness too late

Are you ready for me
Do you love me in black
I'll push you away
Then make you come back
I can make you feel love
I can be so detached
Do you really want me
Do you love me in black
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
You can't be a quitter if you're not an addict.   
03:28pm 25/08/2003
 
mood: high
music: Incubus - anti gravity love song ( trevor )
You have to understand.. I'm just trying to get away.
Physical contact. Drugs. Self mutilation. Body mods. Music. Books. Work. Sleep. Work. Sleep. Work.
You have to understand.
I'm not really dragging anyone down with me. I'm on my own and I know it. I could lie.. 'I shouldn't do that cause it will hurt _____' .. it won't hurt them. It's not that they don't care persay.. It just really doesn't matter. So I lose blood. Get lung cancer. Pass out from exhaustion. Make all my hair fall out. Rot my brain. Smoke myself stupid. Smell bad all the time. Sleep too much. Stop hanging around with everyone.
I'm trying to understand.
I can't live in the past. It was silly of me to even debate it. What happens when I come to this again, then? Do I live in a perpetual circle? I can't handle this.. Something is going to snap and I'm going to run out of money or new skin for scars.
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

It makes me so paranoid. I feel like an idiot because I know I am being an idiot. Everything is so sharp and vivid.. like I taste it or smell it for the first time.. Katie on the blanket she's all blue and it's all a light brown gray. So brilliant like a star on the muddy ground. But it's so slow. I can feel the space in between all the seconds that I'm living. I try to move quickly and it's jumpy.. like a skippy VHS.. but if I move slow.. it's brilliant and smooth. They were laughing and they kissed each other's foreheads. It would pause and the world would slow down and it'd be just them.. they would kiss and smile and laugh and sigh and then it would shift focus and Katie would speak and I'd have to make a concious effort to breathe. Every movement is a new task.. you can't talk and breathe and move at the same time.
Someone's poured liquid metal in my limbs.
I'd try to speak but the words were coming out too slow and I knew it. I was ineffectual and I knew it.
"What if this was bad shit? What if we're stuck like this.. forever?"
I kept looking up and trying to find where they were but it was idle conversation (idle conversation? What a stupid phrase..). Even when it was directed towards me I didn't care to answer. I couldn't stop moving or I would die or something.. I just knew I couldn't stop and I wasn't going to risk it. I ran my fingers through my greasy hair and I tugged at my shirt and I shuffled my feet and I rubbed my leg and I rolled my eyes and I bit my lip and I SCREAMED ON THE INSIDE because I KNEW I COULDN'T STOP.

And I'm still alittle fucking baked.

So is that worse than slicing my arms? Oh god I need a new hobby. I can't wear these out. I'm so scared of being left alone all the time now.. I can't go long alone.
I wanna feel numb.
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
   
01:08pm 24/07/2003
 
music: Pedro the fucking lion baby
I love my job and I'm not being sarcastic. Weird.

1-413-626-3683
My cell number. I just bought it. Randomly text message me. I'd like that. =)

So what's new you may ask?
Not a fucking thing.

Tattoo soon. And birthday coming up on sunday. That owns.

I suck at updating lately. Le sigh.
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
   
10:15pm 29/06/2003
  Ever get that feeling where you know you're gonna die alone.. and you know it's gonna be your own fault?
Yeah.. I'm swimming in that.
_ _ _ _ . I hate that fucking word. It's everyone's demise. Why give us the capacity for emotions that in the end we cannot handle?
I'm giving up before it can happen again. Twice is plenty for me.
 
     

(6 bullet holes * kiss me)

 
Surveys. I know it's lame.   
01:17pm 28/06/2003
 
mood: empty
music: Rasputina - Gingerbread Coffin
stolen from another. )
 
     

( * kiss me)

 
   
10:18pm 22/06/2003
  Don't be alarmed if I added you to my friends list.. basically I went around and if I thought you seemed interesting I added you.
I'll take you off if you'd like... it's just I'd like some new friends.. and I don't update this journal often anyways.
 
     

(9 bullet holes * kiss me)

 
All good children go to heaven   
04:28pm 22/06/2003
 
mood: confused
music: Bad Religion and Misfits.
So what's new in my life?
I'm single. I could say that he dumped me but really he begged for me back and I told him I didn't want that.. so I'm no pity case. Sure I cried..cried my little heart out. I'm done though, I don't want to cry anymore.
This little box says "Event:" and I really don't have any events to talk about.. I'm really very boring.
Secret Admirer eh? hehe. Odds are youre just one of my friends being silly.. but if not my aim is Chrome Charisma.
I'm going to Jeffie K's mom wedding. I get to see him in a tux. I get to dress up slightly nice. I don't know why but I'm kinda nervous. I guess I'm just.. eh I don't know.
I swear sometimes God just fucks with my reality to keep me on my toes. I mean c'mon, Matt being nice to me, Mike telling me that he fucking hates me.. other stuff... fucking random.
I keep seeing these little quick flashes of light when I'm out.. it's still too early for fireflies right? No one else seems to catch on them... blah.
Eh I'll write more later.
 
     

(3 bullet holes * kiss me)

 
   
05:57pm 05/05/2003
 
mood: tired
music: Flogging Molly
http://www.petitiononline.com/stuvwxyz/petition.html

Help bring Invader Zim to Adult Swim. Sign the petition.. it only takes about 3 minutes! Thanks!
 
     

(2 bullet holes * kiss me)

 
Magickal.   
08:58pm 16/04/2003
 
mood: accomplished
music: Loreena McKennit x Night Ride Across the Caucacus
I'm seeing an average of about one strange thing a day. Yesterday was the rainbow flash and today was the winged thing flying across my window. I love this.. I hope I get some answers soon.
I don't write in this a whole lot.. heh. Second post ever.
 
     

(5 bullet holes * kiss me)

 
::mmm::   
03:16am 01/04/2003
 
mood: morose
New Journal again.. Starting fresh. I hope to make some new friends.
 
     

(7 bullet holes * kiss me)