Blurty for believe the lie.

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Sunday, October 12th, 2003

Time:7:52 pm.
i see you're losing weight again.
ever wonder who you're losing it for?
i hear you're losing sleep again.
what's the point in trying to dream anymore?

she's a beautiful girl. she spends most of her time alone. she smokes occasionally. she only smokes when she drinks and she only drinks when she's on the verge of walking away from it all. she never has the guts and never walks very far. she doesn't make small talk, she has nothing to say to anybody. she doesn't remember the last time anyone actually approached her. women don't understand her and men are intimidated by her. she rarely smiles, but when she does, she looks about ten years younger. ten years ago, she was a different woman. the last decade has taken its toll on her. she doesn't laugh anymore. what's there to laugh about? nothing about her life is funny. nothing even oddly amusing. it's a sad, lonely life and she tells herself day in and day out that lonliness is a choice. she is not a live in the suburbs and have a handsome husband type of girl. she never was. she is not her mother. she is a strong woman. an understanding woman. a woman with a passion that nobody ever really sees. except him.
all the things she swears she never does, are all the things he lives to see her do.
he's a beautiful, complicated man. he's far too emotional and he's her opposite in almost every way. humor is a defence mechanism. he will laugh and joke his way out of any tense situations. he's spent his entire life alone. partly by choice and partly by necessity. he's never truly loved in a woman in all of his years. except her.
he is dying to know everything about her. her favorite color. the girly movies she'll swear on her life that she never watches, but he knows differently. which ones make her cry? what makes her really laugh? and why doesn't she do it anymore? he's heard her laugh maybe a handful of times. he'll spend the rest of his life trying to hear it again. he is grateful for the times she's allowed him to comfort her. she's sorry for the times she hasn't.
they compliment each other beautifully. balance each other out.
she can never leave him. he's certain of that. just as she's certain that the only way he'll ever leave her if she demands it. and even then, he'll put up one hell of a fight.
there is no separate future for these two. they are forever, always have been.
tragedy, death, bloodshed and tears string them up together in the same beautiful tapestry.
he'll never leave her, and she'll never leave him. for if they did, they'd spend the rest of their life.. living incomplete.

if you can even call that living.
Comments: 2 salvations - the truth will save you.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Time:2:04 pm.
it's okay, because in the end.. you know why you do it. why you listen to her droning rationalizations and why you can't bring yourself to argue. you're afraid.. afraid of the lonliness.. she's where you spend your days and where you spend your nights. she's where you go when it rains and who you go with when it doesn't. if it wasn't for her, chances are you'd have little to no communication with the 'real world'.. she's what keeps you sane and she's what makes you wake up in the morning and not want to stay in bed. she's what gets you to work and she's the clothes that you wear. she's the coffee that keeps you alert and the clock on the wall that tells you when it's time to go back home to her. she's the social life you never had and now she's all you have. she's not bothered that you depend on her, she's rather flattered. she likes that if it wasn't for her, there'd be no you. it makes her feel rather important and meaningful, like her life serves some sort of sick purpose.
what she likes the most is how you always let her have the window seat and how she's always the one holding the remote. she's the one who picks out the movies because you know she's dying for you to see them. she likes that you don't mind that she whispers the lines two seconds before the characters do. you think it's beautiful the way she refuses to say anything else during one of her favorite movies. she enjoys that you know the certain songs that you just don't talk during because if you talk, any words that come out of your mouth would ruin the beauty of the moment. she likes that it doesn't offend you that sometimes, she'd rather not hear your voice. silence is beautiful and she loves that you understand that.
she loves that when she wakes up, there's writing on her arms and legs and hips.. 'this is my favorite spot on your body'.. she loves your writing and she loves how it's always different.. she loves that you never buy her flowers, because she'd never keep them alive anyway.. she loves that you don't buy her cards, you write her notes.. notes on walls and mirrors and kitchen counters. she likes that your old furniture is in her house even though it doesn't match anything. she adores that the only pictures on the wall are pictures that you've taken and she adores the story behind them even more.. if only there was a way to frame those.
she takes comfort in the fact that she believes her children will look like you in almost every way, perhaps getting her hair color, but that's about it.. they will have her sense of humor, but your passion.. they will be dreamers and they will be unrealistic, they will have your imagination and her determination.. her compassion and your honesty.. they won't play games, neither of you were ever good at them.. they will do everything with all their hearts, as that's the only way they will know how.. they will believe in aliens, but doubt the existance of god.. they will be quirky like that. they will travel, you will be sure of that.. but they will call home every sunday.. she will make sure of that. they will be different and they will enjoy it.. they will be precious and they will be everything that you are. they will never 'settle'.. you will be proud of them.
you look forward to growing old because you are certain you will not be alone. you look forward to the aches and the pains and can hardly wait to see what her face looks like at the age of eighty three. she looks forward to the roughness of your hands.. and the tan line under the wedding ring that hasn't been taken off that finger since the day it was placed there. you will enjoy moving to the country where there are no mcdonalds or tim horton's.. you will live in an unamerican city the 'real world' hasn't touched.. the roads won't be paved and most of the grass not entirely taken care of, but you will feel free.. your house will have a porch and the porch will have a swing and that is where you will spend the majority of your last days.. you will recall when you first met, the first date, the first kiss.. every day. you will never stop holding her hand, no matter how cold. you will remember everything, and never let her doubt that you made the right decision in spending your life with her. until the last day, she will be where you spend your nights and where you spend your days. she will be where you go when it rains and who you go with when it doesn't..

this is the only kind of love, as you understand it, that there really is.
Comments: the truth will save you.

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

Time:2:34 pm.
there are things about this world that you must know, if the opportunity arises that i am not able to be there to share them with you as you go along. this world can be cruel, sweetheart. it can be cold and it can be uncaring. it can turn its back on you without a second thought. turn you completely upside down and inside out and leave you empty. it has this power, and it'll use it when it wants. there are signs along the way that you should pay attention to. things you need to take the time and look at. as wrong as it may be sometimes, this is a beautiful life. don't take it for granted. be angry at it, hate it at times if you want, but never ever let it slip away. don't ignore it.
visit the ocean atleast once. i guarantee that it will change your perspective.
be a dreamer. i insist that you, my darling, be a dreamer.
never let anyone tell you what to do with your life. if you want to be a famous movie star, pack up and head off to los angeles. if you want to work in a retail store for minimum wage for the rest of your life because you just LOVE people, do it. and do it with pride. do whatever makes you want to get up in the morning. there is no right or wrong here, my child. only happiness.
love. please, love with every ounce of your being. from the tips of your fingers to the ends of your toes, i want you to love. love is what makes this whole damn thing worth it. i assure you. there will be falls, and there will be tragedies. heartbreaks and breakdowns. it'll hurt and it will scar. never ever let it shape how you feel about the next person to come along in your life. don't let it leave you jaded. that's how you miss the good stuff. and there IS good stuff.
don't over analyze. i spent far too much of my life thinking. thinking about things that in the end, held no real significance. i urge you to take risks. they won't all be smart choices, but they will be choices, and in this life, that is what you have. the ability to make your own decisions. i trust you will make the right ones, or atleast learn from the wrong ones.
don't put anyone down. don't insult anyone for the choices they make. don't put too much value in the little things. don't judge people on what they look like, what they do, how they live or who they love. we're all people just trying to figure this thing out, we just have different ways of going about it. never be afraid of things that are different.
travel. even if it's not across the oceans, go across the country. i urge you to get in a car alone, or with some of your closest friends and just drive. people out there have amazing stories, sweetheart. and they just won't have an impact on you until you hear it straight from their mouths. men, who will tell you of the 'good old days'.. who will tell you they live a life alone, having their one true love die far before her time. they will tell you heartbreaking stories that will restore your faith in the human race. true love exists, and there are people out there living it.

be kind. be a generally decent person. there are people out there who are dying to meet someone like you. there aren't many of you left. take pride in the fact that you know who you are and aren't willing to change your foundation for anyone. be respectable and be patient.

most importantly, my love, laugh. this is a fucked up world with fucked up views and fucked up people, and sometimes all you can do at the end of the day is laugh. just laugh. take it all in stride and never stop seeing the humor in things. have fun. live a fun life. don't take anything, even yourself, too seriously.

find love, laughter and everything lovely in all things.
Comments: the truth will save you.

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Subject:take my hand, 'cause we're walking out of here..
Time:2:13 pm.
Mood:coughing up vital organs.
Music:the space between | dave matthews band.
i just woke up.
i had class at 8:30am, but i e-mailed my prof last night saying i wouldn't be there. it's a real kick in the ass, considering i had a major oral presentation to do this morning. but i can barely string a sentence together without coughing and coming horribly close to dying.
my body's completely giving up on me. my vital organs have all grouped together and are planning a massive takeover. my brain was the last to know.
i'm delerious when i'm sick, obviously.
so i'm going to sit around on my ass all day. trying to breathe.
breathing shouldn't really be an effort. nor should it hurt. but it does.

i have no friends on here. random people, add me. you know you want to. i'm fun!

'narcissistic, overzealous, self-righteous ego maniac.'
Comments: the truth will save you.

Sunday, October 5th, 2003

Subject:first entry.. yeehaw.
Time:6:38 pm.
Mood:horribly sick.
Music:trading spaces.
first entry.
livejournal was being a bitch so i decided to get a journal thingy over here that nobody knows about. i'm such an enigma.

i hate the word 'blury' though. so that's bothering me.
i'll have to live with that.

i must mess with the look of this thing. it's horrid right now.

'i know what you're afraid of.. i'm afraid of the same thing.'
Comments: the truth will save you.

Blurty for believe the lie.

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