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HatefullyBred

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[15 Jun 2004|04:11pm]
The first 2 days off have been pretty ok I guess. Me and some of my friends smoked out. And now me and my sister are fighting. She wants to know who drank her Mountain Dew. I hate this shit, she is worse than me and I smoke. Ne wayz I am prolly gonna get buzzed again tonight, off of the Jager still left from the other night. I think I may turn into an alchoholic when Ihave this job with UPS. the money available to me will be my worst enemy. But I will budget it hopefully.

Well I am going to continue on this path. Much love to all who I can't see or talk to now. I will see you all sometime......

L8t3rz
2 Cuts| Bleed?

Yes, change..... [04 May 2004|10:20pm]
[ music | Burning Down- (Song not know,as they are a local band,demo!) ]

A new me has taken over, in my head at least. One a bit more sensible than the last. I think I need change, change of people, I don't need a girlfriend but it would be nice to have someone. I am buckeling down on school again. God, it sux soooooo bad. I am actullay doing work again, homework, schoolwork, everything. I have to if I am going to get my diploma over the summer. i will prolly graduate in August, or so. I haven't updated in so long, and I'm sorry. Sorry Mindy, for not being able to talk. My sister won't let me on the computer to often, and I always have company, I'll give you a call soon though. I feel wierd, empty, lost, but in a good way. Something is driving me to be better. I think it has something to do with my family. Throughout the years the males of my family have gone through mental changes as we grow older. It is like a switch that is flicked on our birthday, changing our outlook, thinking patterns, attitude, presence. It's a wierd thing to think about but it happens. With all of us, and I am slowly tracking from my uncle's life to mine. We are like twins, looks as we grew up were almost IDENTICAL. My thoughts were the same as his. I don't know, but whatever it is I think I like it. I am finding new avenues, new light, new darkness........ But it all comes with a price, which I haven't been charged yet. So, I guess I will continue what I am doing, and see what happens. Till next time kiddies, Have Fun, and don't party too much without me.

Bleed?

Meh, Thats all, Meh.... [04 Apr 2004|02:43pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Papa Roach- Between Angels and Insects/ Cold- No one ]

I hate being the one to deliver bad news. I try t have a healthy relationship, but of course, no it has to fuck up, it's only the right thing to happen. I am tired of trying, waiting for someone to come along that truly understands me. By the time I think it will all be ok with this one, it fucks up. I won't mention any names, the ones involved know whats up. Even though the only thing I did was make a bad choice, it still sucks just a bit. Knowing they know whats going through your head. Then they turn around, don't think, and do that one thing to stir up my demons again. I hate having to face them, they always win.

Just like now, I know I did the right thing, but they love to make my inards like a violent eruption of pain, anguish, thought, and yes the blade is more visible than ever. It doesn't matter, nothing matters anymore. Not me, not her, not school, maybe my best friend but thats about all. It finally seems I can talk, and to one thing in this world that won't judge me, won't say anything to sway my views, or try to fix it without asking me, blurty. I never really updated like that past few updates. Maybe that's because I was to afriad to open up my own self. I am to afraid of being exposed, to the world, to myself. I wish things could be different, but I think I am finally making a breakthrough in my psychi(sp). I never meant to hurt anyone, but did anyone care when they hurt me, no. Oh well, life's a bitch, right? They say it doesn't have to be that way. But what they don't know is that it's only true, it does have to be that way. The only way to become a person of strength, integrity, wise, whatever you want, it has to happen.

Life has to be a bitch, to some more then others. I guess I am one of those others. I am becoming a colder person than before, I don't care. I dont' care what happens to the rest of the world, except for close family, and one or two friends. I wish I wouldn't be this way, but I have to. to preserve what I have left of my sanity. It is almost sad, my friend ran away. His mom came by, almost in tears, he's been gone for a week. Well, she was talking to me, for like and hour or so, and I couldn't even feel any compassion for her. I stared at her like it was nothing, cold stare, maybe just a hint of compassion in my eyes, nothing else. Not for him, but for the pain he was causing her. It was tearing her up inside, not that fact he was gone, but no word. Anywayz, I couldn't say anything but I'll help her out all I can. Well, I am gonna go. I have nothing else to bore you with. Thanks blurty, for listenting........

L8t3rz

5 Cuts| Bleed?

HMMMMM [22 Mar 2004|08:07am]
Did this quiz, I think it is trying to say something.....

Link to this image: http://www.zipperfish.com/free/quizimages/pussy4.jpg

ACTUAL CODE:
Bleed?

Sudden Rush... [15 Mar 2004|08:08pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | Meshugga-Rational Gaze ]

A sudden rush of thought,
teeming through my brain

Asking myself one thing
How long will it rain?
Bound by life's cruel ways
left to only count the days
waiting for this pain to be lifted from my aching soul.

Hating is pain's black cousin.
Both seeping into my veins
only to be plagued by thier sowing
of the evil that lies within

Waiting to escape
Waiting to wake up
Waiting to die
and never have to face the demons inside.

Wake me, Love me, make me feel needed, Kill me.



I have too much to say So I left you all with that.

1 Cut| Bleed?

Bored and wired.... [08 Mar 2004|06:11am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Angel's Son ]

Well, back again for another update on my lovely life. Well, the aniversary of my best friend Lonnie's death was Saturday. I can truly say I hate myself for ever trying to get over it, it won't happen. I can never forget him and what he brought to my life. Direction, advice, unconditional friendship, all of these things I lost that day. I have compiled a list of songs and lyrics for myself from one of my favorite bands. Hope you enjoy.

SHINE

This is the last time I will talk to you
I feel like I'm in a blocked state of mind
Am I getting through

I'm on a free fall

So hard
Hard for me to shine
Been so long

If you look real closely
You can see right through
The pain I created
I'm putting us through

I'm on a free fall

So hard
Hard for me to shine
Been so long
To find
Try and find myself
Hardest thing I've ever done

To find
Try and find myself

I'm on a free fall
on a free fall

CRUCIFIED

So much pain to ease my simple mind
No hope - I've been crucified
And no one seems to care

(Don't you feel like a bitch)
(Don't promise shit you'll never be)
(Don't you feel like a bitch)
(Don't promise shit you'll never be)

The first time I knew you lied
I ended up crucified
My hate you wear for my cross you bear
It's for me I swear

What's with you
You leech off my desire
Faceless name
So untrue you're wasting away

(Don't you feel like a,)
(Don't you feel like a,)
(Don't you feel like a shit)
(Don't promise shit you'll never be)

ANGEL'S SON

Life is changing
I can't go on without you
Rearranging. I will be strong
I'll stand by you

(You were fighting everyday)
(So hard to hide the pain)
(I know you never said goodbye)
(I had so much left to say)

One last song
Given to an Angel's Son
As soon as you were gone
As soon as you were gone

I have a new life now
She lives through you
What can I do
Feel so alone now
I pray for you
We still love you

I can't believe you're gone

I can't believe

3 Cuts| Bleed?

Fuck Up... [09 Feb 2004|08:26pm]
Andreas, The all-american fuck up. I have fucked up school, personal life, apparently my sisters. I am just wonderful. But oh well, I'll live. With a few cuts and bruises. ::cough:: But I think things may be ok, I hope. I am trying in school for once in 3 years. Dammit I hate, it but I have to do it. Sex, not the best thing when you don't get pleasure out of it, then you end up some how messing up the girls head. She wants to date you now, getting serious. When I am trying to see if this thing with Holly pans out. But I only have one thing to say, Mindy. You are the only one that genuinly(sp) understands me. Knows what I am feeling when I am down, and we always seem to get out of it ok, if we are talking it through together. I don't know what this is, some infatuation with the unknown, or just a divine connection with the thing we call a soulmate. Only time will tell. I guess.....

Well, I must tend to the itch at hand. Can't stop it.

Morbidly Yours

L8t3rz
4 Cuts| Bleed?

(POST FROM MY OTHER JOURNAL) [25 Jan 2004|12:05am]
"Great......Depression, love it, hate it, live it, breath it. You can come to my world if you want, but I doubt it. I hate everyone, they should all burn in front of my eyes, so I could see the pain, the pain no one else sees in me. No one can tell I am dying in this shell of mine. No one truly understands what it is to be me. To have all this hate and contempt for anything breathing the same air, the same elements that brought this cruel world to me. I don't know what I am here for anymore, I can't tell if I am dreaming or actually coherent. I wish I could drown out this pain by any means, but NO, life has to fuck with me day in and day out. Oh well, so much for a second entry. You know me now, you prolly either hate me or are intruiged, so whatever. No one is gonna read this p.o.s. anyways. I'll just go back to the heel we call the world, if I don't die again.



Aufwiedersehen"
2 Cuts| Bleed?

Lovely..... [24 Jan 2004|11:57pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | Kittie-Charlotte ]

Mom asked the day that shit happened, if I wanted to go to the hospital for help. Like she really gave a shit. No one really fucking cares ne more, at least they sure as hell don't show it. My mom probably just doesn't want the public to see the scars left over from years of pain, or the reoccuring gashes that appear after I am depressed, which I never show ne one that I am. I have been depressed for years now, but just existing is finally taking its toll. I have died inside from all of the wannabe fathers trying their best to make something of a broken boy. Then when they fail, they get on my ass like it's my problem. Which then causes other unmentionables, and I am back to depression. A lovely fucking circle.

I would like to thank my grandparents for taking my shit for 3 years, my mom for well, giving me this shithole of a life, and all the striving step-fathers for fucking my head up even more. It's not any of thier faults it seems, maybe it is just me. lol Who would have thought, me no I don't have a problem. Ok maybe I do but I am content in dealing with it, for as long as it lasts.........how ever long.....

Bleed?

Great........ [20 Jan 2004|04:20pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Im losing another fucking father in my life. He is fucking breaking my world apart every word he speaks, I am dying. I LOVED HIM LIKE MY OWN FATHER, and neone that knows me, knows I don't give that privelege to ANYONE...... To top it all off I was on the verge of depression, and now I am thrown way in its bottomless pits. I hate myself, what did I do to deserve this. Drop everythingI ever knew in Florida, to come up here for a year and get stranded....... maybe I will go back. If he leaves there is nothing left. At this point death sounds real nice, better than having to heal for another four fucking years.

Good Bye

2 Cuts| Bleed?

Practically Dead..... [19 Jan 2004|06:27pm]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | Silence.......... ]

I hate it when you love some one, and they hate you. I don't know why this happens, maybe I am just the dillusional fuck up my parents keep raving about. And on top of it all, the worst day I have had, i have NO ONE to talk to about it. so yeah, i thnk I will go talk to myself, adn the blade, maybe the bill too, but I dont know which ever talk to me first. L8t3rz

Goodbye

Bleed?

HAhAHAha...... [17 Jan 2004|09:10pm]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | Sepultura-Roots Bloody Roots ]

I think at this point I may be dilusional, or at least thats what the parents would like to think. I am trying so fucking hard right now to pass and graduate. I haven't actially tried this hard in a looooooonnnnnnnggg time. I hate it but I have to do it. Cutting never avails me. Its always here, and I hope the next person I am with will understand why, but more than likely they would reject me..........again....... ::sigh:: oh well, this blurty shit gets on my nerves after a while, the fact everyone can read it lol. But oh well, if they dont like it fuck em.

L8t3rz

2 Cuts| Bleed?

Interesting [11 Jan 2004|03:45am]
Studying for once.... Blah. I had to go to tutoring for trig, I fell like such a nerd, but the good things going right now make me feel accomplished.

I went to see "Bad Santa" Friday night with a very kool person. her name is Holly. The latest and best thing that has gone right for me in a long time, for now. I hope I don;t fuck this up. She is awesome period, besides being hot. LoL

Cut last week, but who really gives a shit nemore. I haven't tried to stop, havent gotten much sleep either. Ever since break I haven't had a good night sleep. I am usually up past 10:00 and not up but until 6:00 am, or 3:00 pm. LOL. Maybe i should try to get some sleep soon.

I hope all who read or at least periodically check up are doing well. I am still here.

Much Love

L8t3rz
3 Cuts| Bleed?

New things [11 Dec 2003|05:20pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Coal Chamber- Big Truck [H&- On-Wheel Mix] ]

I have new things happening, wow. I have been talking to this cool chick named Holly. She rocks. and I have a new razor, woohoo. No new cuts........ But I like this new razor better than using scissors. Nice clean cuts, no mess, except for some blood...... New ayzx, trying to stop that. Can't smoke for 15 days, grrrrrrr. I hate court. I have to stop just in case they do a piss test. Stupid fuckers. I wish I could smoke, I havent been sober for soooooooo long, but I'll be getting DRUNK this weekend, cause I can still drink and not get in trouble for it. WOOHOO. Ne who, I will let all you little shabby kiddies who read go and work or do whatever you do when not on the internet consuming your time with my useless babble. Love ya.

L8t3rz

Bleed?

Feeling Good.... [07 Dec 2003|03:46pm]
I talked to mindy, I mean actually talked to her. She is awesome. I feel whenever we talk either online or on the phone, we are on a different plane or world, were nothing can bother me. I haven't felt that in a long time. And it's nice to have someone to share that with again, finally.

I hope we can meet, because she is just soooo awesome I have to meet the person that lights up my days, wink wink.

Ne wayz, I'm gonna continue doing laundry, woohoo. At least I'll have great smelling clean clothes. Shit, and I have to finish homework, meh. Oh well, I'm happy right now, and nothing can change that at the moment.


Much Love,

L8t3rz
1 Cut| Bleed?

Hmmm.... [07 Dec 2003|03:08am]
[ mood | blah ]

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very High
Level 7 (Violent)Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very High

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Bleed?

Nice...... [06 Dec 2003|06:03pm]
[ mood | Dying ]
[ music | Slipknot-Eyeless ]

I try to appolagize for what ever I did, pouring my heart out. He steps all over it and says he doesn't even want to see my face, great. I just won't talk anymore. Ill keep quiet, go about my daily shit, cut, try to cover up the pain, and be comfortably numb. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Well I must go......

L8t3rz

Bleed?

Turmoil.... [04 Dec 2003|10:17pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Drowning Pool- Tearing Away ]

My mind and body are in turmoil. Having the guy that supposedly loves you as his own kids say he isn't your biological father and why should he give two shits about what goes on. That's a fucking stab. Having him make your sister come home in tears after we had just got done crying over shit he said, almost getting into a fight with him, then having your sister get in the way to stop it all. Then he threatens to kick both your asses, lovely. Cutting seems to only numb the pain, it doesn't take it away at all ne more. I have done it for years, and as every year passes it only gets worse. At least its gonna end once I leave. I think i will after I turn 18. I don't want nething to do with the asshole none as Troy aka-Roach. He can go fuck himself. He isn't a father, friend, or anything to me. I wish he didn't exsist, except for the fact that he and my mom are married, and it's the only thing keeping her sober and happy. I can't do anything because it may jeopardize thier relationship. I want to rot and die right now, he has made wounds to last a lifetime. So I am going to ignore him, and go about my buisiness as usual. Hopefully he'll stop stabbing my soul for once, but I doubt it. I will talk to you guys later.

Later

1 Cut| Bleed?

GRRRR.... [02 Dec 2003|08:21pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I can't have what I want. It sux, I care for some one, they don't quite know it, they have more than me attracted to them, and I don't seem to know what to say to them. I don't want to fuck things up, or confuse them further than they already are. So I think I may just let it go for now. Tell next time.

L8t3rz

Bleed?

Love to hate...... [15 Nov 2003|08:13pm]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | Hatebreed-Voice of Contention ]

Things are.....well.....I don't know. Not really paying attention, due to the drugs and music. Going through each day wanting to kill any fuck who stands in my way. I don't have much patience anymore either. Starting to get fed up with who I am, everyday I change a little bit. And I don't know where I am going to end up, in life, or anything else. There aren't many I can trust, I can only trust myself, no not even my family. They all can't keep quite, and even the person I have had provlems with before and gave a second chance, fucks me over again. So I am gonna be a loner for a while. I like it better when it's me and the voices, er, I mean.......yeah.

L8t3rz

2 Cuts| Bleed?

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