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the map of my head

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[ the labels | el informaciĆ³n ]
[ the arrows | el calendario ]

vintage cisneros [27 Mar 2005|05:16pm]
so useful for storage this is )
eat me

yeah yeah whatever. [28 Nov 2004|01:31am]
i have nothing to hide.

except that:

  • i dabble in substance use (not to overindulgence. just to pass the time from time to time. null the boredom, grase along the night.)

  • i'm sexually open (as in, i'm theoretically bi (but straight in practice, just not narrow) (also as in, i don't have qualms with pre-martial sex or whatever. which is not to say i'm easy either. still a virgin, don't worry. sex is what it is, procreational or recreational and each person needs to define what they want in regards to it for her or his own self. whatev)

  • i hang out with boys a lot (which my mother has always been wary of)

  • i shoot my mouth out all vulgarly when adults are not present. novelty is key. there are no bad words, only negative contexts

  • i'm not religiously affiliated and don't plan to be. i'm spiritual, mmk? religion and spirituality have to be considered in the same vein as sex. to each his own.

  • i don't try as hard at stuff they expect me to as i should. i am a lazy ass, but i think they know. they nourished it a little.

  • whatever questionable exploits my friends might have. well whatever, that's them. i wouldn't be around them if they didn't have reedeeming qualities. they can handle their shit.

whatever. they(the adults in my life, my parents, my family) should know that i'm a good kid. i retain the christian values i was raised in, even if i don't believe in them for the same reasons. i can judge for myself. i'm responsible for myself. i'm cool. i know my limits. i know what's safe for me. i have my own values and i'm good, okay ma? i'm good. i keep it in check, maybe even more so than the average person my age.
eat me

weezer = me [18 Aug 2004|09:35pm]
I'm tired, so tired
I'm tired of having sex
I'm spread so thin
I don't know who I am

Monday night I'm makin'
Jen Tuesday night I'm makin' Lyn
Wednesday night I'm makin' Catherine
Oh, why can't I be makin' Love come true?

I'm beat, beet red
ashamed of what I said
I'm sorry, here I go
I know I'm a sinner
But I can't say no

Thursday night I'm makin' Denise
Friday night I'm makin' Sharise
Saturday night I'm makin' Louise
Oh, why can't I be makin' Love come true

tonite, I'm down on my knees
tonite I'm beggin' you please
tonite, tonite, please
Why, can't I be makin' love come true

eat me

this is so empty and wanting. [01 Aug 2004|11:48am]
[ hearing feeling | full ]

despite everything i always think about, and all the dorkiness of the recently re-read past entries,

i am good. i am.

love is spilling and spreading. i hope some splashes onto your socks.

happy birthday kylem.

eat me

doot doot [29 Jun 2004|10:55am]
[ hearing feeling | dawson's creek oddly ]

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Flirting Skill Level - 65%
Kissing Skill Level - 34%
Cudding Skill Level - 67%
Sex Skill Level - 83%
Why They Love You You are too good to be true.
Why They Hate You You're too good to be true.
This Quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 93633 Times.
Get Free Daily Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

i am, aren't i?
eat me

not just for the sake of it [24 Jun 2004|11:02am]
[ hearing feeling | cold ]

i hate what sex is become. it's no longer... i don't know. it's become something we do (we being society). and hence, there is no safety. we're quick to run out of people we can trust. i feel like i have to have premptive sex now so i won't get hurt later, but i know it won't save me from getting hurt. i feel like there's so much pressure on my virginity.

i'm not conflicted between hormone and saving myself until marriage and whatnot. i'm conflicted bewteen settling for my last chance to lose it safely, if not passionately and all movie-style, and between waiting for something better, with no guarantee that it'll really be better. what's the difference bewteen now and later? i really don't know.

i just wish it wasn't an issue.
and i wish that i hadn't programmed myself into thinking that no one will ever consider me seriously, romantically, because i've spent too much time comparing myself to every other girl i know, every movie i've seen, every book i read. it's like because it hasn't yet i'm doomed. which is shitty to think, but i hate how little i measure up. or i feel like i measure up.

either way, my virginity is this huge burden that i can't easily unload.

2 got bigger|eat me

you won't pull out on me yet. [17 Mar 2004|04:04pm]
[ hearing feeling | crampy. yuck ]

i would like:

a lacoste polo
new yorker anthologies
a laugh a minute
fuckity goodness


and then some.

eat me

how resilient the human being. [13 Feb 2004|05:38pm]
[ hearing feeling | lonely ]
[ hearing feeling | someguy on television. ]

you know what i really hate? unrequited love for people who really deserve to be loved. not those wimpy juvenile curshes, or those asine obsessions over assholes, but honest and geunine unrequited love when one truly awesome soul wantsneedsLOVES someone else who is just as, if not equally, great and s/he does not love him/her back. it's the saddeest thing i witness everyday. i lived it for a while, but it depresses me not just for my sake, but for some of my closest and most deserving friends. how can you yearn so earnestly, and deserve so frickin' much, only to be left with your own yearning, and little else?
in the end, i'm sure you get something great and it evens out and it's all about being a little really patient, but just think about how much energy and efforts could be expended elsewhere. how much love could light the world if we could all just be loved back.

i always seem to end up loving people who can withstand unrequited love even harder. this has everything and nothing to do with valentine's day. nothing, because it's a coincidence i was thinking this on v day's eve, and everything, because it's the one of truest things i know.

2 got bigger|eat me

i'll grow up one day. [01 Feb 2004|09:28pm]
[ hearing feeling | melancholy ]
[ hearing feeling | el super bowl ]

i'm tired of finding these really great people and then settling for them to be happy on their own, without me. like just being able to witness their happiness is good enough for me. and i'm so happy for whatever happy they get, or want to get. i'm so happy just to know them, and i make myself believe that that is enough for me, all i really want. and it is. because i am also convinced that i am not enough for anybody who is really important to me, that they need so much that i could never provide. not that i'm not good enough, just not enough for them.
and i hate feeling inadequate all of the time. but i am.

have decided to sit back a bit and try harder at being quiet. listen. not make so much needless noise.
expect less.

let's hear it for poorly constructed, choppy sentences

eat me

5 months, 1 week. [22 Jan 2004|11:22am]
[ hearing feeling | aggravated ]
[ hearing feeling | bzzzz ]

man, oh, man: i love tacos.

everything else is exhaustingly less than peachy.

butbutbut (!) 4 day weekend coming up soon (but not soon enough).

eat me

live, from kyle's room, it's friday night! [16 Jan 2004|07:28pm]
[ hearing feeling | deflated ]
[ hearing feeling | comedy central. laff a minute ]

new year, same old me.

everything feels so temporary, except my ever-evident insecurities. meh.

it's good, isn't it? grand, isn't it? but nothing stays...

i'll end up alright. i just wish i knew how.

1 got bigger|eat me

glee! [04 Dec 2003|01:52pm]
[ hearing feeling | energetic ]
[ hearing feeling | wpfw 89.3 ]

the first tiny pitiful flakes! could it be?

yes! snow! the first sniveling steps to cancellation!

as much as i adore Bdays, i'd much be glad to be rid of this horrid quiz on the book-that-must-not-be-named.

eat me

i just thought you should know. [30 Nov 2003|03:36pm]
[ hearing feeling | un-accomlished. ]
[ hearing feeling | aerosmith - crazy ]

i'm really tired of waiting to grow up, as if it's going to be one moment when i realize i am suddenly all these things i wasn't before, all these things i've set out to be (maybe), and more, or les, but at the very least, i'm tired of waiting for the feeling that i am a different person than you knew yesterday.

i feel like i miss something, a particular time or something, but there's nothing i can really grasp and hold on to and say "that was it -- frame this era in my life." moments, sure, but a whole period of time? -- it never works out that way.

i really want to give each of you a hug for being the individual you are. i'm sappy and sick (somehow) but love is real and spreading, even when we're sad, even when we're unfufilled, disapointed, anxious, and all those other adjectives.

eat me

we're gonna die from our slow dreams [23 Nov 2003|04:57am]
[ hearing feeling | anxious ]
[ hearing feeling | donny hathaway - a song for you ]

3 unrelated topics:

i can't write this review.

i love that it's almost the hols and that t j maxx plays christmas songs now and that we stayed up to see all of being john malkovich and waking life and i can't express all the things i feel. i'm molding language to fit my needs of . i am fillling with joy and hope and am afraid of being popped.

i need the stars. and consistancy.
i believe in him so much, so that must be why this hurts.

eat me

with hearts floating in their eyes [21 Nov 2003|06:58pm]
[ hearing feeling | lonely ]
[ hearing feeling | john mayer - your body is a wonderland ]

for once, i don't think frosted yellow cupcakes would cheer me up right now.

maybe a little, but not enough. unless, a certain someone was to be bringing it to me. with one little lit birthday candle in it! and the frosting gets on someone's nose (mine, his, whoever's). and we giggle and lick it off. and it's cute. and there's kissing.

but i guess that wouldn't be the cupcake cheering me up, now would it?

gee, i thought you were bigger than this, janal.
so much for being a cynic.

eat me

always either coming or going [11 Nov 2003|06:25pm]
i have the coolest friends ever. i mean it. they rock. they're smart and funny and talented and creative and thoughtful and fun and easy-going and full of things. all of them. it's so happy, even when we're not.

recently coined phrases:
mack-attack: a barrage of flirting. mackong. best used in the cough form.
distance flirting: chatting up someone that is impossible beyond belief to get with, but talking with them anyway, because you enjoy their attention so.

recently discarded phrase:
boning her ovaries. 'nuff said.
eat me

damn that jason mraz. [04 Nov 2003|10:35pm]
You Are O-Renshi the Yakuza Queen
You are O-renshi, the Yakuza Crime lord who works
for Bill and helped destroy "The
Brides" wedding and almost kill her.

Which Kill Bill Character are you: Volume 1
brought to you by Quizilla
eat me

who knows how long she can go before she burns away? [27 Oct 2003|10:33pm]
[ hearing feeling | erghk. ]
[ hearing feeling | track 12 ]

the last cd i made, entitled: "with the birds i share this lonely view" (aka almost shmoopy mix)
1. OK Go - it's tough to havea crush
2. stevie wonder - do i do
3. shanice - love your smile
4. rufus ft. chaka khan - hollywood
5. al jerreau - mornin'
6. ryan adams - when the stars go blue
7. coldplay - yellow
8. tommy james & the shondells - sugar on sunday
9. rufus wainwright - a bit of you
10. stevie wonder - my sherie amour
11. fiona apple - slow like honey
12. john mayer - neon
13. stevie wonder - golden lady
14. hil st soul - until you come back to me
15. tracy chapman - fast car
16. alanis morrisette - you oughta know/ your house.

1 got bigger|eat me

[26 Oct 2003|02:36pm]
i love you.

i'm hungry for the moments when time stops and you were there and we laughed.

and when i say you, i really mean it. any of you, all of you.

'cause this is almost all we have left. so i'm just letting you know.
2 got bigger|eat me

nothing sexier than an intellectual nebbish jew [21 Oct 2003|07:57pm]
[ hearing feeling | embarrassed ]

argh. i was fucking around with my buddy list, and i notice abrainoverload is on from my frost group. like always. sam. my 8th grade megacrush.
he was cute and smart and funny and i think by 9th grade he hated my guts.
i was such a total stalker, and stupid.
anyway, i acted mindless around him and now fear to meet him or his twin sister in the street because i don't think i could look them in the eye. not that i did anything so horrible expect for a couple of tactless phone calls and ims, but stil. embarrassment city.
so no contact with this guy since late 2001. and i'm checkin out his buddy info, out of boredom, and there's this link.
i know i shouldn't.
but i must.
no antonio. too sexy!
but i must.
and i can't tell if he's totally gorgeous.
or totally goofy.
and i think that is he appeal. i am msot attracted to gorgeously goofy or goofily gorgeous guys.
and sam was that.
but cafauck. ancient history.
yet i keep thinking "i met him too soon. maybe when we're older..."
maybe not.

2 got bigger|eat me

while the cat's away, the mouse will play ... [11 Oct 2003|12:10pm]
[ hearing feeling | good ]
[ hearing feeling | french kicks - right in time ]

...her hot hot heat cd really loud and go online.

another fantabulous concert! this has been a good year for those.
went with gabbi-pants, uncle ted, and tabitha last night to el 930 club for the first time.
all the bands experienced were great.
ima robot, in my opinion, =(strokes + eurythymics)(somethign else), but don't quote me on that.
french kicks = strokes infused with coldplay and something else.
hot hot heat = something else.

i met the guitarist from french kicks! he signed my cd case! i am so into their sound, although the rule stands (better live than on disc. but this time, not as much)

i revel in long weekend gloriousness.

3 got bigger|eat me

ay caramba. i'ma creature of habit. [04 Oct 2003|03:35pm]
*slaps forhead with butt of palm.*

i did it again. shied away from oppurtunity. oh well, at least something could happen. to the movies!

with who is the (in)significant part.
eat me

i fell off the edge of the world... [21 Sep 2003|08:12pm]
[ hearing feeling | the ataris - your boyfriend sucks ]

...and lived to tell the tale.

yup, it's me. janelle. actually posting.

i took down all my little certificates off the wall in here. for years, it has been a shrine to my goodfullness (to steal a Ingsoc goodspeak word). honor rolls, et c. i took down everything except for 2 picutres i painted in 6th grade, and an award i won for poetry. the tape had been on everything else so long there's gooeyness where the tape used to be.
kind of a metaphor, almost.

i did it. i took the big active step i needed to take in the getting over of teo.
i called him. i told him i liked him. and it was closure. and i'm renewed. i'm not behaving all juvenile and unhealthy. i confronted my feelings, and took the big girl route.
it was what i needed to do all along. i relaized that when i'm not upfront with my feelings, they tear down the insides until it's just raw feeling and i'm no good to work with. well enough of that. free at last! free at last! thank god almighty, i'm free at last.
course i can't be entirely sure i'm over him. i have said that i was in the past, and i relapsed. but this time i made an active decision. i acted! it's going to be a gradual process, getting over teo, but he won't affect me like he used to. that's really what it is -- i having told him doesn't make me like him any less, but it just leaves me free to direct those feelings where they belong. that's how it had to be with dan, i think, and in some way, other crushes too.
so i'm done being stupid over him. want proof?
paula and i watched sex and city last night. sat through a 30-second making out scene. 30 seconds may not sound like a long time, but to be watching other people kiss, it is. the first thought i always have when viewing these kinds of scenes: i hate watching other people kiss. it's never me.
and normally, i then imagine myself in the place of carrie (or whomever) making out with guy of my choice. and i tried that, but there was no one on the other end. no teo. nobody. not even paul[tilts head], or kyle. no body worked. there was just a blank. ended up with michail barishnikov, because that was who was on screen. "and he tasted like black cherries."
but who is he? no one. not longterm unrequited (and finally ended) crush teo. not noveltyhair pretty boy paul. not convient and endearing sweet ol' kyle.
and while i'm prone to lusting after someone for the sake of it, for the sake of loneliness, no one fit.
i don't know if that fact makes me feel terribly full, or horribly empty.

1 got bigger|eat me

me and my woody allen-esp antics... [09 Sep 2003|08:33pm]
[ hearing feeling | okgo - crimson & clover ]

the concert rocked the casbah, duh. (!)
no making of out, but is there ever in my case? *sigh* i should just push [insert name here] against a wall and snog his brains out. yesh. except i won't ever.
how do you tell somebody you wanna be their phuoc buddy? there's no way i can be sauve about these kinds of things. such is my life.

i fall in love with everyone much too easily. which isn't as bad as the results ususally imply.

i hate email. the internet has lost its glamour.

1 got bigger|eat me

[06 Sep 2003|05:09pm]
paul is so annoying. (not new guy paul; he's hip)

but he's nice anyway. but so annoying.

i want my mtv chili peppers! meh!
eat me

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