||the ataris - your boyfriend sucks
...and lived to tell the tale.
yup, it's me. janelle. actually posting.
i took down all my little certificates off the wall in here. for years, it has been a shrine to my goodfullness (to steal a Ingsoc goodspeak word). honor rolls, et c. i took down everything except for 2 picutres i painted in 6th grade, and an award i won for poetry. the tape had been on everything else so long there's gooeyness where the tape used to be.
kind of a metaphor, almost.
i did it. i took the big active step i needed to take in the getting over of teo.
i called him. i told him i liked him. and it was closure. and i'm renewed. i'm not behaving all juvenile and unhealthy. i confronted my feelings, and took the big girl route.
it was what i needed to do all along. i relaized that when i'm not upfront with my feelings, they tear down the insides until it's just raw feeling and i'm no good to work with. well enough of that. free at last! free at last! thank god almighty, i'm free at last.
course i can't be entirely sure i'm over him. i have said that i was in the past, and i relapsed. but this time i made an active decision. i acted! it's going to be a gradual process, getting over teo, but he won't affect me like he used to. that's really what it is -- i having told him doesn't make me like him any less, but it just leaves me free to direct those feelings where they belong. that's how it had to be with dan, i think, and in some way, other crushes too.
so i'm done being stupid over him. want proof?
paula and i watched sex and city last night. sat through a 30-second making out scene. 30 seconds may not sound like a long time, but to be watching other people kiss, it is. the first thought i always have when viewing these kinds of scenes: i hate watching other people kiss. it's never me.
and normally, i then imagine myself in the place of carrie (or whomever) making out with guy of my choice. and i tried that, but there was no one on the other end. no teo. nobody. not even paul[tilts head], or kyle. no body worked. there was just a blank. ended up with michail barishnikov, because that was who was on screen. "and he tasted like black cherries."
but who is he? no one. not longterm unrequited (and finally ended) crush teo. not noveltyhair pretty boy paul. not convient and endearing sweet ol' kyle.
and while i'm prone to lusting after someone for the sake of it, for the sake of loneliness, no one fit.
i don't know if that fact makes me feel terribly full, or horribly empty.