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mood |
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music |
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Lina - "Stranger On Earth" |
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I guess that it’s time to write in here again. I’ve been so consumed in other things, so I preface this entry with what I am currently doing in terms of work. I am finally back. Hooray? I’m in Ojai, CA at The 6th Annual Ojai Playwrights Conference. I’m appearing in a play called “Chinese Friends” which is written by Jon Robin Baitz and, if you wish, you can find out more information here. The actual play itself will be performed on Sunday at 4pm. I’m also told that “Casa De Los Babys” opens on limited release on the same day. I’m actually nervous for both, particularly the play. And it would be nice if some of you would come and see me perform, or go and see the film. I need the money to pay my bills. That said, I think it’s time to get onto the true message of this entry. And, oh boy, it’s the longest yet.
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I’ve been trying to clear my head and straighten out everything that has happened in the last couple of days. And I think that it did a lot of good. I needed it. Sometimes being alone is the best place to be. It’s hard to collect your thoughts when you are also having conversations with people who are, unknowingly, changing your opinions. And that’s really why I had to go away. I felt pressure to hate someone and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hate anyone. Sometimes things just happen; things change. Sometimes things change a lot in a very short space of time. One day you think you’re happy and the next you’re not. And we just have to accept the changes and move on. There’s nothing else we can do; there’s nothing else to do.
I built you up in my head to be perfect, like some kind of superhero. And you’re far from it. That completely changed my perceptions and expectations of you. I know that there’s no such thing as perfect, but I still thought it. I tried to see you as something that you weren’t because then you wouldn’t be able to hurt me because you wouldn’t be real; you’d be an exaggeration of the truth. Like if I saw you as flawless, and a flawless person wouldn’t hurt anyone. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone, but it made sense to me. I guess that it didn’t work anyway. I began to see you as some sort of escape, as a neutralizer for when I go crazy. Whether you knew it or not, I began to rely on you as some sort of sign that everything was okay. I don’t know why. I just did. I rely on people too much. It scares me and pressures them into being something that they’re not and doing things that they otherwise wouldn’t do.
It needs to stop.
I guess I need to say that I’m sorry. I’m especially sorry for calling your feelings a lie and telling you that you didn’t care. I know that when I said that it hurt you so much. At the time, that’s what I wanted; to hurt you. I know that you cared. I know that you still do, just in a different way. And I know that we weren’t a lie. We were just a thing that happened that wasn’t meant to be. I thought about your reasons for doing this and now I see that it was right. I couldn’t see it then, but I see it now. You were right. It’s better this way. I’m sorry I was so stubborn about it. I’m sorry that I chose that moment to tell you that I loved you. I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t say it. It’s true, but I didn’t mean to say it; it just sort of… escaped. It was stupid and wrong of me. I’m just sorry.
"The heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man"
~ Vanessa Carlton – “Rinse”.
I’ve been talking to my therapist a lot these past few days. I don’t really know where it’s going. We’re “talking through my self-esteem issues”. In lay, I tell him about the fact that sometimes I hate myself and he tries to suggest reasons. I keep telling him that it’s no-one else’s fault. I’m the one in therapy; it’s my problem. He won’t accept that. He thinks that, when we were little, Jake insulted me and I’ve always resented it. –rolls her eyes-. That’s ridiculous. I hate myself because my brother, the person I love most in the world, once said something to me that I don’t even remember? Wow. Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to go to therapy any more. Things are awkward, but I really do appreciate your offer. And maybe I’ll take you up on it some time. I know that I’ve said some pretty messed up things, and if we can still be friends despite all of this, that would make me really happy. Just not right now. It’s difficult to be around you, and yesterday was an all-too-painful reminder. I can’t change it that you like someone else. Just don’t parade it underneath my nose when you know how I feel.
"You’ll never gonna be a nothing to me. You’re always gonna be Matt to me. My friend… my mud-pit buddy…"
"You can't get rid of me that easily."
I’ve learnt that I can’t come to expect certain things out of love. Love just is. I should stop analyzing it and questioning it. It’s going to work in ways that I could never possibly dream of understanding.
I was given some advice before we even met and that was:
"Well you shouldn't be thinking about being in love and having that someone... Always expect the unexpected you know...don't expect who you want to be your boyfriend."
…and I guess that’s some advice that I have to learn to take.
Life isn’t a book, or a film, or a song, or a fairytale. There’s no knowing what the happy ending will be, if it exists. I found something that touched me and shows how I feel. It’s not exactly a story, or a poem. It’s… a writing, I guess.
"Once upon a time there was this beautiful girl who lived in a beautiful house on a beautiful hill overlooking a beautiful church near a beautiful town in a beautiful state but she was too busy watching television to see all the beautiful things all around. And she didn’t realise that what she saw on her television was designed to make her unhappy and depressed. Then one day a man walks in the room picks up the television and throws it out the window. Then, slowly turning, he smiles and gently leans down, picks her off the sofa and says ‘Now then, you and I have work to do. We are going to change the way the world spins round.’"
I overreacted. I just think this time it’s going to take a little longer for my wounds to heal. I haven’t lost my faith in love. I don’t think I ever could. I’ve just lost my faith in you. All love has ever caused me is pain, darkness, hurt and sadness. I know why that is now; because it’s never been right. And when it’s right, it will give me happiness, awe, joy, and amazement in how wonderful it can be. Until then, I’m just going to live my life as it is. I’m going to not manipulate the things I have. I’m going to embrace all the love I already have around me. I’m going to see all of the beauty in the world. I’m going to try and be truly happy.
"Resolve to be thyself; and know that he
Who finds himself, loses his misery"
~ Matthew Arnold.
--Maggie--
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