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Sunday, October 5th, 2003
2:50 pm
i confess that i like the confession thread. it makes me realize that a lot of people have the same problems i do. sometimes i think i'm the only one that's hurting. when you're really down you feel like you're all alone. no one understands you. no one can help you. what's the point of living? depression gives such tunnel vision. in reality, things actually aren't that bad.

thinking about all this has made me feel kinda foolish. like i've wasted 7 years of my life being depressed without warrant. i still have my whole life to turn things around. i need to start living. in the past i've just gone along with the flow. but i know that i have control of my life. i can change things. it's just so fucking scary. to take control of yourself. i'm so rambly. sometimes it's easier to sit back and let life pass you by. when things go wrong, you blame it on depression. i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm hungry.

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
12:03 pm
I want to say:
I hate my life
I?m useless
There?s no purpose

But in doing so I would only create negative feelings

Instead I say:
I missed the bus
Twice
Seems like I have a problem with being late
What can I do to change that?

it's so hard to reverse negative thoughts. it becomes a habit, an addicting habit. i'm just now starting to identify those times when my thinking turns sour. when something goes wrong it's easier to just give up on everything. i missed one class, i'm a loser, i might as well skip all classes. temporarily, it works. you can quit everything, shirk all responsibilities, escape reality. but these "perks" don't last for long and, in the end, are extremely damaging. i've been depressed for so long that in some weird way it almost feels good to revert back to this state. i may be making progress and one little thing goes wrong. feeling sorry for myself and thinking negatively allows me back into my "comfort zone".

current mood: pensive
current music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libra's

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Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
9:07 pm - GAH
i wish my mom would stop reminding me about how much money she spends on me. everytime a new medical bill comes (which is often) she has to make a big deal about it. "money! every day we get a new bill. i just can't take this stress anymore." well sorrrrrrrrry mother... sorry you have to spend so much money to send me to doctors and buy me pills to keep me from FUCKING KILLING MYSELF. if it causes so much stress, why don't you just stop? why don't you just stop so i WILL kill myself? wouldn't that make everything all better???

current mood: pissed off

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Tuesday, May 27th, 2003
10:36 pm - yawn
i'm freakin tired. i started training at overton's today. i'll be doing it from 9 to 1, monday through friday for 2 weeks. that's a lot of training. i don't think it should take *that* long to become familiar with the catalog and the computer program. oh well. i get paid for it.

hmmmm... david's webcam is cool. and the facial hair is hot. i'm going to see if i can come back to raleigh this weekend. to get my apples and toothbrush back from eli.

i need a new brake for my rollerblades. and a cross-connect cable. and some allergy medicine. ok bye.

current mood: okay
current music: Orange Colored Sky - Natalie Cole

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7:20 pm - what what
i'm really bored. and tired. greenville is so cool.

current mood: bored
current music: none

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